anagram 02.28.99

I'm using a conversation that kundry and I are having in anarchy as today's written section..as I get asked these sorts of things a lot, I thought it would be good to document what I've replied in here, so that if this should come up again I can just direct the person to this anagram for my reply, instead of having to type it out again. it started out as a discussion about me starting my "ana dream" section, a section for dreams people have had about me.

kundry said:

' i often wonder if your site (which i love) is just an ego fest or more of an experiment - to see to what extent a view of the life of one person can influence others. its interesting either way. But it seems like here's this focal point for all these people, it would be cool if a dream page or art page had a broader scope than just 'Ana.' i'm really sorry if this is offensive. i dont' mean it to be.

I replied:

ummmm.... yes, this site is about me, ana. it is the anacam. that's what it is! but how u choose to "see" it...i feel, more reflects on who YOU are. i see the anacam as a giant inkblot..u see what u want to...u see what's inside of U. how u choose to see it...what does that say about u? for me, it's not an ego fest...or a stroking of my ego. i get so much "backlash" and i'm on the cam so much when it is QUITE unflattering..i think it's actually not very GOOD 4 the ego...yet i do it despit that, and try to remain centered. if u would like to go to a website that does NOT focus on "just ana"..then i suggest u visit the MILLIONS of websites out there that don't have anything to do with me. there certainly is a lot to choose from. WHY are YOU here? ( i don't mean that 2 b mean, either..i am seriously curious! :) why don't u start a kundrycam or start your own website? or there are already a lot of websites out there containing many dreams..with the focus on all topics. but with my new section "ana dream", i don't REALLY feel that the dreams are even really ABOUT me, even though i may be a "character" portarayed in them. i think dreams are symbols and messages to tell that person what's really going on inside that person. so actually, the dream is really about THEM..it's not very egotistical at all. the reason i am interested in people's dreams about me...is i like to maybe try to figure out what "i" symbolize to them. i find it very interesting. and this IS the anacam, so it is appropriate. i think the macrocosm can be found in the microcosm, and vice versa...so it doesn't really matter what u focus on..it all comes down to just YOU. who are u? so i think that my anacam DOES NOT exclude anything...i think it's scope is very broad. i don't think it's about "just ana" but "ana' is the THEME of this site. so it makes sense that i'm going to include dreams people had about ME...not dreams about david letterman etc. makes sense to me!

kundry said:

I like that macrocosm/microcosm idea. it makes sense to me. i appreciate your being willing to dialogue about this - i think the whole thing is fascinating. Why am i here? that's an excellent question. i'm trying to understand my voyeuristic side, for one thing. and anonimity. also, i think i have a profound desire to be beautiful and to be seen by others as beautiful, and that is one of the many things your image gains from the anacam (i realize there must be lots of negative results as well). i understand what you're saying about a single focus providing a broad scope. still, i can't help feeling more interesting, more abstract things could be gathered from your fans/members/followers if they weren't just limited to your image or character. but then, i guess this is about media created image, right? so that's what should be focused on. i don't know. it seems you've created a community and i guess i'm wondering what its all about. there's all this deep stuff going on: your art, writing, music, but i'm having trouble reconciling that with the "camgirl" persona. is there no ego involved at all?

I replied:

u wrote: " and anonimity."

i say: why is that important 2 u?

u wrote: " still, i can't help feeling more interesting, more abstract things could be gathered from your fans/members/followers if they weren't just limited to your image or character.

i say: i don't think u r understanding me. how am i limiting anyone? this website is hardly the one and only thing in people's lives who watch me! and i'm not stopping anyone from going out and expressing anything else they feelon some other website. anyone can go out and do whatever and say whatever...whereever... this is MY website, and it's like my VISUAL and written journal/documentary/art project that i have made. this isn't YOUR site or anyone else's. it's MINE. it's about ME ( to me). go off and make your own website about anything else you'd like! this isn't the journal/art project about EVERYONE, or even my fans.. it's my website! LOL! :) also, i'd like to say that i'm not portraying a character or trying 2 uphold any sort of image. if anyone makes anapix.. i feel that is is how THEY see me...it's not ME. and i find it interesting how others see me, and thankfully most choose to want to see me in a "beautiful light" :) ( in the anapix)

u wrote: "but then, i guess this is about media created image, right? so that's what should be focused on."

i say: no...it's not about media created image at all..not to ME. is that what it's about 2 u? people focus on whatever they want to with my cam. some focus on the nudity, some focus on the "art" some focus on my fans, some focus on my writings, some focus on my music, some focus on that i sleep all the time ( in their view), some focus on that i never sleep, some focus on that this must be all a lie, some focus on that i must be raking in the dough on this and it's all about money, some people focus on that i'm doing it 2 stroke my ego, some focus on that i'm doing it out of the lovey to create, or the love for beauty, or the love to share, some focus on that i'm selfish, some people focus on that i'm self-less...some see the "whole picture" etc etc etc etc.... but it's not about the media to me...certainly the media has ben involved.. but the media didn't make this website and the media doesn't control this website.. i do. this website is mine.

u wrote: "it seems you've created a community and i guess i'm wondering what its all about."

i say: i didn't create a community. no one person could ever do that. communities just happen naturally and every single person in the community is just as responsible for it being there as i am , or anyone. "we" all made this community. i'm just lucky that i happened to "be here" as it happened. i didn't PLAN to have a community. and what "that is about"...i guess everyone in this community would have a different answer for what they think it is... what is the community TO YOU?

u wrote: ". there's all this deep stuff going on: your art, writing, music, but i'm having trouble reconciling that with the "camgirl" persona.

i say: as u define me u define yourself. as u limit me, u limit your self. once again, i reiterate that i am not a "persona". i am a person. i chose to put a camcorder in my living room. so what? that invalidates "serious" art? because i have a camcorder? because i watch tv in the nude like a million other people? just because u can see it..that conflicts with anything "deep"? so what is a "camgirl"??? to u? a girl with a cam, ya? is it the nudity that makes u uncomfortable that i can actually make something "deep"? or is it that i'm a girl? or is it that i own a camcorder? somehow if u combine a camcorder with a girl..that should equal shallowness? maybe i'm projecting onto U...but this APPEARS to me to be straight old fashioned sexism. like i've run into a lot. a blonde little cute fake titted girl that is nude couldn't possible do anything "serious". well, that's what i'm about partially. becoming that "icon" then destroying it by doing everything that "persona/icon" shouldn't do. confusion sets in ...and this is the first step towards greater wisdom/freedom, imo. glad 2 make u confused :) to me, it means i'm doing "my job" :) and this is different than people who just try to play "the devil's advocate" game..or like to instigate arguments and generally just piss people off for no good reason, imo. i am passively just BEING...u chose to come here..i;m not crashing in to your world nor trying to shove anything down anyone's throat.

u wrote: "is there no ego involved at all?"

i say: i guess i'm kind of confused as to what the ego even IS. truly. it's hard for me to seperate myself into little pieces. it's hard for me to even seperate ME from my "art". before i answer if there is ego involved.. i want to ask u..what does "ego" mean 2 u? i guess , i think maybe ego means to me is that...ummm.. i don't know.. if it mean's that i think i'm interesting and that i'm worth something and that i'm interesting and worth enough to have all this "hullabaloo" around me and about me, and if i'm worth "studying".. and whether or not i think i deserve a website all about me me me..and i have no shame in that.. and i'm not embarassed about it and i'm not going to go hide in some corner and apologize for shining so brightly... them ya...i guess my ego is involved. it doesn't mean i think i'm god , or better than everyone else, or that i'm totally selfish and i'm going to stomp over people in my "rise 2 the top" ( ya, that sure is an illusion!)... no, i'm not like that. but i love me, i love what i do, and i think it's interesting. i'm having fun...and that's what life's about, imo. i'm a double aries and the motto of aries is i seek myself". that about sums me up. "i seek myself" and i'm a leo rising, which i think is: " i seek myself through what i create". yep, that's what i do. i seem to have found my niche. my "calling" so 2 speak. :) welcome 2 my website!

( to watch this thread grow..if it's going to..it's the thread called "ana dream" feel free to post your feelings and thoughts about this..or anything else for that matter)