anagram 012402

[22 Jan 2002|03:22pm]
i had this dream that lasted all night and all morning. i took testosterone so i could grow a penis. i thought it looked rather small and it had a lot of skin around it then i realized that was because i was uncircimcized. my penis when hard was actually 5 inches long when hard and i became consumed with trying to find out if it "WORKED"..as in what would happen if i put it in a female...would it feel good? would it be the best thing ever? would it not work at all?
i still had my female genitals, too. i wished that i could fuck myself. it was quite frustrating. i didn't consider myself male or female.
i started also to get this really cool scarification done. little dots all over my entire body. i started to even look a bit lizard-like and i had 2 metal horns implanted into my head.
i didn't look anything like i had before...i tried to put on a dress but looked ridiculous in it. i remained small and skinny...i was very androgynous, i looked pretty damn cool. but people really did not approve, especially my mother. i lot of people wanted to see my penis and i was semi-wary to show them. i started going on your again with music and became quite notorious. people didn't know really what to think. i wondered if the testosterone would ever lower my voice so i could sing in new ways, too. i yearned for someone who would love this new me. i finally found someone who had had the same operation done and was so excited...and she was, too. we had absolutely nothing in common, tho except that we had both had this operation so it wasn't going to work out as a relationship. we did have sex tho, just one time to see what it was like...and we both could fuck each other with our penis' simultaeously..we didn't have to take turns. it was a pretty wild experience, but also nervewracking because we were doing this in a public park and so it was all very uncomfortable , too. that's all i can remember of the dream at the moment.

[22 Jan 2002|07:12pm]
i feel like i've had pms for 2 months straight. and right now i AM entering the time of my real pms. oh fun. i hope i find the energy to take a long bath tonight.

hello kitty cutting [22 Jan 2002|10:32pm]
i remember more of my dream...i wanted to get tattooed completely black...so then i would be almost like a black man christ...a symbol of that..but hilarious since that would have been a transformation to a small white girl. . that's how i saw it in my dream. i can't explain it better.

the first cutting i ever saw was in a magazine about a decade ago. it was of hello kitty. i could never get that image out of my head and how cool that was on so many levels. i've been looking and researching cutting and other body modification ever since. i mean ya, i knew about tattoos...but this cut of a hello kitty...i think it was more than a decade ago...i was 22...i'm 35 now...so i guess that makes it 13 years ago.

i've never done any cutting or scarification or branding. not even a tattoo. i just had my nipples pierced for about a year and 1/2 ( 10 or 12 gauge ) but i had to take them out because they'd never quite heal. they were so cool looking! i wish i had them back...but i don't think i could go through that experience again now know knowing how much that hurt!

[23 Jan 2002|01:07am]
i made myself come until i floated off. recycling the energy i created somehow back into myself..i think. i'm not totally sure. i have been in such a state of fear lately. making decisions based in fear. i think orgasms can release fear since fear is stored in the lower chakra and so therefore orgasms can release fear. i think i understand that better more now.
i started to cry but didn't question it. i just knew i needed that release to. and then these words came to me " it was never my sadness...it was yours" and that made me cry more as i understood even more that i have taken on other people's sorrow. my mother's , my dad's, my brother's , old lovers, my current one. people i've met. i've taken on their sorrow and made it mine until it was indistinguishable. and it's not very indistinguishable. it is now mine. in a way. we all pass it on to each other. over and over again. such a great sadness.
i was really born happy, i think. but i take on the energy of others. we all do to some etent. most of us, inclusing me, don't know what to do with this, or even are aware that this is going on let alone learn how to work with it and use it to our advantage and not our disadvantage. people need to be aware that they are passing their energy along , too. and take more responsibility for what they "put out there" just as much as they people must take responsibility for taking it on.
i am learning this.

i put both my annie sprinkle black marble dildos in sea salt to purify them and mixed in a few of my favourite crystals. i'm on my quest to also "purify" myself. become more of a clear channel. become more aware of the energies surrounding me and what to do with them.

this is really one of the roots of what i learn from anacam. how to manage many different types of energy.

i'm going to get "clear" i haven't ever really been "clear", i don't think...although i've had tastes of it so i know it's not beyond my reach.

i have a lot more to say, but...i just don't know how to say it right now.

about sadness....it's funny..i just realized that quite awhile i found a light blue candle that i inherited from my dead aunt. i lit in with the intention that was it burned away, sadness would dissipate , too

ah, here is my horoscope for today:
"Use your power resources today, Ana, since you have a great deal of
dynamic energy at your disposal. You have the ability to transform and
conquer anything at this time. Note that your spirit of adventure is apt
to be much more acute than normal and that you may be feeling quite
anxious to get things rolling in a new direction. Don't hold back. Now
is the time to do things full force."

[23 Jan 2002|05:44am]
i've been searching through archives of anacam cds all night long in search of some pictures i thought i had lost...but i found them. yay :) they are these black and white pin up type pictures i did on cam in 97.
doing lots of ftping back and forth between computers and just so much stuff...i'm blaery..gonna go to bed soon...but now i'm actually kind of awake. it figures.

[23 Jan 2002|06:49am]
it's just no thrill at all to watch a computer defragment that has windows 2000 pro on it. there are no neat little squares changing colours and getting all orderly.

[23 Jan 2002|02:36pm]
augh. i was up until 8am. i am so tired.
i'm gonna make a cool new anagram today with long lost anacam pix from 1997. i'm so glad i found them!
jason figured out a trick to use when my mouse freezes up. unplug the mouse then plug it back in. thsi is so much better than shutting everything down and rebooting every 60 seconds!
but still, i am slowly moving everything important to me off this computer and onto others. that's what i was doing until 8am..that and looking through cds of archives to find those oix...and then i defragmented 4 computers.
i'll be doing more of that today.

heart splitting unrequited love [23 Jan 2002|03:27pm]
you know when yhou have a crush on a person that is so overwhelming it consumes you? that it actually hurts on a physical level in your heart...like your heart could break or fall into the depths of hell if you do not get back this person's love? it feels like you love this person more than anything in the world and you ache for this person that is just not logocal since you've hardly ever met the person or perhaps even never met the person?
you feel like if this person doesn't return the same sort of feeling...then your life is not complete?
my theory on this, which i recently figured out about a year ago...is that when this happens...it's not that you are in love with this person to THAT degree...it's really about that you are mourning a piece of you that is missing. it's about what that person represents to you. what does thsi person represent that you want desparately in YOU? what are you denying yourself to BE? what does this person symbolize and how can you create these things for yourself?
it's tricky because...on one hand....that means you should be self sufficient...yet on the other hand...we all need love and it's great to have relationships with others who are different than we are.
but i'm talking about when it's just so irrational...all consuming...fear based.....that if you do not get this person RIGHT now you could die...or something similiar. then it's about YOU and what is missing in YOU.
for instance, i had a crush on a person that was so irrational ( i mean this person was great...but i didn't really even KNOW this person well enough to warrant this kind of sorrow and longing)
i discovered that i was trying to use this person to add excitement and movement and sensuality to my life. i had lost these qualities along the way...and i thought that be "getting" this person...i could aquire these things back.
well, all i did, because i was in a state of fear that i would fuck everything up and this was my oen and only chancce to get these things back for myself...i freaked this perrson out a bit, i think. i don't know for sure. i don't talk to this person much. i never did.
anyway...it wasn't about me needing this person's "seal of approval" or "reciprocation of some kind"...it was all about me ....and what i was longing for myself to be again.

i think things like this, if you don't know what's going on, can really screw with a person's life because it's just so damn INTENSE. and if you don't fix it...it will just happen over and over again. it will transfer from person to person. i've done this a lot.

it can be wonderful to feel that way , too. it can inspire a person to MUCH creativity. unrequited love...it's up there with things that will motivate you to do things and create things that you wouldn't have if it hadn't felt these things. i've written entire albums because of feelings like this. it NEVER gets me the person i want so badly. but i sure have made lots of cool things because of it.

but now that i realize what it is really all about...i wonder how i will create. i think it will still be an impetus for creation me. it's not like one can just "snap out of" these feelings even after one understands them. at least not for me.

anyway...that is a bit of what i've learned so far considering this issue...i think perhaps it's true.

when i was just starting to feel a tiny bit better about her....the mom saga continues... [24 Jan 2002|02:46pm]
as you remember, my mom was really pushing for us to get together and i was feeling queasy about that as she had been quite emotionally abusive to me , especially last summer and fall.

i wrote to her, "i'm fine.
please, just let me get back to you in my own time.
this has been a hard summer for me...with us...
and i need some time to recuperate or something.
i'm scared to see you. i'm afraid that you could start going off on me about something at any time. i'm gunshy.
i'm TRYING to become prepared to leap into seeing you. but basically it just scares me very much.
and i don't know how to overcome that right now. or what to do about it, and frankly i'm just completely out of energy in even thinking about that because i have thought about it so much that i feel just totally drained.

i can't always fit into your time frame of things. ...of when things are supposed to happen or should happen.
this is all very confusing to me.

please don't push me. that only makes it worse

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

and she wrote back, " Of course I want you to feel good about meeting with me, so
I'll wait for your time frame.
Love, Mom"
much to my surprise! i felt respected on this issue from her. and that was important to me. i had agonized what she would perhaps write back to me and was nervous to the point of being physically illl until i heard back that reply. ( and she's FINALLY doing email with me...another nice sign of compromise from her )

that was on january 12th.

i agonized about mom everyday since then. i am still agonizing. it never leaves my mind or my body. trying so hard to get into any sort of frame of mind where i could see her and not be a nervous wreck that she might go off on me any minute.

but i was feeling a tiny bit better that she had written that and not only that, had not tried to contact me to yell at me or guilt me out about not seeing her.

so yesterday i wrote her this, "thank you for allowing me to have some space, mo. it really means a lot to me that you respect that :)
i love you very much :)

i bought you a book and you should be getting it in a few days :)"

and today i heard back...she wrote this,
"I don't understand what's going on with you, but there is nothing I can do
about it. You have to do whatever you have to do. It seems to me that life
is too short to put on hold a relationship that should be important to both
of us, and having you not want to be involved with me makes me very sad.
Love Mom"

which set it back again. the first sentence, " i don't understand what is going on with you" just makes me want to lay on the floor for the rest of my life because if she doesn't understand that, and i have explained it until i am blue in the face, she never will. and that is just...augh. plus, i can hear her voice when she says it. she's said it to me a thousand times and usually it's always said in the context of that she thinks there is something WRONG with me. maybe that i snot what she meant THIS time....but it still rings like a extra large church bell through my nervous system.

then there is the second sentence, " it seems to me that life is too short to put on hold a relationship that should be important to us, and you not want[ing] to be involved with me makes me very sad."

that she told me she is sad about this is all well and fine. but this sentence personifies how she can never see it my way at all...ever. it's always how it "seems to her" that i "SHOULD" see it this one certain way. that she is heavily implying that this relationship is NOT important to me. HELLO? if it wasn't...how is it then that i am so fucked up from it? if i didn't care? how is it that my body shakes every day from the reprecussions of her emotional abuse on me...a person SHE has deemed IMPORTANT to her. wait...she said the RELATIONSHIP should be important...she didn't say me. oh....am *I* in there anywhere? am *I* important to you Mom, or is just the relationship part important to you???

the way i feel is that as long as she has this facade of some sort of a civil interaction ( relationship ) going on between us...then she can turn her blind eyes away from the fact that she certainly isn't treating me with any sort of IMPORTANCE. what's important to her is the facade. she needs that relationship because that makes her look more normal and healthy in the eyes of her peers. if i was IMPORTANT to her she would not have emotionally abused me. if i were important to her, it wouldn't MATTER when we got together..it would matter to her that i said i needed my space in order to heal.

keeping up appearances. SORRY MOM THAT I AM SO DISAPOINTING TO YOU. SORRY THAT I AM NOT YOU.

should i email this to her? remain silent? what? i am at my wits end.
she wouldn't undertand this. so what's the point.

cera
2002-01-24 13:02 (link)
i think, personally, i'd just write

'i need some space. i explained that to you, and there's nothing to understand. thank you for agreeing to work within my time frame. i will contact you soon.'

and then just TAKE that space that you requested for yourself. i think it's always hard for people to grant us things that they dont see us actively TAKING for ourselves. they think they've still got some say until they realize that we're going to do what we need to do, period.
send something off if you need to, and then TAKE that space for yourself, actively. dont read any other communications from her. set up your mail client to route them into a special folder and dont read them until you're ready to. you cant make people respect your boundaries, all you can do is enforce them.

i know you're not into massive advice, and who is. do what you need to do. be strong.

be love because you are,
cera

Re:
ana
2002-01-24 13:11 (link)
that was VERY good advice, and i'm going to do exactly what you just said! THANK you! i really needed to hear that! :)
( i asked for advice, i'm glad you gave me such good advice :)

ana
2002-01-24 13:19 (link)
i wrote back to her this:
"i need some space. i explained that to you. thank you for agreeing to work within my time frame."

thanks for wording that for me! ah! at least now i do not have to agonize over what i will write back and mull over it for days or weeks! yes! at least that tiny part is over with already! sweeeeeeeet sigh of relief over that part!!!!

and...you know...that just hit me as so true...what you said....take what is mine. enforce my rules!

in fact...right now at this minute i feel free from the part of me that wants to explain it to her AGAIN> it's not important that she understand in order for me to have my space..
and it's not even important, when it gets right down to it, that she respect my right for space.

what IS important is that i TAKE my space and ENFORCE that rule. total survivial 101!
WOW! thank you for my revelation!!!!!

i feel like all empowered now and doing a hippy dance :)

cera
2002-01-24 14:15 (link)
right on! that makes me feel really good. =)
i will totally hippy dance with you.

i had to learn that one through dealing with my parents too. it finally came down to me saying, you're probably not ever going to 'understand'. we live on different planets. i dont even need you to support my decisions. but these are MY boundaries, and i will enforce them, with or without your permission.

and i mean, what can anyone say to that? =)

you do your thang, girl!

Re:
ana
2002-01-24 15:05 (link)
i am so glad that i posted about this and asked for advice becasue your advice really chnaged me :) thank you :) i just feel GREEAT today and FREE and i thought this would be another day full of struggle...and then you showed me that...and it really changed not only my day, but also me and showed me a better way to live my life :) it freed me :)

cera
2002-01-24 15:55 (link)
=)

that makes me feel really good.
sometimes lj can be a really useful tool, for the little ways we get to touch eachothers lives.
you rock.

reach out and touch somebody and TOUCH SOMEBODY
allllright.

wonderland [24 Jan 2002|10:31pm]
right after my wonderful revelation thanks to cera's advice given to me in my last post. i went upstairs to jason's and watched this hilarious documentary called "wonderland" which was about new york's levittown...oh my , if you haven't seen it and you love documentaries that would make john waters drool..this is the one to see :) it's playing on IFC on cable.
now i am making a roast and i'm going to prepare a luxurious bubblebath for myself. :)
this is a GOOD day, thank GOD! i really needed a good day :)

from jason's mailing list that u can subscribe to by going to fetik3.com :) jason's band Ousia is releasing a new cd! :)
[][-_-][] Ousia Announcement [][-_-][]

In 1998, Ousia documented a series of improvisations/compositions as
a followup to "Why is that a Four?". Due to the breakup of the
group, this CD, "Face the Robot", was shelved indefinitely.

Now, 4 years later, Mutant Music Records will be releasing this CD
(ETA: Mid-March).

To celebrate this release, the four original members of Ousia have
reunited for one live performance:

SNOWBIENT II: Face the Robot
St. Patrick's Day - March 17, 2002 - 8:00pm
7th St. Entry (Minneapolis, Minnesota)

Featuring:

Ousia
Skye Klad
If Thousands
Rod Smith
Dolores Dewberry
Caspian (Cosmic Flux/Om Records, San Francisco)
Jeremy Ackerman (of Walker Kong)
Radar Threat
Mr. Projectile
Fantazius Mallare

Tickets are currently on-sale, online ($6.00)
http://www.snowbient.com/

[][-_-][]
The official Snowbient website
( http://www.snowbient.com ) will be up by February 1st, 2002 - a
temporary page with the show info & a link to purchase tickets is
currently in its place.

More news to come...

--------------
fetik3 - avant-ambient musician
http://www.fetik3.com