anagram 050303

[03 May 2003|12:13am]
god, i really hope i get this. i'm trying not to get my hopes up. yet also trying to keep positive as to not jinx it. then at the same time going, "what on earth am i getting myself into?". gah. i am so excited and so nervous. i wonder if i'll wake up tomorrow and think i am absolutely crazy for jumping straight into the fire like this.
but i guess that is how i have pretty much lived my life so far. i just jump in and hope for the best. and it always happens fast and furious.

i guess she is also looking for a guitarist. but i'd rather play bass. i've always enjoyed bass parts much more than guitar parts, even tho i've always played guitar.
if i get this job, i'm going to get one of those clear plexiglass basses. i want to be a cool ass girl bass player...like that cool bald headed bass player that plays for david bowie. that is what i aspire to , anyway :)

i totally qualify for this job in every way. i'm not trying to be arrogant, but i really am the person for this job. not just musically, but also psychologically. i don't know what courtney is like these days, but i feel i will be totally able to deal with her. i really do think i would get along with her quite well. i really do admire her greatly.
say what you want about her, but damn, she has guts and just has crashed down SO many doors for women in rock. she is truly one of a kind.

i'm very excited about the prospect of being able to be in a band but not be the focal point. this is EXACTLY what i want right now.
to be in a huge band so things are done WELL and professionally with MONEY, as they should be. no asshole executives pointing at me saying PROVE this and PROVE that.
i can just be the hard working cool as fuck bass player over in the sidelines taking it all in.
i would LOVE that.

i just hope that courtney wouldn't see me as a threat in anyway. if i am fortunate enough to meet with her face to face. IF i get that far, i know i can set that record straight.
BECAUSE i am a good leader, i also will make an excellent follower.
i know exactly what leaders need and i am very happy to provide them with something they can rely on and also surprise them and SUPPORT them.
i know my band did it for me. they were the best one could ever want.

what i do NOT want to do is have a band on my own that i am trying to make BIG. because that means playing in all those shitty bars with those shitty sound systems AGAIN. and i'm not going to go there again.

so it's the big time or NO time for me.

i do say i feel a tad but unfulfilled having never been to the MTV video music awards. call it shallow. call it whatever you want. everyone has their goals. be it be climbing mount everest or having a family. i just want to wear something fabulous to the mtv video music awards. is that to much to ask?

sure, i'll DEAL and be fine if this never happens for me.
but damn. if i can still be in the running for that, i sure am going to try.

this feels good. i hope i can keep up this energy level and INCREASE it.

i don't want to wake up tomorrow thinking i am making a huge mistake.
i really want this to work out.
i really really want this to be a GOOD thing.

i'm scared to write this outloud.
but that is what i do.

oh! and think of all the cool pictures i'll be able to take!
lots of neat things to take pictures of :) you know i'll be bringing my camera :)

i'm going to feel REALLY stupid if they don't call me back for an audition.
but i guess i have to know that they may have even found their people already.

i'm not going to be able to get this box to them until tuesday...since it's the weekend now.

but even if they think they have found their people. they haven't. because *I* am the bass player. yes, it's true. it's ME. i am the perfect one. not because i play bass the best, but because of what kind of person i am.
not to say i can't play bass. i can TOTALLY play bass. for the kind of music courtney plays, i am more than adequate. PLUS i play guitar. PLUS i sing ( and sing like no ones business, mind you ), PLUS i look good, PLUS i psychologically prepared in ways other people are not having been through much of that before. PLUS i am kind and good with NO DRAMA and no weirdness. no headtrips and weirdass ego trip...which is HARD to find in the music biz believe you me! if courtney can SEE this...then...that will kick ass :)

but if it's meant to be it's meant to be. and if it's not it's not.

oh, and i called up my manager, bobby z. and he is going to get in touch with courtney's manager. i don't even think bobby z is legally my manager anymore. but if this thing works out, i'm sure he will be soon. i love my little bobby z man. he is the shiznit :)

i'm a lucky girl, yes i am :)

oh, and u know that if i get this audition, i hope to GOD sonia5 is in town to help rock-star my hair! gahhh! i need you sonia5!

oh, and if i get this job, you KNOW i am going to get ms. love into crocheting. :)

[03 May 2003|01:24am]
i just received some sad news about my brother. he started drinking again and so his health is terrible and he had heart problems so he had to be helicoptered in to intensive care. my dad is with him now.

the thing is, he is the only black person in an all white small redneck town. it's been that way all his life. and all the prejudiced shit has really eaten away his self esteem. plus he has a lot of disabilities as it is.

the other day some assholes called him nigger and so my brother ran after them with a baseball bat. and now , because of that, he is getting kicked out of his apartment. and so that started the downward spiral for him again.

it's so not fair.
it is so sad.

i could go on and on about this forever...but i don't have the energy to right now.
it's just so fuct up. i'm so scared for my brother :(

[03 May 2003|02:09pm]
stomache all gurgly today. way nervous.
a cross between "what the fuck am i doing?"
and "hell yaaaaa!"

and i got my period.

mixed with emotions about my brother...my mom...my dad....
i'm so far away from my family, emotionally.
not all my fault.
estranged from my mom.
estranged from my brother.
i get along with my dad but he keeps his distance, too, in his way.
so much going on and each of us in our separate worlds.
each of us going through our separate little hells, in a way.
too much to write out.

then the courtney thing...
wondering if i get this how long will i be away from home?
who can i get to take care of my doggies?
if i go on tour...is there a possibility jason could go with?
hoping things like that all work out somehow.

i forgot i had a biography book on her by poppy z. brite.
i don't know how accurate it is, but i'm reading it now.
can't hurt.

i just have to take one day at a time and not get ahead of myself.

it's warm out, weather.com says, but the wind is howling and i'm freeeezing in my apartment.

i'm going to stay positive.
i'm going to stay positive.
i'm going to stay positive!

i'll put some music on and eat a burrito

rant. [03 May 2003|03:13pm]
where am i going ont the internet that all this stupid adware keeps getting into my system everyday? GAH! grrrrrr.
weather.com?
zap2it.com tv listings?
what? where? how?
the people who make things that like that get into your computer and make pop ups pop up at you out of nowhere are just EVIL and should be taken out and shot.
i have had ones that actually changed my browser and added ads right there in the browser itself. someday this stuff has to get ILLEGAL.
time is wasted every day by me running that lavasoft programme to get rid of all this evil adware on my computer!

and how on earth is it legal to send anyone spam with huge pictures of women with massive cocks stuffed in their mouths and cum all over their face with titles like "SLUTS and BITCHES GETTING SLAMMED WIDE"? how is this even ok in the SLIGHTEST?
i do not like shit forced upon me like that. i'm sure some people do. and FINE for them.
i am not anti porn...but i don't like ALL porn and some porn i find highly offensive ESPECIALLY when it is being forced upon me through weird ass pop up spam bullshit.
SOME porn i find almost equals to pictures of african americans getting lynched.
if someone was spamming african americans with shit like "NIGGERS GETTING SLAMMED WIDE OPEN" you know there would be hell to pay.

but it's all fine and good to call women derogatory names and subjected to acts of sexual violence all in the name of MARKETING and whatever.

i understand that women themselves can call themselves a slut or a bitch and it is NOT derogatory, but actually a term of empowerment. just in the same way that african americans calling themselves niggahs is not a slam...but if a kkk member calls them that it IS.
i do NOT feel that most of these porn ads when they call women sluts, bitches, hos..etc...they are doing in in such a way that it empowers women in anyway whatsoever. just to be clear.

fuck that.

sure sure sure...all parties were consensual and that is the BIG difference. i understand. i GET it. and whatever floats your boat. FINE.
i like kinky whacked out stuff , too. but they did not get MY consent ot force it on me.

i don't want it forced into my face and i don't want to be using my time and energy and money getting rid of this shit when i do NOT want it and *I* did not consent to see it/be part of it!

i just don't want or need to see some bitch slut ho getting split wide open and LOVING it on MY fucking time and money.
and that goes for all the other stupid ads as well.

why is it that people can climb out of the woodwork to attack what i do and i'm not even GOING to them, they are coming to ME...

but i don't see anyone raising a stink about crap that pops up in your mailbox right at you without your consent?

it makes no sense.

if i ever meet a person who makes spam for a living, i am going to personally gouge their eyeballs out and feed them to dogs.

anapix community! [03 May 2003|06:06pm]

ok, i started another new community!
people still send me cool manipulations of my images , once in awhile, and also other artistic things having to do with anacam.
so...
i thought i'd make a place for people to post these things again :)

anapix

join and have fun!