anagram 05.09.99

I went 2 my mom's for mother's day and jason went 2 his mom's. my mom just bought a new house kind of in the country and I hadn't seen it yet. it looks really boring from the outside, but inside it was truly amazing. everything was at interesting angles. huge windows, TONS of light. very peaceful. the nicest house my mom has ever owned! I can't wait until someday I can afford a house. what ideally like is to buy some land and jason and I would eac have our own house, connected by a skyway…because I really want 2 be able 2 decorate my house in any way I want without worrying if anyone likes it or not. I can see that that would be totally feasible. it would still be living together…it would just be doubly cool.
I've been reading neuromancer lately. I still don't read a ton at a time because I haven't gotten my brain back 2 being trained 2 think that way. but I'm really glad 2 be back doing some reading. thing is, always do it when I'm tired, so I read about 10 pages, then I fall aseep.
I'm also trying 2 pay attention 2 how it was written, so I can understand more how I would like 2 write. william gibson describes things in great detail.
so anyway, yesterday, at my mom's , she made a 23 pound turkey and stuffing and cranberries and all that, and it was so yummy. I tried 2 tell my mom about the web page that charity found on how 2 cook dog, but I don't think she was paying attention much. I put some anapix and campix on some floppies for her and tried 2 show her how 2 look at them, but she seemed kind of distant about it. but basically we got along better than we have in quite awhile. steve, her husband, was pretty distant from me but maybe he was just stressed or something.
and my mom and I talked about why I quit school and how I ended up with so many abusive boyfriends and blah blah. I keep telling her the reason why, but I don't think she really wants 2 know why. and I say the reason why is because my adopted brother was so abusive 2 the whole family and we had 2 stick with him no matter what and do the unconditional love thing..that I learned that I thought u had 2 stick by someone u loved no matter how awful they were.
but I told my mom I wasn't mad at her or anything about it. it was just the best she knew how 2 do at that time.
but I learned some very disturbing news about my brother that has me very worried. my brother is black and lives in a small white town, and he is on disability because he has fetal alcohol syndrome. well, I thought that because everyone knew my brother they had accepted him. I never saw anything really racist happen 2 him while I was ever around so I thought it was cool. (except for when we first got him we had to tell the town we lived in that his hair was NOT made out of WOOL and he did NOT like watermelon just because he was black!)
but I found out that there are some hell's angel's in his town that call him a nigger and try 2 run him over. I also found out that there are some kkk in that area who have burned crosses in people's lawns. and also people stare at him wherever he goes and think he is going 2 steal stuff. and the cops come knocking at his door when anything goes wrong in the town. like for instance, somebody stole some wood from somebody and the cops came knocking on my brother's door and he said "what would I want with wood? I don't have a fireplace! and I'm not building anything!" so my brother is really screwed up from all of this and has paranoia and most likely agoraphobia. god, I feel so fucking awful. I guess my mom found him a place 2 live in the city and had it all set up 4 him but my brother is too scared of change to leave this town. I mean, my brother hates 2 even leave his house..i can understand why! so I told my mom to still keep trying 2 persuade my brother to leave there, because now I really fear for his safety and his life. I don't keep in contact with my brother 'cause he was such a shit to me and we have nothing in common. but I guess he talks about me all the time and is pretty sorry for what he did. so perhaps I'll write him a letter of support.
I'm just an awful procrastinator at any communication that isn't computer related.
I'm thinking perhaps it'd be a cool thing for my brother 2 get a computer since it seems like the perfect social tool for people who really don't want people in their actual personal space ( like me) but still like 2 communicate.
so if ever I get some xtra $, I'm gonna get my brother a computer, I swear. then he can learn so much and go so many places and even get a support system going and maybe learn SOMETHING about his heritage, which he seems to care less about..which I guess I can understand. he has lived among poor to lower middle class white rural people all his life that he is one, but they still don't accept him as one of them. it's so tragic. and my brother DEARLY loves animals more than ANYTHING, but he is insanely allergic to things with fur. so he has fish, turtles and a couple gerbils.
I figure out a a bit ago that he's NOT stupid, because he has a wicked sense of humour that I didn't realize he had..and u can't be extremely funny unless your smart, imo 'cause it takes great perception to see behind stuff to joke about it.
I know that when he was little he was extremely clairvoyant. I would hold up a card for him to guess what it was, and he would get it right 100% of the time. NOBODY believes me, of course. I'd tell mom, and she just say that SOMEHOW he could see the card and was cheating but I KNOW he was not.
so imagine being THAT sensitive in a racist community and having learning disabilities on top of that.
fucking hell is what I call it. the poor guy.
he'll be 30 years old soon. that is so bizarre 2 me, 'cause I still see him as about 12 years old watching "dukes of hazzard"
ok, that's it 4 now…gonna try 2 get something done today maybe..dunno what though.
jason is at his first day of work. it's almost 3:30 now, I don't know when he gets home, but I'll be very interested 2 see how it went with him! the house feels strange without him here