anagram 032502

[22 Mar 2002|11:11am]
jason and i have broken up again. this time i think it's for good. he took his cd player and gave me back the key to my house. i am in total shock and i feel just numb. staring like a zombie. i see my psychologist at 2:30pm today.
i can't write about it any more than that because i am just too much in shock.

[22 Mar 2002|06:24pm]
i miss the way he smells already. i want to crumble into his arms. i wonder if he his home from work. i wonder how he is feeling. i'm stuck in a nightmare i can't wake up from. i don't want to go to sleep tonight and then wake up tomorrow with that 1/2 a second of ok-ness before it hits you on the head that you're not together with your lover anymore. and then all of reality comes swooning in like 7 skies full of cement right into your heart.
i'm scared.

[23 Mar 2002|01:07pm]
thank you everyone for your positive thoughts. i wish i had even a smidgeon of energy to return to you what you have given me. but i am in a zombie-like state and the cogs of my brain are frozen. a good deal of last night and today jason and i tried to work things out. i am uncertain if things can be worked out, tho. but we both love each other very very much.
i can't type out any more than that. i have no energy.
i wish to god i had cable tv. that is what i need right now more than anything in the world.

[23 Mar 2002|05:52pm]
i just want this day to end.

[23 Mar 2002|08:14pm]
conclusion: not fixable. but who the hell knows what is up or down these days.
great sorrow. so many life changing decisions and conclusions these days. how i am still able to even keep going amazes me. i think i am still in shock. i haven't even cried yet. i feel too numb. maybe i am all cried out. i don't want to cry. i hate the crying stage. i hate all the stages. this fucking sucks royal ass. at least this was the most unbelievably civil break up i've ever had. so logical, rational, respectful, and full of love. i have never had anything like that.it just makes me love him all the more. god, this sucks. he is my best friend.

i'm watching ice skating. i want to go to bed early to make this day go away. but i know all that means is i will wake up earlier tomorrow and have an even longer day. there is just no way around it.

i have a lot of things to work out within myself now. as usual. it never really ends, does it? what will happen now?

[23 Mar 2002|08:22pm]
oh fuck...i think i feel the crying stage coming on....
do.not.want.to.cry.
too.exhausting.
creature creature
i am so sorry
i want to be snapped in.

i want to run over and knock on his door.
but i'm not going to.

[23 Mar 2002|08:51pm]
there really is no blame in why it did not work out.
we all try our best. we sure did try our best.
but life is a tricky beast.
and the way a person was raised really has so much to do with how you relate to people later on. not to lay the blame on our parents. we are adults now and can take responsibility for our actions.
still...it is hard to reprogramme our brains. it can be done , tho. jason and i know this. i respect him so much for knowing this. but even knowing this...how long can a person wait for the change in each other? there is no manual. i wish there was.
it's all so tricky and delicate.
all i know is he smells like home.he IS home. but he also hurts me and i hurt him.
no blame , tho.
no blame.
no shame
i have only love for him
he is amazing. maybe someday we will come together again.
i hope so.
but i cannot count on it.

[25 Mar 2002|11:08am]
jason and i are still trying to work things out. we're both pretty stubbon and love each other. and we are both scared to break up...but also scared to be back together.

i feel really anxious and discontent today, and my house is such a huge mess. i HAVE to clean it, but i'd rather just hide under the covers. but dammit, i just have to keep moving.

wrestled with paypal a lot today. they put a restriction on my account so that i couldn't get any money out or in. they said they had detected " unauthourized acitivity"...this woman was just a drone for the company and just kept telling me she didn't know what it was about. but in order to get the restriction off, i had to fax them a copy of my id, phone bill, bank statement...etc...and i'm like fuck that!
i said..look if there has been any unuathorized activity, then i want to know EXACTLY what this is! because that scares me! because then i would just like to close my account! she FINALLY looked into the acivity and saw that nothing suspicious HAD happened. i said all that's happened is that i changed my password because you TOLD me to! and now you are punishing me for this? and they said it was for my own good, and i said no it's NOT for my good at ALL there is MONEY in there i need to get out!
when she saw that there had been no suspicious activity ( which took her about 5 seconds ) then she changed her tune and put me in touch with a person who had the power to take off the restriction. and so, now i hope to god it will all work. GAAAA!!! paypal.

now...i must clean the kitchen....