anagram 03.07.99

here are some pic from the last few days. I went on that creative burst..then all of a sudden had no more energy. I never thought I'd run out of energy, and now I'm the opposite. partly becaise I went on rampages and tangents in this camgirl only bbs. then I wrote a few rampages to friends and aquaintences. then I went on many verbal rampages in my house. partly I'm just so upset because everything seems to be in this weird standstill again. all of these opportunities arose that I was very excited about, then all of a sudden I'll the people in charge of making these happen..just stopped writing and communicating..and I'm just lik WHAT is that about. these things may still happen. probably. I was just driving me mad not knowing..being kept on the edge like that. and then I find out by the 21st if radioactive is keeping me or dropping me, and I can't figure out why they can't tell me NOW. I mean what is 13 more days to them? it's ridiculous. I feel like I'm just a pice of paper on their desk that they forgot about. meanwhile I have all of these intense feelings..and I'd just like to know something so I can move forward in my life! then I've been working so hard trying to figure out knew technology to stream. still working on it..but that was hours wihin days of maddening computer crashes and everything making no sense to me. now I have this weird affliction that every time I eat or drink anything it feels like I'm swallowing a hammer. here's an email I write to someone on that so I don't have to retype it

"it's not a sickness..it's this weird thing that happened to me when i try to take these one pills i have ( antibiotics for my skin).. just sometimes it feels like they ge stuck in my throat and it stays that way for days. just this one particular pill does this to me. i don't know WHY. but this time it's way worse..when i swallow food or anything i can feel it go all the way down, and it hurts..like food is scraping me on the way down. it really sucks. but i can't fit of of that into a caption , so it's hard 2 explain to people."

I've been writing so much, trying to figure out technology, and being in pain..plus my muscles ache all over from carrying too big and heavy of a box a few days ago. it feels like if I could insert a shall into me in the shape of my body..then make that shell burn and hurt ..it's kinda like that. I hope it'll be better soon. this has been going on for about 3 days.

but despite all of this, I'm in a pretty good mood today..just kind of bitchy. letting the bitchiness out for a release. just need to scream and rant and get it all out. then I'll b fine. I'm kind of watching mary shelly's frankenstein right now..but I'm not paying too much attention. watched a thing on tv about the cold war and afghanistan. watched the simpsons. watched a documentary about barbie. oh! and I bought two goldfish today!!! that made me very happy. but so far they have been sleep goldfish and they are just hanging out at the bottom of the bowl bought some treats for the dogs..of course they always want the one the OTHER dog has. I'm really happy about the goldfish, it brings me back to my childhood, 'cause all I could ever have was goldfish and mice because my mom and brother are deathly allergic to animals. I'm gonna go into the bedroom soon and get warm. watch tv till I fall asleep.