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new
anapix up!
here's what i've written in "read
my mind" plus "anarchy"
and "under
the bed"
may 14th, 2000
5:27p new
anagram up, new analog up. sun is out making the fake diamond ring on my finger
do the cool "many little rainbows thing" as i type. i think i must
take a nap. i am beyond beyond beyond exhausted in every single way imaginable.
i should take bath but i'm afriad i'd fall asleep in it and drown and that
wouldn't be very fun, but i'm sure it would make some interesting cam pix.
too bad i can't open my eyes underwater. well, what i mean is i don't. the
thought of it scares me. seems lie it would sting my eyes. it would be cool
to have a cam i could take with me underwater, tho, in the bathtub! never
thought of doing that until just now. any suggestions of where i could find
a cam i could take with into the water when i take a bubblebath?
6:56p something i wrote this morning to my sleepstation mailing list:
man, i had
this gross dream right before i woke up this morning that i was back in the
goldrush days and everyone was panning for gold, and no one knew what' fool's
gold" was yet
no one was finding gold, just the fool's gold and they would travel thousands
of miles for months through treacherous terrain just to get home and find
out that everything they did was for nothing
and the river people were panning was FILLed with sea creatures, octopi and
sea urchins etc etc. u couldn't out your hand in without touching them. it
was beautiful yet disgusting.
people panned the river until it became poluuted. then someone decided to
somehow gush a ton of water through that river to cleanse it..like a damn
that had broken
i got so angry , knowing this was not going to help but only destruct i started
shooting everyone man with arrows ( i was an indian then? )
i kept shooting and shotting and pushing them into the river.
and it just never ended. i couldn't kill them all.
it was awful
7:52p gonna take a bath now. i'm a total grime. i'll be renewed when i get
out and then i hope i'll find a good movie 2 watch in bed :) heaven :) i just
need a boombox, any old little one so i can listen to my cassette tapes when
i'm in the tub. i guess i could drag my laptop in there to play cds on, but
the little speakers on it are pretty crummy. sometimes i wear headphones but
then people freak out that i'll get electrocuted
-------------
Monday, May 15th, 2000
10:06a i woke up at 7am just as jason went off 2 werk. i'm still up but gonna
go back 2 bed soon. just wanted 2 tell ya sorry 'bout last night's images
( while i was sleeping) were just a slideshow from when i was at hereandnow.net
....i was TRYING 2 get that to be a very transparent logo over the picture
of me sleeping. but i screwed it up!...hard sometimes 2 get it "just
right" it looks like it's gonna be a beautiful day. the sun is out again.
wish i could stay up, but i know that sleep is more important ( to me , it
is ) 'cause i'm fellinga bit rundown again. and i am NOT going 2 have that
month long cold i STILL have not fully recovered from. so, back 2 bed i go
:) i wish i had a round bed with a cam rigt above it so it loked like i was
sleeping in a mandela :)
10:12a i have the power puff girl theme song stuck in my head. augh. i love
the power puff girls, but i like to watch it with the sound off 'acuse i always
hate the voices of the stupid villians. i just wanna watch the powerpuff girls
play hopscotch and skip rope. skipping rope! i want that. do u know that is
one of the best excersises a person can do? o u know where i could buy a skipping
rope AND a hoola hoop online? cool sites i found yesterday" www.yumpop.com
, and my new OBSESSION is "tare panda'" www.tare-panda.com i AM
the panda. atre is suppposed to mean "lazy" but i prefer to call
him/her "content panda :)
3:53p the stream cam is back on! yay :) there is a link to it in the menu
of www.anacam.com or ana2. but i'm off to do errands now so thecamis pointed
at my tiny fish
4:56p i'm back, can't say much 'acuse i said it all on the streaming cam.
i can't stop being nervous. i am so nervous i think i might go back into the
bedroom and lay down soon, but as soon as i tyoe out something i will do,
i don't do it. weird. like yesterday i said i was gonno go into analove (
irc.warped.net #analove ) , then i didn'tbut i think i will now go in there.
pergaps that will calm me down...right after i read my email :)
---------
Tuesday, May 16th, 2000
11:32a i'm going out to eat with my mom today. i couldn't get together with
her on mother's day, so we're doing it today. i am so groggy. dreams stuck
in my cells. shake it off shake it off. i gotta fer ready as fast as i can
'cause she might be here in 1/2 an hour. sorry the streamcam froze up last
night. it has a tendency to freeze up my computer. but it's back on now, not
like i'm doing anything interesting ,tho...i am just gonna get dressed and
brush my teeth and put some visine in my eyes.
8:26p i have a lot 2 say. my mom was over today. it was good. but ..so much.
i can't tyoe it. i have 2 go watch tv or i'll implode
------
Wednesday, May 17th, 2000
7:43p i'm not in a typing mood today, but i made some really cool pictures
thsi afternoon that i still have 2 sort through. no words today. just pictures.
i'll get a new anagram up soonish so u can see what i did. and ya, i know
i know...i'll get the anapix up too...soonish.
(
7:45p oh ya, and if anyone has any videos or movies that u have the rights
to..and if u want me to play them on my streaming audio real medai thing..send
them off 2 me :) p.o. box 76152 St. Paul, MN 55175
--------
Thursday, May 18th, 2000
2:51p well, i finally fell asleep at a faily decent hor ( which means i went
to sleep before the sun cam e up ) and i was sleeping so wonderfully until
some SPASTIC person decided to call me every 5 minutes for an hour without
ever leaving amessage, and my caller id says "out of area". so....i
must remember 2 turn off my phone before i go 2 sleep. now i am going to work
on getting the anapix up. the stream cam froze up my computer while i wa sleep,
so frozen i had to unplug it to get it to stop being frozen! my house isa
disatrous mess. but i'm not gonna deal with it now. i will work on anapix,
then anagram, then analog...and my streamcam is on now. go watch me lipsynch
to "we've got a fuzzbox and we're gonna use it" yes, that's the
whole bands name! they were an all female band from the 80's. vety shortlived
and their FIRST record is one of my all time fave records! i saw them once
at the glastonbery festival in england when i was 20 ( i'm 34 now..so what
year was that? ). that were absolutely horrible live. but their first record
called "boastin steve austin" makes me sooooo happy. i was in england
'cause i was going out with roybn hitchcock and the egyptian's tour manager
and i had flown over to see him. i had so many cooll pictures i took but i
forgot them ALL in the middle of trafalger square because i was so smitten
by the lead singer , graham day, of another band called The Prisoners".
graham had given me his phone # when i had gone 2 one of his shows and i told
him in a drunken stat "i have flown all the way from america to see you!"
which...sounds rather insane and grandiose. but it was somewhat true! graham
day was a sort of beer drinking mysoginist mod. but i didn't get that until
later...all i knew is he wrote the most painful songs that seemed to express
everything i was at that time. ah, i am SO glad i am not 20 anymore!!!! so
many stories within storise within stories just in these few sentences here.
anyway, my song on "introducing sorrow" ( that u can download for
free in "ana musiq") called "where is day" was originally
going to be about graham day and where had he gone? 'cause by the time it
was the prisoners 5th record, graham disappeared. i still wonder..where is
day? someone told me he became a fireman. weird. in the end, "where id
day" became a song about a stuffed rabbit named day who was sewn by the
literal embodiment of the emotion sorrow/sadness...anyway u can read the whoe
story in "ana musiq" so i'll bet with this post i have just "upped"
my "weirdness" factor :) anyway, "where is day?" is a
good song :)
3:34p here u go shannon kring, lots of pix from your shows! i think u are
stunningly gorgeous and very brave :) take any or all of these pix and haver
fun with them. :) and remember never to take anything too seriously, HUMOUR
is the key to healing :) ../simp/Documents/kring/kring.html
5:12p if u cannot see the pix in the url of the post right below this one:
view it in
IE, not netscape, then u can see it there is a "space" in the name
of the jpeg that causes netscape not 2 see it my new aloecam thing which grabs
images puts them in there,adds a space in the name,and it would be a big pain
to go rename those 120 jpegs right now i thought i fixed it to aloecam would
not put a space, but i guess it didn't werk. back 2 the drawing board...
7:29p i just posted a manifesto of swearword on my public bbs called anarchy.
if u can stomache something like that here it is http://www.fetik3.com/bbs/ana.html
the post is called
"my 7 billion
dollars in 1 dollar bills"
10:07p new anapix up! http://www.anacam.com/anapix i know it took me FOREVER
to update it 2 the new batch but they are up now! yay :) i'm watching a thng
on abba on bravo. i feel drained yet purged from my crazed rant on anarchy.
now i must get away from this computer and go make a nest in the bedroom with
my dogs and fall asleeeeeep ( hopefully ) too long of a day at the computer,
but i couldn't pul myself away ( as always ) i have so many cool pictures
to make a new anagram of...but that'll have 2 wait until tomorrow because
i have to get away from the computer. and i having fun with cool new logo/frames
that cyberpup and flower made me :)
----------
Friday, May 19th, 2000
Time Event
1:27p i'm up, reading my forums. it;s really cold in here! brr! i turned the
oven on to heat up the place. it's 59 degrees out. dunno what i'll do with
my day yet. that's all i've got 2 say right. perhaps i'll go work on an anagram
now
3:30p i can't deal with the computer or interaction today. at least not right
now. i want to go outside and lay in the grass but if i do people will ask
me for matches or cigarettes or how did i get my hair like that and how long
did it take and what do i do and what is my name ....so....instead of hyping
myself up for hours and finding clothes i feel comfortable wearing and firing
up the psychic sheilds and what not. i am going to lay on the living room
floor and stare at the ceiling while wearing my nifty headphones that block
out sound by creating some sort of inaudible high pitched sound. and i will
lay there until i can think of something i'd rather do. and i have reeived
so many wonderful emails today...so much support..then what do i do? i focus
on the ONE negative one. why is that? people can post in my bbs so many nice
thinsg but i respond to the ones that are negative. that's really stupid of
me. i just hate being misunderstood. it's one of the things that drives me
the most crazy. i can't stand it when people walk away thinking the wring
thing about me, and i have no control over that. they will always think wrongly
of me. i wish it didn't bother me. but it does. i'm gonna stop writing right
here or i'll type all day and i don't wanna do that. i need to recharge instead
of putting all m,y energy into trying 2 right the wrong i feel against me.
i need to focus on all the good people u have around me. thank u good people
around me that i do not ackknowledge enough. thank u and bear with me :) or
something....ok, no more words. only recharging now
4:12p since i type very slowly when typing out my journals since i have 2
look at my hands while typing ( altho i did finally install mavis beacon and
now i know asdf and jkl :) i was wondering...now that i have sound and video
for everyone, IF anyone would be interested in typing out my journals for
me as i read them outloud? i know that is a huge task for one person but maybe
i could many people taking turns or something. i could meet the person who
would be typing in a chat channel and they could tell me whether or not to
slow down or speed up, or they need to take a break, or just stop altogether,
or back up because they didn't catch that last sentence. and then it might
be interesting to some people to hear me read them outloud ( although i'd
have to inset things like "period" and "capitalize that"
and stuff like that ) and then when that person was done typing they could
send it to me and i could ftp it up onto my site. i know it's asking a lot
, but perhaps there are some people out there who just love to type and can't
get enough of it :) hehe :) so...if anyone is interested let me know :) anacam@camgirl7.com
5:56p i'm pushing myself too hard to be or do or whatever. i'm pushing myself
to hard to get out of this funk i'm in. the more i push, the more unhappy
i become. the more unhappy i become the more i push to try to get myself out
of it. the more unhappy i become the more i feel stupid the more i feel depressed
the more i feel out of control of myself and my emotions. i feel stupid for
not being able to stop it. i feek weak and stupid. it's a horrible cycle.
i don't want 2 dig myself into a hole. but like quicksand, the more i move
the more i entrap myself in it. i have to just allow myself to be depressed
and to be completely "unproductive" i feel bad i am missng a nice
day outside. i feel bad that i don't get outside and walk and buy myself a
salad so i can eat better so i canget my brain chemistry right so i can get
myself out of this crummy feeling. i don't know what else to except to just
sort througyh cam pictures because i have so many to sort through and it's
a task that reqires nmot much energy so at least i feel i'm doing SOMETHING
with my day. i like to write in here but today i feel like disabling the comment
on this section, because the things people write that are so off base about
me are makinhg me depressed. then i feel stupid that they are making me depressed
and so on and so forth.. it's all just really stupid. there's nothing i can
do but jus sit this thing through. now/here 2 go but through. as i say
-----------------
warning vile angry post below!
my 7 billion dollars in 1 dollar bills post:
Posted by ANA on May 18, 2000 at 18:18:40:
In
Reply to: my two cents... posted by cyn on May 18, 2000 at 17:19:16:
i have no ill will to cyn at all ! iike her very much! i think her site is
wonderful
why
i don't post at cyn's board ( but i think u ared wonderful, cyn..and i'm sorry
u had some bad experiences here, so have i..it's the "price" of
being a popular site with a public bbs. it waxes and wanes..it gets fun then
it gets ugly then it gets fun again )
i just don't post there because i already have my two bbs ( anarcy , under
the bed) that's hard to keep up with :)
plus my analogs, anagrams, live journal, ,ailing list, news group, and about
10 email accounts
and
now that dev IS over there...well...i really dislike her to put it mildly
she has been a complete bitch to me since day 1
it's too much to get into and very draining and very boring
yes, dev and i HAVE had some pleasant exchanges of stuff, but the bad far
outweigh the god and her saying that" what does BRAVE have anything to
do with breast implants?" in her snide horrible way she does like she
is bringing up some really rad thought that hasn't already been talked about
to DEATH on here. and i REALLY will not put up with that kind if cruel and
stupid judgement. and why did the thread about me almost getting raped deteriorate
into WHY i got breast implants?? i mean, MY GOD.
any way. i am brave. it was a brave thing. i don't owe anyone an explanation
on that AGAIN. at least not now. i've already put my heart and soul into that
topic and u can read it all in the analogs. and anyone who is going to judge
me and say that it wasn't brave or maybe allude to that i am maybe a coward
for getting them ? well FUCK them. i don't need that shit. this bbs is an
extension of my living room and dev pissed on my furniture far too many times.
so fuck her and the horse she rode in on. and if anyone wants to tell me to
fuck off about me telling her to fuck off, well, fuck you too.
and
if anyone who is reading this and really wants to tell me to fuck off but
you are afraid to because you are afraid that i might ban u or something...
well, that's YOUR problem, not mine.
i am not silencing anyone or censoring anyone or stopping their freedom of
speech rights. they can go right on over to cyn's bbs and go do it over there.
and they have. and i'm glad they found somewhere else to go.
but
ya, as i've said a BILLION times this is not some sort place u CAN get away
with saying ANYTHING.if i hate your guts i will ban u. i don't know why ANYONE
should HAVE to deal with people drinking beer then throwing up on your carpet
and then as your trying to drag them out of your house they're screaming"
fascist!" whatever.
it's an extenison of my house and if u drink all my beer then throw up on
my carpet. then u are OUTTA here.
dev,...i just got sick of her being a total fucking bitch to me so , after
a year, i had had enough and booted her out
i
had good reason to. the only reason SOME men didn't see how and why she was
a bitch, is beyond me. but i thnk it has something to do with they are thinking
with their dicks. ANYONE who was/is a girl when SOME of those guys were on
the bbs..man....they would just FLOCK to them
it's quite wild to watch.
it happens in my chatroom too
girls can get away with murder on the net
if dev were a guy we wouldn't even be having this "conversation"
IN MY OPINION
if dev had been a man, edward's reaction would have been FAR different
i
mean, for one....ed liked IMP who is a paranoid shchizophrenic who has violent
arguments with anthony keidis from the red hot chili peppers. she threatened
to cut off his dick because he wasn't "getting her ESP" and everything.
then she began channeling the dead guitarist from the red hot chili peppers
over in some other long ago anacam bbs.
she was even arrested for stalking anthony and anthony's fathers house.
and imp wasn't much nicer to me either....that's all i need is an episode of "single white female" happening in my life. been there. done that.
actually ed thought imp as ever so cute and impish, and she was more like a cutie pie girly whirly tugging at my ponytails in an annoying but ever so cute and clever way.
imp DID cyberstalk me, and so do a bunch of those other people that are now on cyn's bbs. i had to shut down MANY bbs beause those people runied them. thank god this current version of a bbs...that jason work very hard at maintaining.
people have no clue. i do NOT get it.
i
mean...garo...runs over to my bbs just to post "i pity you"
why? i don't run over to HIS house and piss on his pink flamigos in the yard.
WHY on earth would anyone want to be here if u KNOW i hate u ??? is it some
masochistic thing?
is this why jerry springer can get so many people on tv just BGGING to be
humiliated?
it's freaking psychotic is what it is. and still DAILY some of those people
STILL try to post in my bbs or emai lor whatever saying they are having "ESP"
with me
like WHAT??
and i'm the one who's being weird?
and get this , after i told ed, please do NOT talk about imp anymore on my
bbs..i told him over and over that i hate her...
he asks imp to help him end a fictitious story about me, celtic king ( and
no i am not mad at all at celtic king in any way shape or form ), imp and
fetik3!!!!
so imp ends the story in a REALLY psycho way basically saying the jason is just my puppet and that i am really a lesbian something er other.
so ed then PUBLISHES this and sends me a copy!!! what...i'm supposed to LIKE this? he KNOWS how much i HATE her and reallt it COULD turn violent, u know??? my GOD, is anyone LISTENING????
and i didn't say a word to him about it 'cause i didn't want to go there.
then
on the day the shit hit he fan..ed is like, " i think i have a really
good judge of character and u shouldn't tell dev to leave. she is your really
good friend"
which btw, i never BANNED her i told her to leave and she did, thank GOD
she was NEVER my good friend. who is he..who is ANYONE to tell me who my "really good friends" are?
and i'm like , " ed u are NOT a good judge of character and i tell him how psycho imp is and how much he KNOWS i hate her and am FRIGHTENED by her...that he STILL sends me stuff about her ...her writing that thing in the story
it's just too much. it's just WAY too stupid and there are so many details but it just just bascally very stupid and i think there are quite a few people over there who have quite a few screws loose
and no one gets too see the FULL story..only me...because no one has seen EVERYTHING on my site and every post and every email i've received from these people as i've watched it unfold over THREE YEARS!
u
think the cam is the most interesting aspect of anacam? or even this bbs?
let me tell ya, it's the EMAILS i receive from people that u would REALLY
have a field day with!
woa.
u should see how many people still try to hack in to this bbs on a daily basis
who were banned from here eons ago! is that not BIZZARE psycho scary?
u think u are getting the whole picture of EVERYTHING? man, it goes WAY deeper.
so
some newbie on my bbs doesn't get why i hate some people...well, they are
NOT seeing the full story and i TRY to tell them the full story but no one
will believe me or something
i just don't get it. i don't get it at all.
so..i'm
glad "they" ( THEY meaning who i am talking about. NOT EVERYONE
over there, k???) are over there and off my bbs...if anyone wants to think
i'm crazy because i KNOW that dev is a psycho bitch and edward is a lonely
lonely old punk rocker guy who is desparate to receive ANY kind of female
attention to the point that he thinks a schizo psycho violent girl who stalks
people is just being "cute" ...
JUST MY OPINION ED, FREEDOM OF SPEECH RIGHT MAN? and hey u should just PUT
UP with me insulting you because i'm a GIRL and maybe maybe maybe someday
someday someday i will cyberfuck you.
hey, so don't be upset with me, i'm just being "impish"
see how u like it?
is that fun for you?
how would u like that if you had a bbs and i just went running over there
right now and posted that. would that feel good?? should u HAVE to put up
with me cause i'm a GIRL????
hey man, no offense, i'm just bringing up some "valid issues"
*does a cute little curtsey wink winky*
say...do i feel like your REALLY GOOD FRIEND now,ed? how does it FEEEEEEEEEEEELLL????
if u get mad at me now , then you'll be a fascist too. can u handle that?
and that's just a SAMPLING of the sort of BULLSHIT i'm SUPPOSED to take EVERYDAY EVERY MINUTE because....WHY??? why should i have to?
i mean it's all so CRAZY. god fucking god.
i mean..
my god.
what
can i say?
i've said it all a trillion times
my
god. nuts.
it's way beyond my comprehension
and i'm not saying this about EVERYONE over "there" (cyns bbs )
just the people i have mentioned
good thing there are many many bbs for everyone on there many differing viewpoints
*makes the peace sign *
but garo, caboom, martha, imp, and dev..if they are over there...i'm so glad
i'm not
i can't type about this anymore . i just hurt.
all i know is I'M not running over to garo's fucking bbs and posting really cruel things about him. and the only reason i'm ragging on him now is because and bringing this all up AGAIN is because people are emailing with all sorts of questions and people are wondering who i'm pissed and and who i'm not.
i
am not al ALL upset with cyn, i love her site, it's very wonderful, i love
her mailings
i love goofygrape and dankitti who are over there
and a whole bunch of other people
all i can think of at the top of my head who i am mad at are: dev, imp, edward, caboom, martha, and garo
and i wouldn't even had remembered abnout garo if it hadn't been for him running over here like a weird psycho guy posting things like "i pity you" in my live journal and anarchy.
what the fuck???
why would anyone be just paying so much attention to me if i am so utterly bad? wouldn't they want to go away? i don't get it!
....
no more words
bubblebath
time
and guinness time
and all of u who know i love u, thank u back, u have my eternal friendship, and it's YOU wonderful people who help me get through my days nad i do not take u for granted
thank u blonnie for your post, it really saved my day. u totally kick ass.
and i love u too, dankitti and goofygrape and john bose and cyn and all my friends over there posting in cyn's board. there's enough room the world for a trillion bbs and forums for all of us to get our shit out and share our secrets and help to heal ourselves , share , laugh or drown in self loathing, etc
here's to pushing "submit follow up" and making it out alive on the other end,
ana
--------
Posted
by ANA on May 18, 2000 at 20:56:24:
i have so many cool pix for an anagram and i new one will be up soon! i juust
went ona rampage in anarchy. and i started to try to get the anapix up. might
be up sometime later tonight but i'm so riled now i must go soak in the tub
fer a bit. and...stuff. jason went 2 the kiss concert, but i didn't go 'cause
i know i would have murdered every asshole in my sight and that wouldn't be
pretty. plus ted nugent was opening up and..i woulda lost it and it would
be like my worst nightmare everyone who has rolled down their windows and
hollared mean things at girls and homsexuals will be there. and...that..is
not. good. i can't stop talking in a southern accent now 'causa dat dialectizer.
help.