anagram 05.23.99

hi :) I have barely any cool campix from the last few days 'cause I was redesigning anacam and that took one whole day. then the next day I was kind of computered out so I stared a lot and generally just felt pmsy. I don't know WHEN I'm going 2 get my period! I know it's been more than 28 days but I'm not worried that I'm pregnant. it's just that I went off the pill because I ran out and now my body is trying 2 readjust and find it's natural clock. I'd go in and get the pill again, but I'm afraid that the appointment they make for me could land on a day I have my period. because they make u get a pap smear before u can get the pill, and u can't have a pap smear during your period. because, for those of u guys who don't know what a pap smear entails…they stick this speculum up u…and argh..u know what? I don't even feel like typing it out! that's how pmsy I am! lol! look it up on the net :)
I am really happy about the new design of anacam. I think it is more representative of…part of me! ack! I cannot explain it. it's cool, I like it so that's that! I cannot even type today!
so here is a post I made in the bbs. I don't know what I'll do today. I don't feel calm enough to do nothing but I feel like I want 2 do SOMETHING! oh! and here are some more genital pix! that's for the women..and I have a TON more guy ones! but after this anagram I think I'm genitalled out for the wek at least! I wish more women would've sent there's in. but here is one more woman trooper who sent her gorgeous one in! ok, so here is the post:

Posted by ANA on May 24, 1999 at 10:49:51:
i posted this at a different bbs, and i'm posting it here, as well. i woke up really early! it's sunny out, but cold. i have a knot in my back that burns. my face is breaking out with zits al over the frickin place 'cause i went off the pill and my hormones are readjusting. ok, here is my post:
i was raped about ten years ago and then lived 7 years in total fear that it would happen again. i would plot out different tactics 2 different scenarios of how would keep myself safe if that ever happened again.like if he came in through THIS window...i'll run HERE.
this guy that did it to me was a total stranger. the locks held on the door, he busted right THROUGH the door in a good nieghbourhood while i lived with my mom at 10pm. he must have been stalking me. and this was when i only worked at a donut shop, i was now known in any way.
so it wasn't like i could say "well, don't dress like a slut in the bad neighbourhood at midnight"
it was more like "don't wear your floppy pjs in your bedroom reading while living with your mother in a good neighbourhood!"
i never felt safe anywhere after that. it seemed so random. it effects me greatly to this day.
i went over and over the "karmic implications" about owning a gun for years and years and years.
then finally i saud FUCK i DESERVE the right 2 defend myself!
if somebody EVER comes busting through my door again like jack nicholson from the shining...i'm NOT going to hide and hope he doesn't find me..i'm going to SHOOT him! i deserve better than to live my life in fear like that.
so my thoughts changed to "i hope i don't die a violent death today" to "i hope i don't have to shoot anyone today!" which, as bizarre and twisted as that seems, was a HUGE HUGE HUGE load off of me.
and i felt SO much more peaceful and light!
it's such a paradox, i know.
i just DECIDED i am going to buy a gun with NO GUILT or SHAME because i DESERVE the right 2 protect myself from that.
my spiritual beliefs are as such that i think one could just repell violence with sheer will of joy and love. or like a tai chi master..do what they do..which is incredible..i cannot explain it.
but i'm not a perfect calm tai chi master yet. i guess i am not "trusting in the force" to make that work effortlessly!
but until i reach that place i'd like 2 be, i'm gonna have a gun. 'cause i feel a BILLION times better with it than without it. i think it it because i decided 2 buy it with no guilt. i had 2 rid myself of all the fear i had about guns. it is my intent behind buying it that i think gives me peace. and the sheer ACT of buying it is the "force" that keeps me safe now, rather than the actual gun, itself.
am i making sense 2 anyone on this?
the symbolic act of buying the gun had enough energy "behind" it to keep me safe than the actual gun.
i hope that sentence makes sense 2 anyone!
ok, that's my personal view of it.
and 2 quote the old "it's not guns that kill people, it's people who kill people". i think that is very right on.
we need 2 stop glorifying violence so much. it's as simple as that. we need more communication and more love in the world. it's as "simple" as that. ha
i mean the american ANTHEM has in it "and the rockets red glare, the BOMBS bursting in air...gave proof through the night that our flag was still there"
do u not think that sends a message out to the americans that using bombs etc, is a noble and beautiful thing? ack.
and it's sung at EVERY frickin sport thing and drilled into u since school. maybe we, americans, could take a step back and just start THERE , with the anthem?
and don't buy our children any war toys. and communicate with them greatly everyday. communication is so dysfunctional about everything, it seems! i think the biggest course that they should teach every year is "the art of communication". but what do we get 2 learn? we get 2 learn when the war of 1812 is..ya 1812...thank u 2 the american school system. at least where *I* went.
i'm sure there are some great schools, too. i know my boyfriend really loves the school he went 2. but i think those are in the minority.
i really could go on and on and on.
to say we will make it harder to GET guns, too..is just not going 2 work. a gun is made EVERY 12 minutes! and has the shelf life of 400 years! hello? i mean, what's up with THAT? but it's nearly impossible 2 stop it.
that's why i think we have 2 stop blaming things outside of us for the violence. he gun isn't going 2 shoot itself.
the chair isn't going to throw itself across the room at your head. there is no "E-Z" answer. it's SIMPLE but not E-Z. presto-matic-peace
it takes meticulous time 2 communicate love, self-worth, non-greediness etc,
nonFEAR of those that look or act "different"
and beyond beyond beyond..as u all know
ok, i'm done 4 now...