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man, lots of pictures again! 62! i wish that one picture of deiter with his head in the megaphone would've not been over exposed! i will try to get more pictures like that later, 'cause the dogs really freak out when i talk through the megaphone! the dogs are also constantly trying 2 eat my bunny slippers that charity gave me! i was going 2 clean the house 1st, but ended up doing this first. it's been 5 hours since i started it! i'm so glad i got my big big box that had all my freebies in it that i got from shout2000! i couldn't bring that all on the plane so jodi ( thank u thank u!! ) brought it to the front desk and had them ship it to me using her own ups number thing! i cannot say enough good things about jodi. she is jennifer's accountant/assistant/best friend. that girl is KIND and ORGANIZED and DETAILED and just totally on the ball in everyway! i need a jodi! PLEASE somebody clone her!
some good news is i finally have the merchant account # in my name, everything was FINALLY transferred. but i guess i have the wrong kind of bank account that the credit card money will go in. :( i TOLD my bank it was for business, and they said ok..but they gave me a personal account instead..i guess...i really can't understand the difference since my personal account and my business account have two separate account #'s. so now tomorrow i have to go to the bank and get that straightened out, although i am CLUELESS about this.
also, taxes are just bumming me out. i just can't even deal. it is so confusing to me, argh. i have an accountant, i need to get together with him or something and ask him questions. i just don't have a friggin car and i hate asking jason 'cause he's just way too busy to do stuff like that for me. so i have no clue as to how i a going to get any of this done. fuck. help. i need a jodi.

on the 7th, as i was walking around doing some errands, a horrific thing dawned on me. I HAD FORGOTTEN my mom's birthday which had been on the 27th of january! FUCK! and i had forgotten it once before, so that just made it WORSE. i felt utterly horrible! and my mom is REALLY a stickler for stuff like that. she has it in her head that somehow she has been a bad mom or something so if i don't feed her with super love she gets all insecure and totally bummed out. but then she is really weird about stuff ....like once i wrote her a song for mother's day and put it on a cassette and gave it to her. i had just gotten my 4 track, so i was really proud of this song. i thought it really summed up my love for her. well, she thought that NO effort had gone into making this song and she yelled at me and said "this is IT? THIS is what i get for mother's day? i wanted a dust buster!!!" so that really hurt my feelings bad. and i think i told her about this years later and she apologized and everything. still, it just still unnerves me when i think about it.
so i know there is NO excuse for missing her birthday. i even have a calendar! why didn't i write it down? god, i kept reminding myself the whole week before "remember mom's birthday it's coming up remember remember...."
then what happened? i don't know! but i have had a few very upsetting days lately and maybe that was one of them. i don't know. but it dawned on me on the 7th of my gigantic mistake. so i shakily ran home and dialed up 1-800 flowers and got her a huge bouquet of assorted flowers for 75 bucks that was to be delivered to her that day before 7pm. all day i heard nothing from my mom so i didn't know if the flowers had arrived of or they had and she was still so pissed at me she was waiting for me to call. so the next day, the 8th, i call. and i'm like all submissive,"mom did u get the flowers?" and she sort of coldy says, " yes, i guess i won't have to kill u now". god.
and i say how sorry i am and that i have no excuse and that truly it will NEVER happen again (and it WON'T!) and i just say i am so sorry from the bottom of my heart and that i know giving her flowers and saying sorry really won't erase the hurt. and she says that the flowers helped SOME and that they ARE beautiful. but she is just pissed. it had triggered in her that "thing" we always end up fighting about. the thing about how she feels like she is a bad mother that she raised her kids to forget her birthday. where had she gone wrong, etc. *sigh* GOD.
then it goes into the other "thing" we've had since i started my cam....maybe even before. she says she feels we are "estranged" from each other. that we never see each other. that i never return her phone calls fast enough. that i never call her enough.

es·trange (-strnj)
v. tr. es·tranged, es·trang·ing, es·trang·es.

To make hostile, unsympathetic, or indifferent; alienate.
To remove from an accustomed place or set of associations.

estranged adj : caused to be unloved [syn: alienated]

i keep telling her that i totally disagree that we are "estranged" i am not indifferent! i LOVE her! she KNOWS this. i tell her i love her all the time! i hug her and kiss her and tell her she is the best mom in the world! so i've missed two birthdays and gave her a bad present in her eyes one mother's day. so i don't return her calls for a few days...her calls never say anything that NEEDS to be said RIGHT AWAY. i THOUGHT. she knows how bad with the phone i am. i am! i just DON'T get back to people right away. i tell everyine this over and over. it gets me in lots of trouble. because people have these CONDITIONS on my freindship or love with them or something. like i have to put IN a certain amount of "time" in order to prove my love! well, i'm sorry but i think that's just bullshit! why WOULD u want me to feel forced to talk with u, be with u? wouldn't u want me to call or see u when i was in the MOOD? isn't it about QUALITY not QUANTITY?

i know she's my mom. and that someday she'll be dead. and that maybe then i'll really regret ever having written this. i'll go damn u stupid idiot, u never went to visit your mom much and now she's dead. smart move.

but i will say this. my mom and i have really NOTHING in common! she dislikes my cam, she knows nothing about computers nor does she even TRY to figure out how 2 send an email although i've told her a BILLION times that if she's just write email or download icq we'd be talking all the time. she totally dislikes my ideas, my philosophy, my spirituality, how i choose to spend my time. she basically dislikes everything about me! except for how she still wants to see me, as that child that once depended on her for everything. she wants to comb my hair and make me food. which is GREAT i LOVE that! but can i talk to her about porn versus erotica? can i talk to her about how the universe is one big entity explorng itself? no. all of that is for devil worshippers or lesbians. god, i even TRIED to tell her once that my next boyfriend might be a girlfriend to which her response was to start crying and saying " i don't want my baby to go to hell!" of course she totally denies EVER saying that. she has a very selective memory. VERY. like the time she said "it's like u are dead to me!" when she found out i had sex on my cam. WHY would i make that up? it's RIDICULIOUS! it's like something out of the godfather! but she said it she DID! but she has no recollection of it at all! NONE.
so i get to live with these really hurtful comments and i never get a "sorry" 'cause she never said them. beautiful.

so what i am supposed to talk to her about? what? i TRY to tell hr what i'm up to..but she just doesn't understand it. then when i try a lot i get from her, " all u ever talk about is YOU, why don't u ask me how I'M doing?"

ok, mom...how are u doing? "well, my new diet is going great and we just bought a new neon car and i've decided the colours of the living room are going to be based on cream and gold. isn't the weather warm for this time of year? i just made a yummy stir fry, too bad u aren't hear to eat it. how is jason doing?"

so i say, " hmmm, hmm. yes...cooool. fine. jason is really busy."

argh.

i just don't believe that just because a person happens to be my mother that automatically makes me have to put in <---insert how many hours per month----> to prove anything. i don't think a relationship can be forced. and if it IS forced upon me that makes me withdraw. 'cause i hate forced conversation. that's why i don't make plans with anyone hardly because i have NO idea what kind of mood i'll be in that day. there are only a are handful of people i can make plans with because i know that they will like to be around me whatever mood i'm in and they don't NEED conversation or really ANYTHING much...just whatever happens happens, we hang. and that would be carolyn and renee from my band, and my dad and jason. they are self sufficient. i don't mind at all if anyone really needs my emotional help. i am TOTALLY there for my friends. just not if their need is an insecure personality trait that drains me. i just can't fix that. i can't. i really don't know HOW much love i could put into my mother to fix her. all i know is...i don't feel like being around her much in a forced way when there is nothing to even talk about.

we used to have LOTS to talk about. it was wonderful. my mom was like my best friend. we lived together for years after i quit high school ( 4 months before i graduated...all the kids were harrassing me and throwing rocks at me because of mt "punk" hair..i said fuck this shit , i'm outta her! i've never regretted my decision at all )
so when i lived with my mom, i suppose we had lots to talk about just because we lived with each other. it was a very special thing. i don't think we could ever be like that again. it's just not gonna happen. and she is way more conservative now. plus , whatever she reads in the paper becomes her opinion! like "oh, i don't like that roseanne woman...she's so weird" " or, i really like jewel, she is so nice". ya, like u would KNOW, mom, from reading glamour magazine!
she is also into whatever is "in". "y'know it's OK, to wear your <insert clothing> like that this year, it's the IN THING"

blarg.

i REALLY love my mom. u can't tell from this bitch session here. but fuck, i just have to get this out! but my mom is the best in so many ways! she is the mother creature. she is smart and kind and funny and a great cook, and she was a psychiatric nurse so u can blame all my pop psychology jargon that comes outta my mouth on her :)
she is a totall goof in the best way. she is strong and resilient and she perseveres through everything. she likes to be alone and putz around the house like me. all plants thrive around her. she is organized, she taught me so much from how to clean a house to tying my shoes and riding a bike to watching out for passive agressive narcissists!
she totally kicks ass.

she just isn't interested in the things i am now. our spirituality is not even close as she is now a very conservative orthodox lutheran.

speaking of lutheran's...i had lunch with my dad the other day which was VERY nice! and he is a lutheran minister so i said to him, " y'know dad...the more i think about christianity the more i've realized it MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER! like...there is a god and a bunch of angels..one of the angels leaves and he becomes "satan" who gets everyone's souls. so....so that satan wouldn't get ALL the souls....god sends down his son to be crucified for our sins and now...when judgement day comes...god gets first pick and satan gets the rest...because god's son died for our sins. so if jesus didn't die for our sins we would ALL go to hell to this ONE angel , ONE, that decided he didn't like god? i mean , what's up with THAT??? it sounds like a game of dice! or some weird game! who came up with these weird rules? that is just the silliest most nonsensical thing i've ever heard!"

and my dad said that he doesn't take that story literally. so i'm like...well, what does it MEAN to YOU , then? and he said "i'm not sure!" so i laughed and said "well, good! because i'm not sure either!"

so there u have it, as i say.

back to my mom...
she said she was finally ok with my nudity on cam as long as i didn't do the "u know what"
then it occurred to me that when i was over there for thanksgiving, we got into the topic of marilyn monroe and my mom's husband perks up his ears. he is REALLY into marilyn monroe. we start talking about all her movies, etc. and he gets out this large book of photos by her. later on it dawns on me that a heck of a lot of those photos were nude or slightly nude or erotic in some way. and i'm like, " hey now...that's an AWFUL lot like some of the pictures i do that my mom gets upset about! hmmmmmmm. "

so i guess it's ok to be erotic if you're a dead icon that america has collectively decided they love 'cause she died such a tragic death and she really WAS sweet and she really COULD act, so that MUST have meant she was smart.

ya, anyway..jason just got home and gave me a cheese bagel from enstein brothers, YUMMMM!!! i needed that badly! because i've been sitting here typing all of this out for hours now( about 6 hours ), and the sun is almost down and man, i should ftp this mutha up so i can start to clean the house oh joy of joys. but after it's clean i'll feel so good and then i can melt into the couch contendedly with the pupsters. ahhhhhhh :)

and if the person who sent me those yummy aromatherapy candles reads this, THANK U! i never can have enough candles! ( or bubblebath :)