anagram 031102
[09 Mar 2002|10:07pm]
go
look! jason's new cd!!! ousia!
[10 Mar 2002|01:29pm]
grapefruit. ladytron. sunny. snowy. still cleaning bedsheets because of bad
pupsters. dreamless sleep. sandalwood incence. an open day with no plans.
need advice again [10 Mar 2002|03:17pm]
my mom is still trying to contact me...she wrote me an email asking if i wanted
this headboard of hers and could she have her husband bring it over. she is
really grasping at straws here to try to get me to say something.
here is what i wrote but did not send yet...i nned your advice on whether you think i should send this or not....or should i rewrite it in a better way...or not send it at all. i'm having a hard time staying objective here, as this is so emotional for me.
"mom,
i don't know what to say to you, which is why i haven't written. your email
to me was very hurtful to me.
not the part about how you think i may be cyclothymic, because that is a chemical
condition and if i had it, that would hardly be an insult to me, as sickness
is beyond a person's control. but i don't have that, but i could see how you
could think i did if you are only going to be going by what i write in my
journal as a barometer to my inner workings. but the fact that you think that
my life is wasted is something i really don't need to hear, don't want to
hear and i will not allow you to say things like that to me anymore. period.
that is your opinion.
i am proud
of my accomplishments...and while, of course, as you are my mother, i would
like your approval, i realize now that i simply can't care about your approval
anymore. i'm not going to allow you to hurt me like that anymore.
i'm not going to get into the rest of it because there is simply no point
in even attempting to discuss any of this anymore for obvious reasons.
quite frankly, i do not know if i want any contact with you anymore as you seem to not be able to stop verbally abusing me and you do not treat me with the respect that you would give any other adult. i simply don't have the time in my life to hang around with people who say things like that to me and who think things like that about me, even if that person is my mother. you don't have that right to treat me like that. and i'm not going to give you that right just because i'm your daughter.
i don't know
what else to say about this right now. i really don't. "
i decided to email my mom and this is all i said:
"i don't want the headboard now. but thanks for the offer."
i think if
i say anything else...it will just be used against me and will be pointless.
in fact, i'm sure that even that will be used against me. but, oh well.
[11 Mar 2002|01:03am]
six feet under tonight kicked ass!
it's the best show on tv right now, imo.
i'm almost done with the books. i might even be able to get them all in the mail tomorrow!
thingie has me addicted to tea tree oil toothpicks. mmmm :)
i feel things in me changing. but maybe it's just the medication. either way, i feel a bit of relief at this moment. i will treasure it, even if it lasts for only a short time.
i got my comforter
all clean. but i destroyed my bottom sheet with too much bleach :/ it has
holes in it now. i don't care much tho, that seems like such a small thing
compared to everything else. i'm just glad that i have such a huge kick ass
bed at all. it is my sanctuary. my cloud with dogs floating on it. it even
has a parachute. what more could i ask for in a bed?
death on the internet [11 Mar 2002|09:50am]
good lord, i got uo to pee and ended up at deathnet or flesh something....
or something like that because someone posted a link that said that clown
looked like gacy so i went there and there was a link...and argh...i should
not have gone there. but since i have such an utter fear of dead bodies...i
also had to look. but look too much i did. and now i just feel sick. not just
ordinary dead but major gore dead.
i hope to god that when i die my dead body does not make it onto the internet
with people leaving stupid insulting comments about it. i suppose they do
that because they are so uncomfortable with death. but still.
it's just unfathomable and horrifying to me that some day i will be a rotting
corpse. i do not like that thought, and i'm glad that i will not have to be
around to see it, and i hope no one else will either. yuck.
those poor people...dead and mutilated..on the internet...someone's beloved
father or sister or best friend...and people making fun of them. it's beyond
me.
the world is a strange place. i don't think it's BAD to see death, as death
is a part of life...but jeepers...
i have to watch some happy tv or think of something happy now. i'll light my candles and get back in bed with the fluffsters. something...ack....
i'm NOT going to die like that. i'm just not. i refuse.
i used to
be afraid i would doe a horrible violent dear=th and leave a terribly messy
corpse that would haunt people's minds then forever, for those who saw it.
then that guy busted in my house and almost killed me when i was 20...and
i was like " oh shit...here it is!"
decades later i had my palm read ( not for that reason ) and this woman saw
that in my hand...that i could have chosen death is i had wanted to when i
was in my early twenties but decided not to. pretty freaky.
well, i DEFINITELY decide not to. i want to die peacefully in a nice comfy chair or something with someone holding my hand while i do it.
perhaps angels were all around when these people died. i hope they astral projected out of their bodies before they had to endure any of that torture. from the loooks of them a lot of them died immediately ( high impact ). so i have to console myself that they felt nothing and went straight to a better place.
it's the people that live that are traumatized by the looks of it. i hope i have understanding people around me when i die who are not afraid of death and aren't afraid of my dead body afterwards.
maybe someday i can be one of these people. i don't want to be afraid of death.
i discovered
a dead body once when i worked as a housekeeper for a hospital. it was an
old woman. her face looked like melted wax. i have never seen anything like
it. there is nothing as eerily still than a dead person. it's so unreal. i
was glad that she had died. she was in a lot of pain. i cleaned her room everyday
and she just writhed in pain.
[11 Mar 2002|04:18pm]
in case anyone was curious this
is the site that really creeped me out.
potatoes and jelly [11 Mar 2002|04:25pm]
ok, so just HOW do these pictures end up being taken and then making their
way to the http://coke.rotten.com/potatoes-n-jelly/internet?
why is there
a need to take pictures of this procedure? do they take pictures of every
procedure? what on earth? did they have this guys consent to take these pictures?
is this even real?
[11 Mar 2002|05:02pm]
ok, no more gross shit now...i promise. ack. i'm over it! yo.
i had a bad case of morbid curiousity
happy thoughts!
bunnies!
[11 Mar 2002|05:22pm]
clearing my house with sage
dancing in the last bits of today's sunlight
listening to...you guessed it...ladytron
vowing to think happy thoughts for at least 3 days straight
everyday i will for 5 minutes each:
dance
stretch
sing
write in my paper diary
try to meditate
be thankful
it's a start!
tomorrow i
see my psychologist woman
i'm nervous and excited
gaaaaaaaa!!!!! [11 Mar 2002|09:01pm]
my mom wrote me:
" Is that because you are mad at me? Do you want the frame on wheels
even if
you don't want the headboard?
Love, Mom"
augh.
NOW what do
i do??? should i just ignore this one???
[11 Mar 2002|10:06pm]
i'm working on my little books