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NPD livejournal community? [11 Feb 2002|12:42pm]
i am thinking of starting a livejournal community for children of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) parents and/or for those currently involved or have been involved with a NPD partner. or if anyone would like to start one, be my guest!

----today:
grey day. nick drake. diet rite red rasberry.

[11 Feb 2002|03:13pm]
i'm trying so hard not to slide into a deep depression. i'm just keeping going. keeping going. trying to keep occupied. i don't think that thinking about it more, at this point, will help. i just need to keep occupied and make it through. i feel such a terrible loss. but i know that it is a loss that is only in my mind. i feel like i lost a support system when i lost my mother...but there never really was a support system there, so all it is is a loss of my own fantasy. still, it hurts like hell. and it's really hard to just get through the days. i just keep making my art. i have to focus on that. i have to keep going.
my mom is so wrong if she thinks that by not ever emailing me or whatever that she is ever going to stay out of my "publication".
if you are in my life, you WILL make it into one of my "publications" sooner or later. whether that be a painting, a song, a writing....
i'm an artist. that's what i do. and if i can't draw upon my own life experiences to do my art...then my art is dead...then i am dead. and that's just the way it is. if you don't want any of your life to ever be in any of my publications/art...then...the thing to do is to not have contact with me. i am an artist. and to be involved with me you take that risk that you are going to affect my life, and therefore affect my art. she doesn't even realize that the song " la mama diva" off my last record is about her. i don't think my parents ever listen to my lyrics. and if they do....it must not seem real to them or something. the only time my mom mentioned my lyrics was that she was upset that i used the word "fuck" in "please god".
i would think "mother anorexia" would be a bit more upsetting. or how about "feel me dying"?

my song "tuesday" from my album cake and eat is about when i was a stripper and i say at the end " daddy save us all". i pointed that out to him and all he did was be uncomfortable with it. not anything like , "oh, that is such a sad song..." orjust something normal. maybe he was just uncomfortable with the fact that he couldn't save any of us. i don't really know. well, i mean, i know he CAN'T...we can only save ourselves..or as he would aay only jesus can save you. but...the line was meant as just a sad plea of a daughter to her dad , who happens to also be a minister so it had double meaning. i dunno.
he can't stand anything glommy. i guess that could be taken as rather glommy. run daddy run.
sorry. sorry that i need you. i don't WANT to need you.
whatever.

hi.

dad wrote me awhile ago to tell me he is here for me, so i wrote him back and haven't heard a peep since. it'd be nice to just hear at least " i don't know what to say to you" or " i don't want to say anything to you". i mean...just something. hit your fist and hit send....just...hello? i'm not asking for a thesis back. i am not asking for you to agree with me. i am not asking you to even believe what i say. just...you said you were there..but you're not...it seems. and i know you aren't perfect. no one is. but damn.

i think i need a good cry now.

[11 Feb 2002|03:39pm]
i hate when i feel this negative. there is lots to be thankful for. there are lot sof positive qualities about my mom and dad, too. my dad especially.
i just right now. i don't know if i'm doing anything right. i've never gone through this before like this. i don't know what to do. i just have to....keep on going somehow. and i will.

[11 Feb 2002|05:30pm]
wow, it was like my conscious mind could not handle to stay awake. i jus drifted off into a sort-of sleep. at the end of it was a dream that seemed real and not like a dream. i was standing in the kitchen in a house that i had lived in with my mom and at the kitchen faucet putting water on my fcae as i looked out the window at a nice summer day. i knew the house was empty and that i was only visiting there and i felt very sad. then i was back in my bed and i thought thsi was really happening...i thought i was screaming at the top of my lungs " mommmmmmmmmmmmmm" "you biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and feeling such a furiously sad anger or such a furiously angry sadness. but i woke up with me in the same place that i was asleep in and hadn't been crying or screaming.
i think that therre was another prt of me that KNEW i was not actually screaming or crying or saying those words because it also felt like those dreams where you try to scream but you can't and you are just laying there paralyzed...which is then very "foreshadowing" that i wrote the words" paralyzed" on my webcam before i went to lay on my bed.

it is frustrating to me that i cannot control this situation. but i have been in this situation so many times before with past boyfriends that at least it feels familiar to me...except that it feels totally wrong that it should be my mom. well....it always feels totally wrong.

but my mom is such a control freak....this must be absolutely unbearable for her. i know that when her leg was in a cast and she couldn't get around for a month or two that she wnet absoluely bezerk about not being able to get the dirty dishes into the dish washer or put away things in their proper places right away. i had no idea until she told me that, that she had become THAT rigid about needing control. it was freaky to me. she absolutely burst into tears about it several times...just in a panic like her whole world would crumble if the salt and pepper shakers were not returned to their original positions.

that must be what it is like to live in hell. if my mom cannot let go of control of something like that...how could she ever even conceive of letting go of trying to make me be 'in the proper place" that she sees me as HAVING to be in , in order for things to go "right"?

2 songs [11 Feb 2002|05:39pm]
click here to download my song "la mama diva"
la mama diva
my dandelion
let me shine
invisible in
the winding wind
where've i been?
la mama diva
find
shine
do not find
la mama dreama
she gives me pills
she feeds my ills
invisible in
the windy wind
please be kind
leave me in the snowy grass
leave me wading through the broken glass
leave me sleeping on the ocean floor
leave me licking poisoned apple core
then follow me
------
wow, this song means more to me today than it did when i wrote it. i write things sometimes not fully knowing their meaning until later....it really blows me away how it works like that. like courtney love said about her album Live Through This, "i'm not psychic but my songs are..."
------
and here is a song that features my voice in a different way :) for those of u who need something to clean your house/soul to ( this song was about a few x boyfriends) :
http://www.voog.com/anavoog-breatheyouout.mp3

i shed all my layers of you
i breathe you out and start anew
i breathe you out
i've got a gun
i shoot the sun
give me a mile
give me a trial
lay down the card
let down your guard
all that i feel
is so unreal
openings are into view
i breathe you out and start anew
i've got a vein
jump at the train
all that i need
is all i bleed
i run for the door
i fall to the floor
i see the shore
what's it all for?
i unwind the serpentine
i unwind
i shed all my layers of you
i breathe you out and start anew
i breathe you out
all i can say
show me the day
all that i pray
to drive you away
tear up the sky
dance til i die
turn round the bend
let it all end