anagram 031001

my mom "breaks up" with me :(

a rug someone made!

my brother and i

a very stupid picture of bryan ferry and i :)

[07 Mar 2001|10:46am]
what are all the things that are scattered ( piled ) on your desk right this very second?

[07 Mar 2001|12:38pm]
[07 Mar 1999|12:37pm]
i'm tryoing to just let go of this day and let it take the course it wants to. yesterday i tried to force myself to get stuff done...but that didn't work. as much as this is a time that i would like to get things done in...my environment won't allow that. because jason is moving out april 1st..there is no organizing, cleaning, or decorating i can do since it will all have to be moved and then moved again when his stuff is out of here. i feel after his stuff is gone, i'll be a bit lost as to where i fit within this apartment in the new context.

i'm watching a movie called "bedrooms and hallways"

i am hoping that i do not get overstimulated at sxsw. i was so excited to go to that at the time that i helped put it together. but now...with all these other things i hadn't foreseen...still having sebastian ( which i love and wouldn't trade for anything in the world ) and jason starting to pack...and where to put my stuff while he packs to get it through the door...and do i want his couch ort not and staring at that couch every second thinking of the multitude of things i could do to it...desugn-wise...and then having this terrible fight with my mother ( which she left another message on my machine apologizing in a way... ) and my dad stressed out with my mom and me and the estate of the relative, and with my equipment breaking and money problems, and spring coming and me redefining who i am and what i want and where i want to go and what i want to do...maybe.....all that i REALLY want to do is paint this place pink. that is all. but what shade of pink would go with the beige carpetting that i have?

and then if tTHAT is the least of my worries...i am being utterly ridiculous...

no, that is not the least of my worries, that is just something calm that i want to do to ground myself as i wade through this month wondering what april will be like.

i don't know where the nearest paint store is around here. that thought is just a mask to sheild myself for other thoughts. hee is a bit of a dream i had that i told to marco , who is back from san diego and in paris where he is very heartbroken:
(marcoo.livejournal.com)

"basically it was about my girlfriend leaving me in the middle of nowhere and i start cryingand i cannot walk very well or explain to anyone why i am crying or walking funny...and then i also realize that all of a sudden i cannot remember my girlfriend's name or even what she looked like and that makes me think i'm going crazy"

i'm going back to watching the movie

[07 Mar 2001|03:07pm]
i play with fonts as i cry.
my mother has so many walls around her. she doesn't even acknowledge that she has any because she is in such denial. she doesn't like me at all. she is as cold as ice now. she has said goodbye to me forever on the phone now. she doesn't want a relationship with me anymore. she doesn't understand a single thing i say and she feels the same about me. i say mom, all i want is to be acknowledged that i'm real and that u approve of me. all she says tp that is, " oh are we going to get into THAT now." cold.
my brother also has tried 2 kill himself yesterday and is now in a hospital tyoe place. he is the only black in an small all white community plus he has fetal alcohol syndrome and is an alcoholic on top of it. well, i know WHY. he's not crazy. i just want 2 tell him that. he';s not the crtazy one. don't listen to mom, she'll beat u down. she'll beat u down. i have to save him somehow...

[07 Mar 2001|03:35pm]
i'm doing better now. i talked to my brother. my whole family is about secrets and denial and secrets and more secrets. there is nothing i am allowed to say because everything has to be a secret. it's all so stupid.

[07 Mar 2001|04:14pm]
the sun is shining now. i have chefboyardee and coca cola. the sunlight is streaming through my house cleansing it, brian eno is playing on my cd player...it's on random...now its playing the chemical brothers...lol.
yo baby yo, i think i might have some energy to get outside today even tho it's freezing cold out there.

does anyone have a treadmill they'd like to sell me? i need to walk and walk and walk. the streets here are covered in ice so u can't really walk very fast. i wanna walk fast. i wanna walk it through walk it out of me.
i need to walk now.

spring come soon! my mother my mother my mother...my father my father my father my brother my brother my brother my lover my lover my lover my best friend my best friend my best friend................

no words....i want the sun to never stop shining

[07 Mar 2001|07:46pm]
tonight is all about watching movies and not thinking. thank god for cable.

my mom....she makes walls and hides and forgets things and hates me cause i remember everything. maybe that is why i document. this was real . it happened. i'm not imagining it.

[08 Mar 2001|02:30pm]
had weird dreams all day about hanging out with alice cooper. he told me that the beatles were all really hyper, and john was the most hyper. i told him that george harrison was my favourite beatle. i said i loved how george on that one album cover had lawn gnomes all over the lawn of his castle. alice couldn't figure out at all what a lawn gnome was...he kept thinking it was a tiny shelter for cats. the rest of it is just so weird i can't even write it down

[08 Mar 2001|07:14pm]
i got my new cell modem in the mail again today finally. so i'm hooked up with my mobilecam again, that's cam2 on ana2. i'll be bringing it with me to sxsw in austin texas this sunday through wednesday and sebastian is coming along too!
so much is going on in my life right now that i cannot even keep track

my brother and i on the one day we got along [09 Mar 2001|10:19am]

playing cowboys and indians in the "field" behind our house in southern minnesota.
i'm the indian and he's the cowboy ( or how he pronounced it then, "coyboy" )
my brother holds a canadian flag because my mom is canadian and so i had a lot of canadian flags that i would wave proudly ( i love canada ), especially on memorial day. i hated america and i hated cowboys. i was obessed with indians. my brother and i never got a long except on this one day, where my parents actually took a picture of it because seeing us together, not fighting, was rare. we were gathering hay for some reason, maybe to build a fort. my brother was always a cowboy because he wanted to piss me off any way he could 24/7. now i've come to like america because we have 711's and cable tv and the phone is WAY cheaper. also ( than europe...at least from what i have experienced...altho europe kicks our ass in every other way ), as much as i didn't want to be one, i did become an american. *sigh* my parents didn't hate america at all...i just hated it because i knew from the second i was born that is was totally corrupt. plus, deep down inside , i was an indian, and americans had slaughtered the indians. i had plastic cowboys and indians and blocks and a various assortment of plastic dinosaurs. i would herd the cowboys into an area of blocks where they would be trapped and eaten by dinosaurs. that was my favourite game to play, that and "prostitute barbie"

anyway, now my brother and i are becoming closer as i finally realize the one thing we have in common, "our parents". very interesting.

"how can you brother be black while you are white?", some people oggle and goff, their brainwaves swooning. well, since my mother and my father and i are all white...how do u think? of course he came from THE SKY! in a BIG BLACK SPACESHIP!

this is what my brother and i tell people when they are staring at us with their mouths open. also, actually..HE is the white one and i am the black one. my brother prefers to listen to country and lynrd skynyrd and watch the dukes of hazzard...whereas i prefer 2 get down and WOOGIE to tha thang.

it's just the way it is. and there are SO many secrets and stories hidden in all these words. someday i hope i can tell them, because they are wonderful and hilarious :)

some people think it was foolish to invite a black kid from the sky into our all whiteness life. i don't even know if they allow white parents to adopt black children anymore. what do u think of this? have u had any experiences where your family has adopted in someone not of their own race, or are u the adoptee? i'd like to know your experiences.

[09 Mar 2001|03:00pm]
gonna see yoko ono tonight and i'm gonna ask her if she'll sign my panda bear :)
and also give her a copy of my cover of her song "ask the dragon"
i am nervous!

[09 Mar 2001|04:01pm]
coffee sugar coffee sugar. i WOULd run out of tampons right NOW.
i'm thinking about wearing a little mustache tonight like salvidor dali.
drawn on. i got my long black dress on from the 30's..i think i might have to hold it together with white duct tape.
got my kick ass boots on held together by clear plastic thumbtacks *pray*.
cofee sugar coffee sugar
i think i should write her a note. i better do that soon before my hand gets too shaky
i wanna tell her about my cam, and the sleep station, and get her to sign either my panda or the grapefruit book or my boots or my boob.
can't i just take her home with me and take pictures of her with pooka?

[09 Mar 2001|04:13pm]
oh where oh where do my white duct go?
or where or where can it beeeeee

[09 Mar 2001|05:20pm]
ah, i guess i have two more hours than i thought :) this thing starts at 9 , not 7 :)
yay, cause i really need more time!
the duct tape didn't work, but the safety pins did.
the thumb tacks aren't so great..maybe nails...

didn't get 2 meet yoko [10 Mar 2001|05:15am]
it;s 4:30am here, i woke up cause i had 2 pee and i was thirstsy and still in my dress and stuff, didn't get to meet yoko...it wasn't what we thought,...it was this HUGE thing, TONS of people, many floors...we didn't know where she was then we heard she left early...i would have too!

but i did meet a really cool girl who has her masters in insects and was wearing an orange jumper and is friends with my best friend, and also the guy, tom siler, who played on my song, "never understood" 5 billion years ago, and i hadn't seen him since that day when he played, and he played there that night with this other girl who was so funny!! :). her name was stef and she used to be in bean girl. oh god, i have to see them play again!

had some wine, met some hilarious guy who was on the board of directors who's name was Tony "the fat boy" Rossi. but he wasn't fat, he was built like a boxer.
i'm not kidding. he was like straight out of the sopranos. i asked him if he liked the sopranos and he said, " he could relate to those assholes"
he said he wasn't into the yoko thing. i said he looked like a frank sinatra kinda guy. and he said, yep, he woulda liked to hang out with him. i told him that he was a real man's man and he nodded and smiled.
he was pretty drunk and obnoxious but he amused me to death as i did for him and i gave him my note to yoko ono and my cd and made him give me his word it would get to her...we'll see. WHAT a character! i hope i meet him again :)
he couldn't get over that i was wearing as saran wrap dress on the back side of my cd cover.

i'm not telling this story very well, it's far cooler and more colourful than i'm saying..but it's the middle of the night , so there