|
may
23rd, 2003
|
|
||||||
8:30pm
mouseover:
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
4:08pm
selling
my stash of anavoog.com
i have 20 autographed copies of anavoog.com i am selling for 30 bucks each.
and 20 autographed copies of "please god" cd single (backed with "hollywood") that is enhanced with a cool video of mine i made on it...also 30 bucks a piece.
these
are not in print anymore. and these are the LAST ones i have.
you aren't going to get anymore of these autographed by me EVER.
as
an extra bonus...
each one will also come with an autographed print of one of my photos i have
taken recently. i get to pick which photo you will get so it will be a surprise.
so
if you are interested in buying one or 2...email me:
ana101@hotmail.com
3:50pm
i don't know why i have such a hard time parting with things like my drawings
from my childhood. but i seriously regret having sold that last batch.
but i'll be dead in 50 years or less, so what does it matter?
in the back of my head i'm saving these things FOR someone. but who?
i'm not going to have kids. so who will get all my cool stuff i've accumulated
throughout the years? who will CARE to have these things after i die?
so i may as well have the $ for them now. right?
if i had a family, then it would make more sense. but i just have no one.
all these things will turn to dust. all the people who know me now will also
be dead in 50 years more or less.
things like all the letters my mom has ever written me. who is going to care?
all my report cards from kindergarten on up. who is going to care?
why do i hold on to these things as if they were someone precious?
i want to make a will...but all the people i would leave this stuff to will
ALSO be dead when i am. so who do i leave all my stuff to? who is going to
outlive me that wants my stuff?
so why SHOULDN'T i sell my sxsw people's choice award on ebay? especially
if i don't really look at it very much anyway. when i die, where is this thing
going to go?
at least if i sell it on ebay i know it's going to someone who actually WANTS
it, PLUS i get money while i'm still alive.
so that all makes sense , right?
the the thing is...i
always had this ...i guess extremely narcissitic dream, that i would be able
to buy a house and then i would somehow, artfully, incoorporate all of this
stuff into the house...so it would be a huge diary/shrine, to my life.
A LIFE. a documentary of a girl who had lived during this era. a HUGE documentary.
we all want to leave something behind of us, right? we all don't want to be
forgotten. so is that such a bad thing? when for historic purposes it WOULD
be quite interesting. i wanted it to be the most well documented life art
thing EVER.
archeologists would LOVE me for it. they are always trying to put together
the pieces of a person.
but if i sell any more stuff, it's just going to be incomplete.
and if it's incomplete, then i may as well sell everything.
and then i may as well abandon the project altogether.
all i can think of doing
now is just taking pictures of it all and keeping it intact on disks.
a life on cd rom. it would have been really cool if all the things could have
remained tangible. because nothing can speak for a person's life better than
the real things, that still contain the imprinted energy from that preson
and that era.
it's why we all love antiques so much.
so...
i sort of feel defeated.
but we can't win EVERYTHING, right?
sometimes life doesn't go as planned.
that's a pill we all have to swallow.
and in 50 years i'll be dead, so what does it really even matter, in the end?
everything ends. everything dies. everything is forgotten.
nothing is permanent.
age old dilemmas people have struggled with since the dawn of time.
everything i ever make
will, at some point, be destroyed.
all my hats will turn to dust.
all my music will just fade off...
all my diaries will turn to dust...
people will look at my photos and have no frame of reference.
i don't know...
i can still take pictures of everything and put them on a cd.
a huge book/archive of my existence. and then...whatever fate befalls that
after i die...so be it.
i don't know how big
of an echo i will leave.
does it really matter?
3:30pm
i'm still dealing with paypal and their bullshit. i finally called them on
the phone again since they won't even REPLY to my emails! they said they will
give my account highest importance now and get back to me a couple days (again).
i hope this will be the END of this! i am so angry with them. i have been
a good customer and have given them nothing but money. fuckers.
now i am getting ready to get to the bank. i must take out $ to pay back jason for the clear plastic boots. he paid them with his paypal since mine doesn't work.
and then i must find
more things to put up on ebay to sell!
but i don't know what...
i need $400 somehow to pay back my doctor so i can then go see him again to
get more amitriptyline. amitriptyline is the only drug i take. i take it for
my migraines.
maybe i will have to go sell my guitar. i don't know. this really sucks.
i should also haul my tv down to the garbage.
well, this all is seriously depressing me....so i'll stop here and get a move on with my day.
i woke up with "midnight
train to georgia" in my head.
i have no idea why.
forward march...