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because of the trauma with a few of my neighbours, i have been too exhausted 2 make any cool pictures. but i am still working on the unvalentines! i think i MIGHT be FINALLY on an upswing again :) i am going 2 include the very boring pictures that were made, just for history's sake . and go see this cool thing HERE! ( if your computer can handle java ). it is so coooool !!!







here are some wallpapers that my friend , cpr , made from images from my cam. they are meant 2 be tiled and then they do a kool kaleidoscope thing :) he was the 1st 2 ever archive my site! i am in the midst of taking those pictures and adding them 2 arcana. i will slowly get all the pictures i ever made ( that i think are cool ) on ana2 ( i hope! )

and here is a silly thing:

making unvalentines avi (3.08MB)
or
making unvalentines.mpg (2.08MB)

and i started working on the archives that i'll call "the first apartment" :)
and here is the second page of that

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

Posted by ANA on March 31, 2000 at 22:39:23:

so what happened after the guy showed me his dick and i got him to put it back in his pants and sit down...in a nutshell:

he just was a weird creep, and nothing ever got physical, so i left in one piece.
i am still not over the ordeal yet tho.
the other day i got really drunk , just so i could go outside and walk my dogs and not care if those creepy guys watched me or not.which was not a smart way to handle my situation. really stupid of me, i know. ok, i was not SUPER drunk when i was outside..but i did end up getting more drunk later when i was inside because i was so upset that i was upset.
like there is another guy i didn't tell u about who lives in my building and he watches me. he has even posted really weird stuff on my bbs and unsubbed him from my mailing list. i feel like this building is crawling with pervs. i hope he didn't resubscribe...if he did and he is reading this or if anyone else is reading this and u live in my building..at least let me KNOW u are reading this and let me know u are a nice person...because i need to know that nice people live in my building, too. it's not fun seeing everyone and wondering if they know every last detail of my life. it's not weird that anyone knows what i do and how i live my life, it's just weird not KNOWING who it is...when it comes to people in my building. i'd rather know straight up just so i know where the cards lay, that's all. i don't care if u watch me take a bath or whatever and u don't have 2 tell me what u THINK of it, but if u watch me say, "hey...i've seen your site and it's a cool thing!" ( or weird thing depending on your opinion)
so today i just sat and made unvalentines (valentine's that are a few months late for ana2 members ) and tried to get a handle on myself.
that's it in a nutshell. i'll write it perhaps in more detail later.


i'm just telling u now 'cause i'm sure a few of u want 2 know and not worry. i'm ok. but still emotionally shaken
i'm not tired enough to sleep yet, but i'm tired enough that i don't feel like doing much, so i'm going into the bed 2 watch tv while jason sleeps
i am liking that show called "farscape" on the sci-fi channel a lot lately. have u seen it?
a bunch of barbecue sauce dripped into my keyboard the other day and now some keys are sticking. yuck.
oh, what was i drinking? why, captain morgan's spiced rum!
i didn't even know i had any! it in the thing room with all the things. then i saw it partially hidden under all my clothes and was like, hey captain jack! let's u me and the dogs take a walk!
jason the the rest down the sink, bless his forgiving soul :)

ok, night night
more stories later 4 u silly critters,

ana

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well, i thought i could intellectually decide with my pain from the pervert night would end. i intellectually decided that yesterday it would end, as yesterday was a beautiful 60 degree day and sunny and i wanted 2 go 4 a walk and shake the cobwebs from my soul.
but i just stalled and stalled. i couldn't decide whether or not 2 bring thre dogs along or not. i feel guilty 2 not bring them with, but at the same time they are not trained to "heel" and therefore it's a crazy mess trying 2 get them 2 not tangle up my legs with their leashes when i go out! it's not THAT bad, but when i go walking with them i have 2 concentrate on them instead of my walk and the scenery
finally i decided i would not bring them. i needed 2 walk alone. but i just sat there with my coat on staring at my purse and keys trying 2 make myself go out.
but jason ahd already seen that GUY twice that day already as he was out in the hallways afew tiimes because he was cleaning his car out 2 maybe sell it 2 his friend milo ( http://www.fetik3.com/milofine/ )
and i am not ready yet 2 deal with seeing him and telling him off
so jason said, why don't u come with me 2 milo's and after that we'll go out 2 eat?
and i was so happy with that because i really wanted 2 get out of the house! i mean, it's already tough for me 2 leave , but now it's 10 times as hard.
so i went out with jason and i asked him if we could stop an convenience store so i could get a pop ( soda soda i know i know...but we call it "pop" here..and i think it's a rather perfect word for it :)
i went in 2 get it and got in line and the guy in front of me in line turnde around this REALLY WEIRD PSYCHO SMILE and said , "heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy". he seemed like 7 feet tall and i just quickly looked down. then when i got up 2 have my sale rung up, the guy at the register just about dropped his jaw when he saw my hair and just was sort of dumbfounded by it for quite a few seconds before he even reached for my stuff 2 get ring up. i mean, he meant it in a NICE way as he said, " i LOVE your hair"..but i was just not in the mental state of mind to handle that and i felt so disappointed with myself.
when i got back in the car, as jason drove, i was hit with a major anxiety attack and a horrible sharp pain in my intestines like i was gonna lose the egg i had just eaten. i thought perhaps it had been a bad egg, although it tasted fine.
but it was the anxiety of people watching me in my physical space 'cause when i even broughb that up as maybe being the reason my instestines twisted even sharper and i thought i was just gonna have 2 go home!
i was so pissed with myself that INTELLECTUALLY i had finished with this no VERY boring and draining subject to me about the pervert saturday.
i can barely even write out a SPECK about it anymore i am SO (almost) done talking about it.
in fact, i would not write about it even now if this physical signal had not made me see perfectly that 2 be intellectually over something doesn't mean your SOUL is.
i mean, i understand that , intellectually, i should not e a nervous person. most of the time my life is just perfect. yet i remain as nervous as a chihuahua
biology?

anyway...my stomache stayed twisted and as milo and his mate were checking out jason's car 2 see if they wanted 2 buy it, i just sat on the ground with my pop and honed in on the sound of this one morning dove making it's sda cooing sound and i phased out everything else until i had gotten out of the stage where i was afraid that i if i didn't have a bathroom nearby i might just...u know. augh.

morning dove sounds are my very favourite sound. they remind me of my childhood. it is such a sad and haunting...meloncholy sound.
i wish i could have a cd with the sound of the morning dove on it. and such a pretty name :) morning dove, mourning dove :)

milo decided not 2 get the car 'cause it didn't fit all his drums
and we went home until i was better and then later on we went out 2 eat. then the rest of the night i watched movies and worked on unvalentines, which are sure taking me an awfully long time 2 do! i would be surprised how LONG it takes to write out everyone;s name and address then my return address, then put stamps on then put goofy decorative stamps on. now i am trying to clour them all swirly with magic markers, but i might havre 2 give up on that idea or it'll take me FOREVER!
the lesson i am learning from this is that it is best to buy envelopes that are already pretty so i don't feel i need to add SO much to them to make them special.
these unvalentines are especially girly and gaudy! i wanted it it to have that look that a very girly 14 year old had made them , and i think i have definitely achieved that! LOL :)
as i get this down to a science i will get better and prettier at it. i mean, of course i can make a nice one if it's just for a few people, but for 185 it's pretty much impossible to make them all as spaecial as i want to amke them. so i have to hone on on a different method defnitely!
because i want them very special and one of a kind.

i am thinking that perhaps i could put out only one mailing a year and then i'd have a year to collect nifty paper oddities inside and also keep things handwritten and put cool thingamajigs into it all. i am PONDERING adding this to the things u get when joining http://www.ana2.com
that when u join, u will get LIFETIME membership of one letter/postcard a year ( more or less ) from me.
what do u think of this? do u think it's a crazy idea? its so utterly crazy i actually like it :)
but if i ended up eventaully with 1,000 people on it, the postage and everything would be SO much. but perhaps could have a fnd where people donate stamps and stuff for me, for "the cause" of one/postcard a year ( more or less ) from me for LIFE :)

tell watcha think , k?

it's fun to have happy thought sand happy things to do during this uncomfortable time for me to balance everything out. it's fun to make silly girly letters and draw in spirals with magic markers while watching movies. it comforts me and helps to sooth my mind that keeps playing little mini films from my life back at me in never ending loops. loops of actions, experiences, things thought, thing said, things heard...some good some bad

drives me nuts.
i am going to look into atking some meditation classes.
i ussed to get stress out by dancing around in my house with my eyes half closed for hours in the middle of the night.
it was also great excercise!
but i can't blast the music when jason is sleeping and i also just CANNOT dance like that if i know anyoe is watching me 'cause it is just such a personal letting go thing for me. so SOMEDAY when and if the ever aggravating THING room gets clean, i will put a boom box in there and and dance in the dark in there with headphones on. or not dark...with all my xmas tree lights. i miss those. they are the best most soothng things besides candles and incense.
i still want desparatly to find a place that sells lights like xmas tree light but the cords are not xmas tree green! why can't they make the cords white or any other colour??? help!

oh god, and then get this. the other day i told u about the OTHER horrible neighbour that posted things about where i live on my forum???
well, after i wrote him this:

"hey...
it's really NOT COOL of u to now TWICE make references to where i live!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO NOT DO THIS!!!!
do u know that it could put my life in danger?
lots of weird people watch my site, i don't need any weird stalkers finding out where i live!
where i live is a secret.
DON'T go telling your friends. don't tell ANYONE
i don't even know u!
PLEASE!
what on earth?
that is so totally NOT cool or good for my safety!!!

THIS IS VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT
and i am VERY VERY SERIOUS!"

what does he do? he posts AGAIN in even MORE detail!! can u believe this????


SO....
since i believe that i create my own reality, i believe that my fear for my safety has amplified ten fold and is manifesting all these "challenges" for me to grow stronger.

so...i am now envisioning guardian angels as big as skyscrapers hovering all around my entire building...infusing INTO the building, HOLDING my building in perfect safety and comfort! and i DO feel them and i feel A LOT more in control!

so i am asking those of u interested....would u please hold a vision in your mind of me being completely protected in a perfect way. use my angel vision, or use a vision of your own. perhaps see me bathed in white light or pink light. see my house as peaceful and serene and perfectly totally safe with no harm to anyone.
perhaps u know reiki and could send some my way...to calm me and protect me. maybe light a candle. maybe pray. whichever is YOUR way :)
i know there are a lot of incredible people on this list. so loving and kind and generous. i love the emails of strength and support u write 2 me. i may not reply to every email, but know that i do read them all and i treasure each and every one and i love 2 hear your stories and your confessions and your werdz of kindness :)
they truly do give me an emormous amount of strength, thank u thank u all u kind and gentle souls :)

i know that if i do it this way and send out healing thoughts instead of fearful thoughts, things will turn around.

the universe has never let me down yet when i approach it from this way :)
i am feeling already much more healed and such having written this :)
oh! and i made earthcams top 25 most interesting webcam sites! yay!
http://www.earthcam.com/top25/
if anyone know how i could email the 8 people who were in charge of picking those 25, please let me know 'cause i'd like 2 thank them :)


thank u for listening,
ana clara voog


-------

a few posts i made in reply 2 some things in public anarchy forum ( not a pretty sight! ):

Posted by ANA on April 01, 2000 at 14:38:16:

In Reply to: Re: part two of the "pervert night" posted by Alrighty then on April 01, 2000 at 14:01:18:
wow. dude.
look.
i didn't just "catch sight" of some guys penis.
he, against my will, without my CONSENT, took out his VERY ERECT penis and he POINTED IT AT ME for 5 full fucking minutes even though i said " NO NO NO PLEASE PUT THAT AWAY I DON"T WANT TO SEE IT"

i, on the other hand...this guy WHINED for a full half an hour for me to PLEASE show him my breasts so he could better understand what i was talking about!

WHAT IS THIS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?

so, he can get naked in his own house. but there is a big difference between someone saying, " hey, i'm a nudist. i'm in my own home so i'm going to get naked now. if this makes u uncomfortable u can leave"

which is nOT what he did! he said "let me do something for u in return" and BEFORE he even had it out i said " NO I DO NOT NEED TO SEE THAT PLEASE DON"T NO"

it's even different because it was ERECT. THAT makes a big difference as to what the MEANING is of his gesture, don't u think?

if it hadn't been ERECT, i still would have been upset but not AS upset as him taking it out fully erect POINTING IT AT ME, asking me WHAT i think of it, etc etc etc. when i CLEARLY stated taht i did NOT want to talk about that or see that.

he on the other hand WANTED to see mine. he ASKED me if i could see. i relented

CONSENT. DUH.

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HERE'S A POST JASON MADE:

Posted by fetik3 on April 01, 2000 at 10:36:26:

In Reply to: Re: part two of the posted by lori on April 01, 2000 at 08:51:36:
Situation 1:
They were having a talk about breast surgery. She discussed how they looked and felt a lot different than real breasts. The tone and content of the conversation was not sexual, it was done in the same manner that you would hear about the quality of breast implants on CNN. In this spirit, Ana eventually agreed to show him her breasts. Another important note about this, that I'm not sure Ana clearly stated, is that this person is someone we have been on a friendly level for some time. Ana probably felt a bit safer because she knew that his family was friends with my family. I can say that with my previous interaction with him, I've always felt that he was extremely friendly, and there definitely felt like that potential "connection" that you have with people you are interested in persuing as a friend. This wasn't just some complete stranger that she met in the hall for the first time ever.

Situation 2:
He pulled out his penis, for the specific (which he admitted) reason of leading to sex. Not only are these two situations VERY different, the first one involved consent, the second didn't. She initially stated to him that she didn't want to see it, and then had to repeatedly asked him to put his penis away.

Also being naked in itself is not exhibitionism. I can pretty safely say that some of the tribes I've seen in National Geographic would probably give me a funny look if I stated that they are exhibitionists (of course they'd probably give me a funny look anyway if they didn't understand English). Ana has repeatedly stated that her goals of being naked are not based on sexual stimulation...

It still blows my mind that some people insist that what she was doing was inherently sexual and that she should have expected it. If we were to look at another culture, one that makes women cover their entire bodies (including face, neck, arms, etc).. because the majority of the males in that country feel that the exposure of any skin would "cause them to lose their will, and be sexually tempted"... most of us here would express discontent with this. If a woman of that culture was to walk around without the facial covering or just her arms exposed, and then was to be raped and/or killed would we sit around and say "well DUH! A Woman's body is totally tempting to men! Men cannot resist this, so it was awful and stupid of her to tempt them. She should have *EXPECTED* this result!!" Ummmmmm I don't think so. But that's because in America (and the majority of posters on this BBS are American) we don't have the same CULTURAL sexual hang-ups that require women to be COMPLETELY covered. So they don't seem objective to us. However in some countries, this *WOULD* seem like an objective issue/reaction. In some countries, it is the honorable thing for a man to kill his wife if she should be raped. This too seems objective in these cultures. And for "us" (the american society --- of course every society has their own individuals with their own beliefs, however there are predominant "values" that are reflected in a society's language, laws, etc) we have our own sexual hang-ups, such as the evil, and tempting qualities of a womans breast which *DO* seem objective (to some of us). If you just step back for one second, you can see that neither case has any more objectivity. Both are, in my mind, ridiculous, *ESPECIALLY* when it leads one to believe that the oppressive and violent reactions that result from this type of exposure are justified. Another thing people have to realize is that the sociological impact and systematic opression of women and their sexuality in this society is COMPLETELY different than the sexual issues that men face. Having an insecurity about your penis size is *NOT* the same as walking down a street, and fearing you will be raped because of how others view your body. It's just stupid to even try to call these issues equal in any way.

Alright. I think I've ranted about this subject as much as I (and I'm sure you) can physically stand :) Back to programming :)

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Posted by ANA on April 01, 2000 at 12:10:39:

In Reply to: Re: part two of the posted by lori on April 01, 2000 at 11:49:09:
hi lori! i'm ana! i am a human being! NOT just a subject for your term paper of the week!

maybe SOMEWHERE along the line u could have expressed a small sympathetic SOMETHING.
u know, i am a HUMAN, a bad thing happened to me?
before u ripped my psyche and everyone else's psyche perhaps u could have just said HI, maybe??

another thing, my slip i was wearing is completely opaque and look exactly like a red dress that u could buy ANYWHERE...

also, when did tori ever tell YOU that her song, me and a gun" was a "protest piece"

what do u mean" dark forces"? what does that mean 2 u exactly? i would be interested to know.

and tori does say many times that she doesn't shy away from the "darker" things. however she means that i cannot tell u exactly since i am not tori. but what i THINK she means by it is that she is not gonna pretend that everything has to be happy happpy joy joy all the time in order 2 live a good life. and that life is FAR more complex than most of us can imagine.

and anyway..sex is a lot like death..go ask a scorpio :)or someone who has just had a really great orgasm :) why do u think the french call it "le petite mort"? ( pardon my mispelling of mort is that's wrong and pardon my mispelling of mispelling! :)

and u said, "I think the intrinsically alienated nature of artists is what drives them to create"

which is just SUCH a really clumsy blanket statement on your part.

do YOU consider yourself an artist? or are u just one of those people who pulls butterfly wings off their backs to see how it is they fly?

---------

Posted by ANA on April 01, 2000 at 12:26:36:

In Reply to: Re: part two of the posted by lori on April 01, 2000 at 11:49:09:
u said this:
"My point there is that I feel that an artist's need to create is wrapped up in an obsessive cycle of the need for acceptance and, upon rejection, a desire to be a renegade against those who have rejected them. subsequently, I think that artists sometimes subconsciously put themselves in situations where tehy will almost certainly be rejected or be martyred."

maybe SOME artists do this. but I do not do this if that is what u are trying to get to. i think a bunch of people who are not even artists do this obessive thingie whatever u call it. i think u would then say they were "needy glommy" people. there are a TON of them around. maybe one of them is even u?
maybe u are on the bbs because u are looking for acceptance that u are an intelligent female able to delve into these torrid subjects most females would faint at. ( i am saying this very tongue in cheek...just so u know )

if i had two seconds to categorize u and tell u exactly who i THOUGHT u were i would say u are a college student..or one who just recently just got out. i would say u are in your early twenties because u seem to think you've got a handle on all of this.
i would say that u prefer the company of males over females because subconsiously u want/need 2 be fauned over and 2 be the center of attention, even tho this goes gainst your tough feminist ideals. i would say that u even shy away from the word femiminist when at all possible. u want 2 be seen as a rational woman , like scully on the x files. never hysterical. u live out your subsconscious desire to be a groovy little slut in wicked high heels by going to sites like mine because u are testing me and everyone else whether ot not this could actually hAPPEN in this lifetime and still not die and u still could write are really substantial book about it someday, so u could be like camille p.
( who i've never yet ever read a book about her or by her...i just see her name mentioned a lot, so i'm using that reference to be really cool :)

so....
how does it feel top be put in a frame by someone that u do not even know?
pretty shitty, huh?
now i've drawn my cartoon of u around u and if we ever even wanted to get past it to EVER have a worthwhile conversation about ANYTHING. u now have to rip that cartoon off u and i have to rip the cartoon off me that u made..and thats' exhausting, don't u think?