anagram 05.18.99

various things I wrote today in email and in anarchy:

hi :)
it's 7am. i woke up at 6:30am. sometimes i do that...get up really
early in the morning and watch all the people go to work, being
glad i'm not them. then after a few hours of watching the morning
light, i go back 2 sleep :)
i don't purposely get up now, it just happens.

bobby z, my manager, took my 4 track in 2 get fixed so i should
have that back soon. it's been broken since last summer.

I wrote this in response to people asking me to play live:

i just hate playing live. i played live for 15 years. that's enough for me. and ya, i just didn't dig it enough 2 do it for another 15.
i find it archaic and primitive, in a not good way.
i never liked playing live. there were about a handlful of shows that i could actually say it was a rewarding experience. but for the most part i found it incredibly draining.
i like 2 be in the studio. i love the recording process. to me, live just seemed like trying to do a rough sketch of the actual painting( which was the album).
it felt like having to conjure up the same old emotions over and over again, when i'd already expressed them once ( and once is good enough for me) on my record.
once i record the song, i don't see the point, for me, of rehashing it over and over again. i like to move on to making new songs, then recording them.
i love to communicate, but i don't like 2 do it with people in my physical space..which is why net is my perfect medium. i feel very happy here. creating from the comfort of my home.
i'll meet u all in cyberspace where we can all jam together from our homes in our pajamas.
no hauling gear. no cigarette smelling clothes when u come home ( for those non-smokers...like me ), no long drive home, no looking for a place 2 park, no dealing with people i don't wanna see, no dealing with drunken idiots ( besides myself :)

i never said that live was bad...live was just bad MOSTLY for ME :)
i still like to watch live shows, but on the whole i like 2 listen 2 records in private with the headphones on. that's when *I* have had the best times with music.
mostly all my favourite bands i've never seen live.
and i didn't mean that tribal or "primitive" was BAD...i meant that live for ME was primitive in a BAD way...there are a million ways that primitive is GOOD. i LOVE tribal and primitive things. LOVE it.
i think that electronic music can be VERY primal/tribal/primitive ( pick your adjective )
i'm just saying that *I* don't prefer 2 play live MOSTLY. that's all.
i am a very nervous person. i have dealt with anxiety all my life. that has played a major roll in why i don't like playing live. and also that i don't like rehashing the same old songs over and over. it feels to me like being in a play that gets played over and over. i don't like dredging up old emotions over and over again in order to make it *real*
i think that is one of the major "griefs" kurt cobain had. i think that's why a lot of musicians do drugs while on tour. it's a very abnormal way to be. it's not healthy for ME, and i think for a lot of other people. it's very hard and draining.
sure, it's really fun for everyone else who goes out 2 have fun for the weekend.
but for me, it wasn't just the weekend. i didn't get 2 go out and feel a release of energy for that night and then i get 2 let it go.
i had 2 keep that energy with me for years and years in order 2 keep up that same amount of energy for the next time i played.
it's not something i enjoyed. it was exhausting.
i am more the person who makes a movie. the cd is a movie. i make it once and i move on to a making a new movie. everyone else can then play that movie over and over for what ever reasons they want/need to wath it. for fun, entertainment or a release of energy.
i think so many people do not understand how abnormal and difficult it is for a lot of musicians when they play live a lot..because to the audience..it was FUN, it was one night...they were out on a date or out 2 release some energy for the week..they can't understand how it could ever be a BAD thing for anyone.
then people wonder why drugs are so commonplace within "the music industry"
because music, imo, is not an INDUSTRY.
i am not here to "pump it out" for everyone else's entertainment in a live situation. i am really glad and flattered that people liked to see me live. but please think of it from my perspective too.
i am not trying 2 be selfish or withhold something from "my fans"
it is just not a healthy thing for me.
try 2 understand that.
it has nothing 2 do with the genre of music i choose 2 create now. it has nothing to do with i'm trying to be an "unreachable star"
i'm just exhausted. it's not my thing.
i deserve some peace and quiet now. i've been through a lot. i need a break!
of course, i do not speak for all musicians. for some they would have it no other way but to play live. for some that is their life..and they CAN do that sort of lifestyle in a healthy way. and, for me, that is an inspiration.
but due 2 the fact that my music was my outlet for all my anger, fear, sadness.
it was not something i wanted to "channel" every night or even once a month.
it's like writing in a journal for me. i want 2 get it out then move on.

someone wrote:

Laurie Anderson
"The Net interests me primarily as a source. I would any day prefer live music
to downloading something from the Net. Any day. I hope people don't feel
that it becomes a substitute. It's the loneliness factor of computers. You
have the illusion that you're in touch with stuff, but in fact you're just getting
some files." -- Laurie Anderson, singer/performance artist
Mind you, I don't think Laurie could do what you do. The volume
of fans would be too high. And if you got to tour at her level you might
like it better also...

I wrote in reply:
interesting that she said that :)
i really disagree with her because i don't think that u can categorize EVERYTHING on the net as "just some files"
i do not see what i do here as as a lonely thing.
i do not feel one bit lonely :)
i feel very fulfilled by my shared communication with u all here.
to me, it is just as real as anything.
do u feel that this is an empty illusion?
i know some people think it is.
but i think u get out of it what u already had inside u in the first place.
ya, i might like touring if i could do it at her level. definitely. if i had actually had a guitar tech in al those days i had to tune the 12 string rickenbacker...i might have some better memories. most definitely.
if anyone wants 2 come up with the $$$ it would take me 2 tour in the way that would support my vision of what i would like 2 bring to a live situation...let yourselves be known!
'cause i certainly would give it some great thought if i could bring my vision into a live situation. i have a lot of great ideas about it.
but it's not cheap. :)
and not because i'm a prima donna!
hell, if only! :) hehe
as far as the rest of the day went…I was amazed at myself for finally getting out of the house and walking for over 2 hours! I found some more great "secret places, and I found a place 2 lay down on the ground where no one will bother me, I think. but the ground was soggy today. I found some nice round rocks on the ground and I picked some more dandelions. then jason and I brought in one of my camcorders to get fixed. the dogs pushed it over a few too many times. so only cam#2 ( the mobilecam on the laptop) will be shown in the bedroom for now. or maybe I'll move the other camcorder into the bedroom. ya, that's what I'll do. but I'll do it tomorrow. I feel pretty tired, so I'm gonna get this anagram up then hit the hay!