anagram041902

click here to see the pooka drawing contest

:) [14 Apr 2002|01:11pm]
happy 6th birthday to jennicam!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAELA! [14 Apr 2002|04:19pm]
and today is kaela's birthday !!!! it's birthdays all over! :)

7.5 mg of buspirone twice a day ( for anxiety)
20 mg of paxil a day ( for anxiety )
25 mg of sinequan ( doxepin ) per day ( for anxiety )

these meds are making me feel a lot more even and stable.

and i've called a yoga instructor who makes house calls but so fra we are playing phone tag.

that's the scoop thus far!

i gotta go get ready now to go on my mile walk to the meeting. please send me protective vibes! :)

the AA meeting [15 Apr 2002|02:23pm]
well, it was exactly how i thought it would be. in a small room with flourescent lighting and crappy coffee in styrofoam cups. everyone went in a circle and said " hi, i'm " " and i'm an alcoholic" and then they would say how they were doing re: alcohol, etc. everyone had the steps totally down and this lingo. i was 1/2 an hour late because i was told the incorrect time to get there. they meet M-F at this time and it takes me 20 minutes to walk there. so the excercise will be perfect and i'll get free coffee. woo hoo :)
most people talked about some step where you make a list of the people you have harmed and then you make amends to them. most people seemed stuck on that and didn't want to make amends. and most people said their lists of people to make amends to were super long. i'm glad that my list has only one person on it....jason.

i actually talked at the meeting, which surprised me, because i thought i wouldn't talk...but i talked at the very end of the meeting and i didn't know it was at the end...so after the end of one of my sentences everyone thought i was done talking or something and everyone stood up abruptly and held hands in a circle and i was thinking what on earth did i say? are they gonna pray over me now or something? but they held hands and said the lord's prayer and they said i didn't have to participate if i didn't want to. but i did hold hands in their circle because there's no harm in that. having grown up a preacher's kid i'm totally used to it and it doesn't seem foreign to me.

about 3/4ths of the people were men...looked like working class. one woman that looked like a mom, one woman that looked like she belonged in some weird cult...all wrapped up in cloth from head to toe. it was all white except two black guys and one of the black guys it was his first time like it was for me.

i asked them why they thought alcoholism was a disease but didn't really get an answer except to just keep coming to meetings and i'll find out.

one woman who was obviously in serious trouble and looked like a complete abused woman who said she was drinking and couldn't stop glommed onto me like i would be her saving angel. i felt bad for her and wanted to scoop her up and bring her home and tie her to a pole so she wouldn't drink...but i know i can't do that. so i weasled my way out of that situation. some guy handed me a list of phone numbers i could call if ever i needed to talk. they were really pushing that "sponsor" thing.

my crazy hair made a big impression and two people couldn't stop staring at me. weirdly, this did not bother me....i think my medication is helping me not weird out and be able to deal with people. some guy asked me if i was in babes in toyland, which was pretty funny :)

it's all of a sudden summer outside. 80 something degrees and pretty humid. where is SPRING?

i have a lot of stuff in my house to clean so i'm going to focus on that today and i've got all my vinyl records out and i'm playing Ultravox and The Vapours :)

i guess i'll keep on going to the meetings since they are relatively harmless to me and they give me a reason to get outside and walk, which is very important to me.

more movies i rented:

olivier, olivier
42 up
mulhulland dr.
requiem for a dream ( i've seen that one already in the theatre when it came out but i want to see it again )

[15 Apr 2002|03:28pm]
i kinda feel like cutting my hair into a mohawk and dying it pink for the summer.
i've always wanted a pink mohawk but never had one.
it's 90 degrees in my house right now with 50% humidity...and i am very uncomfortable!
i'm trying to clean a bit...but it's hard to keep moving in this heat.
jason will be home around 7pm and then we're gonna take the wookets to the park and then watch a movie perhaps.

ah, thank god i fixed my wide angle lense :)

[15 Apr 2002|06:14pm]
it's 95 degrees in my house now. and that sucks. i took a small bath with some nummy soap that craig got me from lushcanada.com called tiptoe thru the tulips and it is SUCH a yummy bar of soap :)
jason's school got cancelled today so he's home and soon we are going to take the scooter out for the first time since last fall and we're going to go to dairy queen and get a blizzard :)
one of my dreads fell off from the side of my head the other day..taking my real hair with it , so now i have a baldish patch on one side of my head. augh. that's one of the reasons i'm thinking of going with a mohawk for the summer. sebastian needs a haircut, too.
i'm listening to sting's record " i dream of blue turtles"

i almost have the hallway clear finally so that i can get a new fridge. it will be so nice to have a fridge again and drink COLD beverages and be able to buy food that is not in a can. i want popsicles and vegetables and FRUIT!

i'm soooooo hungry. i hope jason comes over soon. i'm dying from heat and hunger

[15 Apr 2002|08:33pm]
i had a yummy salad and now i'm going to watch 42 up. jason is over reading.
the pupsters are chewing things. all is well :)

groovy :) [15 Apr 2002|11:03pm]
http://www.boneroom.com/

i'll have a Human Vertebral Column please! :) or just one Human Vertebrate for $6.00

[15 Apr 2002|11:58pm]
thank u katt for my yummy bath things and candles! you always send me the sweetest coolest gifts :)) {{{{{{smooch}}}}}}} :)

i wonder if my mom will get me anything for my birthday. my gut feeling is no, she won't. and i hope she doesn't! i wonder how she is doing and what she is feeling.

haven't talked to my dad lately. he sent me an easter card. i don't think he is reading my journal anymore or he would have said something about my drinking i would THINK. but who knows with him.

i talked to annie sprinkle on the phone the other day about perhaps attending one of her seminars. i was tickled pink to hear her sweet voice :) what a treasure she is to this planet! i can die happy now that i just got to say HI to her :) i told her that i loved the dildo she made and she was so happy to get some feedback about it. i swoon over her. i wish she was my mom :) *meow*

i'm getting ready for bed now. it's still pretty hot in here. i have the windows open. i'm going to watch the x files in bed ( i taped it )

tomorrow i go to my 2nd AA meeting. so i have to set my alarm for 10:30am
i'm gonna take my polaroid cameras along with me and take cool pix on my walk home.

it's amazing how when one decides not to drink anymore...EVERYTHING is alcohol related that one sees...on tv...in ads...everything everything alcohol!

btw, i want to sell my takarov 9mm semiautomatic because my 38 special is easier for me to use. what is the legal way to sell such a thing? altho...it would be hard to part with it since it was my 1st gun and therefore has special symbolic preciousness to me.

btw, there are 2 of my cds for sale on ebay right now , if anyone is interested. i'm not selling them, someone else is

[16 Apr 2002|11:28am]
ok...off i go...see u in a bit :)

today at 1pm i have a meeting with a treatment center. glarb.

i'm so confused by my behaviour. i'm so nervous

i have to just pick myself up and keep on going. i'm going to do it. i am. i guess it's just gonna take a bit longer than i thought...or something...

and tomorrow is my birthday

i got a new fridge, and i found my bear hat

[17 Apr 2002|04:21pm]
well, i'm flabberghasted. i do not meet the counties requirements for treatment so they told me to just keep on going to the AA meetings and that this would help me eventually.

i told them everything and i had my friend amy with me, too, who knows everything about me and my drinking and she talked to them in private also.

i do not meet the requirements because:

1) i don't drive or have my license so i don't drive drunk
2) i have never lost a job because of my drinking
3) my drinking does not effect my performance at my job ( my art )
4) i'm not putting anyone else at danger ( i don't have kids, etc )

so...i guess putting MYSELF at danger is just not enough of a requirement.

i am just going to meditate daily, excercise and/or stretch daily, eat healthy as much as possible and pray to the universe for divine intervention and/or the strength to win over this. and i also need to not beat myself up over this, which i totally am doing viciously.

i know i will win in the end, of this i have no doubt. however...i don't know if jason will make it to the finish line with me, and i understand why.

torture. but i can do only what i can do. all i can do is do my very best and give it my all. come what may.

[17 Apr 2002|08:07pm]
one day at a time...

[17 Apr 2002|08:43pm]
i don't know if i feel like sitting in a cake for my birthday tomorrow now. i might. i might not. i'll have to see how i feel tomorrow.
jason works and then goes to school tomorrow and then has another obligation after that, so we are going to celebrate my birthday on friday instead.
i want to do SOMETHING for my birthday tomorrow, tho...but i do not know yet what. i will make it up as i go along.

does anyone know when they will be replaying yesterday's episode of the osbourne's?

i had the most amazing sandwhich today with kiitos! it was grilled salmon with red onions and spinach leaves and a black olive puree on toasted whole wheat bread. it was pure heaven! kiitos had one, too. we got them at WA FROST. if you live in the twin cities...GO THERE! wow, best sandwhich i EVER had :) i want another one right now!

praying and reiki [17 Apr 2002|09:09pm]
if anyone has any links to long distance reiki healing sites and also links to places that will pray for you...please post them here. i want to make a page for them so that everyone will have access to these places always.

[17 Apr 2002|10:50pm]

and it's great to have a refridgerator again :)

and for my birthday i am going to give out 36 FREE 1 day passes into ana2.com
to the first 36 people who do these 3 things:

1) draw me a picture of pooka wearing a crown and then send that picture to me in jpeg format.
2) find a picture of a cartoon owl on the internet and send that picture to me
3) tell me a secret that you've never told anyone ( confidentiality guaranteed, i won't tell a soul! )

email me these 3 things to me at : ana101@hotmail.com

------------
addendum: ...i need to point out that a lot of you are doing it all wrong. you must send me each of those THREE items i have listed.

you cannot just send me a picture of an owl and that's it.
you cannot send me a photograph of pooka and then only hand draw the crown on him...the whole thing must be handdrawn and in JPEG format.( and pooka is one of my dogs for those that do not know this. you'll have to do some research to find out which of my dogs in named pooka. you cannot send me sebastian in a crown :)
you cannot send me a drawing of pooka with a crown that someone ELSE has drawn, you must draw it yourself.

:) ok?

10 people have done it correctly so far...so there are still 26 free passes to win :)

addendum re: the contest [18 Apr 2002|09:15am]
regarding the contest that is explained in my entry previous to this one:

i need to point out that a lot of you are doing it all wrong. you must send me each of those THREE items i have listed. :)

you cannot just send me a picture of an owl and that's it.
you cannot send me a photograph of pooka and then only hand draw the crown on him...the whole thing must be handdrawn and in JPEG format.( and pooka is one of my dogs for those that do not know this. you'll have to do some research to find out which of my dogs in named pooka. you cannot send me sebastian in a crown :)
you cannot send me a drawing of pooka with a crown that someone ELSE has drawn, you must draw it yourself.

:) ok?

25 people have done it correctly so far...so there are still 11 free passes to win :)

and lordy! some of you are sending me some real whopping good secrets! wow! :)

-----------------------------------
i woke up for a sec and ate an entire pint of haagen daas chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream! now i'm going back to sleep! ahhh :)

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY WISHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [18 Apr 2002|01:23pm]
there are american indians doing a dance right outside my window. i'll take that as a good birthday omen :) it's 82 degrees out there and there's perhaps going to be a thunderstorm later! :)
tomorrow they predict a high of 43 degrees. strange.
jason drove all the way home during his lunch hour to hug me a say happy birthday to me and tell me how much he loves me :) that just makes my whole birthday :) i love him soooooooo much :)
i don't think i'll go outside. i need to watch these movies that are due back today or tomorrow

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY WISHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{EVERYONE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

[18 Apr 2002|02:00pm]
woa...my dad sent me a $100 bill through the mail! i'm glad it made it to me! risky! yay for $100 bill :) haven't seen one of those in AGES :)
my mom sent me a card and a cheque for $36....but i'm not going to cash it.
inside the card she wrote " the day you were born was the happiest day of my life"
it's just too bad that all the other days to do with me were apparently NOT very happy for her. i miss her. i wish i could talk to her without us yelling or crying.
i don't want to think about this on my birthday...but it's impossible not to think of my mom on my birthday , as i wouldn't be here without her.
36 years ago...she popped me out 2 hours and 4 minutes ago...

contest over [18 Apr 2002|03:04pm]
the winners will be contacted soon :)

mulholland dr. [18 Apr 2002|10:09pm]
ok, for those who have not seen this david lynch film, do not read this post.
for those who have...what do YOU think it was about??

[19 Apr 2002|02:57pm]
i see my psychiatrist today. i wish i didn't have to. but i have to see him so he'll refill my prescriptions and stuff. i am so not in the mood to leave the house today and i'm so sick of talking about my problems to anyone. overload.
kiitos is giving me a ride. bless her sweet kind soul! it will save my 50 bucks in cab fare. and i always love to see her because she cheers me up just by her mere presence :)
when i get home, jason is gonna bake me a birthday cake :) his famous jello cake :) then we are just gonna snuggle and watch olvier, olivier

i should go get ready to leave now...take a little bath and stuff. i'm listening to sting

[19 Apr 2002|06:42pm]
i'm going out to a birthday dinner with jason now since we didn't get to do that yesterday. i've put on 5 pounds since i've been on my new medications and i do not like that AT ALL :(
so...after i've had my dinner and my birthday cake...i'm going back on the atkin's diet for a bit.
i took the wooket with my when i went to see my shrink , so he had a nice little adventure today :)

[19 Apr 2002|08:07pm]
tomorrow i'm going to see laurie anderson with fetik3, kiitos and eebomb :)