anagram 031502

pooka and his obession with the obsidian orb

[12 Mar 2002|12:52pm]
does anyone know if they will be replaying that 9-11 documentary? i missed it :(

[12 Mar 2002|03:12pm]
i see my psychologist in 1 hour and 15 minutes. i'm so nervous because everything i say costs 2 dollars a minute or whatever she charges. and how do i fit it all in? and will this really even help me? it seems i work things pretty well out on my won. but....just in case i dion't...i'm going.....god, i just hate that clock ticking away and then the session being over. i think sessions should be at least 2 hours long....or longer. 50 minutes just whizzes by and then i just feel so...like...freaked that i just spent that much money on it. i wish i had worked out an outline of what to say. i guess it will come to me. i really should have written something out tho...she wanted me to when i saw her a year ago...i will try to write something out for next time. i wish i had an unlimited supply of money so i didn't have to feel so nervous about how long my therapy takes and how much money it's costing. god, that would be such a great feeling just knowing i didn't feel like i had to rush anything and cram it all in as fast as i could. augh.

i'm gonna go take a bath now.

[12 Mar 2002|06:21pm]
it went well. i see her again next week. that's all i can type right now 'cause i'm all talked out. must vedge with the tv now.
10 comments|post comment

ok, i wrote my mom.... [12 Mar 2002|07:00pm]
this:
"mom, i don't want to talk to you right now.
about anything. and i don't want to explain it or justify it to you.
that's all i have to say right now to you.
i hope that things are well in your world.
love,
R"

i think that makes that boundry very clear. and that's that.

one thing about seeing my psychologist,( i'll just call her "P" now on because i hate typing that whole word out), was that she said it was good that it was feeling mad at my parents and that she was even mad hearing about it. and that made me feel acknowledged and good about that. and i asked her if it was ok that i needed her acknowledgement...to make sure that i wasn't being some sort of wimp for needing it, and she said, no that it was fine.

she seemed to know a lot about children of narcissists and also about post traumatic stress disorder. i feel very comfortable with her. but i still feel like a spaz , too. i told her that i was confused and needed her to take the lead a bit because she was asking me what i wanted and what i needed and i just said...just help me out here....i don't kow...i need coping skills, i need to learn how to set boundries, i need to learn to trust people, etc.

so in the next session i hope that she will take the lead and help me. her first suggestion was that she thinks i need to talk about my parents more. which i do.

i had so much more to tell her, but i couldn't fit it all in an hour.

i like her because she seems compassionate. she's not cold or distant. she's not all huggy huggy either...but she is very present..and she can keep up with me talking very fast and seems to be able to comprehend fully everything i'm saying.

it's so funny that my mom had to see a shrink about her parents and now here i am doing the same thing.

she said it sounds like my parents don't give a rat's ass about me. and just to hear someone say that was a relief to me. it made me feel less crazy. it seemed that she could see it clearly and i need someone to see it for me because i am so confused.

i mean, i know my parent's care about me in the best way they know how...but ya...they really don't give a rat's ass either.

actually tonight i see my dad at 10pm just for a sec. he's going to a concert and coming over afterwards to pick up this book i bought for him. we talked on the phone yesterday, but we talked about what movies we had seen recently.

i asked dad what i should write my about her question, " are you mad at me?" and his answer was that i could just ignore that question and not answer it. just skip over it and talk about the headboard. i thought that was just really weird. he was so flippant about it. like there was no doubt in his mind that it is absolutely ok to pretend that someone didn't ask you a question. then i realized that's what he does to me all the time.

i think that in some circumstances that is ok...like if the question is from a stranger and is inappropriate or none of their business...but if your mom asks if you are mad...or when i ask my dad if he remembers us ever spending time together when i was a child...to simply pretend that the question was never asked makes the person who asked the question feel completely invalidated and crazy. at least that's how i feel when he does that to me.

so that is why i decided to answer my mother regarding her question. i had to say SOMETHING. i don't want to be like my dad in that way.

[13 Mar 2002|08:02am]
is the 2nd epeisode of "the osbournes" on tonight?

[13 Mar 2002|09:16am]
i saw my dad last night. he stopped by after a concert and of course when i see him any anger i have just melts away and i just think he is the cutest dad on earth and i want to put my head in his lap and just be a little girl again. but that doesn't happen, but he does give me a hug. i gave him his book and he loved it. i also gave him a moonpie, which he had never heard of before and that surprised me.
i also showed him some of my art i've been doing and he liked one the wallhangings i did and so i gave it to him. i was so happy that he liked it enough to actually want it. that made me feel good. he also thought the upsidedown deiter dog book was funny :)
so, it was a good thing to see him and we didn't discuss anything heavy. but at leastr with my dad, there is a large variety of subjects we have in common and like to talk about, so it's not a totally shallow and void conversation like i have with my mom, which she and i have almost nothing in common except that, strangley enough, she likes to watch those reality tv shows ( and then bash everyone about how stupid they all are ).
my dad just saw "dancer in the dark" so i'm so glad he finally saw bjork and how brilliant she is. my dad and i love movies and talking about movies or new books we'veseen or read about. we also like to watch the same tv shows like the sopranos and elimidate ( go figure ).
even tho my dad is neglectful of my emotions and anything heavy that goes on with me, at least he is good "friend" material in as much as that we always can have great conversations about interesting topics and we can share lots of insights about life, as long as the life we are talking about is not directly related to ours.
so, i'll take what i can get in that department and be glad that he is not a 4 headed vile spewing dollhead like my mother can be.

but i miss my mom so much, too. it's so hard for me not to call her and just take her back in and sweep everything under the carpet and go shopping with her or whatever. i mean, she really IS fun to hang around with and do girly girl things with. i have had so much fun with her in my life, too....which makes it so hard for me when she is mean. it makes it hurt all that much more. we used to be almost like best friends at one time. but all that was before i had a webcam...and that really just changed her ways towards me. it's not ALL because of the webcam...but it is the cam that really brought out that side of her that didn't show itself as often as it does now. she also really changed a lot when she got married to her current husband. i guess it really did just gradually change...but when i had sex on the internet for the first time and ended up in newsweek because of it and all that...man...the shit really hit the fan and never really stopped from that point on.

who knew that having a cam would so alter my life in such good ways and such bad ways. who knew the internet would ever even exist? in 1996 i sure would have never known that here is where i'd be and this is what i'd be doing. what a trip.

i think i'll go back to bed now.

SNOWBIENT with Ousia :) [13 Mar 2002|12:24pm]
i want to remind everyone that this sunday at the 7th st. entry, jason will be playing with his band Ousia ( pronounced oo-see-ah ) and the details are here:

http://www.snowbient.com

lots of cool other bands and djs are going to be playing also. this is Ousia's cd release party and they have not played for years and who knows when they will again! when they play they really put on a show. they have made incredible space robot costumes and beautiful light display that cannot be really described but must be experienced :)
i'm not just saying this because jason is my boyfriend, but they ARE my VERY favourite local band and there is just nothing around to compare to them! the whole 7th st. entry will be decked out ina very spacy way and the whole event will just make you smile and smile if you go. it's very laid back and it's a wonderful EXPERIENCE with sound and vision :) this is what started me falling in love with jason is the first place as we played a show together and that was the first time we met in person :)

anyway, i highly recommend going and tell your friends! because this will quite possibly never happen again and it's a very unique experience!

PUSSY TV ( original book for sale on ebay now )
[13 Mar 2002|02:37pm]
CLICK HERE TO SEE PUSSY TV FOR SALE NOW ON EBAY
or enter: item #: 1713307497 when you get to ebay

PUSSY TV by ana clara voog of anacam.com this is the original copy of the book by which all the others were made, each page laminated ( 87 laminated pages=174 pix ) with 40 more pictures on non laminated pages ( but printed on glossy photo quality paper ), 32 of which are not contained in the other versions of pussytv and are only in this book. so that's 214 pictures in all, some of them painted on by me, ana. these pictures are from my cam ( anacam.com ) from it's beginning in 1997 until now. this book is not a celebration of pussy, it is a sexually graphic, darkly hilarious, sometimes painful photographical journal/journey of mine as i try to grasp...how do i say it..."what on earth is the deal with pussy in this society and how does my pussy fit into it all and WHY?" i don't know how to explain it any better than that, as i'm still working through it, and probably always will be. this book is bound together with golden pipe cleaners and metal cogs and with 8 of my hair extensions ( with my real hair woven in ) to serve as decoration and also as a bookmark. and autographed by me in gold pen. this is a one of a kind book and there will never be another! to whoever wins this book i will write a personal note to that person in the book, as there are several blank pages i've put in there specifically for that purpose. the money i make from this book will help me pay to see my psychologist :) i will ship worldwide. buyer pays shipping cost. i accept personal cheque, money order or paypal. happy bidding!

[13 Mar 2002|05:11pm]
my mother just called me on the fucking phone!!!!!!!!!!!!! can u BELIEVE her complete disregard for my boundries???? she left a message on my machine saying she hoped to talk to me sometime. UNREAL!!!!
i'm going to change my phone number if she keeps that up. UNFUCKINGREAL.
i am mean i was EXPLICIT that i did not want to talk to her. and i was explicit that i would only communicate with her through email ( or a letter ).
FUCK. WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thingie
2002-03-13 20:55 (from 216.244.44.14) (link)
I will never stop slapping her.

it also appears that your dad still allows himself to be a total tool.

ana
2002-03-13 21:06 (from 208.42.90.101) (link)
yes, he sure does. and he was like "don't call your mom names for ME" as IF.
and he said why don't you just talk to me about it? i said DAD you don't even answer my questiosn i ask you in email! you won't discuss any of this with me! and he said but he would listen. and i said but i want a DIALOGUE! i a SORRY that i have a more public life. i mean, he should be glad i'm not woody allen and putting all these family situations into movies that sell worldwide. he's like tell your psychologist. and i'm like i AM!!! DUH!!!
i said this is MY WAY! i am working through this and this is my way. if there is anything in there that makes someone uncomfortable maybe they should examine their life and see what it is that they did to make it be that way.
and i'm not PERFECT. maybe someday i will look back on that and see that as a mistake. i don't know. but she IS a vile spewing 4 headed doll. there is just no other way to say it for me! that is how i see it! these are my parents they have IMPACTED my life. they cannot simply DELETE the impact they have had on my life. SORRY that they give birth to an artist...a writer...if it's not gonna be in my journal then it's gonna end up in a painting or a book or a song. if you don't want to be in my art...then don't impact my life.

and what's sad is people NEED to read the stuff i write, i feel. this shit is ALWAYS so hush hush and left in the dark. little family secrets that fester. then no one talks about it and then we all feel crazy because we are isolated from being able to speak of OUR experiences!

it's MY EXPERIENCE. i have the right to write about it.

god. my mom calling my dad turning on the old cryworks. what a manipulative person.

"do it for ME" god THAT is so manipulative and guilt trippy, too.

FUCK THAT SHIT.

thingie
2002-03-13 21:14 (from 216.244.44.14) (link)
yeah, its pretty fucking obvious that their concern is more about keeping family secrets secret instead of any hurt you may feel. I mean, I would think that a healthy reaction would be "I noticed that you called me some rather harsh names in your journal. Would you feel comfortable talking about this? Id like to know what happened or what I did that makes you feel this way, because I care about you and would like to come to a better understanding of why you feel hurt." but they dont even focus on you at all. they are nervous about covering their own ass.

the most painful thing about all of this is that these are people you love, so its really hard to see them in a light such as this, becasue you love them. I myself have a very hard time drawing boundaries with the people I love, because Im afraid that they will leave me.

[13 Mar 2002|05:40pm]
oh yay! i've got a bidder on my book on ebay! 300 bucks! YES! thank you thank you!!

[13 Mar 2002|10:42pm]
augh. i just feel all shaky. my dad called me up all upset because mom called him all upset that i said in my journal that she can be a vile spewing 4 headed doll. i also said nice things about her in that entry, too. but i feel i have the right to say that she is that sometimes. because those are my feelings. i have the right to express myself. she IS a vile spewing 4 headed doll sometimes and if she wants to stop being referred to as one then she should stop being one.
all she cares about is that her friends read this diary sometimes, i guess. and so it's totally based on how she wants to appear to others and nothing else. if her friends are really her friends and truly know she is NOT a vile spewing 4 headed doll, then they would just laugh at that i know i was wrong.
is she worried her friends might think i'm right? and i didn't say she IS a 4 headed vile spewing dollhead...i said she CAN be.

and calling up my dad and crying to him about it so that dad calls me is soooo manipulative. she's trying to get to me anyway she can. she can't call so she has dad call for her.

i didn't agree with my dad and i stand firmly by my right to express my rage about my mother. screw it. i have held back SO MUCH. i have the right to express my anger. and what i said i feel is the truth. she made her bed now she can lie in it. grrrr.

rrrr i just feel shaky now.

[14 Mar 2002|06:59am]
i got up to pee. i have simon and garfunkel's "homeward bound" song stuck in my head. it's weird, i'll often wake up with a song stuck in my head. i wonder if i was dreaming about that song or something....

going back to bed now...

jason put a serial mouse on my computer last night after he cam ehome from an exhausting day for him. god bless him! and now my mouse does does not freeze up every 30 seconds anymore which is absolute bliss! thank you jason you lovely creature!

i watched the amazing race last night for the first time. my favourite couple are those two nerdly guys. they crack me up :)

[14 Mar 2002|08:21am]
i'm sure my mom had a field day yesterday when she came to my journal last night and saw me selling my pussy tv book first thing.
bit by bit the conversation with my dad is hitting me. like he said mom was worried about me...and he said that he worried, too.
and i said the only thing they have to worry about me with is that i'm NOT ok with how they are treating me. i mean, HELLO? i am totally happy with the rest of my life...it' s their bullshit that they put on me that is screwing with my mind.

and last night i was talking to one of my friends and she said she could totally understand my parents point of view. ( and i love you my friend, and thank you for trying to help me see their point of view!) i CAN see how they could not understand and what i do is not their cup of tea. i can understand them not agreeing with everything i say and do. and i can understand them being worried about me just because what i do is highly controversial and political. but what i can't understand is someone who would verbally abuse me about it.
my friend said they are probably coming from the standpoint of the ten commandments where it says " honour thy father and mother".
i DON'T understand why what i do would be dishonouring them. i don't understand how someone could see that what i do is abuse to myself. and i don't understand how then they could further see that this was then abusing THEM.
and even if that were so...i don't see why then that would make it right for them to put me down or verbally abuse me about it. if they were seriously WORRIED that i was abusing myself....if i were the parent...i would just try to add more LOVE to my life...since that would seem to be the missing element that i need.

i don't think that "honour thy father and thy mother" should mean " put up with their bullshit no matter what". why is there not a commandment that also says "honour thy children" ...i mean basically when it says " do unto others as you would have done unto you"...that pretty much means to honour people, imo...meaning have respect for them in that you do not layer on more abuse even if you disagree with them.

i mean , what IS that commandment? *I* don't get any honour until i have children of my own? i think that commandment is pretty loaded with a million ways to take that wrongly and abuse it.

now, i have to give my dad credit for not ever verbally abusing me. he never does that. and even tho i know he disagrees and does not understand a lot of what i do...he doesn't argue with me about it and try to change me. he simply loves me and focuses on the positive qualities about me that he likes. he is the most christian man i know.
what i DON'T like is that sometimes he is TOO passive and sometimes doing nothing at all is the worst kind of abuse. he doesn't understand where to step in and help and where to let it slide. i can understand that...that is a tough decision to make.

but he DID decide to call me on my mother's behalf and try to repress my expressing my feelings. and when he told me that i should call him and talk to him about mom instead of writing it in my journal ( to keep all the family stuff hidden ), as i said in my other post...i said to him that he doesn't talk about this stuff with me at all. i've given him ample oppurtunity. and , of course, he doesn't have to step in at ALL, i'm 35 and can fight my own battles..but still having a dad to help support you doesn't HURT especially since he wasn't there for me when i was hurting any other time in my life, basically and chose to ignore it.
he said he didn't want to get into it with me because he felt that i wanted him to choose sides. i mean, sure, i wouldn't MIND if he were on my side in this matter...but i don't go out of my way to make him choose a side at all. but if he doesn't want to choose sides...then WHY did he call me last night on my mom's behalf when he felt that i was hurting her by saying that she can be a vile spewing 4 headed doll? WHERE is he when my mom says WAY worse things about me??? does HE call up mom when he hears what she has said to me? does HE tell her to stop? does HE say to mom " do it for ME".
in fact, when i told my dad that my mom has said way worse things to me and i said did u KNOW that...he said "no, i didn't know"
HELLO????
talk about selective memory. i've told him. but it's just like when i was a kid. when the parent isn't really listening to the child and they are just nodding and saying "uh-huh" as they read their paper and they are pretending to listen to you, but they are not.
i've TOLD him COUNTLESS times...not because i was trying to get him on my side, but because i'm trying to get him to understand why it is that i'm so upset with mom.
and he doesn't even REMEMBER? does ANYONE in my family take what i say as even REMOTELY important and valid? valid enough to LISTEN to and REMEMBER?
no.
this pisses me off. at the time of the conversation i don't pick up on all this stuff because i get so utterly confused. but the more i think about that conversation the more pissed i get.
i tried to get dad to see that what mom was doing was abuse and that he was just sitting there silently letting it happen. i said...take an extreme example...that mom was sexually molesting me. i said to dad...would you stand by and let that happen? and he's like ....well..of COURSE not. and i said well it's like THAT,but that i san extreme example. mom is ABUSING me. DO YOU GET THAT AT ALL??? is it even computing???
no. it is not computing with him. all he knows is that mom calls him up in tears and does a number on him. and this wipes out EVERYTHING i feel. it's just so illogical. i'm glad i'm finally seeing this, 'cause this is the stuff that makes a person crazy.
and they are WORRIED about me.
GIVE ME A BREAK! WAKE THE FUCK UP PARENTS! WHY ON EARTH DO YOU THINK I AM NOW SEEING A PSYCHOLOGIST AND AM ON PAXIL??? do they think it's because i made my pussy tv book that PAYS for my rent and HELPS me express my feelings and makes me feel that i'm doing something good and worthwhile with my life? have THEY ever even SEEN the pussy tv book? have they ever ASKED me what it's about??? no. they just assume it's bad 'cause i'm naked in it. they have NO idea of the context or content of that book or what it is about whatsoever. they have NEVER asked.
my dad just goes , " is that book you are selling the one you showed me the other day ( the upside down deiter dog book )? as IF.( it's called PUSSY TV dad, do you THINK it's about the upside down deiter dog? did you see the CAR parked in my crotch? LOL!..i did NOT say THAT to him :)
and i said, " it's NOT what you think" but he didn't ask anything further...like what IS it about anyway? and WHY did you make it? help me understand, i am interested!

augh. grrr. blarg. tangent.

gonna try to go back to sleep NOW. ...at least try...

[14 Mar 2002|12:26pm]
wow! huge amounts of snow out there! it's really coming down! it's pretty :)

[14 Mar 2002|01:28pm]
drinking coffee and listening to the tindersticks.

today i am going to sign all the PTV books and deiter books, and get them in the envelopes and address all the envelopes. that's my goal. so i better hop to it!

PLEASE HELP!!! paypal problems! [14 Mar 2002|10:53pm]
shit i just got this email from paypal saying:
" In our database, we have come across an error in your account. You have violated our Policy. It was under Fraud Review code 48326"

what the hell? and now i need to give them a second credit card to verify myself...but i don't HAVE a second credit card! this is seriously bumming me out! what on earth did i do???

if i don't update they will terminate my account. i am so confused!

[14 Mar 2002|11:25pm]
well, i was able to log into my account again...i sent them an email and i hope they reply and thsi was all some stupid computer glitch of a mistake of some kind!

watch out for this paypal fraud email!!! [15 Mar 2002|12:04am]
ack! i got a phone number to paypal finally and talked to a person and the email that was sent to me was a total spoof and was a fraud in itself trying to get all my credit card information from me and the name of my bank , etc...everything. FUCK! i am SO glad that i got a hold of paypal. they were pretty freaked. i changed my password and everything and now i need to watch my account and i'm going to call my bank tomorrow and maybe see if i can get my debit card changed as i entered that info into that fraudulent site but since i didn't have a SECOND credit card...i never hit the continue button and i just shut down my browser. but it might be ok because i changed my password into my paypal account as fast as i could. FUCK! that shit is SCARY!
8 comments|post comment

watch out for this paypal fraud scam! [15 Mar 2002|12:18am]
if you get an email that says this:

"Below is the result of your feedback form. It was submitted by
(appeal@paypal.com) on Thursday, March 14, 2002 at 20:41:47
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
: Dear current verified Paypal Member,

In our database, we have come across an error in your account. You have violated our Policy. It was under Fraud Review code 48326. Please understand that its your responsibility to follow our instructions to avoid Account Termination. Click here to Log on to your account. After logging on, verify your information. Please update your record by adding an additional credit card. Disregard this letter if you have already verified your updated information.

PayPal Account Review Department
www.paypal.com"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

do NOT go through with it. it is NOT paypal...it is a fraud someone is doing to try to get your financial information!!! i just about got duped into it...and called paypal and it is NOT paypal...it is a scam being done by someone else! pass this info on!

[15 Mar 2002|12:40am]
she made a popcorn hat. does that RULE or what??? :)

[15 Mar 2002|12:30pm]
my fridge broke and now i must move everything out of my hallways so they can take it out and put a new one in. there is SO much stuff in my hallway, it's crazy. oh my.

i'm defrgamenting my harddrive. i'm really sleepy today. i feel like i'm in an oxygenless bubble...which i am. sleeeeeepppppyyyyyyy......

[15 Mar 2002|04:10pm]
holy cow my PTV book is up to 404.99!!! that'll pay for 3 sessions with my psychologist! woo hoo!

i finally saw the 2nd episode of the osbournes. all i have to day is let the japanese chins on more! they should be hogging the cam! :) i can't believe the one that kind of looks like pooka is named " crayt baby" and is neurotic! pooka isn't neurotic at all, pooka is the prince of zen :) and they have the other cream coloured japnaese chin and now i've forgotten the name of that one. i'm sure glad i don't have a giant bulldog!

i should be really motivated today. but i am so not.
i think it's time for coffee and stereolab

[15 Mar 2002|05:45pm]
http://www.lethimstay.com

when christians do acid [15 Mar 2002|05:49pm]
http://www.hooray2u.com/balloon.html

3 hats i bought :) [15 Mar 2002|06:35pm]
bear hat
space "kitty" hat
big white fluffy hat
thanks to eebomb for showing me this place!

the idea matrix [15 Mar 2002|10:24pm]
went up to jason's and watched "flawless" with him which was an entertaining movie :)
now i'm just putzing about, winding down. i didn't get much done today, but some days are just like that. might watch david lettermen now, in bed with the puplets, but i'll probably just read. i feel like having a bit of silence.
my head is swimming with ideas of cool hats i could make...as if i'll ever make them. but who knows, maybe i will? i need to start an idea page where i can just put all my ideas in detail and let other people have at them. i have way too many ideas.
but i think they just float off into the matrix of the universe and get picked up on anyway...or maybe that's where i'm getting all my hat ideas..from some other chick across the globe thinking the exact same things as i am. but we both just want to read in bed...so...someone...pick up these ideas in my head and make these hats...'cause i want to wear them, k? :) thanks!