anagram030902

(ok, the last anagram should have been 0307...and thsi one should be 0308..but oh well )

[08 Mar 2002|09:29am]
my dad wrote back and said that they did not adopt my brother primarily for me and he said he'd have to think on the other stuff.

i wrote back:
"thank you :) i appreciate you helping me.
i want to remember things in an accurate way, and that's not an easy thing to do
when going back into one's childhood. and i just don't want to distort anything.
i love you!"

my MOM wrote me back again and said this:
"Please write back, even if you are mad.
Love Mom"

what on earth am i supposed to say? do i write her back and tell her i just have nothing to say? if i write her back that...won't i just be opening myself up for another insultfest by her? i mean, there is nothing i could say TRUTHFULLY that wouldn't make her get just nasty with me. i feel like she wrote that 'cause now she's feeling a little paranoid that because of what she said, she will lose contact with me...which is true...she did.

do i write her back a one liner of some sort? do i just say "i have no reponse for you"...i don't want to EXPLAIN why i have no response as that will get NO where and only open it up for me to jab at me again. any suggestions on what i should do here?

i think i should respond with something short and sweet..and not mean in any way...but not cutting her any slack. i don't want to explain or justify anything to her, that will get no where. i don't want to be mean or brutal , i just want to be calm and frank in saying that there is just no where i feel i can go from there..after her email like that...we are on two opposite sides of the spectrum..or whatever...all dialogue with her is pointless. but i don't want to say it like THAT.

gahhhhhh. blarg. maybe i should not write anything at all. or maybe i should just stall her by writing back " i'm thinking..."
no...that doesn't seem like a good thing either.

help?

[08 Mar 2002|10:58am]
i went all the way to feb 24th and made any post that had references to my mom in them friend's only...as i'm scared she is going to read them as use them as ammunition against me in any way she can. i don't want to do this. i want to write what i want in my journal without fear of her wrath. but at this time, i don't feel strong enough to deal with that.

after awhile, i might take the friend's only part off. or maybe i should just say fuck it...and make them not friend's only. i hate living in fear and doing things out of fear.

but just to let you know...all my entries in my livejournal eventually end up in anacam's analog section....

i don't think my mom would think to go there...especially since she doesn't understand how to use a computer. but obviously she did read my journal that one time that i know of.

or maybe i should just start a new journal somewhere else...but that would be a big pain in the ass. especially since i have established THIS as my journal.

i don't know what to do. i think the only thing to do is just to let go of that fear and if she wants to use this as ammunition against me...let her. just having this site at ALL is ammunition against me.

but right now, i don't feel strong enough...

[08 Mar 2002|11:16am]
woke up for a bit. got caught up in LJ.
gonna try to get a few more hours of sleep in, 'cause i didn't get much sleep.
because i'm anxious.
if my journal seems mundane at the moment, it's because a lot of my entries have been friend's only lately or "under the bed"

[08 Mar 2002|12:41pm]
i finally saw "hedwig and the angry inch" last night. thingie made me a copy :) pretty cool movie! reminded me a lot of "the rocky horror picture show"

i guess i won't go back to sleep. i'll take a nap later on in the day.
i see my shrink at 5pm. i haven't seen him since last summer! kiitos is gonna give me a ride and she also bought me some grapefruit. what a sweetheart :)