march 15th , 2003
past anagrams	menu	utb

 

7:02pm

my mom is up to her old tricks again. guilting me out. confusing my mind. playing passive aggressive games.
we had a civil email correspondence for about a month and i thought , just a little bit, that perhaps there is hope.
but then *wham* she went right back int criticizing me and doing a total mindfuck on me.
i just wish for ONCE my mom would grow and and BE THE MOM.
but she won't. she just wants to remain an abusive whiny selfish emotional tyrant.
when i talk to her i feel like i am talking to someone who is 3 years old and having a temper tantrum.

this feeling of not having a mom, but having one that just whittles away at any sort of logic and self esteem i might have has just made me a nervous wreck again.
i can't eat or sleep. i can't stop thinking about it. i can't stop feeling so utterly confused and betrayed. my stomache is acidic and i feel shaky all over.

and i can't stop thinking about this war. i swear i can just feel the tension and sorrow and evilness of it humming away in every cell in my body.

i'm trying to just keep it together. trying to just stay on top of daily things like cleaning , etc and not just fall into a huge shivering fearful slump.

i don't really want to be awake today. i can't wait until this day is over with.