anagram 022702

click the pic, dammit.

thingie made these

[21 Feb 2002|01:08am]
grr. no matter where i put my izone film the dogs find it and rip it apart. they have destroyed around 20 packs now. aaaaaa. rrrrrr. WTF??? that stuff isn't cheap!
i'm working a new anagram now.

boobies! [21 Feb 2002|07:47am]
i've been up all night again sifting through years of campix for a possible breast book. i have taken more pictures of my breasts than i can shake a stick at! good lordy! also compiling pix for bath book and feet book and android sex book. then there are some weird categories that i don't know what to call yet. i don't know if i will make these books SOON. but....just checkin around and seeing what i've got. which is a lot. overwhelmingly so! i was tired at 1am and all ready to go to bed...now it's going towards 8am and, gee whiz, my schedule is all whacked again.
i think wallhangings are more satisfying to me to make from my cam pictures than little books. they are so colourful when spread out all at once. i think that i'll make an upsidedown deiterdog wallhanging. seeing them all at once like that is very funny.
seeing all the pictures of my boobs is VERY funny. :) i'm glad i have taken such humourous pictures of them. they do make me laugh daily. i have definitely gotten my money's worth from those wacky thangs.
it's always so interesting to go back and look at my pictures...my life comes back to me so clearly...so many emotions with each picture. it's weird how pictures do that. i would have totally forgotten so many things if it hadn't been for all these pictures. i'm really glad i have them so i have a better grip on what my life was/ is..how i got to point a to b. WHY i got to point b from point a. compare contrast compare contrast. crazy life. cool pictures.
i miss summer! looking at all the summer pictures made me want to open all my windows and smell plants and warm cement.
ok, i am so going to bed now...oh yes. the dogs have taken the bed. the are pups of leisure. it's all cold here now. time for the electric blanket

[21 Feb 2002|09:01am]
ok, NOW i go to sleep!

[21 Feb 2002|04:03pm]
i am not going to work on anything today. i'm going to totally vedge!
smoosh with my pupsters. watch the olympics. i'm making scrambled eggs now.

[21 Feb 2002|07:45pm]
figure skating is on at: 17:45 -- 21:41 MST

what time IS that CST?

oh ya oh yaaaaa [21 Feb 2002|08:00pm]
http://www.mnftiu.cc/mnftiu.cc/war8.html

thanks to stacy for the link :)

[21 Feb 2002|08:15pm]
i am so stupidly hungry. i want a huge salad. that is beyond my reach right now. plus, i'm doing the atkins. i'm boiling eggs. i'm waiting for ice skating to come on.
i feel like chopping all my hair off...i have that winter urge. nothing will move so i just want to chop chop chop. i won't tho. i must resist. still. aaaaaa, i would love to have no hair at this moment and have a huge mediterranean salad in front of me. i have spring fever so badly. gaaaaaa. plus i have pms. ooo, i wanna chop off my hair like a crazy punk pixie!
if i do i will make a cool wig form all my extensions. it wouldn't be the same , tho....aaaaaaa......i will not do anything rash. must...not....cut....
i try so hard to grow my hair out and then i get in these cutting phases where i need my head to be free of all entanglements! EXTRICATE!
gaaaaaa.

i can't seem to slide on into that "grace of the universe" position i was in. how did i click off track? AM i clicked off track? or is everything just fine and this is simply chemical?

i am out of amitriptyline. i have it ready for me at the drugstore but haven't had it for two days. i need to get to the drugstore. i'm just wired if i run out of this stuff. my body is either tripping out and feeling all zippy and icky or i'm so tired i could just lay on the floor and sleep. FUCK.

i am soooooo discontent right now. and i am pissed at a certain friend about being a whiny loser. no one you know. but whatever, they can dig their own grave. i have made every effort to help.

now the irony is i am sounding like a whiny loser. and i AM whiny right now. most definitely. but i'm not a loser.

i am sick of people disapointing me. and i'm sick of disapointing others. oh god this is going NO WHERE.

there is NO POINT typing this!

i'll probably be fine in 10 minutes. just let me pogo about my room and let this out.

[22 Feb 2002|04:00am]
i'm so angry at my parents but i feel so guilty for being angry because
i love them so much and they seem so fragile and i want their acceptance.. and in my mind they are still so perfect. and it all makes no sense.
to express my anger towards them scares me because i don't want to hurt them.
it's so messed up.
i had a good cry over at jason's. i need a few more good cries. and i need to punch something with a pillow and yell at it all the things i want to say to my parents.
my life is a stuart smalley movie all of a sudden.
i think my depression is my repressed anger towards my parents...that is where my irritatability is coming from. rage.
as i finally realize more and more things and things bubble to the surface.
i don't want to think about that anymore now , tho.
i just want to sleep

[22 Feb 2002|04:05am]
tomorrow i'm going on an adventure with my friend kiitos
i'll bring my cam :)

[22 Feb 2002|02:19pm]
I'M LEAVING AT 4PM. oops caps lock.
time to play miss e and GET READY! i'm going out with kiitos out to dinner and then to her art show. she does beautiful paintings. i'll bring my laptopcam with and hopefully i'll be able to get connected here and there and show where i am :)
i woke up late 'cause i didn't go to sleep until 4:30am...i wish i had 3 hours to get ready. it takes me so long to wake up and get all my stuff together and get all fabu.

[22 Feb 2002|04:46pm]
ok, i'm not gonna take the cam with. sorry. i'm just too irritable today to deal with it.

[23 Feb 2002|01:05pm]
relationship problems again.
it could be the end.
i feel ultra hollow

[23 Feb 2002|01:39pm]
i have terrible anxiety and cannot eat. i need to get to the drugstore to get my amitriptyline. i have ot get to a cash machine so i can take a cab. i have to pull myself together to do this. and buy some tums. but i can't stop crying. i feel like i'm floating in space with nothing to hang onto. i need to get a grip. i need to get grounded. i'm scared. i'm lost. i have never had to deal with loss before at this grand of a scale. i don't feel suicidal at all. but i do wish that today i was just not here.

[23 Feb 2002|03:42pm]
things better. working things out. i feel like a floppy rag.
jaosn took me to gte my medication, so that is good. now i won't get my migraine headache when my period comes any minute now.
got some food, gonna try to eat it. egg salad sandwhich.
i think i will read today "the narcissistic family: diagnosis and treatment". my friend howie got it for me and i am very grateful for that.
must lay low and recharge my batteries. i'm not really great at going out to bars, even tho i have fun, i get way too overstimulated.
i'm ok. i'm doing better. just gotta lay low now and recharge my batteries big time.
thank you everyone for your words of love and support, thank you so very much

at this moment i'm feeling more grounded and "normalized"
i'm sifting through campix for a new anagram and waking up with a diet coke.
i love going through the pix of me sleeping to see how the dogs shift around me all night. i'm glad that sebastian doesn't pee in my bed anymore so they all can sleep with me now. thank god that phase is over! :) and he never goes in the wrong spot anymore...he knows where to go..in the litter box place...but the only problem that remains is he is a poop eater. so he'll then drag it out to the living room to eat it. ewww.

[24 Feb 2002|10:53am]
the other day <"lj user="kiitos"> took me out to dinner at a place called Oceanview in the Hyatt downtown Mpls. expensive! i order 4 different kinds of raw oysters. they have about 12 different kinds from different bays from the east coast. like i would know if i want one from massachusetts or conneticut! i do not know the nuances of raw oysters. i couldn't tell any difference between any of the kinds. the all tasted equally yummy. and i also had this appetizer called "clams casino" that was DELISH! cooked clams wrapped in bacon with butter and served in the shell. mmmm :)
i wish i could go back there and order one of each kind of oyster and ten have someone talkm me through what i could be looking for in differences between the oysers from the different bays.
i think i will do that someday. they ae 2 bucks an oyster...so it would be about 24 bucks to find out...which isn't a bad deal for finding out sonmething new.
the also have yummy mashed potatoes. heaps!
thank you kiitos for taking me there! i love to try new food!
she was dressed so lovely..she looked like grace kelly and her boyfriend came along, too. then there was me...ms. rock star sex pot space alien. i sort of felt like the hooker in "pretty woman" as i was trying to figure out that whole oyster thing. i thought one of them was going to come flying out and hit someone in the eye or something. i was clueless. kiitos said everyone was staring at me at first...but after awhile...they stopped.

gumball bread [24 Feb 2002|11:04am]
hey, howief , i had a dream you were in. you owned this huge food factory and were showing me how to price the boxes on the conveyer belt. a lot of your stuff was bakery goods ( i dream A LOT about bakery goods ), and you had some special bread that was of your recipe. one was called "gumball bread"...and it was like a cinnamon swirl bread except using crushed gumballs instead of cinnamon. it looked really good and the packaging was so cool :)

[24 Feb 2002|01:24pm]
well, i'm feeling rotten again. some things aren't really worked out at all and i have some things to work on and i don't knwo where to begin with it. this is bumming jason out hugely, to put it mildly. and i feel just awful, to put it mildly. there are no words. and no way to type this out since it would only be so out of context since i can talk about some stuff but not other stuff. so...

on top of that my mom called jason to get his advice on me, and he talked to her for 2 hours this morning which makes me feel very uncomfortable on many different levels. and i don't know what good that did, if any. but i gotta hand it to jason for actually going there with her and talking. but i feel awful that he was put in that position. and he's trying to remain as neutral and fair as possible. i think he did a good job. i am just so jaded that i don't feel it will do any good with anything...but i hope i am wrong. and that's all i'll say about that since it all seems like a blur in my body right now, and i'm sure it does to him, too.

it seems that every intense psychological thing that could happen is happening right now. and i can't help but feel that jason would be better off without me in the long run because of all this baggage. and he has enough of his own stuff to deal with without mine on top of it. and i just feel guilty as hell and we both feel utterly drained and confused and just augh.

they say things go in 9 year cycles. like the things that are happening to you right now are similiar to the things that happened to you if you go back 9 years. if i go back 9 years, i was 27..almost 28...and indeed that time was one of the most difficult horrible times of my life and probably the time i most wanted to die.

i do not at all want to die this time around, probably because i know that i can make it through this. but damn. this is a really fuct up time for me.

everything is in question and i don't know down from up. but at the same time i do know things now that i never knew before.

boundries and mood swings [24 Feb 2002|04:08pm]
i find it ironic that my mom would write awhile back , "I have boundaries, but that is obviously one characteristic you didn't inherit from me"

as she is upset with me that i set a boundry with her.

now i find out that children of narcisistic parents do NOT learn how to set boundries since we were not allowed to have any....but this is something which i'm working on. so her statement that i did not learn it from her is absolutely true. she meant that as an insult to me when actually it is a big 'ol slap right back at her about her parenting skills.
karma batch atcha mom! ( yes, i'm full of rage )

she told jason that she thought she gave me enough "space"...as if she should be the one to define how much space i need and for how long. and then to reprimand me for not having any boundries as i clearly am trying here to set some. talk about mixed messages.

anyway. i need to work on setting boundries. i have great difficulty over that which is one of the reasons i do not leave my house as often as other people do. i simply have a very hard time putting up boundries, knowing where boundries are, setting up boundries and not having the fear that it will piss people off by setting them. which it does...from my experience.

i'm trying REALLY REALLY hard not to just cut off everyone from my life right now and totally retreat. my fear of disapointing others and my anger at them for disapointing me is overwhelming.

i know everything logically. but inside i am reverting to a frightened child.
reading these books i don't know if it is helping me or hindering me. all i do is question myself more and more...and the more i do the more it seems that i don't know who i am. i feel like i'm disappearing. i read that traits discussed in the books and say am i that? do i do that? i don't THINK i do that? but am i just oblviious or in denial somehow?
i don't know who to believe. today my intutition feels absolutely gone. everything is uncertain to me.

it's like i'm trying TOO hard to fit into the book just so that i can make sense of everything. because if i fit in the book, then something is concrete or something.

but i know that after i step back from these books i will get more of a perspective. i'll definitely need some time find the parts that actually fit with me and discard the rest.

usually that is a process that is so easy for me. i am usually so sure of who i am..because i HAVE lost myself before and then found myself...i thought i knew myself EXTRA well.

but now i'm second guessing everything i do. and i don't know if that is me doing that..or the books..or my wish to be wrong so i can please my mom.

i haven't felt this bad off since i was 19.

the thing is...if i imagine removing the people from my life that are having a hard time with me...i feel pretty darn OK with myself. i feel i'm really hanging in there and for the shit i've been through, i'm doing remarkably well. maybe this is really just all some sort of horrible lie i've made up for myself. but i don't THINK so! argh.
but imagining removing people and actually removing them are two entirely different things. i could get what i think would be good...but would that really be good? would that really solve my problem or just allow me to sink into a life of delusion? and then sometimes...a life of delusion sounds pretty darn appealing.

my mom already THINKS i'm living a life of delusion...so....if she reads this i know she'll be feeling smug. that is my unfair assumption of what she would think. but my mom also thinks that my post traumatic stress syndrome from all my sexual abuse and harrassment is also some sort of delusion.
AUGH! i don't want to CARE about what she thinks anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like my mood swings. this seems to be a cause of major concern to a few of my loved ones. but this is not a major concern for me. in fact, the more they make it a major concern..the crazier i feel for not feeling that it is. sure, i don't want mood swings...who does? but *I* am fine with my mood swings. i know that when i get depressed i'll be better again. and i simply wait. i think my mood swings are perfectly understandable and reasonable when viewed in the context of my whole life. they don't seem to be "not fitting" into anything. they make perfect sense to me. and so i don't fear them. it's just part of my life. i think it would be weird if i DIDN'T have mood swings the way i do given the context of who i am and the life i lead and all the internal and external circumstances. i don't feel threatened by them. i don't feel defined by them . they are just there and to me they are really normal and natural.

ok, so that's THAT about my mood swings. ok. i do have the me who knows who i am back in there. not too far back. thank god.

and mom, i think that calling up my boyfriend was LAME.
asking him what does HE think of my website. as IF. it's always about what others think about me isn't it? never how i feel about MY website. no, that doesn't matter. must..seek...outward...approval.

and here i am typing this needing outward approval. where do u think i learned that?
huh? validation validation validation validation.

do you KNOW how hard i'm working to unlearn that???????

you wanna KNOW something...why not WRITE me. i only told you a trillion time that you could do that. but oh no...let's pretend i told you that you could have no contact with me whatsoever.

i won't post your emails in here anymore, since that is your wish, but i will STILL write about my feelings in here. that's my right. you do not own my journal and you do not own the right to tell me not to talk about you. you may not LIKE it....and that is certainly understandable. but you are my mother. you are an intrinsic part of me. forever. no matter if we talk or do not talk. and you cannot take back the part that gave me life and say THIS part..this part where i am in you as your mother (oh wow, what a HUGE freudian slip that was!!!!!)...you cannot say i cannot express that part.you cannot forbid me. you CANNOT control it. it's not yours to control.

raw oysters [24 Feb 2002|04:28pm]
is it true that when you eat raw oysters...they are ALWAYS alive...never just dead and raw...they are ALWAYS alive???
115 comments|post comment

NOW i know what pooka is up to! [24 Feb 2002|10:02pm]

http://www.mtv.com/onair/osbournes/flipbook/images/02.jpg

children of the self absorbed [25 Feb 2002|12:06am]
thingie you MUST read this book! anyone with critical parents that will not stop being verbally abusive, etc...absolutely must read this book! stacy i think you could also benefit SO MUCH from reading this book! thank you to howief for buying me this book! ( you should read it! )

i wish i could type out all the pages in here. i keep wanting you all to be with me as i read this and i want to read it to you! if we read it together side by side we would be snorkling and crying and going oh my GOD did you get to THAT paragraph?? does that not just say it how it is honeyyyyyyyy! yo.

this looks like a damn good book to: it's called:

Bully in Sight: How to Predict, Resist, Challenge and Combat Workplace Bullies by Tim Field.

now that is something i'll bet A LOT of us can relate to and need skills to cope with!

are there any books about parents that just weren't there for you at all? just were THERE but not really THERE is you get my drift. neglectful..distant...emotionally unavilable...oh wait...i am finding a ton on amazon right now under "emotional unavailability"

[25 Feb 2002|02:11pm]
wow, i haven't finished a book since i discovered the internet (!!!), since i read so much on the internet.
but i finished 2 books, yay :)
hoping to clean today a bit. playing miss e. diet coke
intermittent sun today. atkins chocolate coconut bar ( yum! )
gonna get back to the books, too

is there anything that will polish silver besides silver polish? [25 Feb 2002|03:36pm]
after reading thos ebooks..and now having a sunny day listening to loud wonderful music and going on a cleaning spree...it feels good!

[25 Feb 2002|07:36pm]
toothpaste works great to polish silver :) awhile ago i put all my rocks in sea salt to purify to. i took them out the other day and now have them cleaned and arranged on my littel table. so pretty! i am getting a lot of cleaning done today. laundry, dishes, kitchen, floors, odds and ends, garbage, gonna tackle the bathroom.
listening to nick cave. just ate some hotdogs ( yuck ). jason's at school and when he comes home we are gonna snuggle.

[26 Feb 2002|10:47am]
my bathroom and kitchen are soooo clean :) isn't it such a nice feeling to wake up to nice clean rooms? i still have a bit more to go...but it's looking so pretty. ah :) "surfaces, sweet darling, surfaces" ( reference to abfab). tonight i'll take a bath in a clean tub in a clean bathroom. and i'm reorganizing all my bath stuff and getting rid of stuff i never use.

[26 Feb 2002|02:02pm]
working on books instead of cleaning. listening to philip glass. it's snowing out. my stomache feels yucky. i might take a nap soon.

is there anyone in the twin cities area who can make a mold of my body? i figure the first step would be to get a plaster mold. but it would be nicer to use more lightweight materials if possible. and then i need to make another mold from that so that my dewing dummy thing can be made of a material i can stick pins into. like a foam type material?

i'm sorry for any typos in here right now...the sun is shining directly onto my monitor and i can't see a thingl. the sun makes me so happy :) i swear i must be some sort of plant life instead of mammal.

but it's only 21 degrees out. brrrrr.

i've been listening to wire's 154 when i go outside. but today i think calls for something else...i don't know what yet will be the soundtrack to my journey outside. i always have to have my walkman on when i go outside. to go out without it is just too brutal for me. i need music to shield me and keep me in a little bubble.

[27 Feb 2002|04:48pm]
ah, got lots done today and it took a lot of walking so that felt so wonderful. was listening to siouxie and the banshees "kaleidoscope" on my walkman. i have to get that on cd someday. got to the bank, the p.o. box, brought in little book covers to be laminated. ate a sandwhich and drank one of those red bull things. stopped myself from buying things that i do not need because i want all my money to go into my art or into paying bills.
finally got my period. ROCK!
i just need to go food shopping still..jason will be home from work soon so maybe he will want to go food shopping since he has no food either. i think i will stop the atkin's thing 'cause it's driving me nuts now. time to eat vegetables and excercise instead.

and the maintenance man came up and fixed my fridge and turned my oven on to self clean...since i couldn't figure that out.

[27 Feb 2002|05:04pm]
verbminx made me a copy of the ladytron cd :) w00t! plus lots of glitter all over my bed from the package :) *meow* :)
also michelle sent me lots of yummy black patchouli candles and FISHNETS! kick ASS!
like duckdoo sez: " i'm rich!"

i have a bunch of anacam biz stuff i must get caught up with now.
it smells like i'm cooking something in here 'cause my self cleaning oven is on.

[27 Feb 2002|11:50pm]
boink!
jason's here :) and i love him :)