anagram 02.06.99

god, I just was feeling really unhappy today because of the dogs. they will not learn 2 go in the right place. and the more they go in the wrong place, the more they go there. and I'm keeping on top of it, but just barely. I didn't have this problem with pooka because I didn't have carpeting, and so I could get rid of the smell right away. and I have 2 lock them in the kitchen at night so they won't go everywhere, but then they whine ALL NIGHT LONG and I swear I had 2 get up every two hours to tell them "no!". it is hell. I don't know what to do. I think about giving deiter away, but I really like the little guy, and pooka gets so much more exercise now that he has a friend. they play together all the time. if this is just a stage, I pray it is, then I could wait until I mover in somewhere else that has no carpeting…in the fall. but that's a long wait. deiter gives me so much joy, but so much stress. and now pooka whines and goes to the bathroom in the wrong places, whereas before he was fine. and I miss sleeping with him. that's the only way he won't whine. but if I take pooka into the bedroom with us, then deiter will bark all night. and I can't have deiter in the bedroom or he'll pee in there. augh. so I'm just stressed from lack of sleep and the smell of dog pee is NOT the best aroma therapy for "wellness". I'm sure jacqui can relate!

oh sigh. my moods can swing so up and down all over the place within minutes. right after I write this I'll probably be ok again. and I have so much to do. I have to learn the dreamweaver programme so I can start to take off the load from jason. I want to be in charge of putting up the anagrams, and the anapix. I want to learn how, but I have this stupid phobia about learning these things. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I guess I'm afraid that I won't get it, and then I'll feel really stupid. which is in itself , stupid. which then just compounds my feeling of being stupid. how stupid. sigh.

I need some nature. I think I'm going a bit nuts from winter, too. plus I am ultrastressed that my label is going to keep me and not drop me. even though I only sold about 2,500 albums and 2,500 singles, they still are thinking of keeping me maybe because I have some noteriety? all I know is I don't feel like making another cd right now. and if I did, it is going to take me a long time to record it, and it's going to be very uncommercial, 'cause that's what is inside me right now. I'd really like to take a few years off of music..or at least the music BUSINESS. I'd like to have a few years to fiddle around with music ..and PLAY with it…instead of it being such a serious business thing. god, if anyone can take the joy out of music, it's the music business. I actually feel almost nauseous now when I hear techno. it's bizarre. it's like in clockwork orange when they make the lead guy sick whenever he hears beethhoven's 5th.

this is the first time I've even said this much about it in a somewhat public place. but I feel I can in here because it's not exactly public. and godammit I have a right to say how I feel about this. I've had to be so damn silent about the whole ordeal because I didn't want to piss anyone off. but fuck it. I'm just totally stressed out and depressed about it. lots of stuff going on in my heart/soul/body/mind. just trying to stay balanced and keep moving forward with stuff. like learning to type and learning dreamweaver. everyday sometimes just a struggle to keep light with things and not get sucked into a "fear spiral" ( the stuart smalley movie is playing in the background as I type this) I need to get back more to my spirituality and the thought that I create my own reality and that this is all an illusion. but I don't even want to GO THERE as to why I would have "chosen" this thing with the music industry. I'm trying to just let go, detach..move on… but it's always there..lurking…and the pain that I've gone through because of it..my hatred bonds me to it…I guess? fuck. whatever. just get it off of me as quick as possible! and make the smell of dog pee go away! incense! candles! bubblebaths! focus on the positive! be thankful! oh man oh man, it's sure easy to get off track….