anagram 01.30.99

I'm using a post I posted in anarchy a few days ago as the journal entry 4 today . I'm making this anagram really fast 'cause in about 20 minutes I'm leaving 2 go 2 a party where we are going 2 watch episodes of "the prisoner" a fantastic surreal british tv series that I highly recommend if u haven't seen it. yesterday I did some cool pictures! I'll include all of them in arcana soon. but for now, here are a few in this anagram :)

Posted by ANA on January 29, 1999 at 21:06:07:

my headache is gone, thank god. lasted almost 2 days.wasn't as bad as the one last month, but still unbearable. now i feel so good that i'm not in pain, that kind of light feeling u get when u just get over the flu... but emotionally i feel a general discontent. my apartment doesn't seem friendly or familiar 2 me tonight. nothing seems "right". i feel like the talking heads song same as it ever was" "how did i get here?" i hate it when i feel like this. it's like when you're tripping and all of a sudden things seem so foreign..like toes...u look down at them and can't believe you're in a body and it was these weird things called feet. and it all seems so primitive and funny and yet it's not funny at all because it's "real" and u DO have 2 WALK places ..not teleport and u DO have 2 do things like EAT and SLEEP and POOP and have SEX! it's like a silly ridiculous dream u wish u could wake up from and when u woke up you'd b one with the universe again and it would just KNOW what u just thought/dreamt about that funny "life" over there and you'd feel this sigh of relief that u didn't have 2 do THAT again. it's so ENDEARING but you'd never do it over. like the 1st time u drank too much amaretto 2 the violent femmes new record ( vinyl) and u kissed a married guy in the kitchen at your friend's party and felt all guilty in a grown up way and got asked 2 be in a threesome to the soundtrack of gary numan but didn't want to because you weren't attracted to them and u wouldn't know what 2 do anyway...and u get in a fight with your 1st boyfriend and almost throw yourself into a snow bank 2 die...and this is all in one night... and in retrospect this is all funny and endearing but i'd never want 2 repeat it. but it keeps doing it..just each time in a more "grown up" way. i don't know if any of this is making sense to any one of u. but tonight i looked at the pictures of my cam....each picture a few seconds behind my "real " life. me vacuuming the carpet with a dirt devil, no underwear on. and i see the view of the living room and me in the various positions action had posed me. and i see how little u can know of what is going on in my life. it's such a flat little picture, and my living room doesn't really look that big OR that small. and u can't feel these deep conflicting feelings and issues of me. u can't hear the music i'm playing or smell the incense or see what i move like and what the dogs move like as we all shuffle across the room. u see me know looking down on what u now assume is my computer, but who knows how i feel or what i'm thinking? and what r u doing? no wonder it's so mysterious. no wonder such an ink blot. so many things i wish i could tell u , type here, tell everyone of what goes on in my life. ( now you're probably all wondering..and no it's nothing juicy like i'm in the mafia or something...it's just boring little life stuff) but i can't say it or certain people, like my mother or my dad, for instance, would b more than upset with me.

and there are things i have such a hard time with now that i live with jason, that are my own hang ups. like i do not dance as much as i used 2, or sing. because i need or "have to" do that in private. i can not just start belting out a very embarrassing version of a whitney houston song, or start dancing around the house to "awful" music like da brat or brandy. i really like to make my mistakes and stuff and be embarrassingly uncool by myself. i'm trying to figure out how 2 learn not 2 have these inhibitions. but trult how can i start belting out "the star spangled banner" while doing the dishes if ANYONE was around? truly, songs like those are some of the best songs to sing because they are HARD. singing along with whitney houston or mariah carey are some of the best ways to practice singing, because they all use such a range. and dancing to bad rap/funk is the best stuff 2 dance 2 sometimes. i know it's "uncool" ..but i like 2 b uncool alone. also, i have this terrible paranoia of intruding on another's space..which is interesting because of what i do is about intrusion to a lot of people. but i have been SO INTRUDED upon in so many ways...that i would NEVER want to intrude upon others. i never want to b like these horrible intruding people. people who are so UNAWARE of how others are feeling. in many ways i am jealous of these people, because they are the ones who could probably dance and sing right in front of me and not even care if it upset me. ok, no wonder i never write anything in my journal 'cause i write it all here..but i leave all the details out. i don't know if u saw me writing in my journal on the bed, but i couldn't even write. so what i'll do i think when i get my printer ever set up,is print out what i've written on the computer, then add in all the details by hand later or something. i don't know how i'm ever going 2 write my book. people will just hate me if i wrote in there "the truth" of how i feel/felt. like, for instance, my mother again...if she read of all the things i've done in this life..she'd FREAK. i mean she barley can take of me what she DOES know. she'd think i was on the brink of death and hell if she knew how i really felt and what i really did. she'd think i was a dyke junkie leading myself and everyone around me straight 2 hell. i mean , i'd like 2 publish the book AFER they die so they wouldn't have 2 deal with the embarrassment, but what a feeling that is! am i feeling THAT repressed? but i suppose almost everyone has 2 live with the feeling that their parent's would highly disapprove of them if they knew the half of it. or am i alone on that? is that "normal" is that why the world is so fucked up? because we are all so insecure from our parent's? i used 2 think that my parent's had nothing 2 do with how i "turned out"...and for the most part..i don't think they do..they were good parent's... really..almost perfect parent's in my eyes..all until just a few months ago, when i'm finally figuring out what they "did to me" but heck, they were my age , as i am right now, when al this was "happening" are we all that lost and naive? i SEEM 2 be the "older" i get? are u still with me? or did i lose u a few paragraphs back? ok, i could go on and on....but i'm going 2 jump in the shower....

ana