march 28th , 2003
past anagrams	menu	utb

RE-ADD ME TO YOUR FRIENDS LIST!

i did an incredibly stupid thing and accidentally turned my lj into a community. and when i turned it back into a personal journal, it purged me from your friends list if you had me listed as a friend. i am not on your friends list right now. so please readd me! what a huge drag. go here:

http://www.livejournal.com/friends/add.bml?user=ana

and you can click on a button to re-add me. i am sorry for this hassle. but not as sorry as i am for accidentally doing this! i guess the only positive of this is it gets rid of all the dead journals (people who have abandoned their journals) that linked to me, so everything will be more current. and there certainly were a lot of those.

10:47am

beauty and ugliness.
it's confusing to me when a person can create such beautiful things yet be such an ugly person. or...maybe more exactly...they contain in themselves great beauty and also great ugliness. we are all that way to an extent, i suppose. or we all have the potential to be like that. like salvador dali was a nazi sympathizer. or led zeppelin's guitarist was a huge mysogynist.
it makes me sad when these beautiful things are tainted when i find out that there is a huge ugliness inside them. i think, how can a person who holds that much hate inside make something so life affirming as that? how does that work out?

like talking about the war has brought out such ugliness in people i would have never thought had that in them. it confuses me. obviously, they are still beautiful people...beautiful for what you did see in them that is still there. and they still can make beautiful things. or do beautiful things. they are still capable of great love and tenderness.
but inside is this monster, too. something that is beyond opposite of what you thought they were. somehow they are both people. it's hard for me to merge that together into one person.
i have a hard time reconciling that.
and it's hard for me to ever see their beauty in the same light ever again.
although i really wish i could.

10:09am

wow. i am shaking.
i just went to check in on a journal of a person who i thought was a friend and found them saying horrible horrible things about me.
and not only that, then another person who i thought was my friend (but was acting weird around me for quite awhile...didn't know why) also saying horrible horrible things. i mean, as bad as it could get.
and then about 5 other people who i know hate my guts saying equally horrible things.
just absolute lies about me. and just weird how birds of a feather flock together.
weird how so many people who hate me can find each other in livejournalland as if they had homing devices to each other. absolutely wild how that works.
and i am just shaking and crying now.
i wrote to this person but i have a feeling from what they said that they will be happy i am feeling this way now. i am in utter shock. and just. i just feel awful.
i don't know why or how people can be so evil.
so full of hate.
and now i am paranoid that somehow this friends only post will make it into their hands and they will just laugh at me.

i haven't gone to sleep yet.
i am so tired. but my adrenalin is shooting through me and making me shakey and nauseous.

i mean, i'm used to people saying horrible things about me. as used to it as one could get. it still hurts.
but this....this one really really especially hurts.

1:09am

what i wore to the symphony.

 

12:48am