anagram013000
ack..too much going on right now. overload. i hope my laptop can get connected at the conference. if it can't i'll save pictures to my harddrive to put up in here when i get home :) i'll be back home friday night, then saturday i'll probably stare a lot to unwind!
i am super nervous about going to this conference. so i wrote this letter to the other women on the panel i'm on ( i thought it was a good letter so i'm including it here )
hi :)
i am writing this 2 u all 'cause i am feeling so nervous about this conference,
my stomache has been in knots
i don't know what i'm so scared of...i guess being ungraceful or too tired
or not conversational enough, or too introverted or too extroverted or that
i'll look like shit or something...
i really want 2 connect 2 u all, and i know that at a thing like that..with
so much going on and so many people and energies flying all around..that perhaps
i won't get 2 connect with u all on the one 2 one basis i really prefer
i'm not really nervous about the actual panel itself, since i've been asked a billion questyions for 2 years..i pretty much have that down and i enjoy being asked questions, on the whole
i am just nervous i will be so overstimulated that i will just withdraw or appear lame in some way
then morgaine told me that charity is very nervous, too...and feels the pressure of making things go smoothly, too
then it hit me...that,
as far as i can tell thus far, we are all "caretaker types" and
we shoulder the burden upons ourselves to make sure that everyone is comfortable
and happy and that things go smoothly...
so perhaps , with that in mind and that in common, knowing we are all perhaps
nervous...we can feel more at ease
no pressure to be in
perfect mental condition..what happens happens. what that day brings..it is
and knowing we are all in it together and that we will walk away , hopefully,
becoming better friends, is all that counts
so let's just drink lots of wine and let our hair down
i want to also share what i've been thinking about what i am wanting to convey on this panel...
that WE are the ones
that bring people closer together on the net, we are the ones that bring it
warmth and character and make people think and feel less lonely or alienated.
to put it arrogantly, i think we are the "soul" of the internet.
we are reliant on technology to make this happen in the way it does...but
no amount of technology can replace what we have to offer.
no amount of technology could subsitute for what we have to offer as caring
human beings
no amount of business savvy or money or "know how" can get u what
we have to offer
which is simple basic "care", for one
u can put all the streaming
and chatsoftware and "interactivity" into a website u want...but
that can never "make" people feel "at home" and comfortable
to speak their minds and feel moved to share their souls with others
what we offer, i feel, is a "safe" haven for people to communicate
with each other. a place where like-minded souls can come together
if there isn't the warmth there in the first place, a "home" we
have each individually created...then there is nothing
i believe this is what the world needs and wants more than anything...and that is why i feel, the internet is well suited for women to make their voices and hearts be known more than ever. since we , on the whole, are experts on providing a warm nurturing environment...and on the internet, we cannot be silenced
in this day and age of furthering alienation....in their own homes, their jobs, their countries... the web brings together communities that otherwise would have never existed, communities that need to exist, as we need love to survive. and we help to make this so.
the web is a sticky
complex womblike structure, and therefore, i feel , inately "female"
...not based upon any particular hierarchy
it is not just a one way "information superhighway"
let's not allow the
questioners at this panel to get away with trying to reduce is down to a "sexy
racy soundbite"
u know as well as i do that there will be mostly men at this conference, and
when they see us up there on that panel, many will want to reduce is down
to our nudity. many will not have open minds. i am just going from my experience
this far..i'm sure u would agree u have had the same experience.
and this is not about how technology will bring about faster racier sexier
stuff for people to gawk at and masturbate to.
i mean , the place
that is sponsoring this event is called HEAR ME.
so let us be heard.
it's about communication, not technology
if we don't have ,firstly, a home we feel safe to technology in the world
isn't going to help anything or really even be remotely interesting!
ok, that's all i have 2 say for now :)
xox,
ana
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here are some other emails i sent:
i am introverted too,
and get EASILY overstimulated!
so my worry is that i would look really weird if i had to spend some time
alone, i didn't want to appear aloof or WEIRD.
most people think i'm really strange and that nervousness is something u can
snap out of with a smile.
to compound that, i ran out of xanax yesterday and don't know if i can get
more before i leave. i am very nervous about that!
and i, too, feel ugly. i know i know..everyone will say i'm not ugly. but
i feel ugly so i am
i know u know how that feels
right now i am totally
bloated out and no clothes look good on me
and i feel like i'm on the edge of getting a cold.
and i am so bloated my FACE is bloated, which is making me look 10 years older,
in my opinion, ar at the very least, i don't look very healthy at all.
and i was picking at my face and now i have little red dots all over my face
and i'm almost out of cover up...but i'm just too freaked to go walk for a
few miles to get more
plus i have to stay right by the phone in case my shrink calls , if he can
call in my meds
and i hope there is not a new law that u can't call in xanax, 'cause i think
there might be.
i would have to see him in person today and i have no car! i don't drive anyone
, and i can't deal with the bus!
so i'm just nervous nervous nervous
because of my extreme nervousness, i don't want to appear to be a freak. so that is why i am nervous about meeting everyone too!
but if i don't get my xanax , then i don't know if i can even go!
arrrggggh.
too much stress today!
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and:
so many of us are
worried about what our bodies are going to look like!
isn't it just so sad that we have all been so traumatized by society or what
ever that we are so insecure about the one thing that is LEAST important?
argh.
also, i hope this will not bum u out, but i highly doubt i wil be in the frame
of mind 2 colour :(
that is a whole day all in itself, 'cause i LOVE 2 colour!
but i think i pretty much want to see all the speakers of at this thing, and
i know on tuesday i'll be way out of it because i'll have had 2 get up really
early in the morning and then the plane and then the whole day at the conference...
i'm pretty sure at the end of that day i am going to need to be in my room
alone and unwind and justr watch tv or take a bath, then get to sleep as soon
as i can so i can make up for lost sleep
then the next day i want to see everything at the conference, too...and then
who knows what interesting people we might meet...maybe i'l want to go talk
to people a bit..who knows...then at night i could have to time 2 colour...but
isn't that the day we all get to go to the beach and there is dinner and wine
and stuff?
so, i'll bet that after that i'll be exhausted, too
then the next day i'll be leaving for the airport around 3ish or something,
and i know i sleep kind of late..i am not a morning person
so of the time i get
to hang out with everyone...i'd just rather talk with u all and drink wine
it would be too much for me to try to connect with everyone and colour at
the same time
i think i'll just want 2 melt into a chair and do as little as possible, because i will be soaking so much in!
but if there was no
conference, and we were all getting together, then i'd love 2 colour!
but as it is right now, knowing me, i am going to be way overstimulated as
it is and will probably want to vedge out in a chair at every moment
i hope u understand
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here are some thing i posted in anarchy:
yes, this conversation is a continuing conversation i am having with myself about this vast subject containing within it infinite subjects....and the tori interview was part of that
i just want to be clear that i don't think all people who have experienced violence are experiencing it because they did "evil" in a "past life"
i believe the universe is far vaster than that...beyond the scope of our imagination. why people experience violence is, i believe so far, as many reasons as there is reasons why people would be violent...
because of , in part, my interview with tori, my scope of this subject is even broader and more mysterious than ever. i could never assume 2 know why people would be violent or experience violence.
i still do believe that people choose it, tho..because that, to me, is the only thing that makes sense , so far. but i do not think all choose it because of wrong doings in past life or any sort of "punishment"
in fact, i really do
not believe in "punishment", i don't think...
i think we choose it to experience all we can experience and become more empathatic...that
are two reasons out of infinite reasons
i could change my mind about this any time as i evolve. this is just what i feel so far
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Posted by ANA on January 30, 2000 at 17:39:27:
In Reply to: Re: Ana
- Psychic Self Defense & Shielding on January 30, 2000 at 15:38:53:
i really do believe that i have chosen to have the experiences i have had
and am having now.
i don't like 2 think
i have no control over my life and that my life has no meaning 2 it
i feel in my gut there is something grander going on.
one possibility, which i feel is truth "behind" my life, is that i am my own "multi-dimensional art project ", in that i have many past/future/parallel lives going on..and each is interconnected 2 each other, and i have 2 see myself in the perspective of all the lives...not just this one.
when viewed from the perspective of being able 2 see all these lives at once, and as one...that is when i can see the "whole picture" of what is happening and why
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