anagram 03.19.99
(page 2 of 3)
12/30/88
Tuesday is the Day of War
Tuesday
is a girl on the floor
with legs spead wide to show inside
the dancer
Tuesday
is a girl , not a whore
her Cleopatra eyes fight for the answer
men slap dollars on
the floor
Tuesday shows them what it's for
her ruby lips say "thank you sir"
her mind throws knives into the blur
Somday she says she
will be free
to wear her black clothes all day long
in silence
Today
she draws on the wall, of the dressingroom
wearing nothing but silence
now she's dancing
on the stage
she smiles so sexy to hide her rage
a businessman puts money down
she gets on her knees to that funky sound
daddy save us all
1/1/89
One more year of the 80's. it's kinda weird because the 80's have been my whole
adolescense, rebellion, discovering music, New Romantics, Mod, Ed, The Blue
Up/, The 27 Various, The Dig, The Funseekers, bouffant hair, blue hair, white
and black hair, a black bob, Kathy McGowan hair, drunken binges, the house on
2828 37th Ave. S., 422 6th st, 26th Ave., 2809 Girard, Howie, London, 2 records,
leeaving school, funding myself, getting stronger, fighting nervousness, lsd,
no my wonderful Cris. What will the next year hold in store for me? Will i be
the spokesperson for the 90's? What will the 90's be? I will shape the 90's.
I'm ready.
1/14/89
I have been reading a lot lately. The Chronicles of Narnia and magic books.
I am trying to learn a lot about magic and witchcraft. I am pretty excited about
all of the possibilities. I've been feeling more creative. Trying to do little
art projects. Organizing a lot. Cleaning, getting rid of things. I feel pretty
good but i have stressful dreams. I am working again. It's not as bad as i thought
it would be--coming back, but it's a very stupid job nonetheless. I feel very
business like and matter of fact, on top, but very emotional underneath. I don't
realize it until i have dreams and cry. Crying and laughing all of the sudden
when i didn't even know i was tense. I stay in my room mostly and i'm a hermit.
I only see CRis. I hesitate to sink myself into him fully though, since i did
that with Ed and had no friends. But i really don't have many. My choice? i'm
picky, i know. I feel very motivated in my life right now. I'm very determined
to get myself out of this situation and be FREE. I'm paying back my bills now
and then i'll save for London. I can't wait but i will miss Cris. He should
be back from work soon at Tony Roma's. I've been playing with fire a lot in
my ashtray and it calms me down quite a bit. I feel i am making progress, but
i fear i'm too much of a hermit and too stuffy. But i think it's just my messy
atmosphee i live in. People are slobs. I'm trying to just avoid it.
1/18/89
cris' 26th birthday!
1/23/89 3:44am
Today i started making rough mixes of my record. Tomorrow, hopefully( i better!),
i will finish it. I could possibly press from the mixes I've made. It sounds
so good. I'm very pleased. There are mistakes here and there but nothing major.
I like little mistakes anyway to add to the warmer human feel. I worked all
last week a lot. I owe so much money. Just paid Cris $180, $0 for gas, $310
to Tom Roberts, $50 for Cris' birthday, etc. I still owe $300 to Tom and $500
by tomorrow, $135 rent, new bills, $60 to John Kass for buying back my amp.
My rent will be late again. I can't wait until i can start saving for London
and to live for 6 months there.. When i come back, I'll pay back my mom %500.
It's a bitch!. I need about $5,000. I guess in 3 months of work I saved 3,000
and bought a heck of a lot of other things and spent lots of money, so i should
be able to save $5,000 or around that in 2 months. So i will work Febuary and
March then go to London in April. That's a good month. Seems like Spring is
always the time i think about London. Well, I think about it all of the time,
actually, but Spring especially. Then i play Robyn Hitchcock records and get
antsy. I'm going to send Robyn a tape of my record and ask him "where is
Howie?". I sent him a letter but he hasn't written back. Does he still
live in the same place? Robyn should know. I'd like to see what he's up to.
If i went to London and got signed I would totally flip out. I would cry and
scream like some raving weirdo on a game show. My handwriting is getting awfully
sloppy. Maybe this is my true me. Maybe this is my true me. Maybe this is my
true me( as i try different styles of handwriting). Who am i? who am i? Lots
of people for sure. I painted one of my chairs the other day ( I only have one!).
It's blue and black weird..i cannot explain it. Just gottaee it. Cris is meditating
on a candle or something. I bought this cool book on Indian region on CRis'
birthday. I want to get a book on the I Ching, too. Now he's kissing my butt.
I hope i can make it through two more months of work wihout going insane. I
will be truly amazed if I do it. I really doubt i will, but i want to badly
get this whole thing over wih so when i get back I don't have to work or worry
about money for some time.
I painted my lamp.
I made a plastic Celtic cross necklace that Seth now wears ( cris' plaster demon).
I'm Starting a playdough and glue collage thing. Painting my heater ( Cris started
it), Painted Alice ( my mannequin), finished one of Cris' paintings for him.
I bought a Teardrop Explodes and Damon Edge record today. Daman Edge sounds
like Chrome and Teardrop sounds like Madness. Cris is attacking my body..mmmmm.
I'm hungry and tired but i feel strong. I don't know how i'm doing it or where
i'm getting my energy. It's insane.
Cris and I had exquisitely vicious gentle sex last night. He's incredible. Gotta
go as you can see. My brain is------------.
1/24/89 2:31am
well, i didn't finish mixing the damn album today, so next Tuesday ( today is
Monday). Tomorrow i work in Mankato with another week of mostly Skyway and Payne
Reliever. Yay. I owe Tom now $440, so i better make it this week. My brain is
fried once again. Bye.
2/3/89 3:15am
January 31st i finished mixing Sgt.Sorrow. It felt weird. A few days before
i cried because it's scary to have something you'vebeen working so hard for
be all of a sudden done. It's like your kid growing up and leaving home. I talk
to Cris mosttly about all of this so by the time i write about it, i don't feel
like writing about it. Anyway, works been boring as hell, nothing new.I finally
paid up all my bills except $60 to john Kass and $500 to my mom. I'm wondering
if i can handle working for much longer. It's getting to me. Nightmares all
the time, headaches, stomache aches, colds. Cris is stressed not having a car
to get around. I wish someone would give me 3,000 now. My life woul be beautiful.
It's freezing outside. I'm getting damn sick of winter. I want to leave. If
i go to London I am going to miss Cris like crazy. I really want to go but I'm
starting to maybe not want to mostly because of the stress of getting all this
money and I will miss Cris. Or maybe I'm getting nervous about being let down
when i get there. Spending all that money and not getting anywhere. It bums
me out thinking about that. I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll send off a lot
of tapes in America 1st, see what happens and if nothing...go to Europe. I don't
know but I'm sick of the stress of coming up with money. It's recking my brain.
Cris says i even look older lately. I don't want that to happen to me. Breaking
up with Ed and having that terrible summer already put a lot of age on me. Augh.
Augh. I want to dye my hair how i want and dress how i want and be who i am,
let my hair grow back on my crotch and wear clothes and only work 20 hours a
week instead of 60 and get home before 2 or 3 in the morning and never deal
with icky rude men again. Gross.
Now i'm on the last yellow page of this journal. I hate this horrible yellow
colour. I'm tired. I hate waking up at 10am to call Cill then try to get back
to sleep again. I just lie there for three hours having a stomache ache and
weird and half dreams. I want to move out of this house, too, and get a place
with Cris that i can keep clean and quiet. Except then I'd really be a hermit.
I never talk to anyone except Cris. I never answer the phone or return calls
or write anybody a letter, even Mom or Dad, and i feel terrible about lying
to them about this job. That adds to my stress because I don't want to talk
to them in case they ask about my job, which they always do. I feel so crummy.
THis job is starting to be really degrading to me and my brain and everything.
he other women that do it are so stupid mostly, but they all hate it, too. So
many say they cry. Virgil is Evil and Cill can be such a crab, although usually
i get along with her. She's quite misguided, actually. But i have to stick this
out or I'll be pissed at myself. Just two more months at the most. I couldn't
handle it after that. I'm surprised I've made it this far.
Oh, and Virgil wants me to design a new businesscard for him. Pretty funny.
2/12/89 12:35am
I finally made it to the purple paper of this journal. Thank god. I was getting
so sick of that yellow. I'm listening to Pink Floyd's More and picking up my
room a bit. I worked at the LOchness and Payne Reliever today. I made about
$87 in tips all day but i only have $17 left over after paying $10 for bills,
$15 for this coat on hold, $7 for fried rice, $4 for a taco salad, $5 for gas
to people, $10 for a cab, $15 to make next month's rent, .50 for a pop, $3 for
a joint, $20 to stick back in my wallet to get me through the next few days
off. It's always like that. It's hard to save money.
I cut my hair ( cris did) yesterday, so now it's just a bob to my chin again
since my hair was breaking up.
2/12/89 6:05pm
It's Sunday and goshdarnit it a Beatles A-Z weekend on KQ92 I'm burning fires
in my ashtray and Cris just left for work which he's depressed about. I'm depressed
because Cris is. We're sick of our jobs. Cris decided he'd rather be poor than
and happy than go back to wprk at Andersen Windows. I agree. But I don't know
what I'm going to do when I get back from England. My job makes so much money,
it's going to be difficult to go back to earning only $100 a week or less when
i make that in a day. But I'll decide what to do when i get back, I guess. At
least it's starting to get dark later. It's 6 now and it's not pitch black yet.
I have to work at the Skyway at 9 this evening. THank GOd that's my only show
today, thenn 2 days off. Now they're playing "Let It Be". I love that
song. I haven't been playing my guitar plately. I don't know what direction
to take musically since finishing Sorrow. My job doesn't make for the best conditions
in my mind to write songs. Maybe an aucoustic 20's jazz waltz soft-show thang.
Sure. Sorrow was so complicated. Maybe something simpler. Maybe something more
complicated. I will have to wait and see what comes out of me. It will be interesting
and scary to see. I feel like i'm going through a slight identity crisis or
something.
Kleenex doesn't burn well but smolders a lot when crumpled. But herbalife Arthritis
Pain Reliever is very flammable.
I don't like Paul McCartney's Little Richard stuff. I hate Little Richard. It's
very smoky in my room. Don't try to put out wax with water. Cris tried it and
it was a 4 foot fire from my 4" ashtray. We were freaking. It melted some
scarves hanging from my ceiling and the rug and the bed started on fire. Cris
just sat there with a glass of water staring at it as i screamed instructions
to him in the nude. "CRIS CRIS THE BED!!!!"
love love me do...
so pleeeeeeeeeeease....
2/19/89
A few days ago i brought my synthesizer in to sell. I've been calling Tom L
about my hammond organ every few days because he's had it since last July. I'm
quite irritated at that. I might sell my Rickenbacker bass to David L, my roomate.
But i don't want to. I've saved $200 for London, but now i might use it to live
in the summer then work my job again in the Fall for three more months to do
it the way i want. I want to go to Amsterdam, London, Berlin, Dublin and Paris
while I'm over there. But i'm going to go to Oregon in a few weeks to visit
Cris' Dad at his hotel and take a break for awhile. Then if I feel rested I'll
go back to work, if not I'll take the summer off and bake in the sun, etc. Maybe
get a part-time job for the heck of it for extra cash. I just about quit the
other day when my LOchness got cancelled because they requested some other girls
for this party..anyway, so that day i only had a 10:00 Skyway show...i just
confirmed that. Cill tried to get me other shows but i said "no" so
she hung up on me. No big deal, she always does that. But when i got to my Skyway
show she had filled it! I was so steaming mad..not only that but Tori, who i
hate passionately, sat there and bragged, as she always does, about how much
money she had made at the LOchness, etc. I got back at her though 'cause Juliette
got paid a half a hundred dollar bill and she gave it to me because it's useless.
Well, Tori found out she has the other 1/2 and I told Tori " Oh Gee, sorry
Tori. I have the other 1/2 of your Hundred and i shellaced it to my guitar case."
BOy, her mouth dropped. Fucking bitch. Now she says to me today "every
time i see your face I get reminded that the other 1/2 of my 100 is on your
guitar case". I laughed. I hate her. I know it's bad, but fuck it. She
pisses me off. She is an evil selfish disgusting coke whore. Fuck her. I got
kicked out of Lochness now because they say i go there too much. Right. It's
because of my tits. Mitch was bugging me about getting a tit job again. I'm
not totally against it but I'd rather spend 3,000 on something else, not to
mention he 2,000 I'd lose from not working a month.
I fell happy right now 'cause i have two days off now. Tomorrow I see Kristin
A. for the 1st time in 1 1/2 years.
We're going to the Lotus. And tuesday, the next day, my band is getting photos
done. I sure hope Duchess comes up with the money for that since I'm not going
to pay for every damn thing in this band. I'm going to try to get my driver's
license this summer, too. This summer I want to get a lot of things done. I
hope i will. I'm on a roll. Last year was absolutely a sluff off drunken binge.
Cris and I went and bought a lot of herbs at Prsent Moment. Cris bought me a
lot of candles for Valentine's Day and the other day he bought the I Ching for
me. What a Sweetie! I Love Him!
ooooooooooo! 8:37pm
2/20/89
Today I didn't do a damn thing except get up by 3, go to the Lotus to eat with
Kristen which was nice, then lay about a lot being in love with Cris which is
maddening maddening maddening because i want to such much to be inside of him
where he is. He's so warm and smells so good. I've decided to postpone London
till Fall or Winter or whenever and take my summer off gleefully and joyfully.
Lay in the sun. I'm going to go to Oregon in 3 weeks so i only have to work
3 more weeks, then no more work for a long time. I'm So excited i can hardly
stand it. I've had a headache for days. I need a break badly. and i'm addicted
to coca-cola!. i ate 11 fortune cookies today and they all said good things.
Cris is so cute. I'm in Love LOve Love!!!!! aaaaaaaaaugh!!! I've been eating
gummi bears lately. I'm so happy to think I'll be done with work in three weeks!
YAY YAY YAY !!!!!!!!!! Cris says "nuts are good! mmmmm!"
i say my headache is still there but at least I see the end in sight.
2/23/89 2:02am
I am irritated by my house ( the people in it!). It is messy and drunk. Everyone
is getting on each others nerves and the only time Bob will come out and talk
about something that is bothering him is when he is drunk. People are messy
( james). Then Bob gets on Cris and I's case about it and asks us what WE'VE
been doing around the house when we pick up after ourselves and the only reason
people are pissed at us is because we aren't downstairs smoking pot and drinking,
so that means we are stuck-up. We're in love, we pay the fucking bills. I'm
so angry at being stressed out all day then coming home and having shit dumped
on me. I just walked out and slammed the door on drunken Bob assaulting me about
how I don't take my phone calls. He's such a fucking martyr, it makes me sick.
He does all the work around the house then feels satisfied that he's a martyr.
It's gross. I am REALLY pissed off!!! I'm always tired but my mind is hyper.
I have to take a sleeping pill to get to sleep. I'm irritated, hyper, my brain
is mush but I can't stop THINKING about nothing. I'm listening to The Magical
Mystery Tour real quiet. waiting for me to get tired or something.
Strawberry Fields Forever.
I wish.
I can't WAIT to get
the FUCK out of this FUCKING job. I want to get away from this FUCKING HOUSE.
Sit by the mountains by the sea in the air breathing. Get myself the FUCK out
of here NOW NOW NOW!!!!!!!
Everything is irritating me. EVERYTHING ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I'M GONNA CHOP
SOMEBODY'S HEAD OFF!!!!!! I"M FUCKING BORED OUT OF MY MIND BORED BORED
BORED BORED BORED FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU YES YOU ALL OF YOU YOU TOO YOU TOO
YES EVEN YOU YES YOU AS WELL CAN JUST FUCK OFF.
3/1/89 12:32am
I hate my job. I hate my roomates. I hate winter. I hate Minneapolis. I hate
Minnesota. I hate the radio. I hate this year so far. I hate the state of the
world. I hate AMERIKA america. David, Bob and Bill are sexist pigs. 99% of all
men suck their own dick. 99% of all women are stupid and do not stand up for
themselves and these dick monsters. I only have three days left of work! I hope
i can handle it that far. Fuck Partytime. Fuck Cill. Fuck Virgil.
I finally told Mom what i did. She came down here a few days ago and she can
see throug me so well. I cannot lie to her. Surprisingly, she took it well.
It was such a load off my mind! She said "Don't tell Dad, though!".
I love my mom so much, she's the absolute best. And she brought me brwonies
and gum and vogue magazines and pink socks and my bunny slippers and the duck!
What a mom! I love her so much! I just wish I didn't owe her $200. I'm listening
to the Stranglers "Dreamtime".
3/4/89 2:21am
Today was Robyn H's birthday. Yesterday I quit work. It seems like ages ago.
I called up and said that I sprained my ankle and had to cancel my shows. So
now i have to get a Dr.s excuse or they'll fine me. I woke up at 6am and just
decided "fuck it". Then I felt weird and uneasy. Slept until Three
pm after falling aslep finally by about 11am. Then when Cris and I got up we
got into a huge argument because we were both uptight. I just lost it and threw
everything around my room and then cried all day long and felt dazed and lost.
Today was much better. Cris and I are fine and there's a snowstorm. Lots of
snow! I got my pictures i took for for the Sgt. Sorrow book. It made me in a
good mood to do something constructive again. The pictures turned out fabulous.
I have no money once again. Only $30 till the end of the month and it's only
the 3rd and I still have a few more things to get to do my book and i really
want to buy some pot and have money to spend in Oregon. Oh, well.
Back to the poor old thing. I guess i can handle it for now, but it hasn't sunk
in yet that I don't have to work for awhile and I have no money.
3/7/89
Today ( i always staet out with "Today") I did band photos with Renee
and Duchess. We did them at the Walker. I hope they turn out ok. Duchess told
me she's 5 months pregnant and Renee told me she's 2 weeks late. Great, fucking
wonderful. The Blue Up? BLEW UP!
I don't know, if Renee is pregnant again, things look pretty dire. Duchess,
i guess, that's pretty bad, too. But I really need Renee. I don't know it's
all kind of a bummer but i guess i'm used to it. All of a sudden it seems that
kids are creeping into my life. I don't know why things can never run smoothly
in my life. Also, money is slipping through my hands and i have a lot less of
it than i thought i would. It looks like I'm going to have to get a job right
when i get back from Oregon. DRag. DRag. DRag. The bass i just bought has a
faulty pick-up and even though the KNut is going to pay half I still have to
come up with about $70 to fix it. PLus band photos, tapes, stamps, envelopes
which is about $150 worth of stuff. I'm having a hard time getting money out
of my band members since they don't have it, but I'm the only one thinking about
selling clothes and records or my body to try and come up with money. It's so
hard to always have to rely on yourself to get anything done, then they all
get a free ride.
Cris has NOT been getting along with the household which is extremely stressful
for me 'cause I'm stuck in the middle. And we can't move out 'cause we have
no money. Isn't it a drag? Everyone's insane. Bob has flipped because i put
chili in his Holy Megaswig cup. It has "special meaning", he says.
"O.K. B.O.B."
I'm becoming addicted to coca cola. I saw Brenda and Ellen yesterday. We went
to Pepitos. Brenda's only back from El Salvador for a week. Then it's off being
a revolutionary again. We certainly need some sort of revolution against this
Grateful Dead Benelton MTV Pepsi George Michael New Age Industrial Acid House
Apathy Disco shit. 1989 is so far a very buttfuckin' year. I like this pen ,
though.
yay.
you pal and mine,
Ra
?
3/9/89
questions i asked the I ching:
1)What should I do
about Duchess?
2)Is it benificial for me to have Duchess in my band?
3) Is duchess going to hinder the progress of my band?
4) shoud i look for different members for my band?
5) Should I move to London?
6) Why am i being held back in Minneapolis?
7) How can I learn Humility?
8) What is my duty in life?
9) Wil my record Sgt. Sorrow be very successful in getting noticed by thousands
of people?
10) Is it bad karma to be a stripper?
11) What is the direction I should take with my band?
12) How do i prevent other people's tension from becoming mine?
13) What do i do?
3/30/89
I went to Oregon and now I'm back. The ocean was beautiful. Sometimes we didn't
get along with Cris' dad over looks, beliefs and such. It was weird and unrealistic
in many ways. It was nice to get away though 'cause now things seem a little
( and i mean a little) bit more new here. I still want to move out of this house.
It's desolate. cold, and unhomey. It used to be so comfortable downstairs but
now it's just beer bottles, bongs and catshit. Cris' cat Spot is still at his
mom's house since vacation and I miss him. I can't wait to move out of here
and get a place with Cris. A nice home all comfortable with plants and Spot.
My synth finally sold at $250 so I lost $300 on that. Still, it's money. Don't
have a job. Don't wanna job. So many new age stores in Ashland. Some Aquarian
thing happening here even if it's still pretty gross and commercial so far.
Sick of my hair colour. Got a lot of occult books in Ashland. Thinking about
that sort of thing. Getting in touch with nature more. I was so happy at the
ocean, like a child playing. The wind, the rain..but my crab got smashed on
the way home.