anagram 052600

6:41p i got my hooded kitty cat sweatshirt from yumpop.com and emilystrange.com :) oh LOVE it SO much!

6:41p need the kitty hat now so i can wear the hat with anything gotta gotta get it! but it's giving me an error msg when i try 2 order it :/

6:42p hmm, the sentence below got sent in two pices and backwards!

10:49p silly thing of the day that someone put into a search engine and found anacam " make out cams "

11:50p i'm taking out my extensions so i can have new ones put it :) the top of my head is all squiggly dreadlocks now! cool looking, but i feel weird and not myself with short hair. then i gotta comb the dreadlocks out, and that part really hurts. i thought i'd try it myself this time since last time, when they did it, i had the two of them ripping out my dreads with metal combs and it hurt SO much i thought i would start 2 cry! so...i will try it my way..a little but at a time. then i'll rebleach it and go in to get new extensions :)

-----------

Tuesday, May 23rd, 2000

Time Event
2:15a i just added most of my cd "spool forka dish" to the anamusiq section of my site :) it's in mp3 format, go listen :)

5:40a sun's coming up. another all nighter. i just put up another album of mine into the "ana musiq" section called "cake and eat it" i wish i could do everything at once. i want 2 scan in all the covers and type out all the lyrics and tell u the story behind each song! aaa! so much to do! it's so cool i can put these recors up on the web! it makes me very happy :) i hope you will find some songs u like. each song and each record is SO very different from each other. the only thing i can't get right is the anavooog.com cd. that one wants to distort when i put it through audio catylyst. i am wondering if there is just too much low end for it or something. i dunno! i might just put it up "as is" for now and fix the problem laterm 'acuse i am too impatient :) jaosn will be getting up for work soon. all the photos of me on my cam tonight have looked like a was depressed or pissed off. but i'm not. i'm just tired/hyper and concentrating :)

6:39a yep. i'm still up. i added anavoog.com to "ana musiq" now. so now there are 4 albums of mine in there. *whew* i would kill for a beer right now. yes, i am as tired as i look. yet..so tired that i'm not tired. and i hate that feeling.

11:19a it's 11am and i still haven't gone 2 bed yet. maybe i better just stay up now until bedtime. i dunno. i'm still trying 2 figure out how to get webcam32 to cycle through this big folder of jjpegs i have...it keeps coming up with this weird error thing. i cannot understand it. so i've tried many many different things. but gave up on that again. but now i do have it cycling through around 1,000 anapix, so i changed cam 3 to be the anapix rotator cam. and cam 4 is now what WAS big cam 5. LOL :) so now i still have the OLD cams 3 and 4 to turn on which will most likelt turn into cam 5 and 6. and there might not be a big cam5. at least for today. i'm trying 2 come up with the best configuration..not only for ease of viewing and interesting ways of looking at things..but also because...well, i can't explain it. so i've got webcam 32s sending off thumbnails all over the place and it's too bad chillcam can't send a thumbnail :( i think what i might try a server push thing with either what WAS cam3 ( the black and white connectix) or was cam4 ( the crappy version 4.0 logitech "pro" . i think i really miniature black and white connectix streaming would be very pretty and old moviesh looking. and then the crummy logitech pro thing can be a cam just for captions and words..'cause the picture on that is basically worthless , it looks so yucky...sooooo...this and trying 2 figure out how to do a local save with the webcam32 where the newest image will always overwrite the last one, so i can grab that image and use it as transparent logo or for server it up to a different place lie it SAYS u can do on the webcam32 page, but haven't figured it out yet. spent quite a few hours there going , "huh?".it say so RIGHt here: http://surveyorcorp.com/webcam32help/localsave.htm

and if u can figure that out how i can have the webcam32 send to two places at once using local save, let me know! 'cause i sure don't get it! and i really made myself depressed by taking out my extensions, but i knew i would be, but i just had to experiment with the little dreads. now i need some sort of "clarifying" shampoo. and i might not get to have my new extensions put in for a few weeks! and i was thinkng i could get some this weekend :( so now i gotta have ugly dum hair for awhile. i gotta find more hats. i feel really yucky having stayed up until now and my brainn is just spinning with too many ideas that i tried to do all at once tonight and never really got too far, but DID come up with new ideas again, that haven't been set into practice yet. but there are a lot of features that the new webcam32 has that i find pretty cool! like an ability to switch between different cams on a timer :) so...i have a lot of tricks up my sleeve that i'm gonna try. juggle juggle juggle , i'm the juggler of cams! i don' even wanna kNOW how many typos are in this thing i'm writing right now! aaa :) now what should i do? i feel lost and bizarre. i guess i could fry some eggs. i really am at a loss. brain meltdown

2:16p ok, i've decided 2 stay up until bedtime. rah rah rah! hallucinatory...i will clean up the bare essentilas of the house then park myself in front of the.....(u complete the sentence )

5:41p took a big long bath. i don't know how to get the gunk out of my hair that solidified right at the point where they tied in the hair extension. now i see why they had metal combs with them last time! i tried my hello kitty plastic one but i could tell i would've broken if i'd used it full force. so now i have these little tiny gobs of grey gunk in the midgst of my hair that needs to get combed out or chopped off. i wish there was some magically thing that would wash it away! but...i'll think about that tomorrow....my hair...the ever (thankfully) growing experiment! by the time i'm 80 i'll have this down to a science :) i've been up for 30 hours now. jason isn't home yet. i think i will now park myself on the couch for the rest of theevening 'cause i am TIRED. and i'm so weirdly bloated out like a big balloon is inside of me, and it's not pms. dunno. i ate too many salty things perhaps? yes, i think that is the culprit.

---------

Wednesday, May 24th, 2000

2:52p ok, i'm up. very groggy. tonight i "play" at first avenue in minneapolis ( www.first-avenue.com ) they are going to project my cam onto a wall then i will chat with people via speech synth. and i'm hyper because the guy in charge of figuring this out called me finally last night when i was asleep. so i know nothing about what is happening. so...i wrote the guy a big email explaining to him many things. now i must go get a pop. and for some reason my streaming with the windows media player has decioded not to work today. dunno why. argh. so i might switch back to emulive streaming in a few minutes.

3:01p i dunno why cam 3 is stuck on the same pic, it SAYS it's sending it fine! nor will the streaming, i'm switching over to realplayer streaming 2 see if that will work. about my hair..thanks for all the tip. i will try to get that aveda stuff, just don't know how as i dont have a car and jason is pretty dang busy to pick me up summa that. but i'll see if nother solution arises. i know i'm making a ton of typos. i have a lot to get done in a short period of time and am between hyperness and grogginess

3:10p hmmm, it's the dsl on computer 2. it can get stuff IN on it, but can't send anything out. even tho i click on the picture to ftp, and it said it ftped successfully, it's not getting out. and the streaming is not even connecting. why now? the internet is such a humungous fickle dinosaur

4:10p sorry 2 reiterate:

so much to do today!
from 8pm CST to 1am CST ( or until i get tired of chatting )
i will be at first avenue ( www.first-avenue.com )
via the internet, not in the flesh

they will be projecting cam1 from ana2 onto the wall there and i'll be chatting with people in the VIP room via speech synthesizer

also...i am sorry i cannot get the streaming 2 work today. i don't know what is the deal with it. it's something with the dsl.
i have streaming and cam 3 and 4 of ana2 on that computer ( i call it computer 2 )
and when i ftp cam 3 and 4 with the chillcam it saus it ftped sucessfully, however, it is not making it over to ana2

and then the streaming cannot get connected at all.

blarg.

so...i have rebooted the computer twice and that didn't work and i don't knwo when i'll have time 2 call a tech person to help me with it since i already have so much to do today with this 1st ave. thing. like i have 2 get ready and actually dressed ( gasp! i have to take off my pajamas? )
nah..i'll be wearing my kitty cay sweat shirt, i LOVE that thing. it's my new fave! if u wanna where i got it : www.emilystrange.com
or u can get it at www.cosmic girls.com

which i found the link to at www.yumpop.com

all three sites are a girly dream! if u order anything tell them i sent ya :)
( in the comments box )

too bad they are out of the devil hat,i really need that :)

ok....must....eat and get washed and things.
and wait for this guy to call me about testing out all the speech synth stuff and what not 2 make sure it will all work

4:21p ok, now as soon as i posted all of that everywhere, the streaming turned ON. LOL ;) and cam 3 is working now but not cam4. go figure. as soon as i post this i'm sure it will all change! LOL :)

4:31p ok, i switched it all around and now cam 4 is on. lol :) whateverrrrrrrrr :) maybe now i can go brush my teeth? and then THAT'LL be when my phone rings and i'll miss two calls i need 2 get!

5:15p ok, i called the guy who is in charge. at least i thought he was. i have emailed him and told him everything. not reponse back. i thought we were going to sart testing this thing NOW. so..he says to me, " so is this going to be an audio thing or a visual thing? " hello SPEECH synthesizer! aaaa!!!! he didn't knwo? this is so typical. anyway. now i am trying 2 find the # of who 2 call about this. so...there might be almost no interactive elememt tp this thing. it'll be just my pictuire on a wall and a dj? i dunno. rrrr. i'm pissed.

--------

Thursday, May 25th, 2000

1:33p i have a swollen gland on the left side of my neck :(
i remember dreams about following the missippi river down 2 the gulf of mexico , just 2 see what was there. and at the mouth, the current was so intense, i couldn't understand it. and it was so polluted. then i tried 2 think of another famous river and i remembered the nile. i saw the entire continent from an arial view. then i fell very fast as i saw the nile branching out like the roots of a beautiful tree. very complex. i fell into the ocean many miles from the mouth where the nile meets the ocean and i remembered those who died in the plane crash on the alaskan plane. i ran very fast from the mouth all the way to the top. at first it was lush and i do not know which country i was in. soon i was in a vast desert running as fast as an airplane. i was runing through iran and iraq and i knew there were many bombs planted in the soil, but i knew i would not set them off because i knew , in a way, that this was not "real" and that no one could see me. i ran through the wars and the land mines and a huddle of people starving to death who were in the middle of the desert due 2 the fact they were driven from their home because of war. i could see that the desert was all around them with guerillas at every border. there was no way they would survive. no way out. as i reached the top of the continent i saw ten people loading 2 kinds of food onto an old truck. it was mostly women and they were chubby, so i knew they were not in the war. but knew of it. 2 kinds of food, one was a bitter thing, maybe cocoa, and the other was tea. a woman was taking gobs of it and rolling it into balls then throwing it into the truck. it was wet like seaweed and looked like seaweed. i saw a woman eating it. she was extremley hungry and then i could taste the tea she was eating. it was salty and really gross. i didn't want 2 eat it because i thought the caffeine in it would make me too hyper. i didn't want 2 be that awake in the middle of a war. these people thought this food tasted great. but i think they had aquired a taste for it since it was the only food they had. i wondered if i became that hungry if i would think it tasted good too.

1:58p weird things people put in a search engine and found anacam: 24 health work out clubs , when i'm with you , golf+welcome mat, what is com , what do "quotes" do when i'm using this search engine , in my house . i think i will make myself some scrambled eggs now.

3:03p i'm going 2 sit on the couch today and chat in my chatroom. last night was such a bummer. i had no speech synth, so the interactive element of my "show" was destroyed. they had one imac that one person could chat on at once. that was it. i ended up chatiing with all my friends in "real life", LOL, no offense to them, i love 2 talk 2 them a lot, and really they made my whole night much better. but the point of what i wanted 2 do ...which was to talk 2 a group of people via speech synth was totally obliterated. :( plus, the way they promoted the show, they were not clear that i wouldn't be there "in the flesh" , so a bunch of people showed up expecting 2 see me sing or something and were bummed to find out this was not the case. none of this is my fault, but in the end, it's only me who looks like the culprit. i am so depressed about this. the whole thing was just totally fuct. i am just really pissed off. i could go on and on about how awful it was and how angry i am. but i won't. too much energy. i'm sick to death of people dissapointing me. but then again, so many people make me so happy each and every day. once again, i am focusing on the negative nad not the positive. i have 2 break free of this negative spiralling thought pattern. it does no one any good, most especially me. and i am feeling awkward about this whole "friends" linking section of this livejournal because so many people link to me and i do not link to them. it's a very poltical and personal thing. i mean no one any disrespect. i am constantly adding and deleting people. then readdding thenm then redeleting them, etc. ha;f the people who link to me, i have not had the time 2 read their journals to see if i would like to link back. i mean no disrespect. i just really don't have the time in the day to read my two forums, my email, my newsgroup, other bbs i read ( moes, camgirls, livecams, jenniforum, sometimes spread at imusic). i feel lie i should either link back to every person who links to me, or just not link to anyone at all. i don't know. if i have hurt anyoen's feelings by not linking 2 u, please take it with a grain of salt

9:01p i had a bad anxiety day. i won't go into it. i have no energy too. but jason helped me and he got me some cider and a salad and some clean yummy water and some minestrone soup that i will eat later. i need a balcony. somewhere i can get oxygen but not be hassled for cigarettes by drunk guys. tonight i am going to just sit and watch movies. jason went out with some of his friends, but i think he'll be home soon 'cause he is super tired and also has 2 get up early. here is a good place to go if u are feeling stressed: www.dailybreath.com :)

----------

Friday, May 26th, 2000

1:41a please take my poll :) www.anacam.com/poll.html

10:01p i include this very long painful email in here i sent today for the women that i have noticed are struggling with expressing themselves and not wanting to be bitchy. and the ones who were afraid to express themselves in front of their boyfriends because they feared rejection and that horrid brand as "hysterical ovelyr emotional woman" i worl through it myself. here is what i posted in "under the bed" the bbs in ana2.com:

Posted by ANA on May 26, 2000 at 20:47:00:

ok, i sent this off to the people who were in charge of my show the other night. i want to get your opinions on what i wrote...like am i totally fuct? or am i totally a god? LOL :) or am i both? or neither? does this email make any sense? was it stupid to send it? i have never written such a highly emotional email( not any such emotional expression) at men ( and women ) i have run into confrontations with in "the biz"...i have a lot of anger pent up in me that i have never fully expressed at gary kurfirst, prez of radioactive, numero uno mindfuck man. and so i think a lot of my anger came out in here..but i still think these people "deserved" my whole honesty. yet...like many women ( and men) do...we shirk around not fully expressing things for fear that they will think we are "bad" and i can't bear when i feal wrongfully accused. so instead i don't say what i think will piss people off. yet..as i said in this email..there is a difference between being a bitch and being rightfully pissed off. i am trying 2 understand the difference, for i have never wanted to be perceived as being a bitch, since so many people are bitches to me, i over compensate by being "nice" to not ever be like the people i hate. yet...when i try to swing the pendulem to have more of a balance, i have a fear now i have swing too far the other way.
i guess it all boils down to..is...i want to say "do what feels right" , but is that always the answer? i don't know. but, i did it anyway. enough prefacing:

On Fri, 26 May 2000 15:24:18 -0500 p writes:
I heard that a few people were
> expecting a live appearance (which I should have made more of an
> effort to clarify in advance).

yes, u should have made that clear. in the end it's me who looks lame for having not been there in the flesh. very embarrassing for me.

> I read your comments on the subject. Sorry it was such a
> dissapointing experience for you. We did the best we could with what
> resources we had.

i disagree. u didn't even let the tech guy know that therre was supposed to be a speech synth. in fact, just hours before this was all to happen he informed me that he did not even know ANYTHING of what i was going to be doing. he said, " is this going 2 be an audio thing or a visual thing?" i was appalled.
i called him at 5 when the other bands were supposed to arrive for soundcheck and he hadn't even arrived yet. nor read any of my emails i sent him. all he had done was make one call the night before when i was sleeping. so i said, well, when do u expect to be there at first ave?
he said about 6. so i waited at my computer.
i also set up both chat rooms that needed to be set up, just in case a speech synth did arrive in time.
7pm. still no call from him, then finally a call...
he informed me that
the computer hadn't yet even been hooked up to the net, as in: plugged into the wall.

this was an hour before it was going to happen.
then because i had no sound, which completely obliterated any interactive element to my show

( except for one person at a time could walk up to an imac and chat..and the people who chatted with me were my friends i chat with almost every day..except for this psycho woman who would not get off the computer , telling me repeatedly over and over again to meet her at first avenue so she could feed me rice and seduce me! i had to put a caption up into one of my pictures that said" hey dj ...could u get this person off this computer?")

and the imac for the chatroom didn't even arrive until 8pm. and IRC wasn't even installed on it. so thank god i had a java version of my chatroom all readt to go.

not only that , but people were telling me that the pictures were hardly refreshing ever. here i had set it up so the pix would change every 30 seconds, and i'm working my ass off to be interesting using 4 cams instead of the 1, because i had no sound. and then i find out that everything i'm doing isn't even getting through.
the guy, david, told me right from the start that the pictures weren't refreshing, and i told him to click the link on my page that is for people who are having trouble with the pictures not refreshing. well, he didn't click it. he just said "oh, it's working now" and i believed him. well, it wasn't working, and no one was even there hardly ever to monitor what was happening.

so now what do i have? i have 4 pictures refeshing about every 1/2 an hour with no sound. and there wasn't even an explanation in the VIP room as to what this even WAS, hardly ANYONE even knew that the imac was there so u could chat with me. there was no explanation as 2 what anything that room was.
so in the end of all of this, it's ME who looks like a total idiot and i've got people thinking i'm lame now and pissed that i wasn't there live.
i am so angry.

If it's something that still interests you, you might
> consider having a representative on scene to act as a
> technical/aesthetic advisor. It might not be possible now but
> something to consider for the furture if you haven't already.

is that sentence some sort of passive aggessive way of saying that it was my fault because i did not provide u with a technical advisor???
man. u told me u would provide that. so don't even go there.
and then the tech guy, david, says it's not his fault because u didn't even tell him about this event until saturday. which STILL gives him 3 days, which was enough to get together what needed to be done, but he just didn't do it. he didn't care at all. it really sucked.
and in my emails i was VERY specific as to what had to be done. not like he hadn't done this before..he had done it before perfectly. he knew exactly what needed to be done. he just wasn't informed about it and/or didn't care to be informed. it makes no sense to me at all why he didn't do it exactly as he did before. the only conclusion is 1) no one told him and 2) he didn't care to find out
i mean, it wasn't exactly rocket science to put it together.

> I saved a promo CD for you and will mail today.

thanks. u can send it to:

ana voog:
p.o. box 76152
st. paul, mn.
55175

and i would also like to be paid, as u said the money would be tight but u would be able to pay the performers something...you said $100.
and seeing as i played a 5 hour show, i think that $100 would be fair.
please make the cheque out to:

rachael olson ( yes, rachael is my legal name, but not my NAME name , altho those who knew me as rachael before i was ana, feel free to call me rachael )

(conversation that pissed me off between david and i:

david: hi, ANNA?
ana, actually it's "ah-nah"
david in a snotty way: actually, isn't it rachael?
ana: actually my name is ana but u can call me rachael if that makes u feel more comfortable, did u know me when i was rachael?
david: no
ana: well, then...etc....)

just had to put that in there since i'm putting everything in here. that conversation made me feel very disrespected from the get-go
and no i am not TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY mad about EVERYTHING. we DID have our nice moments. all is not lost unless this email burns that bridge, which it very well might. but if any of us were to become friends ( and i have no notion of your intentions, but i'd like to think in my romantisict idealist way that that was a BIT what we were trying 2 do...not JUST to make some bucks, not saying that money is evil, i love money..) , i like to get everything out in the open since i hate false niceness. and let me say that when i was nice to anyone i was not being false nice. it's just that all of what happened was too much for me to digest at that moment since i was very busy getting technically and psychologically prepared for everythiing that night, and it wasn't until the next day that i could get a grasp on what had happened.
and then today i went back and forth back and forth about whether i should say all of this or nothing at all. and of course my business sensible side said not to say anything, because , really when it comes down to it, all of this will not be important ---insert time needed to get over things like this---
but then my business sensible side never wins....
i've spent my whole "musical career" stuffing all my emotions ( what a paradox!) as to not get anyone pissed so i would not burn bridges or get a bad name as being "difficult to work with" which is THEE most cursed of all things to call a woman in any business in this day and age.
and now i'm like...u know what? fuck that. i'm pissed. let's just say IT
you know you've all been there.
thing is , i am not in the music BUSINESS anymore, so i'm just gonna let it fly
and who knows what i'll learn from this. maybe nothing. maybe that i should keep my big mouth shut.
or maybe that it's OK to express being pissed when one has every right to be. which i believe i do.
even that i have to preface and adendum all of this just to explain to u all that i HOPE you can see the difference between being a BITCH or rightfully pissed off. and there is a big difference. i agree, i've have crossed a few bitch lines here. but so did you, in my opinion...which doesn't make it RIGHT, and like "nah nah now we're even"..but hey i'm not ghandi yet so WHATEVER. i'm not going back 2 rewrite anything to be more politically correct, because in my gut i know this needs to be said. FOR ME, it does. i hope u can see the humour in that, but most likley u can't , since i am in attack mode.
man ( no pun intended), as u can see i have a lot 2 work through here.
thank u for being my experiment in expressing my anger within a business situation as i was your experiment in "virtual performance"

as pat said:
I learned a lot from the experience. I hope to try orchestrating a "virtual performance" again, but next time with more careful planning..."

i am still learning from my experience here. and what i have learned AGAIN , is that i just hate playing live, even virtually. but i already knew that.
i went against my better judgement and i know better than that. i hate having to do anything "interesting" at a specified time slot. it goes against my inner soul clock ( i just had to put that jargon in there, because it's just such a "performance artist" thing 2 say

7 billion "arghs" and one mini paper umbrella ( the kind u get in frooty drinks),
ana

p.s. this email was harsh because my experience was harsh and i feel i was not handled with any sort of respect and this whole thing was taken too lightly.
it is not as easy as one would think to do what i do. i do not just sit in front of the cam looking weird or cool or pretty or whatever. it's very complex.
this was a painful and awkward experience for me. and i feel my name was purposely put on the flyers in a vague way to lure more people to the show...people who would not have gone if they had known i would be there via the internet. and it's true. that is what happened.
i did everything in my power to try to undo that flyer by posting to all by bbs and emailing my mailing list of 5,000 people what was the real deal. not that those 5,000 are all from mpls. but i did what i could. plus i put it in my caption for the entire day that i would be at first ave via the internet not in the flesh.
which really wrecked the look of my pictures all day. that might seem like not a big deal to u, but being an live online improvisational photographer is what i do for a living. and it's what pays my rent and buys me food.
i may have been "just pretty wallpaper" for your party....and so i can understand if all this anger might confuse you.
i have taken note that very many people do not comprehend what goes into my cam, and many people talk to me and about me as if i were a preprogrammed hologram. i hope that u can find it within yourselves to just TRY to place yourselves in my position and not think of me as pretty wallpaper as u went off with your drink tickets.

at the age of 22 , i most likely would have not been so pissed about this, as i was "hungry" then , or whatever terminology u want to use for "naive, poor, and groveling". but at 34 and having survived one of the most psychologically twisted and abusive things i've ever experienced from being on radioactive...and the fact that i am still not at all healed from that and i am deeply cynical and loathing of anything even remotely smelling like that. i recoil into my walls and have a friggin anxiety attack because i just can't take any more really careless, insensitive psycho things happening 2 me anymore.
u may think i am overreacting, and now that i have given u a glimpse of my pain ( how goth of me ), u may easily blame my hysterics on that and say that i am neurotic diva. and by me saying that sentence i know that i am projecting my fear onto u before u can project yours onto me...and now i feel like janine garafallo (sp? ) in the opening sequence of the movie "sweethearts". if u haven't seen that movie, u should, it's pretty good. i love dark humour.
anyway...

i know this is a very "unprofessional" email, full of emotion and all that good stuff, which is supposed to be a big no-no when doing business ( unless you're a guy you get the luxury of puffing up like a big peacock and yelling, and then u can just be guy who "just wants things done his way" and that's supposed to be really "efficient" or something )

ok..so this has really been more of an excorcism and a journal entry for me, and who knows what you will get out of it. if nothing else a good laugh at another of my crazy antics of which i seem to be well known for around here. *sigh*

i just had to get this out and tell it how it is ON MY END. otherwise it makes me feel like i'm being used again and being really subservient and i hate that feeling.

maybe u know what i mean.

anyway...
there u have it, as i say.

i'm sure u meant well. just mean it MORE next time, for the sake of humanity.
---insert overly dramatic gesture---
---------------------------------

extra part not sent:

anyway, now i feel like adding 2 that email by saying "think about it as being publically humliated for 4 hours and your name dragged through the dirt for a free cd. "

---------------

i actually heard back from the guy in charge, pat...he responded to me email with great humility and apologies, and that is all i wanted. so it's all fine now. *whew* u never know how how people will react. but i've gotten my apology and i feel happy that i can move forward in a positive direction now with this human being. that's all i ever want. just acknowledgment. i got it. and i feel good that i expressed myself. and thank u so much for supporting me , too. it was a scary thing for me to do. you know how all cities and towns are so incestuous. one weird thing can just blow your reputation. whatever reputation you are trying 2 have..that whole reputation thing is...well, i can't even think about that word right now. it's such a loaded word and means so many things to different people.

*whew*
i feel good that this all ended on a good note :)
i was really wound up about it ( duh. )

---------

in response to some buffoon who said to "get off my high horse about pronouncing my name correctly when it's not even legally my name:

what does LEGAL have to do with anything REAL.
it's REALLY my name. i CHOSE it. so it's MINE
i deserve to have my name pronounced correctly. it is a common courtesy. i don't get ANGRY if people pronounce it wrong. i just correct them in a nice way if they do it wrong because i would like to know if i was mispronouncing anyone's name wrong.

what is this weird thing people have that because it's not legally changed i have absolutely no right whatsoever on being called the bname i wish.

i mean, don't people named david get to pick if they'd rather be called DAVE. or if you are an elizabeth u can be liz, lizzie, beth, etc. are they crucified for that?
or what about nicknames? what if u are asshole junior but people call u junior. is that so wrong?
what the fuck is up with that.

what's YOUR name anyway? how about i just call u PRINCESS ASSHOLE. that is how i pronounce YOUR name, mr. "anonymous".

---------------

other posts from under the bed:

Posted by ANA on May 26, 2000 at 03:06:21:

does anyone know how i could imbed my streamcam into a page? so i can add it to my remote cams?
when jennifer had hers on, it was on a page at the sync, it didn't open windows real media player
also..
i want 2 figure out a way 2 have the live journal in the remote..with scrollbars on the side so u can scroll down..
i know u sent me some html on that..but it didn't make any sense to me. i tried to figure it out tonight. :/
but thank u for sending those! :)
sorry i could understand them :(

right now i am combining anapix on cam 6 to see what kind of effect might happen :) i love using things as transparent logos then see what happens :)

i added some new stuff to the menu

night comes and my mind starts to whir

i think i'll go into bed now tho 'cause it's 2am
but i know my mind will still be whirring

how does everyone watch the cams mostly?
do u still want separte html pages for each cam?
i never did make one for cam3 and 4

do u want me to?

or do u mostly flit around now with the remote...or wtach the 4 cams at once, or maybe the 6 cam one i have now

i just want to get a cam that goes through all the archives still, and then another one that is like live journal. so u could click to it on the remotes and see what i was typing

if anyone can figure out how i could design my live journal page so it was the minimum it needed to be and then could fit into a remote...let me know. it could just be plain white text on a black background with the times that i write the stuff. i dunno if anyone knows what i mean...

Posted by ANA on May 26, 2000 at 20:37:24:

In Reply to: 25 new pics from last night's performance... posted by artvamp on May 26, 2000 at 17:14:03:
wow, it's so weird for me 2 see those pix 'cause ( nad i hope this does not offend u...i can't think of how else 2 put it! and i certainly have no copywrite on dolls or spiraled bellybuttons...heck it's all over the place..and certain types of people gravitate towards the same things/symbols,etc... )they remind me so much of me! more than any other cam so far! the surreal quality , the kind of dark humour of it.

here are the picture we are talking about:
http://209.198.20.105/archive.html

here is artvamp's journal:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/artvamp/

here's her site:
http://www.artvamp.com

and i have this picture i've had in my head for SO long that i am just DYING to take with a good camera...it's been in my head for a decade!
where i am sitting in this little chair and i have this very big barbie-like doll ( have u seen her hanging upside down from my shower? )
anyway...this picture i TRIED to get on my last cd cover but the record co. vetoed it 'cause it was too pornographic.

but i'm STILL gonna do this picture..i have a whole bunch of then i wanna do! they are like sculptures and will take so long egtting the sets and make up just right.

anyway..
so i need to be all covered in clear latex so i look like a doll ( but maybe i can figure out how to make all these effects in photoshop or adobe illustrator..i just think it'd be far more intense if it was "real")

i'll sit staring straight ahead in this littel chair looking like a doll and then my big barbie doll thing will have her standing in between by legs with her arm up me :)

and i call this photo "all dolled up" :)

then there is the pic of the doll hand coming OUT of me...which i still need to perfect :)

altho...i think the reasons we gravitate towards these symbols are for different reasons, but not entirely completely in different universes...the doll symbol is what i am referring to.

i must say as i read your live journal i am somewhat freaked. yet, i also understand about healing yourself with the thing that most hurt u...if that makes ANY sense whatsoever.

it's a very messy sticky bizarre world of contradictions. i think u are facing those contradictions admirably and courageously

very much like annie sprinkle, in your way :)
and...i'd like to end this on a really good summed up sort of a thing..but i can't think of it..

so..

there i have it
at this second :)

---------

Posted by ANA on May 26, 2000 at 03:46:12:

how do people do that thing where u can view the last 10 pictures of the cam?
also...does anyone have any of those toys that used to be on beautiful accident, like the pooka puzzle and stuff? is furjack still around? i think he made that.
i wanna get all those cool toys back up and one of those things where u can draw on a white board
and we can have a pooka colouring book or something , too :)

anyone know where i can get that plug in for IRC where u can have a white board in irc and u can draw with people in real time while u chat in irc? that plug in was so cool!

----------

from the peepingmoe.com jennicam forum:

ana voog ( one N )
Posted By: ANA
Date: Friday, 26 May 2000, at 4:23 p.m.

In Response To: jenni stream and anna-voog (corto)

it's ana, with one n :)
yes, i have streaming from hereandnow.net, which was the same place she was getting hers before. or rather some sort of combination hereandnow.net and thesync, which were going 2 converge, but now are not.
when jennifer took her stream down, i think hereandnow/thesync ( confusion ) put me on the same line she was on ( i didn't even know this until now, when u pointed this out! )
weird!

anyway, yep, i have streaming and USUALLY with audio ( i've had streaming for years but until now it was only for ana2 because i couldn't afford to make it public ) , too, altho when jason is home ( my boyfriend ) is home i turn the sound off because he is uncomfortable with it.
so..since this is memorial weekend, the sound will be off a lot. except sometimes at night when he goes to sleep and i'm a total night owl, i will turn it on :)

and i can't do much with the stream...since it's on a cam with a very short cord. but that'll be rectified soon ( i hope )
anyway u can get 2 the streamcam by clicking "stream cam" in the menu of anacam

but all i'm doing right now is typing and making a "anagram" ( ana2's somewhat daily "anazine" )

i should point it at the living room perhaps and u can watch my fluff monsters ( japanese chin dogs! LOVE THEM!!! ) play :)

i can't wait for jennifer to have her streaming back up 'cause we want 2 play around with stuff together. like the one day she was singing to all that music ( and it really lifted me out of my bad mood that day ) she put on my cd for a few minutes and was singing along :))) then i sang along to her singing along to me and we were saying to each other via icq " god bless the internet!" and laughing :) it was so coooool :)))

so now we are thinking of loosely starting internet only all female band and calling it "bitchcraft", perhaps :)
she and i both have no idea how to do this, so we will learn together and just write really silly songs just for fun ( as it always should just for fun, imo :)

anyway...who knows what will happen , but it's fun 2 think about :)

but i haven't even emailed her yet since her move 'cause i don't wanna bug her with all the unpacking she has 2 do!

----------

eeek. penis chopping and metal horns
Posted By: ANA
Date: Friday, 26 May 2000, at 5:16 p.m.

In Response To: ANA?? (loudly (no N's))

why would u want 2 lop off your penis?
but if you're into that sort of thing here's the place 2 go:

www.bme.freeq.com

but u have 2 have a membership 2 get the the "extreme" stuff.
it's very interesting, thought provoking, horrific, and beautiful, depending on your point of view

i want metal horns implanted into my skull. if only it weren't such a bitch 2 do! LOL :)

--------

who's watching who?
Posted By: ANA
Date: Friday, 26 May 2000, at 4:52 p.m.

In Response To: Re: ana voog ( one N ) (corto)

thank u :)
it'll seriously take me a year 2 type out all those old journals. but it is a very cool process for me to be able to see things from a more distant perspective. because i think i still cling to old patterns that are destructive...i can see in my journals how i thought and how i think now, and how much of how i thought i still think now, etc. it's just bizre to me why me, being a smart person, would choose to do so many very stupid and destructive things. so, now that i've gotten a decade between me and those journals, o hope i can finally get a grasp on that and come to come sort of closure. and i hope it will help some other people, too. because so many of us choose to be in such abusive relationships and just can't seem to get out of them because i think we are scared too ( or something ). i dunnno. it's a sticky webby mess, and it probably always will be. but that doesn't stop me from analyzing every scrap of it trying 2 understand myself better, and therefore, hopefully understanding more of the world around me.
i think this is quite a bit how jennifer works , too..which is why, i think, we have become friends. we love psychology and WATCHING. it's funny because as i think u are all watching us, we are definitely watching u back and analyzing u, as well. with the bbs and the emails, etc.
it's very interesting :)

sometimes the best place to hide is right in the open?
i remember dave navarro saying that about me/to me once, and it stuck with me because it was such a paradox ( and i love a good paradox :). and i am starting 2 see some truth in that.

---------

i little tiff i had ( it was a bitchcraft day )

Jenni just showered
Posted By: dork

and changed and the cam never moved to NE1 of her 5 cam angles.
Whine, wimper, snivel.:=(

---------

:/
Posted By: ANA
In Response To: Jenni just showered (dork)

oh no! did that wreck your orgasm?

---------

No
Posted By: dork
In Response To: :/ (ANA)

sorry to disappoint you but I was just making a comment.

---------

Re: No
Posted By: ANA
In Response To: No (dork)

okey dokey :)

---------

Re:actually...
Posted By: dork
In Response To: Re: No (ANA)

that link you posted earlier was enough to put off any impending orgasam I was likely to have today, involving my wifey even.

-------

thank u! :)
Posted By: ANA
In Response To: Re:actually... (dork)

oh good, i'm so glad i could keep in alignment with my mission to keep your sperm INSIDE of u, where it belongs :)