anagram 030802

just words now...pictures in the next anagram
as i have so many to sort through!

[28 Feb 2002|12:30pm]
bbbrrrrrr, it's cold in my house.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through [28 Feb 2002|12:37pm]
...stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta instead?)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

( thanks to fetik3 for showing me this )

[28 Feb 2002|12:55pm]
at amazon.com the book:
Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited
by Samuel Vaknin

says it's out of print...but it's not...you can get a copy from the guy who wrote it at his website:
http://samvak.tripod.com

AND you can buy a version they will send to you in the email for only 15 bucks instead of paying 54 bucks for the hard version :) so that's what i did, and then i'm going to print it out on my printer :)

[28 Feb 2002|01:49pm]
well, i'm off to do errands. pick up the laminated covers for the books. get a bit of food for me and the pups, and mail some stuff. and other odds and ends

[28 Feb 2002|03:07pm]
back.
listening to ladytron.
bought lots of envelopes to mail books in. it's cold out! it's only 2 degrees colder than yesterday but it's brutal! didn't get everything done i wanted to, but got most done. gonna work on books now for awhile. i'm glad the new survivor is on tonight!

[28 Feb 2002|08:05pm]
the new survivor was cool :) where IS that island?

and the colour deiter books are DONE! w00t! :)
and black and white ones, too :)

man, u think u save money buying an e-book...but then..if u print it out ( mine is 480 pages!)..it adds up! but i was impatient and i wanted it now!

[28 Feb 2002|10:31pm]
my god, i'm printing out this e-book and i'm only on page 233...and there are 480 pages and i've got SUCH a stack of paper already printed, it's insane! and the actual pages are printed very small. it takes up just a portion of the paper in the middle...i don't know why they decided to design it this way in the pdf format.

[01 Mar 2002|11:18am]
i have the canon b300 printer. and i am printing out this e-book, as u know, in BLACK AND WHITE.
BUT...as i am printing it out....it is showing that my colour ink is getting lower and lower ( it displays this )...how fuct is THAT?

[01 Mar 2002|12:49pm]
sebastian is so strange. he likes to sleep on hard surfaces. he is in the hallway on the cement. he looked all lonely. i bring a blanket for him, but he perfers the cement. what a weirdo.

[01 Mar 2002|12:52pm]
i wish last season's "six feet under" was on dvd or video. i need my dad to see it!

my mother's letters to her parents when i was 3 [02 Mar 2002|05:14pm]
a few months ago my mom gave me some letters that she had written to her parent's when i was around 3 years old. she handed them to me saying that i would probably enjoy seeing what life was like for her at that time...and i THOUGHT she also implied that she had written about me in them and the way she handed them over to me implied...i thought...that they were special letters full of love. i was expecting to read in them about how mcuh she loved me...or what kind of relationship we had together at that time...or SOMETHING that had something to do with her and her relationship with me, and also the inner workings of her mind at the time, so i could have insight into her.

well...
they were about the weather. and what my dad was up to with his work and how she fit into it ( going to conferences with him, etc. ). she also complained a lot about how no one ever wrote her and she was wondering what everyone was up to and that she was homesick. from the sound of her letters she sounded neglected by her parents..and also neglected by my dad's parent's but would only hint at these things passively aggressively. there wasn't much mention of me except for that they were out a lot and the babysitting bill was getting huge. also, mentioned that when i went in for my physical so that i could go to nursery school i surprised the nurses by redaing the eye chart perfectly when i guess it was unusual for me to know the alphabet at that age. she sounded proud about that. then continued on in the next sentence saying that i told the nurses that i could also write out the alphabet, as well. in which she then put in paranthese ( conceited little kid ).

there was much emphasis on presents. did so and so get their present? we liked our presents. etc etc. one sad thing was that my mom mentioned that my dad's parent's did not get her a birthday present one year but simply wrote saying "we are not going to get anyone presents this year becasue we don't know what to get you". which was pretty hurtful. my mom is BIG on presents.

she mentioned that one christmas i got a lot of christmas presents and so now i was "spoiled rotten"

when my mom talked about the upcoming adoption of my brother, it sounded more like the aquiring of a tv set.

she talked a lot about my dad's accomplishments.

not once did she mention love. that she loved me, or my brother, or my dad...or even her parents or brothers or sisters.
if she mentioned anyone it was mostly about how they did not write her and how that annoyed her.
nro did she write about how motherhood was affecting her...if at all...except that she did say it was a bit nerve wracking.

so...indeed...this was a very huge surprise to me at just how utterly shallow and void of any emotion except for annoyance that came through these writings. wow.

which really backs up my notion that my mother is a narcissist.

i feel really disturbed from reading those letters. it just goes against what my mom told me it was like for her...that i was her world and how much she loved me.
but narcissists also make things up and exaggerate and distort things to fit the view they WANT to see. so...i guess that makes sense, too.

and then at one point my mom and i had a little thing at the end of a letter where she would tell me what to write grandma and grandpa....and then she would write down what i wanted to say to grandama and grandpa...

here's what she told me to write:

"dear grandma, thank you for the balloon"

i told her to write:

" my brother likes his, too. god will be with you even if your house blew up in the air. thank you for my balloon but i broke it. i play with my brother's. god will be with you all the time even when it's snow time and you get a cold and you can't see when you're blind. i'm going to nursery chool next week. i got a new jumper. it's all colours and my mommy bought me a blouse, too. i cleaned my room up today very nice and mommy recognized it. now it is so neat. i wish i had a little doll that could walk that had a little machine in her. my mommy bought me a box of bubblegum of my very own. now i'm too tired. i'll send a big fat kiss to grandma and grandpa in canada. i love you."

weird.

[02 Mar 2002|07:56pm]
i've just been reading like a maniac!
what are u reading, if anything?

i don't know if this was a good thing to do... [02 Mar 2002|09:57pm]
i told my mom i would not put her emails in my public LJ anymore...so that is why this post is friends only.
i do not even know if i should have WRITTEN my mom, but here is what i said:

"i promise not to put any of your emails in my "public" livejournal.
that is one way i get a myriad of advice from a cross section of people to keep me in check.
i hope you know that no one KNOWS who you are, for real.
i would never endanger your identity.

still, i can see how that would upset you, so i will not do that.

if there is anything you would like to know, you may ask me via email.
i have told you this already...although, i see that you may not have used that avenue as you did not feel comfortable.
i never said , as you can see from my past emails, that i said i wanted no contact with you.
if you are ( as you said ) ...waiting for me to be "ready" to contact you...you will wait forever...as i have already contacted you several times via email.

this IS the only way i feel comfortable having a dialogue with you, for now, and and this IS the only way i will do it, for now.
this is my boundry regarding this.
i am learning to set them, as you feel i need to learn that. i agree with you. i need to learn to set more boundries.

anyway, i am here to listen and to respond should you feel you want to communicate via the written word vs. the spoken word.

this is just a future version of the letter, although i agree with you that the letter is , by far, more special and precious.

i know that i "suck" at writing letters....only because of my "perfectionism" in writing them. since it's i hold them in such high regard ( i have saved every single one of your letters ), my fear of not doing them "justice" stops me from actually putting pen to paper...as well as my want for immediate gratification ( the email is immediate ).

i know that you must be in an immeasurable amount of pain because of what we are both going through in regards to our estrangement.
at least, i know i am....i do not mean to project my own pain onto you...i am merely assuming...putting together 2+2.

i have been reading a lot of books on narcissism in hope to get a more well rounded view on this very mysterious affliction that really has only been truly recognized fully in the late 80's. although freud wrote about it early on.

anyway...

you may vehemently disagree ( and even laugh as you read this , which is my fear )....but it would APPEAR that both of your parents were narcissists in their own individual way. and dad's mom was FOR SURE one...i don't know about his dad. i've read your letters from 1969-1970 to your parents...you needed their approval very much...i didn't need to read them to know that....i've been there in the room many times as you've cried saying " my mother doesn't love me", or " i hate my mother"...and many things. i know that you had a hard time with your mother.
i feel shy to say that sentence because i don't know if you will be angry with me for remembering that.
it seems you finally made peace with your mother at the end of her life. thank God.

she really WAS unfair to you for not visiting YOU. you always had to go to her, didn't you?

you dad, although jovial......really wasn't emotionallly available either and put that extra punctuation on "if you're not formally educated...then we really are not equals"
that is a tough act to follow. and the year in which he was born really backs up his opinion on that.

then dad's parents's....well, i know you can see that as clear as day.

what i'm leading up to here is this:

your parents appear to have been narcissists to some degree
the same with dad's.
narcissist parant's can sometimes make their children narcissist's.
it is a coping mechanism, and an effective one at that.

i feel that i DO have narcissistic tendencies...and i feel that you do , as well, and so does dad.

in these books i'm reading it says that the cure for the narcissist is basically...well, there seems be no cure.
the idealist in me want to reject that. but of course the realist in me sees that no one DOES ever seem to change.
i don't know why.

anyway...
if you have any thoughts on this. i would greatly appreciate it.
as any insight into our experiences, whether as a whole or as an individual would , i feel, be greatly beneficial.
and if i ohave offended you by this letter, it was not my intention.

if you would lik the names of the books i am reading, just so u know what i'm up to, at the very least. i'll gladly give them to you.
i even have one i can send u immediately as a pdf file right away (this just means you can print it out and read it )"

[03 Mar 2002|10:38am]
my house is soooo cold. a rip must have happened in the plastic insulation around my windows...i just have to find out WHERE! brrr.
ah...but i see now that it is only 1 degree out. i think that's the coldest it's been all winter...

i sent my mom an email and i'm terrified at receiving a response or no response.

i'm going back to bed.

i had a dream i was in this wonderful place that was warm and the house was amazing and i felt so comfortable and the woman that lived there felt like my sister. but i had to pack and get on a plane in a manner on hours and leave it. what a suckfest.

there was also this beach right out in the front yard...but to get to it..you had to travel completely around the lake in the opposite direction, cross a bridge, then swim the entire length of the lake to get to it.

you could just jump over the fence to get to it even tho it was RIGHT THERE in front of u because the fence was razor-wire.

i asked the woman....why can't i just ask that man on the beach there to carry me over the fence? and she said because everyone would get angry and jealous.

the other night i had a dream where i knew i was dreaming. still..the realization that i was dreaming was still part of the dream in such a way that i was not able control my dream.

it was more like dreaming about wanting to have a lucid dream.

i'll ge there someday.

[03 Mar 2002|02:08pm]
i had a weird dream about dueting with john denver.
my psychiatrist looks a lot like john denver, who i see in 3 days. maybe that was the symbolism.
either way. it was weird and incredibly frustrating and sad.

[03 Mar 2002|02:46pm]
wow, it just hit me! it's MARCH! which means that spring is ALMOST here!!!!
my birthday is april 18, and i'll be 36! can u BELIEVE? time is WEIRD!
gotta get rent in, thankfully i have enough! plus enough not to have my electricity turned off *whew* :)

[03 Mar 2002|05:40pm]
six feet under!
six feet under!
six feet under!
(the countdown begins)

[03 Mar 2002|10:41pm]
i have laminated each page of the original master copy of my little book "pussy tv",
and am contemplating selling it on ebay. if i make the pussy tv book again, it will be a different version. the version that i have made for everyone now is the last of it's kind.
there are only 21 pussy tv books left.. all the colour version. i don't think i'll be making any more black and white versions since those were not as satisfying to me to make...although there are only 11 in existence.
there are 44 colour pussy tv books in all. 23 are already sold. about 10 of the rest left will go to friends of mine....and i will keep 5, as i keep 5 of everything i make. that means there are only 6 pussy tv books left for sale.
i might make them again, but not this version. and i won't be making any more any time soon as i have other things i want to do with my time.

so...if anyone is interested in one of the 6 left up for grabs...better buy it now or they will soon be gone!

http://www.anacam.com/anabooks/

[04 Mar 2002|11:38am]
my stomache is on knots wondering what my mom wil say to my email. i don't know if im glad i sent it right. right now i'm not. i just opened up a dialogue with her. i just set myself up for a bunch more of pain. i'm so scared of her reply. i have to practice feeling indifferent to it. i don't want to feel one way or the other about her reply. i want to treat it like it's just words that don't affect my life either way. just words that mean nothing to me and i just shrug and go on with my life.
but i'm sitting her with knots in my stomache so bad that i can't even move.

mom's husband wrote me back about it already. he sounded like he thought it would be a good thing for her to hear. and i had sent it to my dad, too. and what i wrote about mom's letters from 1969. he thought it sounded positive that i wrote mom, too. but i don't trust either of these person's opinion's on this matter, even tho i'd like to. mom doesn't interact with them the way she does with me. so they just don't know. i think perhaps my mom's husband sees my mom a little bit the way i see her. i think she shows him a bit of that side to her. i think she takes her bad moods out on him and takes him for granted a lot of the time. but i also think he does the same to her....altho i'm not saying they have a bad marriage. it appears to be a good one from where i stand. as good as any marroage can be, from what i know. since i really have not witnessed a GOOD marriage, i don't think, i have nothing to base anything on. i know that no marriage is PERFECT. that's what i hear, anyway.

i don't know...i'm just typing because i'm nervous and need an outlet for my nervousness.

[04 Mar 2002|12:19pm]
i had chocolate ice cream for breakfast, and i don't think that was a very good idea.

[04 Mar 2002|01:14pm]
i think i will stay in bed today.
today is a blur of cold drafts from my walls and music from my stereo that seems so far away. my bed has an electric blanket and fuzzy dogs. i want to stay there.

[04 Mar 2002|05:02pm]
today i ordered my knockers the klown mug! yay :)
i also ordered meat cake #10 , finally, as i found i did not have that one inmy collection. and i was sad to find out that frank #1 is out of print...and i didn't knwo i was missing that and now i do not know how i'll ever obtain a copy! :(

i'm not much of a collector in that i collect things that i have to have ALL of a particular something, but frank and meatcake comics are the two things that i do collect all of it, since it's not as overwhelming as trying to collect EVERYTHING bjork or tori amos ever put out...since that is practically impossible to do and way too expensive for me to get hung up on. another thing i have collected is everything the band The Prisoners ever put out. and i have almost all of that except this one single i am missing and it bums me out that i do not have it.

anyone know japanese? [04 Mar 2002|05:20pm]
i'm trying to figure out how on earth to order THESE JIM WOODRING TOYS
it's all in japanese.
any ideas what it says? i've tried the altavista translator but a lot of what it says are in images...not just text that can be translated by the translator....

http://www.e-timecap.com/

or if anyoen could order for them for me and i could pay them back...i would be eternally grateful! i just have no idea how to order them!

[04 Mar 2002|06:39pm]
having a mini-catharsis in my hallway. i need a FULL catharsis. i need primal scream therapy

[04 Mar 2002|06:42pm]
my mom's not gonna write me. i just know it. the ball is in her court now. and that's where she likes it. fuck her.

WANTED: PSYCHOTHERAPIST/psychologist [04 Mar 2002|07:03pm]
ok, this is a rather tall order, but i am looking for a therapist that is:

female
jungian
believes in reincarnation/parallel lives
new agey...mayeb can work with chakras...energy or can recommend people who can work on a person on that level of healing as well
and is into primal scream therapy
breathwork
hitting thing with sticks and screaming at them to let go of anger...or some sort of anger release work...
and is familiar with narcissistic families and that whole dynamic
and sexual/verbal/emotional/spiritual/soul abuse

is there ANYTHING like this in the twin cities???
maybe someone who would work with me through the telephone or netmeeting?

[04 Mar 2002|07:32pm]
ok, what's the difference between a psychoanalyst...a psycho therapist...and a psychologist?

letter from my mom [04 Mar 2002|09:51pm]
well, i told my mom i would not post her letters in my PUBLIC livejournal, which is why this is friend's only. because i have a right to share this with my friends in private. just to get that out of the way and explain myh view on that.
anyway...here is her response. so...i guess that dialogue is over and done with as far as i'm concerned because there is just no where to go from here with her. i'm not mad that she thinks i may be manic depressive or cyclothemic...because...whatever with that. but just...well...this pretty much speaks for itself. and so...i am officially done with this as far as trying to talk to her. there is just nowhere to go from here with this....
i am kind of in shock...but at the same time, i've heard her say to me much worse than this and so...it's not a surprise. but it is a tremendous disapoinment. which is an understatement. i'm glad i got a response from her as fast as i di so i didn't have to have the waiting pain. i probably knew she was going to say thsi which is why i've been sick all day. i haven't been able to keep any food in me. i've just been laying in the hallway mostly all day by the bathroom feeling that my insides were being ripped out.
now...as i am typing this...i think i am starting to feel a tiny but better...just because at least i got this response and the waiting part is over. nwo i feel as tho i really HAVE done all i could. and...i'm just going to be reading the rest of my books and looking for a therapist to help me deal with my anger and my pain and my loss over this. beyond words really.

her email:

" first of all i should say that i hate doing this because i
don't know how to type and being on the computer screen greatly hurts my
neck, and this is the truth. I would also like to say that i am still very
mad at you,if you could say you were sorry to me for once in your life that
would be a start. I think the things you said about me to your computor pals
were really mean and untrue. I dont give a hoot what they think, but what
you think of me is what hurt. Now, regarding narcissism, no I dont need any
books on the subject. Maybe you forget I worked in psychiatry for about 12
years. Your Dad is not a nacissist, my parents weren't, his parents weren't,
and I am not a narcissist. Whether you are or not is up to you to determine
but you do have some of the criteria according to the official psych
diagnostic manual and you must be aware enough about yourself to see that
you are pretty wrapped up in yourself, and of course you know since you've
been reading about it that although it looks like self centeredness its
under belly is low self esteem. I am so beyond analyzing my 1970s
relationship with my parents that i dont even want to go there anymore. Of
couse as you know i had problems with them but all problems had been
resolved for twenty plus years before they died! And, as problems came up at
that time I addressed them directly. You on the other hand it seems store
things up and remember grudges and pains forever, things i have said I'm
sorry for years ago you never let go of and keep bringing up ad naseum. I
would like to say get over it! Im just adressing my feelings here. I
personally dont believe ive been a bad mother,Im not going to address again
the grief i felt about divorcing you father, that also is old news. For
years i felt responsible for somehow screwing you up because of the divorce,
you know that, and you always said i had been the best mother, so i have no
idea why it is that you see me as so emotionally abusive,etc. etc. The only
thing i can think of is that you think it is because i refuse to accept you
showing your bottom end et al as art and that i think alot of the statements
you make on your web site are vulgar. I have really tried to just not bring
up the subject but you push it all the time by saying, its you and i dont
accept you. It seems to me that you have problems with anyone who criticizes
what you do or say. I do feel sad and angry at the total waste of what i
feel your potential could have been not just in your career,art or whatever,
but in your life of relationship with others. Just us, we have lost tons of
time but you've lost alot with other quality people too. Im just saying
whats on my mind here and as im sure you can tell imangry. I dont want to go
around on this anymore if we just go around in circles. As long as im on the
band wagon ill say one more thing, somthing that when i approach it in the
past you get pissing mad at me. I think there is a strong possibilty that
you are suffering from a very reall mental disorder and i wish you would
address it with your doctor. I think you may be manic depressive, or have a
cyclothemic disorder which is a mild form of manic depressive illness. It
would explain alot of your behavior and problems over the years. I hope you
wont freak out that i say this but if that is the problem, then your anger
is worth me bringing it up. Im not saying this out of hostility, Im saying
this out of genuine concern. This is about all i can say now. I hope you
can wade through my typing problems. I also hope you know that i indeed love
you more that you know. mom "

it's really nice of my mom to tell me that my life's potential with everything has been a waste if she thinks i have self esteem problem's and that i'm manic depressive, tho. that's really lovely and ever so helpful to say to a person you think has low self esteem and think is mentally ill. real nice, mom. thanks for the "love".

----
Re:
ana
2002-03-04 20:31 (from 208.42.90.101) (link)
ya, her entire letter is extremely narcissistic. as it was also: nonempathetic, "know-it-all", denying things (her abuse to me for one thing), distorting truths, and also narcissists don't under stand that once THEY over "over" something...that YOU are not "over" it as well...as really their is no empathy.

also, if she knows so much about it...if i'm a narcissist she would know that that disorder doesn't just appear out of NOwhere for no good reason. it appears because the child is neglected and often is forced to become the parent of the parent for some reason...which is what was the case with me. so, having been a nurse of psychiatry for 15 years ( 15 years BEFORE narcissism was really even been recognized for what it is today )...she really has neglected to see an entire family dynamic going on. basically oblitering all memory of it, it would seem.
and not allowing me ANY time to come to fully realize it myself...or talk about it...or sudy it..or ask any questiosn about it...or have any time to heal about it...nothing. i guess i should be "over" it when she was...which was when i was 15. i guess i should have known all about this by then.

and she wonders why i needed some space before i wanted to just go shopping with her. now i'm just wasting a quality relationship. that's just...actually FUNNY if it weren't so fucking sad.

---
Re:
ana
2002-03-04 20:35 (from 208.42.90.101) (link)
ya, i mean...her critism is "your breasts are grotesque!" " you're vulgar and promote rape!" "i don't want my daughter to go to hell!" "your life is a waste and you live a life that is all lies and deceipt!" "you are stupid and naive!" "you look like a holocaust victim!" to name a few...

basically she is a flamer and uses the same old " you can't take criticism" thing. but it's my MOM!
----
Re:
ana
2002-03-04 20:48 (from 208.42.90.101) (link)
thank you, your words do indeed help, i know that you so totally understand as i know what you go through with your own mother. it is indeed grief. worse than death, in a way.

i remember my mom reading "my mother, my self"
becasue i know my mom never got the love from her mother she so desperately needed either...funny how she can't see that cycle of abuse that is happening here.
---
Re:
ana
2002-03-04 23:30 (from 208.42.90.101) (link)
i told her not to call me. i told her i would only speak to her via email right now. speaking about it via telephone makes it worse.

typing causes her great distress because then her words are actually in form that can be not be distorted later on in conversations. she likes to pretend that she never said certain things. this way there is proof she did. too bad there wasn't email years ago. it would have saved me a lot of confusion and pain over thinking i was crazy for remembering she had said certain things and then denying later on that she never said it.

this is REALLY why it is a "pain in the neck" for her to sit down and actually THINK before she speaks, imo.
----
[05 Mar 2002|12:56pm]
my "exchange" with my mom has me in a rather withdrawn state at the moment.
so...no words today, probably.
i'm just gonna read, or sleep, and look at the snow falling again.

[05 Mar 2002|02:56pm]
sorry if i don't write back people today and stuff. i'm just trying to get through this day one minute at a time. i will do it. but i'm too anxious to even type. tomorrow i see my shrink. one step at a time...one step at a time.

[05 Mar 2002|05:46pm]
all PTV and deiter books sold out.

i'm playing low and it's snowing and snowing.
i can't wait to watch the osbourne family tv thing on mtv tonight, especially now that i know he has a pookadog!

jason is sick with a bad cold and studying his little butt off for a midterm. poor guy!
but he's gonna take a break to watch that show :)

i should take a bath soon and make myself presentable.

MY FRIENDS LIST [05 Mar 2002|06:55pm]
ok...i have , at this time, 712 people who have added me to their friends list.

so far...of those 712...i have added 406 to my friends list...either because i #1 know who you are and trust you because you comment in my livejournal and have never been mean to me #2 i've seen your journal and it looked interesting and you seem trustworthy and i hope you are...#3 i have no idea who you are...but your livejournal name sounded interesting and i hope to god you are trustworthy.

i can only add 500 people to be on my friends list ( that's all livejournal allows you to have ), unfortunately...so....and i would like to add more but i need to know who the rest of you are...if you have added me to your friends list and i have not added you back...and you see this post, please email me at ana101@hotmail.com that you would like to be added to my friends list and i will hope that you are trustworthy.

[06 Mar 2002|07:12am]
oops, i see my shrink on FRIDAY, not today..glad i caught that before i ended up going all the way there!

[06 Mar 2002|12:55pm]
i was looking up the cyclothymic disorder on on the internet to see if that applied to me. and, i could see that from the viewpoint of only knowing me from my journal it might seem that i have that. although, with that disorder you get highs and lows for no inexplicable reason. and with my mood changes, i definitely can pinpoint the reason...it's never just random highs and lows out of nowhere. i can think of a handful of times, i guess, where it seemed out of nowhere, but once i really thought about it, i could pinpoint what it was. i may not always be able to express in here what is all going on with me, so i can see that if you are talking only my journal into account, it could seem i have that sometimes. also i never have manic phases that are not completely related to the fact that i've taken an xenadrine or had too much coffee and the sun is out and this just makes me get a lot done that day. it doesn't make me go off and dangerously binge shop or have delusions of grandeur or start unrealistic business enterprises. and i most CERTAINLY never feel rested with just a few hours of sleep, even tho sometimes i may not get sleep because i'm always constantly fighting my natural biological urge to be a night person by trying to make myself be a day person.
but if i'm wrong, and i do have it...then...i don't see it as being unbearably disruptive to my life, career, or relationships and so i must have a super mild form if i do have it. and so, i don't see any reason to start taking lithium or something to even myself out.

and...for my mom to bring up that i might have that as the cause of my problems with her makes no sense whatsoever. since whether i am laying in my bed on a grey day or up on a sunny day cleaning my house really has nothing to do with ANY of the issues between us. so...once again..."crazymaking"...and once again i'm all looking into if i am , in fact, crazy because my mom seems to want me to be so that she can be free and clear of all charges.

if anyone reads this HAS cyclothymic disorder and would like to explain it to me better, please feel free to do so, since the internet did apeear to have rather limited resources on this subject.

however, on the other hand, i don't know if my brain can even handle thinking about this anymore! i think i should stop reading about disorders and start reading something HAPPY! 'cause man, reading about this stuff for days and days and days really DOESN'T lift the spirits! *oooo, do i feel a happy manic phase coming on?* i sure the hell HOPE so! bring on the happiness! i'm ready for some happiness now! happy happy thoughts!

i also need to turn my attention to happy things so that i feel less rundown. cause i feel rundown from this stress. and jason is sick. and i'm NOT going to get it. no i'm NOT! :) wellness wellness welllness! in mind/body/spirit!
ohhhhhhmmmmmmmm

anyone know some good jokes or something? maybe i should go up today to jason's house and watch the comedy channel or something. i need a good belly laugh!

here's a happy thought: mercury went out of retrograde!

happy thoughts! [06 Mar 2002|01:15pm]
this is the happy thought thread.
respond in here with a happy thought for all!
my happy thoughts for you: fluffy dog butts! cinnamon candles! a well stocked fridge!
spider confetti!, coca cola!, new glitter nail polish!, a new epsode of 6 feet under!, the osbourne family show ROCKED! did u see the pookdog in it? i did :)
GOOD FRIENDS ON LIVEJOURNAL!, jacqui always posts the prettiest pictures that make great wallpaper :)
i love rock and roll, so put another dime in the jukebox baby!

( does this post count as a cyclothymic manic phase?)

[06 Mar 2002|10:20pm]
unquietmind had a son last night! his name is graham! go check out her journal for pictures of him!
yay!!!

[06 Mar 2002|10:57pm]
i gotta lot done today. i FINALLY painted that patch on my floor that was not red! and i rearranged furniture and all sorts of stuff that needed to be done. it's such a nice feeling to get into bed knowing you had a productive day despite EVERYTHING. ya :)

[07 Mar 2002|05:12pm]
i just keep plugging away on my things to do. and that i can keep going and remain functional is something i'm really proud of right now. i just wish that i would stop having conversations in my head with my mother and a few other people that i have unresolved conflicts with. i just go over and over and over it...but it basically boils down to, "you fucking BITCH! have you ANY idea how you have hurt me????" or "you fucking ASSHOLE!! what the FUCK was THAT about???"
and i want my mom back how she used to be. or at least what i thought she was. and i see her face and remember the good times we had and it just fucks with my mind that she could be so kind and yet so cruel all at once. it's such a mindfuck.
this has been the story of my life.
SO FAR. let me start a NEW story. PLEASE.
as i sing in the very beginning of my album "spool forka dish" : " tell me a story...and please don't let the end be cruel"

i made an appointment to see the psychologist woman that i saw twice a year ago and that i liked. i see her on tuesday. i stopped going to her because she asked me to write a paper as to what i'd like to accomplish with my sessions...and i was just stumped to write it. and i'm still stumped...but i have more of a grasp of it now, i think. because i see more of the whole picture of my life and so now i have an actual thread i can follow as to why i behave in certain ways. like why i am so nervous.
also i stopped going to her because i liked her so much that it hurt me that we could never be friends since i was her client. and that just sucked. i wanted her approval so badly that i had to get out of there. i couldn't handle the pain of finally meeting someone who didn't seem like they were going to fuck me over...and just knowing that the only interaction i'd ever have with this person would cost my 120 bucks an hour or whatever it is. i still can't really handle that. i see her and i just want to cry " MOM! LOVE ME!"
it's hideous. i just want to cry thinking about it. and who wants to pay 120 bucks for that? i can feel that way for free.

anyway...i hope i can get something out of it and it's not just money thrown out to the wind. but then, i have to stop thinking fearfully about this money thing. i have to remember that money is an illusion and there is infinite abundance for us all. you may think that is a crock of shit, but that is my belief. and when i feel in that grace of that...things work out. lately i have been in totally fear mode. i don't like that. duh.

something i wrote my dad [07 Mar 2002|05:59pm]
i'm trying to piece things from the past together and i was wondering if you could help me.
i am remembering times when mom seemed very flirty with other men when you were married to her.
when you would have a party at the house or something. she was kind of like this later on with guys when i lived with her...as if that were her tried and true way of getting what she wanted...some attention...some approval...some control...?
i know that she thought she was stupid and i think she thought people only liked her for her body perhaps..a bit.
i remember her coming home from a party once when i lived with her and she was so proud of herself that she had been the "life of the party" and how funny and charming she had been all night and how people loved her.

anyway...i have traits similiar to that. and it never really ocurred to me as to where i might have picked that up. and i'm wondering if i learned that from mom.

i mean, even when i was three years old and we lived in white bear lake in that aprtment, there was this day i went out to the slide, and there was this boy on it who would not let me slide down. and i was just SO sure that i could "charm" him to let me go down the slide. it was like a total test that i was positive i could pass, and a way to control him with my "charm" to let me down. and finally, in the end, he did let me go down the slide and i felt i had this "power" of charm or beauty or something to do this. and i NEEDED to have that boy succumb to me more than i really wanted to go down that slide because i needed to prove to myself that i had power.

now , i think that is an odd way for a 3 year old to think and act...but there you have it. and that has ALWAYS puzzled me. and things are starting to click now...bits and pieces of the past coming together.

maybe when mom did this kind of thing u chose to ignore it, which i think you did...so i don't know if you are going to remember that aspect of things.

but if you can remember anything, please let me know.

another question i have for you is why DID you adopt my brother? why was it your idea?
i am having a feeling that you got my brother for ME , so that i had someone to play with so you didn't feel so guilty that you weren't spending a lot of time with me?
am i wrong in thinking that?

i am trying my hardest to remember what we ever did together when we were in glenville....i really have no memories of just you and i doing something together except for you teaching me sunday school or you sitting and eating dinner with us. all i remember is that you were always THERE but not really "THERE" . you smiled, you talked, you taught me stuff about church, we had dinner, and i remember you typing a lot and i liked the sound of the typing. and we would watch tv as a family sometimes...like the muppet show and laugh in and star trek...and we would laugh together about that.
later on , when i got older, we'd go to movies together

but in glenville...did we spend time together? just you and me? i can't remember anything!

[07 Mar 2002|07:35pm]
SHIT I MISSED SURVIVOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
clue me in!
i'm watching the last 5 minutes here...what are they eating?
oh wait...i'm seeing the last 20 minutes...my clock is off

I LOVE LIBERACE! [07 Mar 2002|08:32pm]
and that's the truth.