anagram 021902

[15 Feb 2002|02:38am]
jason took me out for sushi at kikugawa. i was in heaven :) i ate until i was so puffed i looked like i was going to give birth to a barrel of sea monkeys :)
came home, saw the men's figure skating, made a new anagram. the dogs and i just ate some left over pizza from a few days ago. i went off the atkin's diet for a few days. but i'm going to go back on it tomorrow ( after i finish that mountain dew code red in my fridge ) so sleepy now...time to zonk.
i took the pussy tv books to a printer because they are going to do a good job and they gave me a reasonable deal. this will save me insane amounts of time, but there are more extra pages i am going to print on my printer. i was so shy bringing them in there. i couldn't even let them see it until i left the store. i have no idea what they will think of it as they print it! i hope they finish tomorrow and i can start working on them. i wonder if they will treat me differently or act weird around me in anyway because of that book. i wonder if they will find it obscene and disgusting or hilariously funny? i wonder if they will make copies for themselves? i am shy to go in there tomorrow ot see what their reaction will be! maybe they will give me no reaction. i wouldn't care what these people thought if they were not part of my physical surroundings.
i think it will all be ok, they seem nice enough. but i just don't trust people much these days not to weird out on me, unfortunately.

the "professional" world [15 Feb 2002|11:32am]
i wrote this in reply to a friend. it's a rant.

"i am so SICK of "professionalism" in the way it is used to repress the human spirit and all emotion. in the way it is used as a way to abuse and invalidate a person's humanness and feelings. as if we are bots who are empty cans. as if.
they are the ones who lose. because they are the ones who ARE the empty cans. cans who feel nothing when kicked. cans who are easily recycled and feel nothing ever.

be glad for who you are. be glad that you express yourself. be glad that you can feel and bring humanness to the working world which is grwoing more and more devoid of any empathy of any knowledge of what a human body even is. as if we don't need sleep. as if there is no room for life to happen.

someday there has to be a backlash at this on a large global scale...when we, as a whole, realize that we are pushing ourselves into sickness by this way of working.

not even 50 years ago did people have to deal with this kind of stress on our mind/body/spirits.

there was a time when an artist didn't HAVE to sell millions of copies of "product" WORLDWIDE" in order not to be seen as a failure. there was a time when companies were not global. we live in a unique time that a company can go global and deal in these large quantities and with every culture of the world. but going about it all with such greediness and naiveity ( sp? )..immmatureness.

ironic to "go global" yet be so unholisitic.
stock holders make decisions for companies they know nothing about. nothing connected and informed. yet..more information than we have ever had.

so many are confused. wrecked. overloaded. poor decision making. because so much is to be had...but so much is being LOST by not slowing down and taking the time to do things right.

GREED, it is. time is money. but time is LIFE. and in that time and life are WE...people who need to eat the right foods, and have the right amount of sleep, and have healthy interactions with other healthy people...to learn and grow and not just go go go go global.

it's fear. and greed. it has to stop. i mean, it WILL kill people off...it is already at an alarming rate.

and no one can see the connection between this kind of thing you go through and sickness?

but now we need to make pigs for donors to keep us alive. because we are too fucking stupid just to take care of our bodies in the first place. but we haven't been taught to. we are so unconnected.

YOU are connected. you get disconnected...we all do...but in the end you connect. you are lucky. you are smart. you have your LIFE. you are not empty. "

am i freaking over nothing? [15 Feb 2002|12:01pm]
my dad wrote me a few times saying that he was here for me. but not saying much more than that. then i sent him that big long thing about narcisissim....i have it as a friend's only post from a few days ago in here. i didn't need him to write back and agree...or really anything like that. but i guess i thought he would at least have some sort of response like, " wow, i am sorry you are going through this", or "got your email, that is pretty intense" or " i don't know what to make of that" ...something. it was the 6th that i wrote that to him. so it's been over a week now....
yesterday i wrote him a little email just asking him what's up and did i freak him out or something. i still haven't heard back. *I* am a bit freaked out that i haven't heard a single thing from him since i sent him that email. i don't know what's going on. maybe it's just my own paranoia. is he mad at me about something? has my mom been talking to him on the phone and has she convinced him that i am nuts or something? i know that she calls him up on the phone when we fight and tried to win him over and boo hoo him. she does an excellent job of it, too.
i think my mom and i both fight over my dad's approval. i think mom usually wins because she is the mom. i don't feel that either of my parents see me as a full fledged adult that i am, simply because i do not lead the normal adult life. and i feel i always have a disadvantage because my brother is such an utter fuck up that he is the one that has taken all my parents energy and i feel then there is none left for me. i feel that i have to "buck up" as much as possible when i am around them because they have already had to go through too much with my brother.
but then i have to realize that these are the decisions that THEY made. i cut myself off from my brother because he was so abusive, and my parents never understood this, especially my mom. she always pushed me to send him birthday cards or to call him. she couldn't see that was like, to me, sending a birthday card to my terrorist.
my dad, with the profession he has chosen...to be a minister....is a very emotionally taxing job. but he picked it. not me. i keep thinking that i have to somehow make up for their own decisions. like "dad chose to be a minister and he is emotionally taxed..therefore..i better not bring up anything emotional about me that he would have to deal with because that wouldn't be fair to him...he already has so mcuh to deal with"
but i have to keep telling myself that he CHOSE that life. i shouldn't have to smash things inside and request less from my parents just because of the life choices they have made. they also CHOSE to have me! and with that...there comes a daughter...for life. and they do not OWE me anything legally, or even anything whatsoever in any way now that i am over 18....but there is still the family bond that will be there. and THAT in itself still means no obligation either. i mean, they have every right to cut me off from their lives if they feel i am too much to deal with or something..i don''t know. which i wouldn't think i am. i try to be as unobtrusive as i possibly can. just only in the last few years have i made a bit of a ripple when mom decided to go at me full force because of my life decision's. so, my dad doesn't OWE me an email or anything. or any response at all.
still....he said he would be there for me....and he is really not being there at ALL. so...i feel a bit betrayed here.
maybe he changed his mind. maybe he realized he bit off more than he can chew. i don't know what is going on with his life right now. maybe there is a plethora of funerals or weddings or something this week. i don't know. i just expect that if someone says they will be there...that a person would email back SOMETHING just SOMETHING.
my trust in what they say is narrowing by the minute. i feel betrayed. and at the same time i feel guilty for sending him off that email...like i overloaded him and it's my fault. i came on too strong. i should have tempered my way because now he has retreated from me. i hate this feeling. i am trying to detach from it. but it is very hard.
my dad does not like strong emotion. i am a lot like mom in that way...in that i am very emotional. and dad never liked that in her. but dad is wayyy too detached. still, i wish i had that skill of detachment....but i think that really it is he who loses in the end because of it. or maybe not...i don't know....
maybe i will get an email from him any second...this feels like some sort of a game of "catch dad" i hate this. i've been playing this game all my life.

[15 Feb 2002|12:56pm]
went to the printers and got my pussy tv stuff. looks very good! cost: $569
now each sheet needs to be cut 8 times ( there are 8 pictures each side )..and then three holes punched into each one of those. then the covers to be laminated...then it all to be hand tied together. THEN make a book mark with one of my hair extensions and make the extra surprise that goes with. THEN do the same thing with the upside down deiter dog books. i have my work cut out for me today. no pun intended. i am REALLY happy to have reached this stage in the developement of the books and i'm glad that i have a very concrete thing to do today to keep my mind off things. i will blast my music and cut cut cut :) gonna listen to rufus wainwright

jason's music :) [15 Feb 2002|06:56pm]
NotNew-New-Ousia Track

From the upcoming CD "Face the Robot"..."Robot Out" by Ousia (recorded live 1998 in Paul's basement)
(click here to download - 6 MB)

and don't forget:
snowbient!

[15 Feb 2002|07:21pm]
i'm going over to jason's now to work on my books more while he works on the snowbient site. i'll be on cam#2.
it's good i have my books to work on. i'm trying very much to stay in the now and do that "thoughts are clouds passing overhead and are not me" thing. my brain wants to compulsively search and scan the database of my entire history searching for clues to answers. searching to make things clear and not distorted. i don't think it's doing much good. so i am trying to be who i am within the moment instead of stuck in the hurricane of memories my mind keeps blowing in my face at such alarming speed i cannot make head nor tails of it. little film clips looping over and over and over.
i really need to scandisk and defragment my brain and get rid of files that are not being used by any other programmes. and get rid of programmmes altogether that are serving me no purpose other than to hog up my harddrive.
ah, just writing that out made me feel better and something was let go of. my skin went all goose pimply. thank you for everyone who is sending me good vibes. i wasn't able to receive them until just now. i just made room for them. thank you. i send you back good vibes as well!
i'm glad i have you all as my friends. you help me as i help you. it's a good thing :) we are all going to make it through even though it may never get any less sticky or confusing. at least we have each other. we have here. and that is something to be thankful for in a major way.

[16 Feb 2002|05:55pm]
my dad wrote back finally. said he had just been busy and the time passed quickly. so that's that.
i've been cutting out books like a maniac. the next time i get this done i am going to haver them cut them for me because cutting them all out individually with scissors is insane! live and learn! they are going to turn out very nice , tho :)
that's all i've been up to...working on the books...and that's all i'll be doing for a few days probably...

[16 Feb 2002|07:08pm]
i'm taking a break from making little books by making a new anagram.

i just figured out that just from the pussy tv books that i am making so far ( 44...33 were ordered...10 are extra )...i will be punching 11, 616 holes with a paper puncher in them so that they can be tied together. must add professional paper puncher to the list of things to buy.

[16 Feb 2002|07:55pm]
ok, new anagram up...and now i go back to making my little books. go me!
jason is at band practice for http://www.snowbient.com
but should be back soon, i think.
time to light all my candles...and listen to nick drake
and putting on pure rose oil always lifts my spirits, too. must get more of that, as well. has to be pure , tho...no additives

what is minimum wage these days, just out of interest...because i would like to pay someone to type out my journals.?

[16 Feb 2002|08:27pm]
rose oil

i once had a dream that if people plants roses all over the planet, it would help to heal, balance and align the planet and it's people and create harmony. i really believe this to be true
29 comments|post comment

MEDJUGORJE---a picture of jesus? [16 Feb 2002|11:40pm]

my friend's friend's mother visited MEDJUGORJE
she took a picture of the hill that the children had seen a vision of the virgin mary or jesus on.
i am not catholic. i am not even a christian..although many things jesus said was totally right on and that has had a profound effect on me.
anyway...this picture....i have a friend named teresa who i trust but have not seen in years. we worked together at ragstock. one day she brought in some pix that were taken on a kodak camera and brought to insta prints by her other best friend''s mother who had visited MEDJUGORJE.
she took a picture of the hill, and this what ended up being devoloped on her film.
whether it is actually jesus...or just the intensity of everyone's thoughts/wishes at that place that manifested this...
it is really quite exrtraordinarily remarkable. this picture has not been published publically in any way util now,
make of it what you will, but to me, it just shows that we live in a place...or we..with our minds...creating "thought forms" is truly....unspeakably remarkable. and we have barely even begun to touch the surface.

[18 Feb 2002|03:41pm]
i'm back. i was over at jason's working on the pussy tv books. cutting them out. they are FINALLY cut out ( after 4 days! ). it was maddening! nice to see them in order now...wrapped each one up in a rubber band...now...to punching the holes....all 11,616 of them!
i haven't decided yet if i will make laminated covers or fake fur covers :)

pretty darn nifty bit of info! [18 Feb 2002|10:30pm]
moricand wrote this under the bed
"Did any of you know that on this Wednesday night at exactly 8:02, something will happen that will never ever happen again??????? An historic ( To say the least ) moment in time. Something will happen that hasn't occured in 1,001 years and will never, ever, occur again....EVER! When the clock strikes 8:02pm, for sixty seconds, we will be ( In military time ) in perfect symmetry ........20:02, 20/02, 2002.....Last time for this occurence.....10:01, 10/01, 1001......Because our timekeeping limits itself to a 24 hour clock ( Last time measurement being 23:59 ) this momentous occasion will never occur again. Hmmmmm......I wonder what energies will be awash on our little planet in these moments....Time for momentous change.......I say. Peace, love, light and wisdom to all of you........moricand "

[19 Feb 2002|01:18pm]
could a person plant roses indoors and not have it be a huge difficult ordeal?

gaaa. it's super rainyish today and grey. almost foggy. i was going to start walking today for excercise since it's so warmish here. ( yesterday was 50 degrees! ), but the grey makes me want to curl up in blankets.
i will continue on with my books....watch the olympics that carolyn taped for me, and have a fresca and a coconut chocolate atkins bar and some cholorella supplements.
today on oprah:
"Making Peace with Your Past
Are you hanging on to feelings of guilt from something that happened in your past? Dr. Phil is back with advice about making peace and moving on."
my black ink should have arrvived. they took my money out of my bank. it better be here and i better not have to hassle with them on the phone. eee. i hate that.
oh man, i have so much more stuff to do today, too. days worth of anancam biz stuff that got left behind because i have been so focused on the books. ack! i have my day cut out for me.

here are some oprah questions:
1. Did you at one time listen carefully to your innermost voice? Describe this moment. When was it and what was the circumstance? Do you suspect that somehow, somewhere along the way, you have lost contact with it?

2. Is your behavioral life, your public persona, at odds with the values, beliefs, desires, passions and visions that define your authentic self? If so, how?

3. Do you know, today, in vivid detail, who the authentic you is? Or are you living a compromised existence?

4.What do you really believe about yourself at the core of your existence? What is the story you really live? What are the truths that instinctively guide how you behave? How would you describe yourself (i.e., "I am loving." "I'm not good enough.")? What is your personal truth? Be candid. Be honest.

[19 Feb 2002|03:51pm]
i'm putting too much pressure on myself about these books. i am working too hard on them to the point that it is not good for me. i have to stop redoing them and perfecting them or it will drive me crazy. i am paranoid that my books won't be good enough and that people will be unhappy with them. i'm being really insecure. i feel stupid because of this. i can do only what i can do.
i'm scared that if people don't like their little books, they won't want to buy any of my other little books i want to make. and i feel i need to make littel books because i need more income. and also i love to make them. but i don't think i like making so many. or at least i have not found a method yet that is melodious.
i think the ones i make in the future will be made much more easily. this has been a learning experience. i can't expect myself to get it perfect on the first try. i am being way too hard on myself. i've exhausted myself. but i have to see it through because i have to, for obvious reasons.
oh my.
i am NOT following my inner joy right now. and i don't seem to have a lot of inner joy to go on here...lately. i need to recharge my batteries...but even that sounds boring.
i feel trapped. scared. fearful of homelessness. fear of a life filled with hardship and no consilation, reconciliation, resolution, satisfaction. i feel like stewart smalley all of a sudden.
augh times infinity.
this all could pass in 5 minutes. i don't know.
all i know is that i'm being to hard on myself. and then i have my family who i feel is too hard on me. there seems to be nowhere soft at the moment.
i'm going to go snuggle with my dogs and hope this ickiness will pass soon.
i'm being ridiculous, i know. i'll feel better soon. don't worry. just need to type.

[19 Feb 2002|04:07pm]
i can only take one day at a time and do the best i can. and whatever happens happens. i will trust in the universe to hold me.

i feel that too many expectations are put on me, and i feel that i let that heppen. i also feel that i put too many expectations on myself.
however, i still want to keep evolving and growing and pushing my limits...it is a fine line.

[19 Feb 2002|06:01pm]
i'm printing out the deiter dog books now. for the pussy tv books i have left to make covers for them and bind them. i'm getting there. it feels good.
my black ink arrived. jason said i can have some of his food so now i don't have to go out and get any which relieves me immensely.
i'm going back on the atkins after a week break from it. i lost 3 piunds but gained them back. i only want to lose 5. they say that losing the last 5 pounds are the hardest. thsi appears to be true. but as soon as i start walking every day i don't see this as being much of a problem. still, it's agggravating to be so close but stuck on those last 5 pounds. but i should be happy for what i HAVE lost and kept off which is almost 20 pounds. can u believe that?
i keep thinking my dad or my mom is reading my journal and disapproving immensely of me making pussy tv books. i hate feeling that way. whatever.

i have the book system a lot more under control so that when i make future books i will not go through all this trial and error i did with these two books.
i will also bring them to a place to have them but them for me, and punch the holes, too, if that is possible. i love conceiving them. but i'm not a factory.

i think the olympics tonight should be really cool. women's figure skating.

i have so many dishes to wash and things to clean. my house is going to hell. life.

i have so much to be thankful for. i'm going to get myself out of this negative fear cycle.

i think i just need some scrambled eggs. it's always something so simple as that.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THEM :)

and thanks to duckydoo for showing me this link:
http://www.libida.com/
"Libida's sole purpose is to increase women's pleasure and sexual knowledge. "
lots to look at there!

stop brain stop [20 Feb 2002|02:41am]
i should be asleep and in bed. i should be tired. i'm out of amitriptilyne which helps me not get migraine headaches uring my period. i have to take it daily as a preventative. it is also a sedatory antidepressant ( which isn't why i take it...but hey..can't hurt!)...so i'm not as tired as i'd like to be at this moment.
i see my dr. soon, tho...in march...i think i will have him call in a prescription tho NOW 'cause my period is coming up and i cannot bear to have a migarine headache.
i just took an antihistimine 'cause i was sneexy..and i hope that helps me get to sleep.
gonna crawl back into bed now.
mind whirling a mile a minute. stop brain stop.

i think i will write a children's book called "stop brain stop"

see ana's brain go.
stop brain stop!

[20 Feb 2002|12:50pm]
ack. terrible dreams about forced alien mutant births. , being drowned in bathtubs for films, trying to give yourself an abortion then burying it in the backyard. ack. more to it than that but that's all i can type as i just woke up and i'm so groggy.

so much for 50 degree weather and no snow. it's snowing out right now and cold in here. brrrr.

nick drake. snow. diet 7up. [20 Feb 2002|01:51pm]
caught up a week's worth of anacam biz. now i'm printing the 2nd half of the deiter book. i'm going to get ready to go to the bank. 1st gotta take out the garbage.

[20 Feb 2002|05:10pm]
ack. don't leave the house if you feel you might be sick. rule #1.
must have been something i ate. the place i went to pay off a bill wasn't even there anymore...but i did discover some neat old fashioned bathrooms that i'll have to go back to when i'm WELL and take pictures of. there is a ton to that building that i did not even know of. cavernous. mysterious. hallways. stairwells. and almost completely empty , as usual.
that's why i love my neighbourhood. it's kinda like new york..except it's clean and empty...and doesn't have and neat stores...or variety...or...ok..it's not like new york at all. but it's mysterious and old and empty, and i love that.

i didn't make it to the bank. i just made it from bathroom to bathroom and thank god i'm now home. and then hitting the cold snow outside falling ever so softly and wire's 154 playing through my muffly earphones through my muffly extensions while i'm slightly dizzy, it felt surreal and dreamy.

i'm glad to come home to my house that is cleaner than it was when i woke up. spacious. diet 7up. dogs. i didn't get to the store to buy food either. jason says he has some eggs i can have. i'm so hungry but afraid to eat until my stomache settles.

what i DID get accomplished tho was that i found out some info on where and when and how to go to an orientation meeting so that i can start having my own cable access show! and it was good to get some fresh air.

when i saw that bjork video for her song cocoon...i just hit me 500% harder that what i want to do is film and video. of course, i have no way of doing something on that scale ( yet) but i think it's an absolute crime that i haven't even been able to make ONE frickin music video yet. i was BORN to make them.
i pretty much keeo myself in check with what i want to do with my life by saying if i died today would i be satistfied. and so far the answer has been yes.

until i saw that video and it was more apparent to me than ever before that film is the direction i want to take now. ( and music, too )...all of that. that's why i got into music in the first place was because i also could make mini movies that went along with it...create little worlds/landscapes/sets and work with fashion, make up, body art, design.. drawing painting becasue that can be included in sets and album covers...plus i want to act.

so...i am working on my house being the set for my film/videos. and i have many clothes to sew...and props to make...and music to write for the score. this will probably be a decade long project.

i know that starting a cable access tv show is a far cry from going to film school...but it's a start into at least knowing how to basically edit a video. and my show won't be anything like my films. my show is just going to be surreal goofiness.

film school [20 Feb 2002|05:44pm]
i wonder if MCAD ( minneapolis college of art and design ) teaches videography?
even wim wenders thinks that his upcoming film...hotel...ummm....something...i want to see it REALLY badly...but the name is alluding me...
thinks that will be his last film made with FILM..and that he'll switch to digital video like so many are doing now.
i really WOULD like to go to school for this...i wish i lived in california and could go to that big film school there.

i mean...with video you don't have to GUESS what the lighting might turn out like...do you? using all those light meters and things? that would drive me nuts. that's why i was never a photographer until i accidentally became one by using a camcorder.

if all else fails...i have my camcorder...and i have my pxl2000...and i can make avi's and mov's with my cams. i just wonder is it POSSIBLE to mix in movs and avis made from cams WITH footage from digital camcorders...is there any way of splicing these two mediums together? i suppose the resolution with avi's and mov's would look like total shit mixed with a dig cam thing...BUT that might look really interesting...all pixelated. i want to know what that would look like.

is there a programme that i can download for free that i can splice movs or avis together into one big avi or mov? it would be funny if i made a silent movie using my nikon coolpix...that can make 30 second long movies...them keep splicing it together until i had something a 1/2 an hour long or so. that would be a fun challenge.

i need a computer JUST to make films on. and music..
i need everything...now...
i think it's good that i have had the chance to experiment so much with photography so that i will be better at film.

[20 Feb 2002|06:40pm]
i wish i had a ton of money to go to mcad.edu and take all the courses. furniture making!

[20 Feb 2002|08:50pm]
watching enterprise and i finished printing out the upside down deiter dog books. now i'm going over to jason's to watch southpark and start cutting the deiter books out.