anagram031400

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i wish i had the energy 2 type u out everything that happened and everything that is happening now. but it'll have 2 wait 'cause i just need some time to be quiet and not worry about doing anything or explaining anything. austin was very fun, but i am drained from it 'cause it was just too MUCH fun. and altho the people around me were very cool and i had a lot of great conversations, i really just prefer 2 be alone...'cause it takes sooooo much energy out of me. at least meeting that many people a day. i like to take in one new person a month :) i prefer to really get to know a thing deeply, than learn about a bunch of things not as deeply. in all honesty, what i wanted to do while i was there was just to lay on the grass in devota's great yard. but i didn't because the pressure was on that i should do do do and meet meet meet and see see see. so i did did did. but now i must clean my house and organize. i just want things to be clean and quiet. and as much as i was missing my dogs ( and jason ) SO much, i don't even have the energy for them right now!
so i will probably be ignoring the cam for a few days 'cause i just need to not concentrate on anything except just centering myself.

so here are the pictures from the time i was there and some pictures from before i left and when i came back.
they aren't in a really great order. i wish i could've explained them better...what was going on in the pictures. i didn't get too many cool pictures when i was in texas becaise 1) devota didn't want her or anythig of her on the cam. 2) if i wasn't at devota's house i was at a very crowded party with no electric outlets and i didn't want to drag the heavy thing around with me 'cause i had too much to deal with as it was. plus, u never know who is gonna freak out that i'm taking pictures of them

i didn't make it to any panels except my own. i LOVED janie who drove me around and she showed me some VERY cool things....one of them being this place:
http://www.momoko-gifts.com

holy cow...i am REALLY obessessed with "tare panda" i think it means lazy panda...but i prefer to call him "relaxed panada" or "content panda" god, i love it and i want EVERYTHING that has this panda on it. it is SO cute and SO surreal! it rolls arouns at 2.7 kilometers an hour. what on EARTH that means i don't know. but that's what it does. plus it stacks otherrs of it's kind on top of itself like plates. plus it is small and can fit in a tea cup. what on EARTH? i AM the panda. what a great thing.

i've discovered that i am missing the cord that connects my scanner to my computer. so i can't scan anything and i don't know what the dang thing looks like! so how do i go find it in the thing room???

jaosn is gone until friday. he comes home about 7pm friday night. i thought it's feel weird to have him gone. but it just feels like he is at work. which he is. in texas learning java. weird we were both in texas. but he is in dallas and i was in austin.

more later....look under the bed for the posts i made while i was in austin. i can't even cut and paste! overload.

i have more pictures, they are still on my harddrive on my laptop

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hours pass....

i can't even get connected to ana2 to ftp this up. i know u cant get in either. sorry. i don't know what's up.

i can't find the tori cd that i need 2 hear

i need to get outside to go get food 'cause all i have is saltines and some kippers and vanilla soy milk. i am so overloaded and distraught. i try to get ready to go outside, but then i keep crying while i try. now my face is puffy and i look ugly and i don't want people outside to see me like this. fuck.

i need to go get jason's drycleaning and pick up the mail to see if there is a check in there for jason that he needs. he is overloaded ,too.

but i can't i just can't i need someone to take care of me and to balance my check book and vacuum the rug.

jason can't take care of me cause he is overloaded too. i can't call my mom 'cause i don't want to take any of her energy 'cause she needs energy too, from me. she needs me to work on our relationship. i can't work on that. i just need to be around people who just love me and don't need anythng and don't need an explanation. acceptance.

and i need my house to be clean. i'm trying to compose myself just to go get some freaking food. but i just want to lay on the floor and cry.

and the dogs need love too. i just have nothing to give. i am spent. i can't take it.

the government is now sending me things that say i better pay them for past taxes or they are gonna take my stuff. they say they are now contacting other people to gain info on me so they can take my money. i would call them up and get on a payment plan if i could deal with it. but i can't. i want to go live in my closet for a few days. i need to be enclosed in a cocoon. the sun is going down. i need the sky. i need the ground. i need some fresh fruit. i need someone to pat me on the head and tell me everything will be ok. i am so sad.

i need to get out and get food. pull myself together. then come home and wrap myself in blankets and watch a friggin romantic comedy. sigh oh sigh oh sigh

i have songs in me that i want to record. but they are all angry or sad. i do not want to record another angry or sad record. augh.