anagram 04.16.99

I've been sort of feeling in a weird place lately..feeling that I need to get back to music asap so I should go clean out that other room immediately so I can do that. but then I realized that I really DON'T want to write music asap. I just feel the pressure to do so. so I'm trying to let go of the feeling that I MUST do anything. because it's making me not get anything done at all. but I am rather enjoying watching tv lately, I really have watched so many cool shows about atlantis and psychology and biographies and inside of the witness protection programme and all sorts of stuff. watched the movie "sphere" which was pretty ok. oh, and shows on past lives and ufos and dating violence. but this is just surface stuff as my brain is really thinking about how things are all connected and how we create our own reality and how we are all one, and imagining the many levels and layers of energy/vibrations that connect everything and where I fit into all that. and how I can change my vibration to become a magnet for more of that same vibration. trying on different vibrations like clothes and seeing what happens when I do that. noticing how when I am anxious I create more anxiety. whatever I focus on is what happens. wondering why some streets seem to gather more of a depressed negative energy than other streets. wondering if this just randomly happens, or of architecture can really effect the flow of energy and where it will flow, therefore creating comfortable friendly places to sit, while other places just feel "icky". I don't know. trying to comprehend time and how a black hole can suck in time. and what is time. and what would a tree look like if we could see it without time "all at once". seeing the tree from seed to death, fall to winter, opening leaves, dropping leaves, growing branches…if there was no time so we could see it "slowly" and we could see it all at once…would it look like a big energy blur? can I effect time? if all my lives are happening right now can I effect my past and my future all at once? are things preordained? are things ever random. is it all a big loop? and is this funny? is it really something like "comic structure"? is it really like hitchhikers guide to the galaxy? does the second I think a thought..does that thought leave me and become it's own "entity" free to live and grow and makes it's own worlds within worlds too? what do I want to create? can I really believe this? can I stop myself from fearing I will create something "wrong"? if I threw away all my clothes could I manifest them all back? should I start figuring out how to astral project? these are some of things I think of when I watch tv. it's really hard to explain. what is choice? how much choice do we have? total choice? can I make my perfect world anywhere at anytime..or do I need to "move" to a special location. or is that just an illusion. do I have the power to manifest the perfect place for me anywhere if I really believe it strong enough? how can I make sure that what I'm asking for is really what is "good" for me? is there ever any way to know?
or is it just u must try out everything blindly before I can know. live and learn? is there really "guides" that are here to help me? isn't there some help anywhere? it's hard to figure this stuff out alone.