anagram 04.18.99

I thought I'd have lots of cool pix from my 33rd birthday today. but I don't! I was mostly gone, so here are some others I had laying around. actually 3 of these pictures are from today, but the rest from maybe yesterday or the day before? I've been liking adding captions afterwards to some of the pictures. I think it gives more meaning to them. 'cause like when I see the picture of me laying with the stuffed creature named "bing", I have all the memories of saving him from the salvation army for ten cents. I bought about 20 stuffed animals that day and gave them a good wash then gave them away to people. I have this weird thing with stuffed animals..i think they are actually alive. I'm finally getting to the point where I can actually give them away and not feel scared for them that they will possibly have a bad life without me looking after them, because I feel that no one really loves stuffed animals and thinks their alive, like I do. and perhaps that's a blessing for them. it is one of my eccentricities. I used to even judge whether someone would be a good friend by the way they treated my stuffed animals when they came over to my house. like, if the person just sat on them, I would take that as a bad sign that they were not sensitive people. or if they would carelessly toss them away, and the animal would land on it's face, and that person didn't understand that the stuffed animal wouldn't be able to breathe well in that position and move it to where it would be comfortable, I would also take that as a good clue that they would not be a very good friend. but I'm getting better at just letting that go..by pretending that the stuffed animals have magical powers to breathe in any position and that they don't really mind..they are just happy to "be". I know that sounds completely crazy, but I don't care. I used to cover all my stuffed animals with kleenexes and scarves at night, to keep them warm as they slept. actually, I get really edgy if any sort of "inanimate" object looks uncomfortable 2 me.
I really feel that all objects have feeling, but you can really drive yourself mad if u allow yourself to think that way all the time and worry about making everything comfortable. sometimes I think that's why I have so much "stuff" because the stuff just magnetizes itself to me, because it knows I will truly appreciate it's every nuance of beauty. I do not own things, I am merely their caretaker. and so, lots of things come to me to be taken care of, I think. it's drastically hard for me to give anything away unless I find the absolute perfect person who will care for it and appreciate it as much as I do. but even then, I've been so much trying to learn that I can't possibly take care of EVERY misfit toy at the expense of me being able to be a bit more mobile around my house. I don't want to horde anything, I don't forget about the stuff in boxes.
I just wish I could find someone who would appreciate as much as I do and freak out when they see it, like I did and just love it so much. then I could get rid of all my things. but I never run into the person who feels the same way I do about it. people usually just go, "well, that's kind of cute and kitchy", or "that would be fun for my kids to wear for halloween" or something. god, it used to drive me seriously MAD when I worked at ragstock, this used clothing store, and our busiest time would be around halloween. EVERYONE and their mother would come in expecting to find a rack of poodle skirts from the 50's for a buck. ya, right. if every I had actually run into one of those when I worked their, I certainly would have nabbed it and saved it from the clutches of the unworthy who would just wear it 'cause it was so silly and fun. I mean, the clothes from the 20's, 30's and 40's are works of ART to me. irreplacable works of art with a history etched into it's very fabric. the old wedding dress, who had worn it? did their marriage last? did they cry or were they happy? what was the story behind every piece of clothing? was it worn by a person who witnessed a murder? perhaps they had killed when wearing that velvet dress, perhaps they had written a novel while wearing that suitcoat…maybe they paused at a bridge in that ruffled shirt..wondering what the future would bring for them. maybe they hated that shirt. maybe it meant nothing to them. but besides the fact that their was perhaps a fascinating history behind each article of clothing, just the design and craftmanship was incredible, absolutely amazing to me. I want so much to find patterns from clothes from that era. maybe there are even patterns online, I don't know. someday I'm going to start sewing amazing clothes. I have so much in my mind. only 1% makes it into this physical world. I would definitely love to be a fashion designer, but the things I would make would be so weird, I think I'm the only one who would wear them. I have yards and yards of vintage fabric and boxes and boxes of buttons. I just need to getting a sewing mannequin made for me…I need to make a cast of my entire body so I can make things form fit to me. so many things , I wish I could just "manifest" them in a blink of an eye. I have to get back to writing my journals. I have to stat sewing stuffed animals and clothing for me..what's in my head. I have to paint, I want to know html and c++ and java and shockwave. I want to create virtual worlds where we can all meet and run around. wouldn't it be cool if I could have a virtual apartment where we could hang out? u could walk up to my books , take them off the shelves and sit down and read them? I want the money to take classes to learn all of this stuff SO much

oh, so back to my birthday…
the best part was jason woke me up with a plate of scrambled eggs, and he was nude :) when we first moved into this apartment I asked him if he would make me scrambled eggs in the nude, so he finally did it today for my birthday! it was so sweeeeeeeet. :) the eggs were yummy with melted cheese and after I ate them we spooned in the blankets and then I fell asleep again :)
then after I woke up, we went to see the movie "the matrix" which I just LOVED and I want to see it again, I thought it had a hokey ending though. I recommend seeing it, especially for the INCREDIBLE special effects!
and for my birthday jason got me a james cd where they had collaborated with brian eno, and also I got this book about how everything works on the internet and computers. like how does real audio work? how do cookies work? how does telnet work, etc. and it's cool 'cause it has PICTURES and DIAGRAMS, and that makes it easier for me to comprehend. :)
after the movie we went and ate at one of my fave restaurants and I had sezchaun garlic chicken and for desert I had ginger ice cream. ohmigod it was SO yummy! :)
I never did get a cake, but that's ok, I can get one a different time and just celebrate everyday!

well, jason is putting the dogs in the kitchen so we can go 2 sleep. I'm gonna go into the bedroom with him :)
jason is looking for a job right now. he has a few leads. we just need more money so we can actually SAVE for things we really want to grow as artists..like we'd like a piano and a studio just two name a few things.
and if he gets a job it will take a ton of stress off of both of us wondering if everyone will just unsubscribe someday. it's too stressful to wonder each month if you'll get enough to pay all the bills. but I really hop he gets a very creative job and not a boring tech job like he had before, because that job was completely sucking the life out of him. I will be sad too, because then I will not see him as much and he will be so tired, he'll probably fall asleep at 9, like he used to do when he had a job. so I have 2 learn html as quickly as I can so I can take over stuff like anapix, analogs, anagrams, arcana, etc etc etc.
but what I really want to do is just sew stuffed ana-mals to sell in anamart and type out my journals. if I can just do those things..plus my cam and anagrams and all that..that is enough for me! I wish I could clone myself then hub us all together with a collective mind so we could get all the art projects I want to get done, done but we all would know what each other was thinking and working on…'cause that would be fun. but then all of our brains would probably explode.
I am both sad and happy that I am the type of artist that likes to putz about and lounge about a lot. I don't have it in me to be like 0(-> or something. he rarely ever sleeps. all he does is create 24/7. I know this because bobby told me. that guy is driven out of his mind like he is connected to some sort of universal light force that acts like speed in his body and mind or something. he exhausts everyone around him. he gets a lot of creative stuff done, he is so prolific….but I wonder if he is really happy or does he just create so much because he is trying to hide from life. but how could I possibly know? I don't. it just APPEARS to me that people who are that driven, I guess you'd call them workoholics, are not happy. I am NOT a workoholic at ALL. and sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm just lazy, or I just haven't tapped into the universal life force socket of infinite energy. I really have the potential to do a trillion things, if only I were a workoholic.
I think that ideas are living energies/entities. and they sort of float around out there, and depending on your vibration, that will determine what sorts of "ideas" magnetize to u. like if u are really LOVE chemistry, and I mean LOVE it as in REAL LOVE, ideas about chemistry will come 2 u….and that's what happens when you're in "the zone" , so to speak. that special place when ideas come flowing through so strongly that it feels effortless and full of grace. it feels like are "clicking" , things magickally fall into place, it seems like you practically channeling an energy so pure direct from that particular "idead grid".
and I think that those thoughts can integrate into a person's mind and body if they want it. they digest it like a pure food made of love, then it is evaulated and manifested by u, and your "filters" then make that physical idea "yours" because they way u filtered that idea is uniquely yours. that idea can be free to flow through another person, who will take it and decipher it's energy in yet a different way. so many ideas are similar but each person makes it his or her own.
I believe that the second u make an idea, it flows out of u into the universal energy. it's free as it's own entity to choose it's own life and magnetize to another person who will also do something with "your" idea you've just thought of, but they'll manifest it in their own personal way.
and if u don't do the idea that u thought of, if your idea magnetizes to another person who may or may not do something with it.
I mean, have u ever had an idea so obscure and unique that u are positive no one would have thought of it or did it? but then sometime in the future "bammo" u see your idea created?
this happens to me SO MUCH, it's wild.
I remember when I first met tori amos and I asked her if she liked kate bush ( which was such an obvious stupid question), but she said yes….and I told her it was just SO freaky that she just SEEMED like kate bush..like she WAS her. and she said to me that some people just tap into the same energies. it's right there to tap into. and that made so much sense to me. it's almost like she took lots of the energy kate bush DIDN'T use, and she just channeled it instead. do u know what I mean, or am I losing u?
I have so many examples of ideas I've had that I THOUGHT I thought of first , but maybe I didn't, that later were manifested by others, because I did not have the money to see it through.
the best and most intricate example was when I was trying to describe to bobby what I wanted my last album cover to look like, I said I wanted to have very long fake nails, my hair in buns on the side of my head like headphones, I wanted mirrored contacts, I wanted to be wearing a kimono and I wanted it to look very futuristic. I even drew him a picture. well then 6 months later or so, bjork came out with that EXACT cover…granted she did it in HER way, and not EXACTLY mine..but sooooooo close that it was completely freaky. and it freaked my manager, bobby z, too.now he gets what I say when I say I had this great idea but then someone else did it 'cause I wasn't fast enough or able to manifest it at that time.
it used 2 aggravate the crap out of me, but now I guess I'm happy that the ideas are manifested at all, because it's too cool NOT to manifest. but who knows, maybe bjork thought of it and then I just "picked up" on it through the universal energy grid thing.
I know I sound completely out of my mind 2 some of u, but that's ok with me. I know what "know" is real. I just know it.
so sometimes I just think of myself as an idea factory. I think up cool ideas and they are released for others to play with. and vice versa. so maybe all the paintings in my head are getting painted right now by someone else, and all the stories and clothing.
oh ya, off the subject sort of..i want to learn how to make my own paper and bind books and stuff. I wanna learn the art of bookmaking. there is a school in the twin cities that teaches that, and I want the $ to take those classes and learn that!
I had this incredible dream once that I was walking around a huge clothing store, like in a mall. everything was closed down for the night…and I ran into the most bizarre organic deconstructivist clothing I'd ever seen! I did not forget the details, then about a month later I saw the exact clothing I had dreamt about on a fashion show on tv. some japanese designer had made them . I was so floored. who can say who thought of it first? maybe there is just this little old lady somewhere in a small apartment who thinks up ALL the ideas..and we are getting ALL of "our" ideas from her!
who can say?
I guess if u go on the "there is no time" factor, and everything is happening at once and we are all one, we ALL thought up ALL the ideas RIGHT NOW together simultaneously. it's just that in the physical world we try to limit the thoughts/ideas just a few at a time because I know if I thought of everything right now I'd just die from a heart attack or something.

ok, time 2 hit the hay.
it was a very pleasant birthday. thank u everyone for your most kind birthday wishes :)

peas,
ana