march 19th , 2003
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5:05pm

i'm trying to stop crying.
i'm trying to eat something.
i'm making a bath.
i leave in an hour and 1/2 .
i hope i can pull myself together.
i think i almost have and then i start crying again.

4:29pm

ah, it feels good to laugh :)
http://content.mg2.org/safety/

3:52pm

jason and i have tickets to go see a concert tonight but i just don't know how i will be able to concentrate on it knowing that we are going to be bombing people while i can sit in some club and have a beer.

3:03pm
"I feel sorrow. It's like waiting for somebody to come and slaughter you. We have paid dearly for something we haven't done," said Jihad Hashem, 50, an engineer, one of a few people whose family had left for Syria. "I don't understand why do we have to go through this again."

(news.yahoo.com)

12:11am

feeling so intense that i feel blank.

i should just stop typing about this war for awhile, if not altogether. this whole thing gets me so worked up i just want to scratch my eyes out and that isn't a very good thing for anyone. i don't want to get caught up in the spiral of hate and i am. i just get so angry i cannot even put it into words correctly. but at least i am not going out and shooting anyone about it, and that is good.
this war is just so utterly evil and illogical and so many people seem just absolutely brainwashed about it. it makes me feel like i am in some sort of surreal orwellian movie. it feels like the book 1984 to me and i just want to SCREAM out as loud as i can to find others who think as i do so we can all go huddle somewhere and crochet or something.
but i don't want to sit here and spout negative shit into the world. no one needs that. although i do think that SOMEONE has to say the things i do sometimes because i really do feel that there are far too many people walking around who need to be deprogrammed from this war machine that has been created. i find it so beyond horrific how fast hate can spiral out of control. how fats a mob mentality can whip up and people don't even question things or see the big picture. i find it amazing that people think this will be a quick war (as is that makes it alright anyway...just because it's at least quick). sure , the bombing willl be quick. but we are all going to feel this for years and years. this is just the beginning of a new dark age, i feel.
on one hand i feel the things i am saying need to be said.
on the other hand, sometimes it gets too intense for me and doesn't feel at all good and i feel i would be better off just BEING peaceful rather than feeling i am fighting against a mob mentality.
but then it all builds up in me and i just have to go on a typing rampage!
but now i don't know how good i feel having typed it all out because i guess sometimes it makes me feel even more alone than if i had just not even talked about it.
the world is just insane to me right now and there is just so much hate and not enough love.
of course i am not even talking about loving things in here right now. so it's partly my fault, too, there is not love around me right now as much as i'd like there to be.
and part of me wants to watch this war on tv so i know what is going on.
but part of me wants to turn off all things like that and live in a peaceful world as much as i possibly can , since i have that luxury.
what GOOD can it possibly do for me to watch this thing on tv?
i don't know.
i am in such a quandry and i just feel sick.

and while some people are planning out their elaborate menus for watching the bombs drop on tv lik ethe fucking superbowl. these are the people who will be killed:

""Pregnant women who can afford it are having cesarian sections so there babies will not be born during the bombing. Women are afraid they will not be able to make it to a hospital, or if they are the hospital staff will be overwhelmed with war casualties and will not have medical personnel to assist with deliveries. But the birth just gives cause for a different set of fears. Will there be clean water to care for the new child, will there be food available, will there be gas for cooking and sterilization, electricity? And the most likely answer is, no.

I spoke with the assistant director at the hospital I visit yesterday and he said that these c-sections births are very dangerous for mother and child. To begin with, the babies are not ready to be born yet, so they are at greater risk for health problems. They are less immune to disease, less able to absord nutrients, and are likely to have breathing difficulties. And of course, the mothers are at greater risk for post operative problems such as infections and bleeding.

He also said that many of the mothers who have children undergoing cancer treatments will stop the treatments and take their children home now. Most of the women have other children at home and feel they must return home to care for them during war. They feel it is better to allow their sick child to die rather than risk their other children being killed in a bombing. Can you imagine being forced to make such a choice. From what I have seen, these children in the hospital don't stand much of a chance anyway since all the needed medications are rarely available, but being forced to discontinue the treatments that are available is simply obscene."

how can i NOT say something?
and how can i NOT hold every single person in the military responsible for this? i don't fucking CARE if you were poor and underpriviledged and so you needed to join the army to broaden your possibilities. FUCK YOU!
does that make it ok to END every single possibility for thousands of innocent people? does that make it ok then rip souls out of people's bodies and banish them from the earth? at what age are you morally and ethically responsible?
how broad are your possibilities now? how's that college education helping you out now as your face gets ripped in half and your holding your buddies guts in your hand. what makes you think it's ok to broaden your possibilities by crushing those of others?
you DO have a choice. every single person has the choice to STOP. RIGHT NOW. PERIOD. no one can force you to kill. not even a stupid president.
and if you kill an innocent person for the reason that you are scared to go to jail if you do, then FUCK YOU. fuck you for being such a coward.
fuck you for helping throw this earth into a new dark age. fuck you for making this planet HURT.
when it really comes down t it, it's not bush who is the true evil .it's the evil of every single one of those people in the military with their little fingers and those little triggers because THEY are the ones who hold the TRUE power of life and death in their hands.

fuck you PROSTITUTING YOUR BODY so that others can use your body as a puppet for mass killing. and fuck you for thinking that is at all acceptable thing to do for a meager college education.

it's all so easy for us to put all the blame on bush so we don't have to face the fact that our sons, daughters, fathers, best friends, lovers, neighbours are MURDERERS.
because that isn't easy to stomache, is it? that isn't something we want to face is it? because they are people we LOVE.

how can i NOT say this????
how can i stand by while this is happening and not say this?