april 23rd, 2003
    
     
     

10:25pm

i wrote my mom a 6 page letter containing in it only this over and over
LEAVE ME ALONE. STOP EMAILING ME.

and she writes back:
"I have known you since before you were born . I know you so well you don't have to explain anything to me. I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. I will always be here if you need anything."

is this beyond psycho or what?
ya, mom you can STOP EMAILING ME.
you manipulative psycho freak bitch.

some of you may think that is a nice reply. but believe me. it contains nothing but manipulation. i mean, FIRST off, i told her to stop emailing me. and she emails me back.

but that's what she likes to do. pretends to be all nice and manipulates that way so if you get mad... there is nothing in the words you can get mad at. so YOU look insane.
man, she has it down to a science.

and that is just nothing, you have to see it all in its proper context.
you'd have to read the emails i wrote her begging her to stop emailing me
and begging her to stop doing what she is doing. the things that hurt me.
but she doesn't stop. so this "i'll be here if you need anything" is a bunch of bullshit.
"sorry your having a hard time", MY ASS.
if you were sorry you'd stop hurting me!
and this "i've known you since before you were born"
to try to make herself the all powerful all knowing see all mother.
BULLSHIT. to make me the embryo in her mind.
mind fucking powertrip. POWERTRIP!!!

"i know you so well you don't have to explain anything to me" huh? oh sure, THAT is apparent *dripping sarcasm*. the all seeing all knowing mother...umbilical cord still wrapped around my neck like a noose...or a collar for a fancy pet.


what a fucking load of mindfuck bullshit!
she puts a whole new meaning into the word MOTHERFUCKER.

man, she has it down to a science.
she has got it DOWN.

last night she wrote me 4 emails saying *I* was crazy and narcissistic.

she is sick.
sick.
sick.
sick.

1:53pm

i need to get outside. it's 66 degrees.

2:00am

i am in so much pain about my mom.
my heart is being suffocated by her, it feels like it could break and die.
her level of noncompassion, selfishness, manipulation is evil.
she keeps emailing me even when i BEG her to stop.
she has only once, for a brief moment, ever acknowkedged that she causes me pain.
and then it was back to the business as usual of denying i am in pain.
she calls me crazy and says i make it up.
everything is always about HER and HER pain.
never about mine.
and her pain is caused by me not wanting to see her.
she thinks i am so selfish because of this and lays in the guilt trip.
she thinks i should just put up with whatever she dishes out because she is the mother.
like that gives her the right to abuse me endlessly.
i can't believe she treats me with such disrespect.
if i were a mother i could never imagine treating my daughter this way.
she is a selfish soul sucking piece of shit.
she is insane.
i have to figure out a way to get her to leave me alone.
i have to do some major banishment ritual or something.
she is the reason i was reading that psychic defense book.

i know she is sending me bad energy.
because she is the mom she and i do have that undeniable bond.
and so she can attack me like no one else can.
she can hurt me like no other.

i have to break that bond.
i have to break all links to her.

i know i am sending her bad energy, too because i just have so much hatred and anger towards her right now.
and i know that hatred and anger keeps me linked to her
and keeps me in the loop of being hurt.

i have to forgive her and let her go
and break all links.

i have to delete her emails the second they come in.

i have to find the willpower and the fortitude to do this.

 

1:27am

i finished reading the psychic self defense book. which, shockingly, is the first book i've managed to finish since i discovered the internet! it certainly gave me a lot to think about. now on to the astral dynamics book....