anagram 02.14.99

it's 4:30pm now on febuary 13th. jason will be home in 2 hours. he is off recording some music with his friend, paul, for the next future perfect cd. it's been sunny out today and there's an "ab fab" marathon on the comedy channel. still, I've been rather unmotivated to do much. I want to go take a bath to get ready for the phillip glass concert tonight, but I don't want to leave the sunshine that's in the living room right now. I'm so hungry for some pringles, I think I'll go nuke a baked potato that I made last night. nah. I'll just eat it cold. I can pretty much eat anything cold or at room temperature..like chef boyardee right out of the can. I have grown accustomed to it out of sheer laziness. I detest doing dishes, so I've learned to eat things out the the containers they come in, so I don't use up any dishes. at least it's better for the environment! ooo, I love when the sun is out. my mood is completely different then. jason really wants to move to portland someday, but I'm really afraid that the rainy weather there will make me depressed. I need lots of sunlight. jason loves rainy weather..that is what invigorates him. I love rain in theory and in a poetic sense, but my body has it's own mind. my body and mind shut off when the sun goes away. except for if it's nighttime. and I love thunderstorms. I just hate dull grey days or drizzle. thunder storms with lightning and thunder are great! I wonder what iceland is like. I love extremes, and that seems like it has the most extremes. I want to find out more about the weather there. here the weather is extreme, but just extremely dull. very very cold for long periods of time. then really really hot for long periods of time.

I just ate the weirdest succession of foods. cold baked potatoes with seasoned salt, crackers with black olive pate, then cinnamon poptarts and mountain dew. hmmmm.

I read my record contract again. skimmed it. u can't really READ it. trying to find out how much time I have to hand in a record after they give me an advance…if they choose to pick up the option. I'm using music industry terminology. I don't have the energy to explain it today. perhaps when I get a scanner, I'll scan my contract and put up on the net for u to inspect.

I flip back and forth as to whether or not it's a good or bad thing if radioactive decides to keep me. on one hand, it'd be nice to have some more money and not have to stress about money for about another year, but on the other hand, no amount of money is worth the stress that radioactive put me through for the last few years. if I create my own reality, I don't know why I'm creating that I'd still be having a record contract. it certainly is a deal with the devil, for such short-term financial freedom. it seems that these record contracts always come up to when I'm the most desperate for money and would practically sign anything for a few thousand just so I won't be thrown onto the street. so I guess I should say that my record contracts have always been a good thing. I mean, heck, I've gotten a lot out of them. it's just that a lot of stress happens , too. it feels like I've aged more in the last year than any other year. I really feel older and wiser and more cynical and more haggard than any other year. I can see it in my face, too. the stress.

I don't know if you've ever noticed that I always wear this one silver bracelet on my right hand…but it is from my first major label record contract.

ok, I just wrote a huge email to my manager, and now I've run out of typing energy.

but back to the bracelet, some person that was assigned to me at columbia bought it as a birthday present to me from columbia. she bought it at henri bendel. it's not often that someone could buy me something that u wear that I would actually wear, since I have picky tasyes. but this was a great bracelet. and it was comfortable to always wear and matched everything. the bracelet signifies to me when I first got signed and I thought that I had finally "made it" and that life would be perfect from here on out. it was an incredible feeling. I'll never forget it. everyone I met at columbia was incredibly talented and inspiring. I thought I had finally found my family and I was in a place that was finally safe and who understood me and would support my vision and help it to grow and expand. boy, was I wrong. but for those first few months when I actually believed that, it was pure heaven. pure peace in the most invigorating way. so I wear the bracelet to always remember that little pocket of perfect time. maybe I'll run into it again. oops, now I have an hour to get ready before I go out. jason will be home in 45 minutes. the house is getting cold now that the sun is down. the dogs are snorting and playing like little fur pigs. maybe I'll jump into the bathtub.

p.s. ok, now this p.s. I'm writing on the next day, febuary 14th. I had a VERY nice valentine's day and ate at this great greek buffet. then jason and I went to a get together to paint cd covers for mil fine. then we watched the x-files which was GREAT!!! did anyone else see it? what are your theories? I'm typing this really fast so I can hand this over to jason before he goes to bed. he is so tired because the dogs are still keeping us up. I think I've finally made peace with the idea that I might still make another cd with radioactive. I'm geering up for that possibility. it's not as dire a thought as it was for the last few years. I went through a process where I remembered the good stuff, too. actually a big part of the process was writing what I wrote above, and then also writing my manager a big long email. but of course I have some demands I want met before I agree to do another record. if I even get a choice to make demands, that is. it's really complicated. anyway, either way it turns out I think, I hope will be good.

click here to see an entire night's pictures of me sleeping, it will take a while to load.