anagram 013002

where did meredith go? her livejournal is deleted and her site has been gone for days! :(

dreams, books, polaroids, advice, mom... [28 Jan 2002|10:12am]
i went to bed at 11:30pm and i got up at 5:30am. i was going to go back to sleep but then i started making an anagram until now. i didn't realize i worked on it that long! now that i'm up...i guess i'll stay up since this is more of a normal schedule. but murphy's law says that as soon as i write something like that in here, i will most certainly go take a nap any minute.

wrote about my dream at 5:30am:
"i just woke up to pee and i'm half asleep and still stuck in my dream where i went back in time to 1968 and told this guy to be careful because the vietnam war was about to really explode in 1969 and i wanted him to have the option to get the hell out of america to not be drafted. i wanted him to have that choice. and then i told him all the cool pink floyd records he should buy right now..and i told him all the rest of pink floyd's records, too so that he could see i really was from the future so as each pink floyd record came out, it would blow his mind that i knew that.
it was way deeper and weirder that that...but that's all i can type in my groggy state."

here's something i wrote to a friend of mine this morning:
"i think that what is happening to you right now will make you a stronger and more grounded person in the end. i have been through what you are going through. it makes my heart split open at the cruelty of some. know that they are in hell right now. literally. they have made their own hell right here and now and are living in it.
everything they are doing right now has NOTHING to do with you. it's NOT you. it's NOT you.

i just learned the other day, even more strongly, that i don't need people to understand me..or even accept me or respect me. what i need is to TAKE the space i need and the air i need and claim it as rightfully mine. i don't need to explain it or rationalize it or any of that. take what is rightfully yours.

they are never going to understand, accept, or respect you...OR themselves. they are in their own private hells right now. it's very sad. there's nothing you can do to get through to them. they have to do it themselves.

don't let them project their negativity onto you. i think that is a major thing you need to learn. they are projecting their own shit upon you.

and they are abusers. don't reward their behaviour by giving them what they want. they abuse you and bully you to do this and that. and then you do it. then they go, " oh...that tactic i do brings results!" and they continue with their tactics. they'll never be satisfied, they're empty.

maybe now i am projecting my stuff on you because i'm telling you my experience and assuming it might be yours also...but i think i'm close..after all everything we go through is freakily close in nature!

anyway. they are bullies. don't let this moment in time define who you are in a negative way. don't give them that. don't give them ANYTHING. not even a word. just keep on living.

they are just magnetizing to you right now because you're there for them to push. they need to push against people in a violent way so that they know they are alive. if they don't feel the fall of bodies around them from them pushing...they feel they don't even exist. it's as if they aren't aware they have bodies of their own. it's like a cutter cuts to know she's there...to know she's alive. except they don't cut themselves...they cut others to know they are alive.

there's nothing you can do. and remember that everything they are doing right now has NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING to do with you.

i suggest that you play the b52s " devil in my car" VERY loudly tomorrow and jump up and own and scream to it. seriously. that's the ticket."

--------
i think about my mom all day and all night. i am so wound up about it but trying not to be. i emailed her a little email asking her what was up with the phone call and just trying so hard to stay as light and friendly as possible without being fake or bullshitting. i worry about her. i check my email every 5 seconds to see if she wrote me. everytime my phone rings now when i have it on i jump and wonder if it is her and if it is her...is she going to guilt me out or yell at me? or will she do something i do not expect? my stomache gurgles.

it's really grey out today but already i've gotten so much done. i made a huge 3 part anagram for ana2.com which took me 3 hours for one thing.

today, at least for awhile, i plan to scan all my polaroids so i can finally send those off to people. i couldn't send them off until i scanned them. and first i had to get a scanner ( thanks H! :) and then i had to make room on the computer for the scans to fit...and that took about 5 hours to make room on that machine. so....now i must scan. THEN i can send them out!

i am still working on the little books, but took a haitus from that for a bit as i worked on my computer and software problems. also...i keep adding to them and they've grown into something a lot bigger and more special because of the time i'm putting into them.
adding text and also painting on some of the pictures to add something new to them. it takes on a life of it's own, these things, and consumes me!

so...that is the latest on the polaroid project and the little book project, just so ya know :)

mental illness is a physical illness [28 Jan 2002|02:08pm]
once again, i would like to point out that telling a mental ill person to stop being so lazy, stop taking their much needed medication that stablizes them, and just suck it up and get over it is the equivelent of yelling at a person with cancer for being so lazy and tired, telling them it's a cop out to take their medication and just suck it up and move on.

i'm not talking about the people who misuse medication.
i'm not talking about doctors who overprescribe.
i'm not talking about people who have problems that they can work out with therapy.

i'm talking about the actual physicalness of having something wrong with your brain that makes you not behave as a "normal" person would. if you haven't experienced this firsthand, it might seem hard to comprehend that these people cannot simply "snap out of it". and it might seem hard to comprehend taht they do things that, to you, go against all logic and rational.

but please, just stop yelling at and judging these people so harshly. accept that it is something you do not understand because you are not in your shoes. please be kind.
these people have it hard enough as it is. and putting down someone who has a mental illness only further stigmatizes the mentally ill as lazy or whatever, which makes other people who are mentally ill afraid to talk about their mental illness and afraid to even get the help they need for fear of being stigmatized in this way.

please open your hearts and be kind to those who are ill.

polaroids and mom [28 Jan 2002|06:24pm]
wow, i got up at 5:30am and i have been working nonstop! my body is really sore from being all crunched up on the floor scanning. plus, i just got my period so i'm achey from that, as well.
i keep saying that i'm going to take a bath...but this time i think i actually mean it. i've scanned in about 300 polaroids. and i'm not even done with just that part. but i think i might have enough polaroids now that i am satisfied with that i can almost start sending them off to people now. it's just that when i see them i want to paint on them and then sew them together into some sort of contraption then go colour xerox that and then add to text to that and then combine the two..and....my mind just won't stop and let it be. i think i just have to let them be JUST polariods...or i will never finish.
i'm listening to bowwowwow...i'm going to go make a bath now. i bought this yummy super strong smelling eucalyptus bath salt.

i emailed my mom about her calling me the other night at 4am. or SOMEONE calling me from her house at 4am. and i called her on her birthday, as i told you. being as cheerful as i could..saying her book should be there any minute.

here is what she emailed me just now:
"our book arrived before my birthday. I didn't call you on
friday night/morning at 4 am.so it must have been a mistake on a digit or
something.
Mom"

so...she's pissed. didn't say thanks for the book. didn't even say "love, mom" just "mom". so..she is on a major negative bender.
and she DID call me. i know it. i mean...it was her phone #...there just is no other explanation whatsoever. it can't be denied. so...her not knowing that she called me is pretty out there. but she has totally repressed memories of things before, so i know she is capable of repressing that. it scares me. it worries me. but that's how much she refuses to look on at anything and really see it. she'd rather actually block out memories than deal with her emotions. just scary. it's stuff like that that could give you a stroke or a heart attack. and she is always threatening that she's going to have a stroke or a heart attack. that's how she tries to control people...you can't bring up anything stressful if she's about to have a stroke...so it's all very convenient...but all so very serious. i really really worry about her. but she has brought this upon herself and only she can undo it. she's been sick with just about everything all her life and like she says, " why is it that you act like the mother and i am always the daughter?"
i don't know mom...i don't know....it was up to you to act like the mom because you are the mom.

i wrote her back this:
"well, someone called from your your phone to me on friday...seriously....i kid you not.
it wasn't a wrong digit. i did star 69 and listened twice and wrote the # down VERY carefully.
i'll bet you were sleep walking!

i'm glad that you received the book! it got a lot of really wonderful reviews :)

i've been working all day scanning in polaroids that i've taken over the past year and 1/2. i actually got up at 5:30am today and i have been working nonstop since then. it's time for a bath. i bought this yummy super strong smelling eucalyptus bath salt.

jason went back to school today, so his school vacation has ended now.

what have you been up to? did you do anything special for your birthday?

love,
R"

i need to find some peace with this. i think i will just keep it at an email level for now. i wish i could stop thinking about this.

no hot water! [28 Jan 2002|07:33pm]
i can't believe this! i FINALLY am going to take a nice long bath and i'm putting in all the yummy things into the water and dragging my cam in there and getting soooo excited about relaxing...and i have NO hot water! none! :( arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

i guess i will heat some water on the stove and have a sponge bath :(

*meow* :(

----p.s. does know one know what happened to meredith of camgirl.com?
her site is gone, her LJ is gone, and i emailed her but heard nothing back :(

holy weirdness [28 Jan 2002|07:52pm]
ok, the hot water came back full force for about 1 minute..so i have a slightly tepid bath. but it's tangerine coloured and smells like lavendar!...i will go play footsy in it....

[28 Jan 2002|11:49pm]
ok, i am 90% done with the polaroid project. my whole body aches. i am looking forward to getting into the bed and snuggling with the puplets...but i am still pretty hyper even though i'm exhausted. i'm trying to wind down now. shutting off lights...making things quiet...

transform vibrate wise steadily [29 Jan 2002|12:07am]
yes, those were the actual 4 random words above the campic when i put the annie sprinkle dildos on cam just now!
on this beautiful night of the full moon, my altar is born :) i think the moon is in aries, so that is fitting :) i am taking out of the sea salt my two annie sprinkle black marble dildos to be the first items that belong to my altar...along with my rocks and crystals :)
i am burning frankincense and all is well. blessed be :)
please feel free to add your own blessing to my altar to make it even more special.
i hope it will be a space of peace and healing, a space that i can meditate to and at. a place to do and undo, manifest and bring more joy to this earth :) ( at least! :) hehe :)
i feel so calm now...it's so cool how i can switch myself over to a calm mode by focusing my attention there.
i think i will make an altarcam...like how beautifultoxin.net had an altarcam. i miss that on her site! it was very inspiring :)

painting an eye [29 Jan 2002|01:27am]
well, i can't sleep. full moon and excedrin. i'll probably be up til 5:30am..which will be a full 24 hours of straight work/play. i wonder if i'm the only one printing out weird polaroids of myself, painting an eye with my own menstrual blood and playing fetch with my dogs all at the same time right now? :)
what are you doing?

[29 Jan 2002|02:59am]
ana2.com members: new anagram up filled with scans of all my polaroids :)

the latest installment... [30 Jan 2002|06:28pm]
" You are giving mixed messages, since you tell me you don't want
to have contact with me now and need your space, and yet you email and ask
questions and chat to me like nothing is wrong.
Mom"

my reply:
"i never said that i didn't want contact with you. please do not put words in my mouth.
i said that i didn't want to get together yet, and needed space on that because you kept asking when we were going to get together.

obviously, there is a lot wrong but i'm TRYING through email to communicate with you, i'm trying to start here. because this is where i feel the most comfortable communicating with you since i can formulate what i need to say, and i can go back and read my words and you can go back and read your words...and so we have a physical representation of our dialogue that we can access so that , i hope, we can start to understand better why it is we communicate so poorly, for one thing.

here now, we have a perfect example , through email, of miscommunication...and there is actual PROOF of what was said and i can write you back now without getting into any yelling or arguing or crying or screaming and we can clearly see the words that we have written out to each other.

for me, this is where i need to start with you otherwise our communication gets SO murky and you'll say " i NEVER said that" or i'll say "i never said that." that i get SO confused by the end of it i don't even know which end is up. and i cannot take one single more argument like that. and i'm sure you feel just the same. however, you feel safe enough to see me...but i do not feel safe enough to see you. i'm sorry it is like this, but it is. this is where i'm at with you.

i want very much to work on our relationship. that is very important to me. but i cannot heal a relationship until i first can heal MYSELF. and that is why i need the space and choose to communicate to you this way. i need to heal. i need space to sort things out. when i see you, everything, for me, gets so jumbled and the fear that perhaps i fight will break out between us is so great for me that i choose this kind of space because i cannot bear that kind of anxiety right now. nor do i feel i should have to bear that kind of anxiety.

i have thought about this pretty much every second of every day and THIS gives me anxiety, too. i'm just trying to lessen the anxiety somewhat. i'm trying my best.

you have really hurt me deeply more this past summer and fall with the two times that you "broke up" with me than all the years of us being together combined and i am deeply wounded from that. please respect my request for space to heal. i think that is only logical and reasonable and doesn't mean that i love you any less.

as you know, i am pretty darn angry with you for the things that you said and did during that time. and i'm just not ready to see you and go shopping or something.

you say life is too short to not work on this relationship. you are right. i love you with all my heart. and i have always tried my best to work on my relationship with you, even though you have not always seen that or understood that i was.

my angry retort to you is: life is too short for the abusive things that you said and did to me that put a rift between us in the first place.
i am not seeing you as some sort of revenge on you or other such foolishness that is only a waste of good time on this planet, but as my way of self preservation and healing. which is time well spent.

i will not let you blame me for not working on this relationship right now as if *I* were the sole 'cause of this rift. you need to take responsibility for your actions here and acknowledge that my saying that i need some space right now to heal is reasonable decision.
you cannot say that you have not needed space from ME to heal. i mean, you "broke up" with me twice this summer saying that you would never see me again because it was far too painful for you.

why is it ok that when you want your space you get your space? but when i ask for some space i get a bunch of passive aggressive sulking from you?
that makes me angry. that makes me feel disrespected.

i THOUGHT that you respected my needing space when you wrote me back saying that you would work within my time frame and signed it "love mom"

and as time went by i started feeling a lot better about you because it seemed that you really were willing to give me space to heal. that is when i wrote you back and told you thank you so much for respecting that.

and then you wrote me back that sulky email and it all went right into the toilet again as far as i am concerned.

how i feel right now is that it is more important for you to work on this "relationship" than it is for you to stand behind your daughter's decision to make room for herself to heal. wouldn't you rather have a relationship with a healed daughter than some sort of pasted together dysfunctional relationship?

to put it in really exageratted terms...which would you choose:

do you really want a relationship with me at the expense of my healing? because the message that you are giving to me right now is that ANY kind of relationship with me is worth far more to you than my wellbeing.

that is the message that i am receiving from you right now whether that is your intent or not.
and that makes me sad and angry.

i was starting to feel better about us but your recent emails have really shown me where you are at. and so , i think, we should start here.

what do you think and feel about this?

love,
R

happy nonlinear birthday scott bateman! [31 Jan 2002|01:16am]
http://www.batemania.com

:)

[31 Jan 2002|02:01am]
she finally went to my journal and read it and here is what she said:
"Dear Rachael: If you want space from me why do you keep writing me? I have
been respecting your request for space since you asked, but since our last
conversations and visits previous to your asking were very warm and friendly
I was quite surprised when you asked for "space," via email, and I had no
idea what it was about. That is why after several weeks of "space," I
emailed to see if you were okay. Because I was very concerned about you I
went to your website to see if I could get some insight. I have now read
the awful things you have been saying about me. I will not be having
anymore communication with you via email to be used in this way. My
conversations with you are to remain private and are not fuel for your
publication. I have boundaries, but that is obviously one characteristic
you didn't inherit from me. You can contact me if and when you decide you
have had enough space. I will leave that up to you. I am very sad about the
way you portray me on your website, but sadder still about how you portray
me in your own mind. You see me as "breaking up " with you. These are big
time abandonment issues Rachael, and I can't fix them no matter how hard I
try. You see me as rejecting you and the venom that comes from you to me on
occasion is unfathomable. You push and push it sometimes seems to try to
get me to reject you and I will admit there are times when I feel like
throwing in the towel. It has been hard to deal with your mood swings and
on-and-off hostility for about eighteen years now. At times I have removed
myself for my preservation and space! I call you Rachael in this letter and
I don't even know where Rachael is any more. I think Ana has taken over.
Maybe that is the way you want it, to be someone else. You are thirty five
years old and make your own choices, and only you can choose to have a
relationship with me or not. I am now fifty seven years old and if I live as
long as my Mother, age eighty I have twenty three years left on earth.
Those years will go quickly and only you can decide if you want to share
them. The book you sent me was a very nice book about Mothers and Daughters
who see each other and enjoy each other and actually have a relationship
with each other. It certainly didn't seem like it applied to us at this
time. So it was a little confusing to me to see why you would send this to
me now of all things. Maybe it is time to try another tactic. What you have
been trying for eighteen years ain't workin'.
I love you very much despite everything, though it is very difficult,
Mom"
-------------------------------------
wow. she tells me that she never wants to see me again TWICE last summer...then tells me i have "abandonment issues". righto.
she still, as you can see skipped right over AGAIN why i needed space and what kind of space i needed and how that did NOT exclude writing to each other. she still refuses to take responsibility for her actions. i guess her calling my stupid and telling me that i "live in a world of deception" and rejecting everything i say, do or am has NOTHING to do with her..and has everything to do with my "issues". and she has said much worse things to me than that...but i guess those i'm just imagining all along..or?
THIS is what i get. just a brick wall. *I* have issues. *I* am crazy. I'm not the one calling her at 4am and repressing that memory. and all the other things that she is obviously repressing and refusing to see.
maybe she really DOESN'T know what she's done...although one of the last times i talked to her on the phone she broke down crying and apologizing for being such a "wicked wicked mother".
no WONDER i'm confused. then, it seems to me, she takes it all back and tell me i have abandonment issues. i mean she HERSELF has cried to me about what a bad mother she has been all my life and has told me over and over again how she feels like she abandoned me. then she put me down saying i have "abandonment issues"?

this reminds me of the time that no kids would let me sit on the bus and so i had to stand all the way to school..about an hour ride. when i came home from school to tell her about it she said ," i wonder why you have such low self esteem?"
can you BELIEVE that???

well, i guess this is the end of our communication for quite some time at least. because i am NOT going to communicate to her in any other way right now. i can understand why she doesn't want her emails posted, obviously. but it's not like i'm revealing any actually SUPER great secrets about her and anyone can find her and know where she lives or anything. i'm not talking about just her and her stuff just to talk about her. i'm writing about this publically because i NEED to. i CANNOT let this fester in the dark, hidden from all view! i'm SORRY but NO! IT'S MY LIFE AND I'LL WRITE ABOUT IT IF I WANT TO! i need to write just so i don't frickin go nuts here! all this "crazymaking" all these...this...whatever. no words. sorrow.
i have the right to write about my life in here and i'm not going to let her try to take that away from me. this is my outlet. and i need this to be my outlet.

if it's more important to her to stop communicating to me in the way that i feel safe doing so because it's more important to her to retain that miniscule amount of privacy in her life...then...well..that is where her priorities are then.
and i really don't see this as an infringement on her privacy since all of you do not even know who she is.
and i have a right to write about my life in here.

yes, i am being selfish by keeping on writing in here. and yes, i think it is a necessary selffishness. i think it is a self preservation kind of selffishness.

i'm glad she finally came in here and read my journal.

and she's worried about me? what a CROCK. if she was worried about my wellbeing she wouldn't do the things she does. plain and simple.

that entire email was just manipulative and i'm very very angry now.
right now i just feel like giving up. right now i feel like throwing up or crying.

i SEE her as rejecting me? she DOES reject me! i see her as breaking up with me? she HAS broken up with me? and these are MY issues???????????
this is insane.

i throw my hands up to the sky.

i know where i stand. i KNOW my own experience. i KNOW what happened and is happening. i REFUSE to be silenced and i REFUSE to be made to feel that i'm the one who's nuts here for feeling the way i do. I KNOW WHERE I STAND. I KNOW WHAT'S REAL. and that cannot be taken away from me anymore. no, it cannot.

read my journal all you want mom. HERE i am. take it or leave it.

--------
ok, i just have to break down this letter for my own sanity.

mom:
"Dear Rachael: If you want space from me why do you keep writing me?
me:
i told you that i wanted space from physically seeing you, i didn't say i neeed space from writing. thisb is the third time now i am telling you this. i am writing to you because i thought you said you wanted to work on this relationship. i mean, you want to go shopping..but i can't write you a nice email?

mom:
I have been respecting your request for space since you asked, but since our last
conversations and visits previous to your asking were very warm and friendly
I was quite surprised when you asked for "space," via email, and I had no
idea what it was about.

me: i don't feel very respected. and yes, i can see where you would be surprised a bit if you were only going to go on our last few conversations. but then , when i said to you that i needed space, i did explain it to you...so you DO have an idea what it is about. go reread my emails.

mom: That is why after several weeks of "space," I
emailed to see if you were okay.

me: no, that was me emailing YOU telling you thank you for resoecting my space. you did not contact me again several weeks later. that was ME who contacted you. you seem to have a problem discerning where you end i i begin or vice versa.

mom:
Because I was very concerned about you I
went to your website to see if I could get some insight.

me: as if i hadn''t given you ANY insight. and you worried about ME? ha! that is like punching me in the face, pretending you didn't punch me in the face, then worry why my face was punched in and then blaming me for living in such a way that brought about the oppurtunity for you to punch me in the face. ya, i have "issues' about you punching me in the face. you are worrying about me because you punched me in the face. that seems a bit odd to me and even insulting.

mom:I have now read
the awful things you have been saying about me. I will not be having
anymore communication with you via email to be used in this way. My
conversations with you are to remain private and are not fuel for your
publication. I have boundaries, but that is obviously one characteristic
you didn't inherit from me.

me: choose whatever is more important to you. *I* wanted to go to a counselor with you, but you'll have nothing to do with that. this is my outlet. and yes, i do have boundries and that is obvious.

mom: You can contact me if and when you decide you have had enough space. I will leave that up to you.

me: well, i've been contacting you...so....ummm...wha..?

mom:
I am very sad about the way you portray me on your website, but sadder still about how you portray
me in your own mind.

me: i'm just speaking the truth. deal.

mom: You see me as "breaking up " with you.

me: well, you did actually three times break up with me and tell me you would never contact me again..but then DID contact me again, then broke up with me again...saying thinsg like "you are dead to me now". so ya...i see it that way.

mom: These are big
time abandonment issues Rachael, and I can't fix them no matter how hard I
try.

me: oh these are MY issues are they now? you have even told me for years and years now, since the divorce with dad that you feel you abandoned me. you've said that you were a rotten mother to me every since i can remember. just a month ago you broke down and cried because you said you were such a "wicked wicked mother". and these are MY issues. interesting.

mom: You see me as rejecting you and the venom that comes from you to me on
occasion is unfathomable.

me: you TOLD me that you did not like me. you told me that everything i say do and am is naive and "living in a world of lies and deception" you have told me my hair looks like a tumour. that i look like a concentration camp victim. that my breasts are grotesque. you have told me that i am an insult to women and promote rape. you have told me i have no morals or values.you have told me that i am stupid. you have told me that i am dead to you. you have laughed at me when i was crying and most vulnerable. just to name a few recent things.

mom: You push and push it sometimes seems to try to
get me to reject you and I will admit there are times when I feel like
throwing in the towel.

me: i do not push at all about anything. it's you who are pushing trying to make me be something that i am not.
why would i want your rejection when all i want most in the world is your acceptance? and you can admit you want to throw in the towel...but i cannot? and there you go again admitting that you wanted to leave me.

mom: It has been hard to deal with your mood swings and
on-and-off hostility for about eighteen years now.

me: it's been hard to deal with your abuse that has caused my mood swings and hostility.

mom: At times I have removed myself for my preservation and space!

me; and you can do this but i cannot. once again...you are being a hypocrite. did i sulk when you needed space. no, i did not.

mom: I call you Rachael in this letter and I don't even know where Rachael is any more. I think Ana has taken over.

me: i don't even give me that bull line. i can't believe you think that is even going to fly with me. as if i ever told you to call me Ana. that has never even been an issue with us EVER. WHY do you bring this up here and now? scampering for things to say? i mean, what IS that? what is the point of that sentence. you know good and well that i am the same person. so puh-leeeeeeez. what manipualtion trick is THAT supposed to be.

mom: Maybe that is the way you want it, to be someone else.

me: that doesn't even make any sense. you are really grabbing at straws here.

mom:You are thirty five years old and make your own choices, and only you can choose to have a relationship with me or not. I am now fifty seven years old and if I live as long as my Mother, age eighty I have twenty three years left on earth.Those years will go quickly and only you can decide if you want to share
them.

me: how about all that time you spent being an absolute bitch to me? i don't suppose THAT was a precious waste of your life and my life as well? NOW time is important to you? was time less precious before?? don't give me a guilt trip.

mom: The book you sent me was a very nice book about Mothers and Daughters
who see each other and enjoy each other and actually have a relationship
with each other. It certainly didn't seem like it applied to us at this
time.

me: at the time that i bought it i was feeling more positive about us. and you didn't even thank me for it...something that if i don't give thanks you have a freaking cow. but i guess your own rules of etiquette don't apply to you when it comes to me.

mom: So it was a little confusing to me to see why you would send this to
me now of all things. Maybe it is time to try another tactic.

me: maybe i was trying to send you something positive???

mom: What you have been trying for eighteen years ain't workin'.

me: well, we can agree there ! and back atcha!

mom:
I love you very much despite everything, though it is very difficult,
Mom"

me: i find that difficult to believe at this moment in time.

( i did not email this to her...nor did i email her anything back. i'm simply too angry at the moment)

[31 Jan 2002|04:24am]
yes, i realize my last post was hostile and not worded in the most politically correct way. i could have done a better job. i could have been more mature. i could have done it a lot of different ways. i'm so angry. maybe i shouldn't have written it in such an angry state. maybe i shouldn't have written it at all. i'm sick of thinking about this. i'm sick of being the bad bad daughter. i'm sick of all of it. screw it. that's how i feel. just screw it. i wish i had an off button in my brain. i just want it off. i don't want to care. i'm sick of working on relationships.i need some peace. i'm going to get peace. i'm going to get it. i am not settling for anything less than peace.
i go on tirades. does this help me? i don't know? what's the point of it. i can't even type. i don't even know what i'm trying to say. relationships...complicated. mothers...complicated. and dad...where are you? staying far away i'll bet. ya, i know you read my journal and you probably don't even want to touch me with a ten foot pole right now. well, all of you...you whole family thing...you wear me down. we're all worn down from each other. what a mess. dad retreats. mom represses. brother drinks. i go on typing manifesto tirades because SOMEONE has to bring this crap up to this surface to look at! i'm sick and tired of looking at it all. we're all human , i know. we all do the best we can at the time. yada yada yada. won't doesn't kill us makes us stronger blah blah blah. i need a good cry. whine whine sulk sulk boring boring. EXHAUSTED.
i'm done talking about this. i'm done thinking about this. i'm done analyzing this. i'm just done. zip zero zap. i don't trust any of you right now. i feel utterly alone.
i don't need your love. i don't need your respect. i don't need your seal of approval. i don't need your permission. i don't need anything from any of you anymore. i'm sick of disapointing you. i'm sick of you disapointing me. i don't meet up to your expectations and you do not meet up to mine. i do not need your understanding. i do not need you to listen to me. i do not need you to care what i do, what i say or who i am. i do not need you to keep up to date on what i'm doing. i do not need you to care about me. i can't afford to. you all scare the shit out of me because you can destroy me in an instant. you are the mom. you are the dad. you hold the power. take your power i don't want it. get it off me. leave me alone. just leave me alone. you make me feel so small. i am so small. why do i love you so much? i hate you.

[31 Jan 2002|04:39am]
VICIOUS. SELFISH. COLD.
HOW DARE YOU. SHAME ON YOU. SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i pour my heart out to you and all give me back is THAT????
i have "ABANDONMENT ISSUES"?????????????????
THAT is ALL you can say?????????????????????

[31 Jan 2002|04:55am]
shutting down. closing up. you've made your last mistake. why don't you just go burn that book i sent you. you have broken my heart for the last time.
sorry for my melodramatic bullshit.

[31 Jan 2002|05:36am]
g'nite