anagram 033001

epiphany!

[22 Mar 2001|11:48pm]
i'm surprisingly blissfully happy right now, and even tho i have my meds, i didn't take my prescribed dose. i took less. i think i will be able to go off prozac now. i just now i have made it through my depression and confusion now about so many things. maybe it's too soon to speak..but that is how i feel right now.
just thinking about that last blow out with my mom, and then the epiphany afterwards...
still contemplating WHAT in me changed now, and why and how?

after having so many problems with my mom , especially the last few years, and all the agonizing and trying to get her to see that what i was doing and who i had become was something she could be really proud of...and still her rejecting on me on every level of my being except for the fact that she loves me because i am her daughter and that cannot be changed...
i have let go of trying and that burden of it
same with my dad...altho i get along so much more with him and he understands me so much more than mom does...he still..doesn't really ever "get me"
i have seen very clearly now my mom and dad as the human beings they are, and not the godlike protectors i wished they'd be.

there is no use for me to press my nose against their barriers like they were windows into a beautiful place. i've wiped the dust off and i now see in to a place that really wouldn't be good for me to be in. i've turned around from that window and i see the world that was always mine to begin with. *click click click * "there's no place like home" :)

i know in my heart that i am on the right track. even tho i was happy with what i was doing..i could never TRULY enjoy it because i felt haunted by the judgements of my family and by people i don't know on the internet.

it's kind of like when i wanted to be popular so badly in high school, and i tried so hard but was always "the weird one"...i even made it to be a cheerleader my sophmore year and i really wanted to explore that side of things...and see the people behind it all...

what i found out was that i was trying to get validated by people that cannot even validate themselves. so much pain anguish, fear, denial, repression, blindness....
the people i looked up to so much became people that i saw finally as they were, not how i wished them to be. i did not need their validation..i mean i'd LIKE it :)..it's always nice to feel validated, BUT
i do not need it from them anymore because i see they are absolutely incapable of giving me something they do not have. and how can i be angry with them about that? they really AREN'T withholding anything from me! that's the way it is!

and there was NO way i would ever break through their walls and how they saw "reality"

i now realize that as i get older, i don't WANT to be friends with people who would be cruel to me about my creative process or my physical being.
and want to be around those who love me as i am.

i have been wishing so much to be the crazy old troll woman in the desert with her million pooka dogs and her yard filled with crop circles made from hubcaps and i thought that when i was finally HER, that is when my life would truly begin.
i want to be maude from the movie "harold and maude"
i want to be yoko ono in that she does whatever pleases her and feels no obligation to justify it.
ya, i'm DONE with justifying!
i'm gonna be that crazy old troll woman with a truck full of magical hats and a giant girraffe in my livingroom NOW. i DON'T have to wait until i'm OLD for that to be OK!
i don't have to wait until i'm 70 and no one cares anymore because i'm not marketable because of my physical appearance to just have those people LEAVE and throw up their hands in dismay.
i am NOT entertainment anymore as a product, i am simply entertaining :)

i think that after that fight with my mom...and seeing how fruitless it was...and how i could go on living in the hell she is in by still trying to break into her clubhouse, a clubhouse that's no fun anyway...i finally validated MYSELF. i gave to myself what my parents could not, and i've filled a void in me that i didn't know that i could ever fill. i feel so much more STEADY and SOLID , it's just SO DAMN COOL to KNOW that i really really , without a shadow of a doubt, like myself and what i do and where i'm going DESPITE the fact that i have been deeply rejected by my own mother and quite a bit from my father....and a lot of my family and friends.

i mean, if i can make it through in one shining piece after THAT, i can deal with just about anything.

i guess some things that were holding me back were the "me" i created when i was in the music industry for 15 years...as i was finally accepted in a subculture of society as validated and worthwhile (to a certain degree) for who i was and also how i looked ( which WAS ALL TRUE and really me at that time, and i loved that "era" )...i have been petrified to let go of that and move to MY next level for fear that the naysayers will say i'm "all washed up" and "over the hill" and whatever. but i am NOT going to get and validation from them ever and that's just the way it is...and i could sit here for the rest of my life debating with these people about whether or not what i do is "real" or "good" or "worth anything", or whether or not i'm "a joke" or " a genius" or "just another fake blonde with fake tits "and does what i do really MATTER or not, is it SERIOUS, is it "whatever it is they think it should be to make it be something to not be made fun of"....
i could be there. and i have been for years...and i'm now seeing the light out of that trap.

so, i'm going to be the crazy old eccentric troll woman NOW that does what makes her happy without any feeling of obligation to explain and justify who i am or what i do or WHY i do what i do and bla bla bla
i'm just going to do it.

something inside me has definitely changed and it is so precious to me , i'm holding it like a tiny newborn kitten in utter wonder and amazement

so i'd like to thank all the frooty new age self help books i've read, and all the oprah shows i've watched, and all the truly amazing people of this world who have, just by being themselves, been a beacon of light to me. to show me that ( ok this is REALLY CORNY ) beauty indeed comes from within.
( thank u jason and jacqui and emmett and haikucoo and banshee and maw and duckydoolittle and vera little and ego plum and maw and stacy and terri and beep and carolyn and renee and tori and yoko and alyn m. and juris and jerky and guru and samara hesper golden and richard sharah and to all the other eccentrics and angels i am not mentioning now, don't wish to be mentioned, or simply don't know who in the heck i am! )
THANK U SO MUCH to all those seen and unseen trailblazers i've witnessed in my life who just keep riding their own train and waving their light as big as they want to and never hide. because that u didn't hide i have seen new options, and i was able to grasp and pull myself to the next place i wanted to be. and i face all my stuff head on no matter how messy it gets

and thank u, ironically, to my mom and other members of my family, and to others around me who have rejected me and ridiculed me and have pushed me off a their train, a train that i didn't want to be on after all!
...i had to give it my all, i had to fight and scratch and debate, i had to know i had used everything i had to TRY to be where it was i thought i wanted to be. i explore each place i go to with much love, curiousity, fervor and zest. i hang on with my teeth. i am perhaps too tenacious for my own good.

i guess everything DOES happen for a reason...the good AND the bad

but from now on i'd prefer to learn from joy not pain, ok? ( hey ME, are u listening? :)

well.....i sure hope this feeling stays. yes i do.
and if it goes again, i will know at least that this IS a place that can be reached and that is tangible and real and attainable and i will never stop reaching for it and even farther :)

i want to find a really good website and book about how to make a home from "trash"
like tires, old bottles, license plates for shingles, etc...tiles, broken glass and tires, odds and ends.

i have seen some very beautiful homes on tv made this way, but now i can't find how to make them. i don't want an earthship, or a straw bale house...i would like monolithic dome...and then maybe build off from my house from there. maybe there is a good book about this. i want to make something that has a lot of glass in it because i love light, that is the most impoirtant feature of a home to me...and if i could make one room out of bottles, one room out of tires...etc...that's be cool

[24 Mar 2001|03:42pm]
today is just a lost day. a day to be mellow and charge up new energy.
i've had the shades closed on my winodws for a few days now. it's nice, it feels more cocoon-like. i think i'll go to the little store and get some food

[25 Mar 2001|05:35pm]
ya ya ya

[26 Mar 2001|02:48pm]
i wrote this to my anacam picture of the day yahoo group mailing list ( group name : anacam. it's here: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/anacam

okokokokok :)
i didn't make any groovy pix yesterday so i give u one of my faves from last
winter :)
i'm not feeling too creative today ( but who knows what the night will bring
:)
jason, my boyfriend, is moving out into his own apartment this sunday (
april 1st ) and so i am feeling on haitus for the moment as i lot of my new
ideas that want to pop out need his stuff to be moved out so i can arrange
some things and get my stuff in order and clean, etc.
today i'm going to take everything of mine that is in the hallway or in the
way of him getting started packing, etc...and put it in the thing room,
which means that room will be so stuffed i won't be able to get into it to
get whatever creatiev supplies i might need spur of the moment...so bear
with me hear on this last week of march because april is gonna make up for
it :)
and no, jason and i are not breaking up, we are just getting our own spaces
since we need more space for all our things and all the stuff we wanna do!
:)

swish,
ana

[26 Mar 2001|06:58pm]
oh wait..i think i have pms. yes, that's it. aaaaaaaayesssssssss. *beating myself up for not being more evolved mode off*

about forgiveness [26 Mar 2001|10:23pm]
serendipity showed me this link:
http://www.svmagazine.com/2001/week13/features/Story01.html

i haven't read it in it's entirety yet. but it looks very cool :)

[27 Mar 2001|01:03pm]
dankitti showed me this:
http://www.antispin.net/~martine/cgi-bin/insanity.cgi?ana

it is SO COOL!!!! u can go there and it'll randomize the words in your LJ!

[28 Mar 2001|01:50pm]
gonna go take a quick shower then go walking in my red engineer boots outside in the grey. stomp stomp stomp
i'll blast my walkman loud. dunno what musiq yet

[28 Mar 2001|03:37pm]
it's raining so i didn't go for a walk ;/

QUESTION:

WHY is there property tax? i mean it makes no sense to tax someone on something they bought! it's like having to keep paying tax on your clothes or whatever. what is UP with that???????

i would like to see people take responsibility for the children,their garbage, what they consume, etc....including me AND i would like to not have this happen to me ( taken from the post below by scottks, i think ):

"I saw a TV show the other day about a town that has such high property taxes, the retired people, who have bought and paid for their homes, are having to move away. That's not right. "

i am not saying we should not help each other. i'm saying i don't think property taxes are fair. i'd like MORE say on WHERE my money goes and i'd like this NOT to be a way that might have my homen taken away from me someday which i feel is a BASIC human right.

i would like to see a society not so reliant on factory workers making the stuff we crave and not so reliant on having the public schools "teach" the children.
i think most public schools suck from what i've experienced and what i've seen.
i'd say that public schools harm more than help.

i'm not saying i wouildn't spend one red cent of money helping other people. of COURSE i would, and DO and will. i just want to pick and choose WHERE i would like to spend MY money. i WANT the responsibility of that. i don't want others defining that for me as our society gets more and more crazy and corrupt and detached and violent and unselfaware and polluting. do u think schools are HELPING to solve this problem? on the whole, i think not.

it's time for society to stop being so lazy and take responsibility for how things are right now...not just throw money into a government pool and then say , well, i did MY job..i don't owe anyone else anything...i don't have to think about it anymore"

it's not WORKING. hello?

that being said and done, do i alone know what to do? no. but i do know that someday i want to get out of this selfdestructive loop and live in harmony with the earth. someday i hope to do that. i am working towards that. i am TRYING to save my money so that someday i can have my own house with my own garden and not just be trapped in this consumer thing.
but for now YA, i am here and i'll make the best of it. i can't exactly have my own garden in my apartment and i can't exactly EAT if i don't use the roads to go to a place where there is food.

i'd like to see my money go towards helping people get out of this selfdestructive loop for the wellbeing of earth.

and i think that's going to take all of us helping not with MONEY but with our spirit to make earth a better place. just letting the government take care of it and just paying the government off so we can be absolved from the REAL work isn't working.

i'm not being SELFISH by saying i don't want my home ripped from under me. i'm saying I'D like to help the community out in a far better way than just throwing money at it at the detriment of people losing their houses. how can one ever be truly FREE if they don't haved a HOME that they CAN'T get kicked off of? isn't that what america is SUPPOSED to be about?

ana voog for president 2004!

happy birthday jacqui!!!!!! [29 Mar 2001|11:36am]
jacqui.livejournal.com

u are such a precious being!

[29 Mar 2001|02:39pm]
ironically, today i found out that i can have my relative's car who doesn't need it anymore! i am in shock and i hope to god i can afford the thing ( insurance, etc )
now i have a way to scout out the country and go visit communes so i can learn how they do it and all that! so, well now i have a reason to get my driver's license. then someday when i have my own garden and my own home with solar power i can park it in my garden and plant flowers in it. OR i could gut it out and park it in my house and put a bed inside it. OR it could be a cool dog house :)
but for now it's a car, a way for me to perhaps expand my ability to break AWAY from needing a car. i'm gonna go visit wyoming. yes, i am.
who knows...this is all new to me and i'm trying the best i can to get more independant.
i don't know what else to say! i'm working it out.
wow, this is really an intense time for me

maybe i'll do a "thelma and louise" thang this summer?
i can drive it out into the country and sing to my heart's content, i can experience night ALONE without fear, and can park it somewhere and do primal scream therapy, i could drive to the ocean and never come back!

i'm going to paint it pink

i recommend "smell the hitler" to be listened to while eating your cheerios :)

i got an oldsmobile cutlass supreme :) [30 Mar 2001|04:32pm]
woo hoo! i'm looking all over the net for information on them. they are good in races!

i need these and i need them RIGHT NOW (size 6) :) [30 Mar 2001|05:03pm]

http://www.wildfree.com/tukw4002.htm

http://www.wildfree.com/tukw4032.htm

*drool drool pant howl*