anagram 04.06.99

I've noticed from the photographs of me sleeping that I'm sleeping with my hands above my head a lot. I don't think I used to do this, but who knows? I've been feeling incredibly up and down lately. big mood shifts from elation to despair. my mind full of incredibly beautiful thoughts from the creatively complex and invigorating to the serenity of being totally peaceful just to sit in a patch of sunlight, then to plummet the next hour into intense anxiety and an impending feeling of doom and helplessness. feeling small, oppressed and scared of poverty. then I shake myself of it and go "everything will be ok" and I watch a movie on hbo and feel blissfully "normal". so the cam pix have been sporadic. dodging the cam in a feeling of "oh god, I can't let them watch me stare on the couch again! they must think I'm so morbid and boring and depressing" "oh god, not the stripey pants and sadist shirt again!" etc etc. "oh god, here come the weird filters". 'cause I just can't deal with feeling so ugly ( in my mind) when I feel insecure in this weird way I'm feeling right now. and I can't express it in a caption, it sucks so much. I think, oh god I can't sit and watch hbo on the couch for another day EVERYONE will unsubscribe and I will become destitute. and the "pure" artist in me cannot stand this sort of gibberish because I'll be damned to create out of fear. I simply refuse to. so therefore, I want u 2 know that all blips and moments I play for and with the camera, they are all genuine. I never do it because I feel I better or everyone will get bored and go away. but I must tell u the truth, on the days, especially when days and days go by where I do not do anything "interesting" for the camera…I do have anxiety about it. sometimes more sometimes less. I feel so fucking grateful and thankful that I can live a decent life by doing my art…and I could never take that for granted. but I just cannot create on days where I'm not in that mood. and I never know when the next creative mood will hit me, and sometimes when it does, it isn't directed at the cam, it's put into cleaning, organizing my brain, reading, writing, doodling..etc. I wish I had a huge wad of money so that I never had to worry about whether or not my art will support me so I could just relax on the days where I'm not creating. I wish I had it in to me to trust in the universe SO much that I would not care if everyone unsubscribed because I knew deep down inside that the universe will not let me starve or be homeless. I struggle all the time to just try to figure out a way that all of ana2 could be on anacam and everyone could see everything. I want everyone to see what goes on in here. sometimes I think maybe I should try to get a grant or something. I wish I could make everything "free" and then just ask people to donate, and maybe in the grand scheme of things that would work. but maybe not. it's not like I feel bad charging for my art, it's not that at all! I just wish that everyone could see it because it would just make me happy to share it. argh. I do not like keeping "the goodies" hidden. but at the same time, it IS a good thing because then the people who see it are appreciative and it makes me happy to have the safe community where people value art and not just take it for granted, which is what a lot of other people do. I just wish I had a huge infinite amount of cash and I could just create this crazy graphix intensive website and no worry one bit about how much bandwidth that'll be. if only I'd be a non-nude site, then I could have the hugest graphics intensive website for WAY cheaper. but the second your nude…prices for bandwidth go up GREATLY. and I just refuse to put on clothes on days when I'd rather not. it's not worth changing my lifestyle over, and about something I greatly believe in…which is a person should have the option to be NUDE. gads. this is only some of the stuff I grapple with. that and I'm very depressed over not being able to decorate this apartment how I'd like to. I go over it and over it ever day..how I could improve it. but the fact is, I like to draw and paint on walls. I like the liberty to drill a billion screws into the wall and start making a gigantic "thing" with that. this place would kill me if I did that. it is so beautifully pristine and white. and I love it for that. and I could decorate really fabulously with it if I had A LOT OF MONEY to do these sculpture/paintings that I see in my head that I could then hang on the wall with just a few nails. but there is no room to even make a big mess making these things I see. light tan carpeting. every little bit of dirt shows. it makes my mind go crazy. because after I left that last apartment, I decided I wanted to be very very clean. but it's impossible to keep this place clean. it's like a losing battle. I'd be cleaning CONSTANTLY to make it look spotless. and maybe that's why all the housewives took valium. I totally can understand. my surroundings are so important to me. they are an extension of me, my protective cocoon. my secret headquarters where I make little "things" then send them out via sattelite :) I like my house to be a scupture in and of itself. I want to build my own house, I want to be able to set fire to the bathroom walls if I want to. I want to be able to colour the carpet in pink chalk. I want to write with soft lead pencils all my secrets on the ceiling. I want to glue pieces of broken mirrors to the windows…..i am in a quandry. I feel like I'm living in a hotel. and for that it is very interesting. I've never felt so safe in a home before, and just for that alone, it's priceless. I feel so very lucky to be in such a safe comfy hotel-like place. it's a dream. but goshdarnit…I wanna splash watercolours over everything and make gigantic mobiles with tree twigs and paint with oils and just generally make a mess..in a minimalistic way. I cannot explain. so much more, too . just so much more.
what I need is joy. because if u have joy, everything IS perfect. that finally hit me AGAIN the other day. I kept thinking "if only I had this or that I would be joyful" "if only this person would behave like this and the days was not rainy I would be joyful". but I think perhaps I have it all backwards. and that if u have joy FIRST, then…you are just happy with the way things ARE anyway. I mean, when u r joyful, do u really care that the dishes are not done and that u have a zit and that the phone bill is quite grossly large? no, u just don't care. u can then have that inner peace feeling that "things will be ok no matter what"and anyway, I am struggling to get this feeling. which is silly , since struggling is so unjoyful. god, it's all so simple, but so hard. and it makes me feel like such an idiot for not just "GETTING 'IT". y'know?
I did feel incredible perfect peace today. it was such joy I have not had in such a long time. it was so beautiful outside, 53 degrees and sunny, and I came upon a SECRET place ( I sure hope it is secret!) that I think, I hop, will be a go place for me to go and be with nature a bit without getting harrassed. the main reason I do not go outside much is because I am like a "weirdo magnet" and I can't seem to go anywhere without some guy approaching me and trying to pick me up in some way or another. I'm not saying that to sound arrogant, but it's the truth. I swear I get the weirdest ones, too. it puts such a fear into me that I just never never leave the house. if I create my own reality…why do I create that????
if I could have a wish, one of the wishes would be to be able to be invisible when I want to be. then I could just go be outside and enjoy it. sometimes I can't wait until I'm old and "ugly" just to see if this will make people stay away from me. but then maybe if I finally got that wish , it would be bad. I don't want people to stay away from me because I'm gross, I just want them to stay away, because I'd like to just be able to enjoy the outdoors without getting into some stupid stupid stupid conversation with somebody. all I want is to feel safe no matter where I go. this secret place I found is almost so secluded that it scares me that u could easily get kidnapped or killed there. look how my mind is? can I never just enjoy a peaceful place of solitude without the fear of being raped or murdered? and then if I'm in a public place that is safe, I get talked to and stared at until I can't bear it anymore and I have to go inside? god.
anyway, I am glad I found this place. I will try to go there and feel safe. I will try to ground myself there and hopefully "the universe" will just let this place "be mine", at least while I'm there.
*sigh* I did not know I had so much typing in me. but I guess it was good to , in a small way, get some of my anxiety out of me. in 5 minutes I'll probably be fine again. and my sleeping schedule is so screwy. I'm trying to get tired before 5am, but nothing I do works. maybe I should just go with the flow. but tomorrow, I'm meeting with my manager, bobby z, at 1. I haven't seen him in such a long time and we are going to discuss all the future possibilities. I was going to get together with him today, but I didn't wake up in time.
ok, that's all for now.