part4
click on 1st pic..

words at bottom of page

my clear plexiglass guitar [07 Feb 2002|01:30pm]

i was just reminded by btripp ( cause he posted under the bed with a pic of me with this ) , that i have a guitar body with no neck and all that...just the body...that is made of clear plexiglass. i love clear things and want a clear guitar. has anyone ever seen a place that sells clear guitar necks and things of that nature? because i'd love to rebuild this guitar so it looks very future.
i'm not necesarryly looking to make thsi the best SOUNDING guitar but the best LOOKING guitar for things like photos shoots and videos and such...but it would be NICE if i could make it sound very cool, as well :)
so all u guitar geeks out there, help me out, won't ya? :)

( the guitar i actually play is my 12 string rickenbacher 330 )

edwin collins plays one of these guitars in his video for the song he wrote that sounds exactly like david bowie...the name elludes me. i just woke up. "girl like you"?

i had weird dreams but now can't recall them because i was awakened by the maintenance man knocking on my door who cam eby to stick that PUR water filter on my kitchen faucet...now that's on and i'm so happy! i hope my water will taste better now!

a letter i wrote to a friend....just more of me working out my family issues...so skip this if you are bored to death with me talking about this...but i need to keep writing about this...
[07 Feb 2002|02:41pm]
wow! did you figure out that you mom had NPD because i figured out mine is...or did you know that your mom was that before i wrote about it?
isn't it RELIEVING to know that you are not NUTS???
i mean the MIND games these people play...so subtle and not so subtle....
but gAAAAAAAA!
like the last email my mom wrote me where she tried to sound all nice and poor me because she KNEW at that point that i would put that in my LJ....well, she can really put on a nice front for other people so , once again, it looks like i'm making it all up. oh MAN.

i want to write to her to tell her that i'm on to her and tell her that she has NPD. but she would laugh in my face because she thinks that *I* am the narcissist ( it IS hard to spell!). she was a psychological nurse so she has all her "jargon" down. it's really because of her calling me everything in the book ( narcissist, borderline, psychotic ) that i started looking these things up in the first place..i would have NEVER knew what to look for had she not crammed those words down my throat.

i just couldn't believe when i was reading this site:
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/index.html

that it really REALLY clicked. my mom was not always this way THIS bad. but it says on that site that it gets worse with age..and also even worse when their authority figures that keep them in check, so to speak, die... ( like their fathers, mothers ) which she DID get WAY worse after that.
and it even says they have no minds of their own and align themselves with people of power and authority because they have none of their own...it said like doctors or ministers! hahah! i just burst when i saw that! my mom has married my dad, a minister...then married ANOTHER minister who became a doctor!
i know for a FACT that both her parents were extreme narcissists and that all my mom's life she yearned for her mother's approval and her dad's. i don't see WHY she cannot see that she is repeating this pattern. it's so OBVIOUS , but she can't.
she came from a VERY religious family where her dad was also a doctor/professor and her mother was such a narcissist...to the nines.
then ALL her brothers but one ( she comes from a family of 6 children...3 daughters, 3 sons )...became doctors of some sort. and all my mom's life she felt she was the stupid one. never went to college. was a "flaky cheerleader" ...married my dad at age 20 to get away from her family and move out of canada...had me at age 21...realized right away that she had made a mistake marrying my dad but had to stay with him because of me. and then *I* was her entire life. my dad did not give her much love or attention.
so my mom was married to this detahced man for 13 years...a man who APPEARS to be a saint when in public and looks the spitting image of jesus christ in the 70s's down to the white robe, beard, and sad puppy dog eyes. my dad could do NO wrong in the eyes of the church or even me. he WAS jesus. but i guess when he came home he ignored her mostly. so she was starved for attention and physical attention. i was her WORLD. and i became her sole focus and the thing that kept her alive.
when i moved into being my own person away from her...it was too much for her to bear....
i AM her, in her mind. she cannot let go of me as that baby. yet, SHE is the baby....describing a narcissist as a 6 year old is so right on target.

so..i was deprived and neglected from my dad...although on all outward appearances he was perfect and kind and godlike...i never even ocurred to me that he neglected me until just a year ago. and it never ocurred to me until now that i was the one who was always taking care of my and telling her that she was not ugly or fat and stupid until just awhile ago. it was all SO subtle.

mix that up with my adopted brother who has slight fetal alcohol syndrome so he had no sense of right or wrong or consequences...another narcissist to the hilt...and...whammo. nightmare.

i then continued on to have the most abusive relationships with intense narcissitic men who wreaked havok on me. and throw in a few that were psychotic on top of that...and then the guy who busted in my house...and then just the general sexual harrassment on the street....and you've got me who i define now as having post traumatic stress syndrome from all of this.

oh, and then the MUSIC industry...FULL of narcissists! becaue they are so vacant searching adulation and fame ( everyone thinks this of me, of course, SO not true )....anyway...so i was TRAUMATIZED by that even more. Tyrannical narcissists who then OWNED me and my music and i WAS to them a little doll to play with...mix that with some sort of sexual perversion they had on me too..and man...had to get out of there. haven't done music since!

all this now coming together more and more....and i can SEE how i could easily then slip into being a narcissist or a borderline as well just because i want to get OUT of this reality SOMEHOW. but i will not take that road.

anyway...i started my cam because i had so many people projecting things upon me but that time...people saying "you are this...you are that:...that i started my cam as hopes that i would FINALLY be seen for WHO i TRULY was. i thought that if i could document it CLEARLY, it would be SO OBVIOUS..only to find that my cam is a narcisssitic MAGNET because once again, they love to align themselves with things that appear to be famous, powerful, adored or whatever.. a fantasy.
and whammo...i am the ULTIMATE mirror being projected upon...and once again, the narcissists calling me a narcissist! LOL!

it really just doesn't end and i can see now how i got here and why. it makes perfect sense. it is SUCH a good thing that after the first year of this cam thing i gave up trying to be understood by "all" and just accepted the fact that i was a mirror. and so i became fascinated by that and a willing participant to WATCH the people who watched me. very ironic! bt it has taught me A LOT. and in a way...it's so fitting and so full circle!

*whew*

i so much wish i could talk about this to everyone so they could see the CONTEXT of why i do the things i do...
but there again, there i go thinking that i actually will be understood " IF ONLY"...if only i could have done this or that..if only i could say this or that...then they would UNDERSTAND.

i have to let go of that. i have to let it all go. and i am. and i am proud of myself for it. i do not know if i will be able to COMPLETELY let go of all attachment to wanting to be understood...since that is such a normal human trait...but i need to for my sanity. and i think i, at least, do have a slight sense of humour about this all which is my saving grace.

man oh man...what a life...eh?

benefit cosmetics [07 Feb 2002|03:51pm]
it's just a lost day. listening to music. surfing. not hungry.
nothing appeals to me. i hope i snap out of it. i probably will. i think i am just on brain overload and i need to switch off. i'm playing with my new benefit cosmetics. trying to find the perfect way to cover up dark undereyes. wow man.
i really loved benefit's benetint so much i wanted to try their other things. the lemonaid is really good at correcting the undereye colour...but it doesn't go on smoothly at all and creases. :/ the eyebright is not as good correctively, but creases less...but still not that smooth. boing! is a great concealer and goes on smoothly, but not as great as a corrective colour for the undereye. the benetint lip balm...doesn't tint your lips like they say it would...but is still nice as a chapstick anyway.
moonbeam...which is supposed to add some sort of glowy radiance does not do that.
but the jax foundation stick IS a good foundation.

but i think i'll stick with clinique. it's too bad that it's so expensive just to find the right make up that works for you.

[07 Feb 2002|08:19pm]
i just put all this elaborate make up on and took pictures for over an hour in the bathroom of it...only to realize that none of it made it through. ohmigod. suckfest.

i also took some cool polaroids. i am down to just 13 people to make polaroids for. i'm plugging away at it :)

and today i tried on some pants i haven't been able to fit in for a year...and i fit in them :) yay!