anagram 01.19.99

I'm including this post I posted into anarchy in regards to a post cyd wrote 2 me on january 18th. 'cause that pretty much sums up how I feel right now. I've just been completely consumed with either working on, worrying about or thinking about the new designs for anacam and ana2 and tweaking them. here is a post I also wrote 2 my mailing list. sorry 2 copy things I've already said other places into here..but I would end up repeating these things anyway in here with just different sentence structure.

post 2 the mailing list:

in case u haven't noticed already, i ( with much help from fetik3) have redesigned anacam and ana2. it still needs tweaking here and there, and i hope u will not find it confusing. because anacam is now more graphics intensive and it is now banner-free ( so no banners are now helping me pay for the cost of maintaining the site..which is thousands of dollars a month), i have raised the refresh rate to every 15 minutes. i'm sorry that some of u will probably be disappointed about that, but i'd rather have a more aesthetically pleasing site with a longer refresh, than an uglier site with a faster refresh. at least that's how i feel right now, as i am constantly evolving with this and trying out new things :)

i'll be adding a lot more 2 the site in the future, like hidden links 2 surprises...so keep moving your cursor over things ( and not things) 2 see if it will take u anywhere :) ( i'll just let u know that TODAY there are no hidden links, so don't go looking today :)

i want anacam 2 b more of a fun puzzle :)

new things i'll be adding in the future that are in the menu now:

analyze: all the press i've gotten ( that i know of) anadoll: an ana paper doll 2 print out and...hopefully only do nice things to.. ( eek)! anamate: this will be a place that i will put "mini-"movies that i've made on. ana-art: a place where u can view my fine art anamart: this was a place i had up long ago..anmd i'm going 2c reinstate it soon..a place where u can buy "ana things" i haven't decided what these "things" will b yet....

i've received a lot of feedback already on the new site, thank god most of it has been positive! but some people hate it, maybe u even hate it. some people hate that it is black and white, and they want colour. but the reason i like it black and white ( besides the fact that i just LIKE black and white) is that there are no colours in it 2 clash with the campic.

but i will probably add alternative pages with other designs on it to, with a bit of colour..just 'cause i had some other ideas i wanted 2 try out anyway :)

i'll just keep evolving with this and figuring it out as i go along..as usual :)

i also want 2 tell u that on saturday, i'll be on the radio show called "whad'ya know?". it will be broadcast live from minneapolis' state theater. i am VERY excited about this! the state theater is a beautiful place and i've always wanted 2 b on that stage :) now..in a very strange twist..i will! i found out that the show is completely sold out :( but go 2 their website: www.notmuch.com and i'm sure it will tell u there where u can hear it on your radio :)

lemme seee...what else... ummmm.....

i'm just really preoccupied...and i mean REALLY preoccupied with redesigning anacam ana ana2 right now...so if i'm just either staring at my computer monitor, sleeping, or sitting on my couch watching tv (taking a break!)...that is why... i am constantly thinking and rethinking the design and that's about it. i'm consumed. and there's so much more i want 2 do...

i think i'll go walk around outside 4 a bit, 2 get the heck out of here 4 awhile, but that being said..now i probably won't do it...'cause the second i type out anything i say i'm going 2 do then i end up not doing it. weird.

ok, that's it 4 now!

:) ana

post 2 anarchy:

{{{{{CYDNIEY}}}}}}}

thank u SO much 4 that :) it is true that i was ( still am a bit) lost in the negativity of a few jerks...and that really i should focus back here, to all of u , who are the ones who make it worth living for me. and i mean that from my heart. it IS as serious and deep as that. those of u that support me, really do HELP me to LIVE. for if it were that i could not make "a living" from this, i think i would truly die. that being said, it may not b true, since i am quite the survivor and seem to ALWAYS find a way somehow to find reasons to live and to keep moving forward and to keep creating in the face of fear.... yet it is my fear that maybe SOMEDAY this will all be "taken away" from me...and i will have 2 go into the world again and work retail or be a stripper or god knows what 2 pay the bills as i have done for 30 years... and i'm not trying 2 be a WIMP here, but truly i think if i had 2 do that i would wither away and die....as i almost did a million times when i lived that way. that is why my heart goes out so much 2 all of u stuck in jobs u hate...for i know that soul-crushing feeling that perhaps this will always be all there is to life and it will never amount to more than a few precious hours on the weekend when finally u got caught up on your rest and your laundry and are FINALLY getting back into the synch of your own soul...only 2 have that peace ripped away from u again by the knowledge that your alarm clock is going 2 go off at 7am and it's onto the bus and back 2 the boss who hates your guts just for the simple reason that u emanate light and have a vision bigger than the sale on shorts in aisle #2. god, i cannot tell u how this cam has SAVED MY LIFE and therefore can i emanate SOME of this happiness i have YOUR WAY in thanks for that i have this charmed life. finally finally finally after struggling SO LONG, do i live in house that i do not fear for my life...because this house is very secure and in a pretty decent neighbourhood. all the times i would b so scared that anyone would rip down my cheap little wooden door and rape me and kill me....( as almost happened 2 me 10 years ago) finally i feel peace in this house that i am safe here. altho i still do not feel safe anywhere else. so i fight i fight i fight fr this cam and i fear that the horrible jerks will come 2 destroy it and destroy the only shred of happiness i have ever known. so i fight and fight and fight on the bbs, hoping to show them that can't they SEE what this means to me???? how can they say that it is such a shallow thing? why can i not just be allowed this ONE thing, do i not deserve it? etcetcetc i start 2 feel insecure and all of me comes out 2 fight for my LIFE. but i know that i must trust my instincts, my heart my guts my soul. for those are the things that have brought me HERE WITH YOU THANK YOU UNIVERSE AND THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO IS A MEMBER ( i wish there was a better word than "member" it sounds so cold...what word could it be? for it IS friend..but yet i do not know any of u very well..although some of u i know more and more..but 2 the silent ones who never speak... i can see the picture of silent strings holding me up like a cats cradle...) i know i know how many times can i say thank u thank u? the typed words are so FLAT. and cyber bracket hugs {{{{{}}}}}} ? but i mean it i DO thank u :) what more can i say? i think i'll go 2 the store now and buy a BIG pack of coca-cola!!!!!!!! i do feel healed now! love as in LOVE OK

ana