anagram 05.04.99

today it was rainy in an almost today it was rainy in an almost summer way. now it's so humid. it's 2am and jason went 2 bed hours ago. I'm sort of watching roseanne's talk show. I like her. I'd like 2 b on her show someday or meet her. I'd like 2 explain why I like her, but I'm too tire and spaced out.
I've been having a lot of fun with filters today. and I took my cam with me when I went out today with jason 2 do errands. we had 2 go get the money from ana2 2 pay our bills. I use my friend zachary vex's merchant account # 2 be able 2 do credit cards because I don't have any credit 2 get my own #. zachary is the one who helped me start my cam. he has been my friend since I was 18 or so. maybe I have told u all of this before, I can't remember. but I recorded my 1st single in his living room. and I recorded "introducing sorrow" at his studio years later when he had a studio called "underground studios". he doesn't have it anymore. zachary put up the $ for me 2 start my cam when I told him I wanted one just because he is my friend. he is the one who paid all the bills 2 get it off the ground and keep it free for the first "round". we thought we'd be able 2 keep it free just by selling merchandise, but this didn't happen. so I decided that 2 keep it going I'd have 2 charge for the cam itself. anyway, no one really knows, but I'm paying him back all the $ he put into it, which is 17,000. so he gets 30% of the money ana2 makes, then after that gets paid off, he gets 20% for another year, then 10% for the next year, then he'll be done with it. so when everyone thinks I'm raking it in, they do not know the whole story behind my financial situation. plus they don't take into consideration that the credit card processors take another percentage, then taxes, then the cost of running the whole thing. plus I pay jason 2,000 a month 2 keep everything in order…processing the credit cards, dealing with all of the emails and questions, troubleshooting gliches, uploading everything I want up 2 the site, so much…
anyway, so I really hope this job comes through for jason…we'll maybe find out tomorrow what happened with his drug test. but even if that screws up, he has about 2 other jobs waiting in the wings. we are about 700 short right now of paying all the bills, but we have a week 2 come up with the money…before all the checks he wrote would bounce. so we are just balancing everything like trapese artists :)
thank god we are ok :) we certainly aren't starving or anything….i mean we still have cable tv and a spring water dispenser thing :) and if jason's job comes through, I'll be able 2 start saving money finally for things like a home studio and going 2 the dentist :)
ah, I turned off the tv now and it's nice 2 have some silence. just the computers humming.
it's so humid in here…the humidity brought all the smells in the carpet up again. I keep cleaning and cleaning. the dogs rarely go 2 the bathroom in the wrong place anymore, thank god. deiter is being pretty good except for if u leave him alone in a room he will tear everything apart that he can get his paws on.
when we were gone the other day we came home 2 see both of the dogs had escaped from the kitchen and deiter got a hold of this littlesilk pillow with lavandarand seeds inside of it that u can put on your eyes for a soothing thing. jason bought it for me for xmas when we first met, before we were going out. but we both had huge crushes on each other and when I went 2 my mom'sfor xmas I brought the gifts he had bought me with me so I could have comfort from them because they reminded me of him.
little did I know at that time that a year later a dog who wasn't even born yet would rip it 2 shreds in an apartment I now share with jason. the future brings so many twists and turns even in the smallest of ways. I never cease 2 be amazed and amused by how the future is so mysterious. time fascinates me, scares me, aggravates me. but I know it is justthe way 2 not have 2 deal with everything all at once, which I couldn't handle.
I forgot 2 mention in my last anagram that the other day this couple starting fighting outside of my window. this guy was screaming at the woman, pushing her up against a car. no one did anything. lots of people were around outside but no one said anything. so I screamed out my window "u better leave her the fuck alone or I'm calling the cops right fucking now!!!!" my adrenaline shot through my system eating up all my blood sugar and causing me 2 shake. I simply cannot even stand for one single second any more abuse like that around me whether 2 myself or anyone near me. I can identify too much with the woman being yelled at and abused. frightened, pushed up against a car in daylight in a crowded city. helpless. scared for my life.
so the guy stopped and put his arm around her in a very possessive way. like u see in the movies when a kidnapper puts a gun up 2 someone and puts his arm around his hostage and it looks like they are buddies.
he walks into a store with her. people around think everything is ok now, that she is fine and they made up. but I could se from her body language she was feelinglike a piece of garbage being tumbled by an ocean of hate. 10 or so minutes later they are back outside fighting. I said 2 jason "that's IT, I'm going out there". jason didn't want me too, he aid we should just call the cops and let them deal with it. so I told him 2 call the cops, but that I was going out there. I just took it way 2 personally. I wanted 2 face this asshole and show him that I had called the cops. that it wasn't just the big bad cops that were the ones stopping him, but it was me, the little funny looking girl with pink hair. I wanted 2 tell that woman that she doesn't need 2 take that sort of shit. I knew she wouldnot listen 2 me. I knew the odds were against me that my going down there 2 face them would have any impact on either of them. but just in case there was a 1%chance that something I could say would change their lives for the better in anyway..i wanted 2 do it.
but mostly I did it 4 me. I wanted 2 tell that woman like she was me that there was a better way. I wanted 2 tell that man that no one was going 2 let him get away with that sort of behaviour without serious consequences.
the woman was hysterical and totally humiliated and embarrassed. she could not hear me. she just kept saying " oh god, now he's going 2 kill me, now he's going 2 kill me…go away!"
and I said 2 her "yes, he IS going 2 kill u. u are RIGHT. GET AWAY FROM HIM. get a restraining order! he WILL kill u"
nothing registered. and I just glared at the man and pointed into his eyes with all conviction I said , " I SAW u. I SAW what u did. and don't u fucking TOUCH her EVER again."
I was just shaking. it's nothing compared 2 what she was going through. but I know of it. I know it well.
it makes me so sad and angry. I'm helpless 2 stop it. and she will probably die someday because of him.
it's gross.
ok, off that subject…
I know I'm forgetting lots more things 2 tell u , but I've got 2 get 2 bed. so I'll just put in the post I made in anarchy a few days ago about how I found the rabbit "jippy"that there is a scan of in the anagram previous 2 this one 'cause it's a good story. he is the post:

that rabbit i found when i was "picking" for ragstock. ragstock is a used clothing store. it is a chain now. ragstock didn't start out at a store, but started out as a place that bought bulk clothing from places like the salvation army at a penny a pound. it comes in big bales, like hay. then it is sorted by the type of fabric by people, then cut into rags. buttons are cut off shirts and saved. polyester clothing goes into a pile and re-baled and sold 2 companies who use it to make tile for your roof! no lie!
the ugly jeans were sold to africa because they want jeans there but don't know which kinds are "out of fashion".
japanese buyers would come over and pick out all the levis then sell them in japan at a big marked up price.
it's a strange business. a friend of mine named lorna doone ( named after the novel/movie/cookie) worked for ragstock sorting through the bales and said to the owner of ragstock that he could sell the good used clothing in a store. so she started up the first one.
there are so many stories within stories to tell just within that. what the owner is like( now senile) , how his evil son-in-law took over the business and how he had in accident while in africa accidentally killing a pregnant woman and almost becoming blind..then becoming an even more bitter man instead of more compassionate.
how lorna doone was one of the frst punks in minneapolis, named herself after the cookie, became a junkie, i lived with her for awhile, her hiv positive junkie botfriend stole my guitar, leather jacket and rent money, she was the one who introduced me 2 glitter, she left all her party decorations up for 20 years , crepe paper gathering dust....
anyway...i became a "picker" for my store...
going in once a week to the warehouse where the bales are sorted...the clothing/cloth goes down a conveyer belt and u have 2 quickly grab up anything that looks sellable. i was really good at it. u have 2 look very fast and tell what it is like by feeling it fast for one second.
i can't explain..but i can go through racks of clothing and tell what i want just by running my hands through the hangers of clothing.
i have dreams about this all the time.
i swar i have a special honing device built in me just for silk velvet, my favourite fabric ever.
it's like a liquid waterful cloth, 200 dollars a yard!
so..things were flying down the conveyer belt. and the rabbit goes by me and i SNATCHED it up and stuck it in my pocket :)
poor little thing! it is so exquisitely hand sewn that i can't imagine how anyone could EVER throw it away.
if i hadn't had eyes as quick as lightning the poor thing would be in a garbage heap now, just rotting away. it makes me so sad to think of all the fabulous stuffed animals who have died that way.
i wish i could meet the person who made it!
i think i will base the "ana-mals" i'm going 2 make on that rabbit, jippy is his name :)
i can never tell a story simply...so many stories are intertwined.
hard 2 say it went down a conveyer belt while i was picking for ragstock, because that would mean nothing 2 u unless i explained the process. :)
i really miss picking. except i don't miss working for minimum wage or the evil people i worked for who stressed me out, or getting 2 work at 7am on a bus.
everyone that worked in the factory picking and sorting was mostly black. the women would come in still looking like they were wearing pajamas, in their robes and slippers. and they'd all be eating pig's feet for breakfast or some sort of bizarre southern poor food. like squirrel or something. and they'd ask me if i wanted some. and i always felt nauseous in the morning, so there was no way i want a pickled pig snout for breakfast.
it was so fun 2 run around this big ware house that was blocks long and 50 feet high full of bales of clothing..looking around like a scavenger. i love being a scavenger..like on the beach looking for shells. that's when i feel i am the most "me" i could be. looking for treasure :)
the clothing would get thrown into these big yellow metal vats on wheels that were about 8 feet deep and ten feet wide. i'd have 2 climb up into them then jump ino them, like a giant tub, to sort through the vats of ties, or "silk", or scarves. i would sit in the tie vat for HOURS just sorting through all the gross polyester ties to find all the groovy ones from the 40's and 50's and 60's. my heart would just pound with excitement as i'd pull and tug on the little piecespokingthroughand i'd yank on them like pulling up carrots, seeing what it would would be!
my hand would dash through the scarf vat feeling for the silk and passing by the polyester.
i miss it so much. i was so good at it. it's so sad i can't work there anymore because this bitch from hell alcoholic biker chick is the manager of picking and sorting and she hates my guts just because i was light and she was dark.
she is a true sadist. i mean she REALLY got off on making me cry.
i think she had a thing on the side with the evil son-in-law. she probably beat him for money 'cause that's how she kept her job. they are two true dark soulsthat feed on others fear and unhappiness.
i still have all these safety pins pinned to this apron i would wear while picking. u could always tell who was a picker...'cause we'd all find safety pins on clothing while we sorted and we'd take them and pin them on ourselves. i don't know why. it was sort of like medallions to show how much u had picked :)
i felt like such a little punk alley cat jumping through the bales, collecting strange pins and coins and photos and trinkets that people had forgot about in their pockets as they threw their clothing away 2 the salvation army :)
lots of clothing from people who had died, u could tell because all of a sudden a big pocket of clothng from a particukar time era like 1945 would come sailing down the belt and it would be like hitting pure treasure.
little hints about who these people had been by what was found in pockets or how the clothes were folded or what they smelled like.
no one i know misses the smell of ragstock except me and lorna doone. this sweet musky moldy smell, like an old book smell. i love it so much.
i wish there was a job like that for me again, and that they would appreciate how much i loved it and not be mean to me.
*sigh*
i really could go on and on about so many stories...i wish i could just see into my head so i could show u what it feels like 2 be engulfed in a big metal vat of ties and u are slowly falling asleep in there and all the machinery is pumping around u, little trucks moving bales around, the big baling machine, ...
i was just telling jason yesterday about this great old black woman who always wore these slippers and a robe to work. she was in charge of knitted material, i think..and lots of stuffed animals would end up in her pile because of the nature of the material.
stuffed animals couldn't really be sold. 'cause no one much wants a used stuffed animal..so this lady would staple all the stuffed animals onto the wall next to her. and she had worked there for 20 years or something, right in that same spot. and the walls are like 50 feet high or something..so she would get the guys with ladders to staple the stuffed animals to the wall really high up. it was this gigantic wall of stuffed animals just COVERED in years and years of dust. i wish to god i had had the sense to photograph it.
that warehouse was torn down now years ago, when they relocated the warehouse.
it was such a spectacle. that lady was so cool :)
ok, that's all i'll write about that for now :)
ana

p.s. i forgot 2 say that i picked some dandelions today and that made me really happy 'cause i love them so much :)

and the lilacs are in bloom now, but i didn't get 2 smell them. i saw them from the car window. i love lilacs soooo much!