ooo, thunder!

i heard it!

*gets all excited*

put a message in the bottle

aperature and shutter speed
ok, just so i can get a feel for things and get a ballpark figure for this....
i have a few questions about shutter speed and aperature.
i'm just trying to figure this out for the first time.

what do i set them at to make people walking blurry (from the movement) outside during the day? i can do it at night...but i can't figure out how to do it in the day. i can't figure out how to make anything blurry during the day without it being totally washed out.

and what do i set them to capture NONblurry pictures of my dogs (stop motion?) as they are playing on my bed during the day? when i try this they always turn out too dark.
i want to capture them running and jumping in midair but crystal clear..no bluriness.

i know you can't give me exact things. but is it possible for you to tell me around what to set these things? then i have something to go on and can figure it out from there.

put a message in the bottle

planet earth
yesterday was almost 90 degrees. tonight a huge wind will come bringing with is rain and SNOW! now this will be interesting to see!
and for the rest of the week. rain and cloudiness. bah.
perhaps good weather to crochet again?
i'm definitely going to get outside today for the last nice day of the week.

i'm finding myself wanting to make more friends only posts or say it just in ana2.
i still feel really gunshy and drained from that huge antiwar rant i went on. and how i saw the evilness in people seep through. and this really affected me and made me be more of a private person, i think. made me curl up in a ball a bit. made my skin a bit thicker and thinner both at once.
usually, no matter how much flack i get. no matter how hurtful people get...i still can find the strength to speak my truth and make it known publically. but that last round really changed me a bit. it made me see even more fully how really truly fucked up this planet is. and how of COURSE there is war if people cannot even be civil human beings on livejournal. i knew this already, but it hadn't changed me as a person as much yet.

i feel changed this time. i don't know if for the good or the bad. but i'm far more cynical and guarded now. i guess i just got back far more bad than good when i let my heart speak that last time. and seeing people who i thought were my friends say such horrible things about me...it changed me that time. maybe it was the last straw.

i'll bounce back. but in a different way.

plus, now that my mom is taking a more active approach to reading my journal. it has really wrecked it for me further. this really drives me nuts. i wish i could recitify things with her but she just won't stop hurting me.
i was finally going to get together with her the other day but then she freaked out when she saw i was had found the ana voog family from 1916 and went on a thing about how she wished i spent that much time looking into my REAL family instead of my "made up" one. pretty much dissing and insulting my belief in reincarnation. but just so silly because i can't fantasize and wonder and find joy in finding another ana voog from 1916? i know it just comes from hurt and jealousy on her part. but i'm just so sick of it.
especially since i have told her that i have a GREAT interest in our families geneology and i was just going to get together with her. AND i had just written her a terribly lengthy painful email in which i told her to STOP criticizing me in any way whatsoever because i could not take it. and she couldn't even last 3 days without saying something mean to me.
now i haven't written to her in over a week and she is all hurt but i just do NOT want to explain this to her AGAIN. y'know? i just don't have the fricking energy to go into it AGAIN.

i mean, i'm typing this out now FINALLY, and i guess i could just email her this post. but fuck it. y'know?
i just don't even want to get into it with her.
but she is just sitting there...pretending she doesn't care if i write her and writing sulky passive aggressive things in her journal about how i don't care about her and how SHE would make an EFFORT to stay in touch with HER mother even if they got into fights.
well, this is more than just FIGHTS. she thinks i don't want to talk to her because she has a differing opinion.
i WISH that were ONLY it.
and so this weighs on me every second of the day. i can just feel her lurking and sulking out there. reading all my words and looking at all my pictures.
and so i just want to curl up in a ball and hide.
it's takes a lot of guts for me to still post nude pix out there of me , at this time.
thank god she doesn't get on my case about THAT, too at this point in time.
because i sure have heard my fill about her great hate for that.
and i still can hear her words ringing in my ears about how she thinks my breasts are grotesque.

but i keep myself occupied by taking pictures and crocheting hats and going for walks and other nice things.
i keep plugging away at life. i'm proud of myself for persevering.
i just wish there was a switch in my head to switch off about thinking about my mother.
it feels like i am watching her be stuck in some nightmare. but she is a sleepwalker. she is reacting to me as if she were in a nightmare. but i can't wake her up. i can't get her to make sense.
and it makes me feel like i am in her nightmare. i am in a nightmare. it feels like that. because it's just so surreal and nonsensical it can't POSSIBLY be real.
but it is.

i try to put it out of my head. it's just a dream it's just a dream.
but it floods back..no it's not no its not.

but i keep on going. and so i say nothing and keep on going.

it sounds drastic and terrible, but sometimes i can't wait until we both are dead so i can just hurry up to the part where we are both "on the other side' and HOPEFULLY i think she will make sense there and see what a terrible pointless thing she was doing to me and to herself. and then finally she will get it and understand and say she is sorry and we can just move on and be friends finally.

but as long as she is in this life...she is stuck seeing things through her filters. filters , i feel, are quite warped and narrow of focus...if they can focus at all.

i would have never thought things could get this way. i never saw that things could get so warped and strange.

life is bizarre.

but even tho all of this is happening, i still love life. and i love earth. even through all the war and everyones warped and narrow lenses. i still love the surreal beauty of some things. i love the fact that they almost worship cows in india. i love that they feed rats milk in temples. i love the fact that some people tag vultures feet to keep track of them and monitor them in pakistan. i love how some people can care about vultures so much. i love the little pockets of goodness i see. i love when i see people helping. i love the rich variety of food we have here on earth. i love that we have shows like iron chef where people make food into art. like chez panisse in berkley. coming up with new taste combinations. just the fact that we have learned how to make spaghetti is hilarious to me. grinding up wheat and keeping just part of it and then mixing it up...making weird shapes from it then drying it and boiling it. i mean, who thought that up? what weird thought processes went into that? what a great time we live in that we can so easily import food from everywhere in the world and then combine these things into infinite variety of tastes, shapes , and colours. you just can't partake in things like that in the astral plane or after you've died. not that i know of anyway. and you just can't take the hair of animals and make string out of it and then twist and crochet it with sticks into a multitude of shapes. not after you die. not that i know of. and our time on this earth is so limited. such a short time. sure, you can come back again and again. but only once as the person that you are today. and each time you come back you forget (almost) who you were before...just to make it more interesting. just so you can eat spaghetti for the trillionth time through the eyes of a child. so you can wonder at the duck billed platypus and the manatee. and the giraffe and the jellyfish. only on earth can you wear dresses made from cocoons while simultaneously sipping on 100 year old fermented grape juice from a country across the sea...made by people long dead who you may meet again in a new form. while simultaeously shooting the vibrations from your voice up into space, into a sattelite and then back down again into the ears of a person who is watching the sun set while you watch the sun rise.

and that is why i am here.

put a message in the bottle

it was almost 90 degrees here today.
and in 2 days it might possibly snow!
how weird is that?

i am so incredibly hyper, as you may be able to tell from how many pictures i have been taking.
it's pouring out of my camera like cheerios.

i'm sure i'm due for a big slump where i do nothing. because things cycle like that for me. especially if it's going to be rainy or snowy for a few days.
i'm not looking forward to it.
but until then, i'm taking advantage of my hyperness.
i'm even getting some cleaning done.

i've been listening to elliott smith when i go for walks.

my mother and financial difficulties plague my mind, but i remain optimistic, nonetheless.

so many things i want...holga camera, oil sticks to paint with...
and some compact flash memory cards. i only have one that is 32 MB.
i need a billion so that when i go out and take pix, i can take them of the highest quality and not worry about running out of room on my card.

wow, a 1GB compact flash card! i didn't even know they came that big. *drool*

i want to make pix big enough to print out really large. then i want to paint on them with oil sticks.

it might be time for me to start playing around with my polaroid cameras again.

i think i might be tired enough, finally, to go to sleep now.

put a message in the bottle

67 pictures

i hope you take the time to take in these pictures because i think they are really cool and each one contains such intricate little beauties. i know it's a lot to take in and so you might hurry through them... so maybe take a few days to peruse. :)

put a message in the bottle

a hole in a wall...

what is in that hole...