011701

Wednesday, December 27th, 2000

5:50p sebastian knows his name finally!! :) yayayayayay!

he is making a great sparring partner for deiter..since deiter wants to play far more often and intensely than pooka does.

sebastian is now bonding with pooka and deiter more today and not whining so much for me, which is great :)

Thursday, December 28th, 2000

10:56p eep op ork ah ahh!
bleep bleep
what a weird day it was.
and it snowed and snowed and SNOWED ( and it's still snowing! )

here's something to keep u interested for hours. it's nice 2 see that people can talk about nudity and do it in a nice way :)]

http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?itemid=1118713

and here's the people that won "the golden goat awards" :)

http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?itemid=1126427#t1164747

i hope the golden goat will fit in my p.o. box! it sure would make the doglets happy :)

funny how a sentence like:

" i went 2 my dad's 4 xmas"

is taken, by some, 2 mean something more immature than saying," I went to my dad's for Xmas"

when they are indeed the same sentence without even having the context of my voice to go from.

but then i have a friend who could go out with the most beautiful woman inside and out..and if he saw a "defect" in her foot, would cease 2 be able 2 go out with her.
or , at least, could never see her in the same context again.

indeed, it seems to me , that we come from a place that gives far more meaning on presence than what is actually being said..many great example being what we have judged our future presidents on in the past..and getting more so each time.

i am not immune 2 this. but i know i can discern between well written song and a poorly written song...even tho the video might be the most fabulous or horid thing i ever saw (imo..that's goes without saying)

but enough of this contemplative crap as i'm sure we've has enough of it this hour ( at least i have ..and since i cannot discern between u and i..i am innocently forced to say that we all feel this right now )...

so...if u have a scan of your pets butt, post it here :)

too bad that "catscan" place went away , it was hilarious :)

so much went through my head today..it feels like a trainwreck..but what else is new?
if i didn't like thinking about stuff, i wouldn't. so there u have it.
altho i am only showing u the last dying sparks of a rather implosive day.

sorry the cams were off all day...long story.

my cam is definintely pushing my boundries in ways that are not all that self evident..nor maybe ever will be.

ok, this post is almost pointless..so it's into bed i go!
and tomorrow i gotta get my ass in gear and do A LOT

today everything closed because it was too snowy.

so what are u doing for new year's even, now that it IS actually the last day of the millenium instead of last year?

i certainly don't know what i'm doing yet!

Friday, December 29th, 2000

12:19p ok, i'm running around the house today trying to get a few finanacial things in order so that my taxes will not be as hard 2 do...or something.
so much i nedd to get done today..it's ctazy, since yesterday i couldn't do anything cause of the snow.
so...let all the motivational angels come down to me today and kick my ass into high gear!

i'm thinking about going to the mall of america *shudder* i hate that place..but i don't know where else i could go 2 get all the stuff i want/need in one enclosed space..since i don't have a car...

and my speakers seem to have died...so i can't listen to my stereo! ack...

6:30p i need a digital cam that can zoom in on objects 1cm in size from 50 ft away, ...with viewfinder and option 2 delete and reshoot the picture. and i can flip through the pictures i've taken so far on the viewfinder...with options to use multiple lenses and a battery that last a LONG time ( 8-20 hours?)
with nightvision!

i want to be able to go to NYC and zoom in and do close ups of the architecture of buildings at LEAST 3 stories up

is there anything like this?

or maybe i'm dreaming. how about something i could do a close up on a penny from 50 feet away..maybe that is more doable?

also i know nothing of lenses and cannot find a place that tells me what kind of lenses are vailable in the world and what they do.

lense that i do ot understand exactly what they do:

telephoto
teleconverter
macro
zoom

is their a zoom lense?what does it mean when it says a cam has digital zoom 3x?

Saturday, December 30th, 2000

8:18p well, i went 2 get a nikon dc1 camera..but the only thing that was wronhg with it is that u can't flip the viewfinder to the front as u can with a camcorder.
anyone know of camera similiar to the nikon dc1 that u can flip the lcd screen to that it can be seen from the front..to if u wanted 2 take a picture of yourself..you'd know where u were in the frame?


8:31p the post at the top of this post...is staying on top. i can't post above it!
strange

11:56p 11:58p so much is going on in my mind right now, i cannot write it down. but i am preparing for a new phase in anacam technology :)
no one ever answered me as to what u are gonna do for new year's eve this year...seing that is is TRULY nad OFFICIALLY the beginning of the new millenuim now :)

time 2 get into bed and sleep

didn't make it 2 the bank nor pay my bills nor go 2 the mall america. must do that tomorrow. i did make some headway tho...and i'm trying 2 put my priorities in line :)

hard 2 explain :)

Sunday, December 31st, 2000

12:45a now i am leaning, once again towards getting the nikon d1...or maybe the nokin 990 , just to start with something.
i know i need adigital camera with many opyios so that i can take pictures with my webcam, AND a digital cam both at once...to bring even more 2 anacam and ana2 :)

1:15a just sent off 67 instructions to people who have asked me how 2 join the sleepstation.
i am finally getiing caught up with things :)
i am gonna sleep soon
just gotta decide if im gonna take sebastian with me to ebd so i get a good night's sleep...or if i put him in the kennel and have him cry all night

1:46a ok, now i'm leaning towards getting the nikon d1 again

11:37a SLEEPSTATION
ARGH! i finally was catching up and stuff on the sleepstation...writing everyone back about how to get on the sleepstation. i sent 67 people instructions, and my juno email programme thought i was trying to spam and it did not send those messages!

THAT IS SUCH A BUMMER!

so if u have written to me in the past wanting to get on the sleepstation, and i never wrote u back...PLEASE write to me again because now i have none of your email addresses to send u your instructions :(

*cry*

write to sleep@sleepstation.com

8:49p i got a nikon coolpix 900 today and some nmew clothes :)
gonna watch dick clark and drink goldenschlager :)
i also bought a polaroid spectrum cam :)

10:02p new year's is happening here in 2 hours...i'm gonna go snuggle into bed with jason and the fluff monsers and watch dick clark or something :)

happy new year!
and happy new millenium!! :)

Monday, January 1st, 2001

9:48p trying 2 figure out all theaspects of the nikon coolpix 990, there certainly is a lot to know!
and i got a polaroid spectrum cam...but the only difference i can see between it and the cheap 24 buck model u is that with the spectrum u get pictures that are a little bit bigger.

i guess i need to know what camera takes that pola pro film..so i can do emulsions

i moved the only camcorder that works in my house off from that humugous 50 pound tripo..to a very little light one that u can set on your desk. very cool :) this makes it much more easier to bring the camera around with me more and be more intimate with it :)

i turned off the streaming for awhile 2 see if that was the culprit that kept freezing up my computer

so i just cleaned a lot and fooled around with new cameras

everyday sebastaian cam run faster :) i can hardly even ourrun him anymore! but he is still as teeny as can be :)

Thursday, January 4th, 2001

2:30p cleaning 2 day. clean clean clean!

Friday, January 5th, 2001

12:04a i cleaned for 12 hours and i got my entire long hallway completely cleared! aaa! :) it feeeeeeels so gooooood 2 be able to not only walk but RUN down the hallway and not trip on anything! :)

now i can get them in here 2 clean the carpet and repaint the walls :)

i still have lots 2 do...like the thing room and some of the livingroom...and i hope tomorrow i'll have the energy 2 clean even more

mmmm, it will be SO nice 2 wake up to a much more spacious place

i feel like the energy can moves SO much more now in here. all that feng shui stuff :)

and sebastian doesn't whine at night anymore :) and the dogs are getting along better and better each day :)

2:36p zip zip zip
dancing , drinking coffee
dogs all over the place

Saturday, January 6th, 2001

6:32p all my muscles are sore from dancing for 3 hours the other day and cleaning for 12! but it feels great to know i got excerise :)
then the rest of the day i went into the thing room and put on headphones and listened to music and blissed out.

today i slept a lot, but now i'm really awake at 6:30pm. i'm watching the mod squad movie ( sort of ) and watching the dogs wrestle.

i tried to get sebastian's chain around his neck off tday and discovered, to my horror, that it will not slip off, hes' grown! so i gotta get some wire cutters!

i have a feeling i'll be up late tonight cleaning and organizing some more

6:45p should i dye my hair cotton candy pink? :)

9:05p i caught the tail end of this thing in TLC called "mummies: frozen in time" altho i cannot find out when it will play again. all i can think of is that my tv guide had the wrong title :/

the second to last bit has this guiy who used corpses as a way to make beautiful sculptures. it was AMAZING!
i MUST find when this is gonna play again so i can tape it!

also, the new erykah badu record is so wonderful :)

Monday, January 8th, 2001

2:30p yesterday, after i bought a ton of cds and this book called " the history of photograhy ( edited my michel frizot" i had a horrible horrible anxiety attck that lasted all day and i could barely breathe and i could concentrate on anything no sit still.....

i duuno why...probably things piling up...my mom ( in which she called me and siad she LOVES the mannequin, Olivia, that i gave her and i guess she is realy happy in my mom's living room :) ( my mom has always wanted a mannequin :)

and even tho i love sebastian with all my hheart...it's that first 3 months that is always hard tp get through as he just won't get the toilet training thing. so i hardly have a moment to myself where i can just sit and not keep an eye on him.

and my taxes and my bills have me paralyzed. i wish i had jodi here to help me so fucking bad. i know it's not complicated, just time consuming...yet i jus flip out at it...and what can i say?

what i really need is just to be held and held and to have my head patted and tell me everything is gonna be ok over and over again. that's all i need...that and a yard with a tree and access to OXYEGEN, which is why i've been buying plants, alstho my aficakn violet dies a few days ago..i just cannot seem to grow those :(

i am really disorganized and i need somemone to pull me out of my vat of insecure nervousness and just talk me through it.

jason thinks i should go to a psychiatrist and learn "ccoing skills'
which is what my mom ALWAYS tells me
yet her idea of coping is to block everything out and forget everything, conveintly.

my approach to my nervousness is to finally stop blaming myself for not being strong enough and to accept the fact that i'm nervous..and i will have bouts of anxiety, perhaps, all my life...and just to know that it WILL end and it's NOT my fault.

just as being a diabetic is not anyones fault.

i don't need to just rail on myself for having a anxiety attack as WELL as having the anxeity attack. there are few peopkle that do not understand this.
it is not a condition people take seriously. they just say "snap out of it"

sorry for the typos..the sun is shining on my monitor and i can't see.

i know what i need..i just nedd to be touched.

i am very sure now that when my mom was pregnant with me , that is where this all started.

she was beyond very nervous being pregnant with me, feeling trapped married to my dad ( they got a divorce in the 70's )

she was only 20 years old and threw up constantly because of her nervousness and felling of being trapped.

my dad met her in canada as he was studying to be a minister, and she married him and came to america not knowing a soul, stuck in a farm town of 500 people, and had the burden of being "the minister's wife"

then she got immediately pregnant with me and i was her whole life...her reason to live....

throwing up and crying by my crib each day.

i was born a month early and stuck into a incubator...now i no why..i wanted out!
still i did not get the love i so much needed being that this was 1966 and my mopm was not allowed to touch me not breastfeed me...altho her breasts filled with milk i desparatey needed...she could only press herself against the glass, her breasts leaking milk, yearning to touch me and she could only watch as they fed me with a bottle.

only now have these things been coming into place, as she keep telling the story to me in greater detail.

anyway, it leaves me a lot to onder and wonder about.
that she and i were one...i was in her belly for 8 months..i was the only one who loved her unconditionally.

i saved her life and i don't even remember doing it!

-------------
ok, so the cds i bought are:

the andrew sisters: collection series
tom tom club: the big the bad and the funky
hole: the first session
elestica: the menace
sinead o'connor: faith and courage
desttiny's child: the writings on the wall
mazzy star: she habgs brightly
mazzt star so tonight that i may see
moby: play
nelly: country grammar
blur:the best of
rufus wainright ( GET THIS ONE! I ORDER YOU!!!!! :)
bjork: selmssongs ( from the movie " dancer in the dark. GET THIS ONE ,TOO!!!)
peter murphy: deep
sting: brand new dayroxy music: country life ( one of the most brilliant things EVER )
sinead o'connor: the lion and the cobra
tlc: fan mail
laika: good looking blues
radiohead: kid a ( cause i lost my other copy! )

-----
more later :)

Tuesday, January 9th, 2001

1:17p thank u everyone for all your posts that u made to my previous entry. yes, it's all very good advice.
i know the breathing thing and i do use that all the time.
i wish i had control of my brain.body.

i have been to a therapist about this, and a psychiatrist, and a hypnotherapist and even acupunture.
i would like the name of the lady in saint paul who works with anxiety. i would like 2 see her...so if u can..email me : ana@voog.com
with that info

i am going to call my best friend carolyn right now, and see if she is open today to give me a massage.

i am so infinitely lucky to have u all..and i DO feel your energy coming my and i hope that u also receive me energy of thankfulness and friendship, as well..even tho we have never met, i feel closer to u than anyone ( except carolyn and jason :)

more later..i think i need to boogie woogie my nervousness out of my body ( after i call carolyn )

btw, if anyone is interested in having a massage from carolyn, she is THE best and went to the "harvard" of massusse ( sp? ) schools in boulder colorado..i am so proud of her...this is definitely her life's work, and also her amazing sisiter who lives in florida.

anyway...just mentioning this cause i wanna give her more clients so she can quit her other boring job ( but that however taught her EVERYTHING about herbs...plus she knows a TON obout Aryveda)

email me : ana@voog.com about her
or her sister in florida who is working a whole new sacral craniel technique

i don'y say this because i know them...but because i know how intense and right on their abilities are!

1:18p tputting tiger balm on your lips is a very wonderful experience :)

1:19p alan, if u read this please write 2 me
and jacqui, please write as well to me, your telephone#..i wanna call u
and meredith too, k?

Wednesday, January 10th, 2001

9:05p sorry, the cam got disconnected while i was sleeping and i didn't realize that for quite some time! ack!!!

Thursday, January 11th, 2001

2:22p i'm cleaning cleaning cleaning again again again
hard 2 stay on cam when i do this

sebastian's new obession is trying 2 bite his tail :)

8:51p tonight jason and i went 2 our first yogo class :)
well, i've gone 2 yogo before but not very much.
anyway, yay!

jaso had a bad day and so did i ( but my toilet is squeaky clean! ) so now w are gonna be together and get in better moods.

10:51p i feel like i want 2 go live somewhere out in the wilderness for a month and listen 2 silence

Saturday, January 13th, 2001

3:52p big sigh of relief
i don't know how or why it works...but it does and it makes sense to me...that your surroundings are symbols, or the actual real thing is more like it...in that everything is all connected and all one...
prefacing prefacing prefacing :)

my house is a mess my mind is a mess my body is a mess...but start somewhere and movement will happen.

so i cleaned the entire hallway so that there is nothing in it ( except my juno60 which i don't know where 2 put ) and i believe as a result that i made a way for chi/the force/me/u/the universe to flow more in my life.

jason and i have been working on quite a few glitches that cause us stress in our relationship for a long time. but we had a really great long talk today and i feel really good about us now and i feel energized.

i wish i could talk about it very specifically because the process that jason and i go through is very interesting from so many angles i cannot even count. and it reflects so much that is going on everywhere else. as above so below, da da da ditty ditty
so much of what i go through people tell me they are also go through it...and as one of us moves...we all move, etc.

anyway, it's very interesting in that u have control over so many aspects...yet at the same time i am also connected to the weather, the seasons, my neighbours, the war in the middle east, and what we read and what we say, you, me , the pupsters...

gadzoooks. it's so cool and so frustrating. learning about responsibility of money , energy, plants, a new dog, the lawn, dusting lots of little gadgets. the more u have the more responsibility. i mean, duh, everyone KNOWS that but i don't think i recall KNEW it until just this year...more and more. just getting a new plant is quite a big deal and changes my life.

getting sebastian , the new fluffster, has definitely taken over my life. i know i go through this stage of hating the dog because it won't get toilet trained...but then we make it through that stage and it was all more than worth it.

i definitely know now though that i do NOT want children. i had my phase there of thinking that might be a cool thing..but taking in a third crazy nut wonderful little furrball being called sebastian has made me realize that would not be a sensible thing to do AT ALL. 'cause i cannot spread my attention and love that many ways i'm running all over here trying to make sure everyone gets enough attention and that the plants are getting watered and are happy and then many many ongoing things with jason, as all relationships have...and i think mine with jason kicks ass because we are able to really communicate to each other and a whole bunch of other stuff i can't put into words right now.

anyway...i know this is not making to much sense ....on every word i could go off on a tangent and write a novel, etc.

god, SO much i am sifting through right now. i WANT to just write it all down in it's raw form that might have huge stupid mistakes in it...but to tell u the truth, i am a little gun shy at the moment as i realize i do not have the strength to withstand EVERYTHING people say about me and to me , etc. i am not an iron wall in which all words like bullets bounce off of.

just another example of how all of us can really affect each other very directly, having never really "met"

i have a heck of a lot more things to say..but i'm hungry now and must eat.

the weather here is grey and dismal. i woke up with a headache and a feeling of doom, but now i feel a sense of accomplishment having trudged through this webby messy sticky confusing life thus far and made it in one piece, with my mate by my side and a deeper sense of understanding of our relationship and where we want it to evolve yet not compromise TOO much on what would be the "perfect" life for each of us.

it's still scary. love is scary. life is scary. but i'm gonna hold jason's hand and he'll hold mine and we will jump together into the next mysterious evolution of us of who knows what it will be?

it's just so fucking nice to be able to reason things out without anyone yelling and slamming doors or punching things or walking out or getting silent and withdrawing and all that stuff. i am really impressed. i have never seen a relationship work before...so i have nothing to go on much.

and i have been delving so much into my past right to my birth trying to figure out how i came about HERE, THIS way. y'know? how i turned my flaws into something beautiful, how easily those same flaws could ruin everything that is NOW for me, or do i want to do it a different way. what are the pros and cons. what if i did THIS not that? what then?

ok, this is really simple stuff. like DUH. but damn it is so complex and scary and interesting and augh!

ok, i have so much more 2 tell u..but i must eat!

8:20p ok, i know why i haven't found any poop on the floor today. sebastian is EATING it :/
and here i thought he was learning! godzzzzzzzzzzoooooooks!!!!
i have heard that sometimes dogs and cats do this. is there any way i can get him 2 stop? is this just a puppy phase he is going through? aaa!!!

9:35p ok, i'm pissed again. watching mtv's 50 top moments when sex and music create controversy. a show called MTV's "hips lips and genderbenders"

at # bla bla bla
it was tori amos's song "me and a gun"

WHY is a song about a violent hate crime included in on this list?

and aerosmith's "janie's got a gun"

a song about incest? and this is included in with prince's buttless pants ???

WHY?

we gotta long way ta go baby...

some girl said:
"WHY is a song about a violent hate crime included in on this list? a song about incest? and this is included in with prince's buttless pants ???"

Because...it's mtv's 50 top moments when sex and music create controversy

i replied ( but no one is gonna get this except me )

ah, thanks for clarifying that for me :)
and here i thought it was about "sux" and music!
and i was like, hey wait a moment that music doesn't suck! it totally kicks ASS, man!
(i even mistyped it "sex" :)
LOL :) two blunders all in one moment!)
well, no wonder, controversy indeed that really is! i can TOTALLY see how the number SIX relates in a list with shoving an apple peeler up someone's u-know-what and whispering" mommy". and HOW tight is TOO tight, u know what i mean?

i mean, we don't want anyone to know there's a body under that clothing, do we?
( all tho i have heard of bodyless people that really DON'T have anything under there but just fake it really good! *gasp*)

i just want to let everyone know that i think it's PERFECTLY ok to not have a body and that when u mix six with music, u are really creating jazz,IMHO, which once WAS once controversial but now, ironically, since middle class america has really embraced it as part of their rich cultural heritage.. it has become the norm and so , since we all know that MTV is wayyyyyy behind the times (behind as in in bootie, GET IT? bootie :P...BEHIND the times..lol:) i'm not much of a jokester but i do have my moments some people do say to me, usually when they are very dark, i mean, drunk! OOPS :P i mean.....well, i've lost my train of thought again! but what else is new?..but that's another story!

anyway, i guess i'm just a little jumpy lately, being that i am a woman living in the year 2001 and all...and y'know...i think it's just all just PMS.
mmm, chocolate! don't u just LOVE chocolate? i sure do! mmm, chocolate, jazz, hotpants AND the number SIX! wow! there's a thought! ( oh, patrick McGhooan please tell me it's not true that you've been "born again" ) . now THAT would be TRULY controversial! ( hmmm..thoughts for my new cd??? lol )

nice to meet u, j :P
/me hands j a piece of toblerone dark chocolate and does a little twizzle dance :)

10:46p ohmigod..i just saw freddie and the dreamers from around 1965 or something lip synching a song that was probably called ' you were made for me"
it was SO cool!
i wish i had taped it! i saw it after watching the monkees "head" movie, which i really think the last half of is hilarious :)
did u know that jack nickolson co-wrote and directed that movie?

Sunday, January 14th, 2001

1:21p question of the day:
what is the weirdest mailing list u have ever been on, and what is the weirdest you've ever been a part of?

i gonna make myself some dance compilation cassettes for myself to dance to so i am more motivated if i have all my fave dance songs on one tape , then i will just HAVE 2 get up and boogie woogie :)

last night i and GREAT dreams! which i only have about twice a year. i want to go into it but it will take up my time from getting my ass in gear. i dreamt of a HUGE amber bird as big as an airplane! it's beauty made me cry in happiness.
the night before i had dreamt of a mechanical contraption/demon that sliced my head off in one stroke and then before my head even fell it's black liquid prings went through my eyes, down my spine, into my guts and ripped them out.
so dreaming of a huge amber bird is a big improvement!

ok...onto tape making...

2:54p i have this fence around my computer area so sebastian can't chew up all that is around it. and he tries so hard to push his face through the fence to get to me. he can't understand why he can't get head through! :)
i think he semi-learned the cammand "sit" now.
he is getting bigger and furrier but he still looks the same to me...just a slightly larger version of the ewok he was. i call him the " the wuzzler"

i'm listening 2 the new red hot chili pepper album which the first 4 songs i love :)

3:34p ooooooo
the new moby cd!
GET IT!

reply from me 2 someone re: moby:
yes, he is hit and miss with me, i didn't get his 1st record at all or why he became so big so fast. but because people keep raving about him, i still check up on his stuff...and some of it i really like..tho, yes, it's not original, imo. but still, something doesn't have 2 be totally original for me to like it. it's pretty much totally impossible 2 be completely origibal these days. i guess what i like about this new moby cd, which this is going 2 sound weird 2 say...and in fact because jason asked me 5 minutes ago what i get out of this moby cd, etc. and i realized that what i liked about it is that i could play it all the way through without getting irritated by it. it energized me yet didn't make me too hyper or nervous..and was also soothing as well a bit. it was thoughtful but didn't require my attention. it is music that isn't going 2 change your life but helps u get THROUGH life. like housecleaning or boring things like doing your taxes. someday i am going 2 make a record called "music to dust by"

4:00p oh my god. i have really let my body go 2 hell. this aging thing is REAL.!
wya fucking freaking and nasty. my ass used 2 be so fine and now it is SO not fine in ANY way. LOL!
in april i'll be 35. i guess i look 35 or something now. this is weird. i put on some high heels and looked in the mirror and moved like how i did when i use 2 strip. and it looked SO lame.

but fuck that. if cher can do it and goldie hawn can do it and madonna can do it and tina turner can do it. SO CAN I! DAMN! bring on the yogo and beter eating habits and plastic surgery puh-leeeez! LOL :)

i wanna age like susan sarandon and catherine deneuve and judy davis and isabelli rosellini and patti smith

i wanna look sinewy and muscley and classy yet tribal when i'm older. i can't explain it. you'll see. my body is my first and foremost art project and sculpture.

i have lost touch with my sensuality and that perhaps the core of who i am.

i wanna manicure and a pedicure. i wanna get rolfed like jason did
( i bought my mom 3 rolfing sessions for xmas as one of her gifts)

i miss having my 29 year old body...but i do NOT miss being 29.
i think in my 40's i am gonna KICK ASS! :)

reply i made 2 a comment about that:
i think they look superfine and are incredible women in all aspects as well. :) i know i will never have my body back how it was when i was in my twenties. i am NOT delusional about that. but i can use what i have to construct the body i want NOW through physical excercise and other things. it's my body, i'm gonna experiment. cause i like to. it makes me happy. i don't care if you'll ever think i look like a joke. people have thought i looked like a joke all my life...so that is nothing new. i do what i want with my body because it brings me pleasure to transform things. i love dumpster diving and antiques and trandforning them. i do it with everything that is mine around me. it's part of who i am and what i do. i cannot "beam" into your mind the vision i have for myself in the future. you'll just have 2 wait and see before u judge. and when and if u do...whatever..i'm not doing this for YOU :) of course someday i'll be as ugly as a troll...but i'm gonna be a damn fine kick ass classy tribal beautiful troll woman :)

and another reply from me:
wow, that's freaky that we are the same age and were both dancers and now...augh! i feeeeeel your pain baby!!! wayyyy trippy this age thing. u can visualize it when you're young i think it will be fine...but then when the reality of it hits in and u go WOW!!! i AM gonna age and be a grey haired old lady someday and then die! OH MY GOD! we are meat with a soul inside!

4:06p i can feel and hear music in me again. it's starting to form.
i can see me in that state of mind and body. it will be awhile still before there is a tangible product...but the i'm feeling good about shifting into my "next phase"

i gotta take some weird pix of my body now that it is how it is..i can make funny shapes with it :) i wanna spray paint my entire living room red.

i need some manic panic pillar box red hair colouring stuff. i have 2 have red hair. not pink, not fuschia, but manic panic pillar box red. i gotta find where i can buy that online.
i suppose i could dye my hair pink just for kicks until i get the red

4:52p i was singing along 2 cake and eat it 2 get my voice back. i can do ithat pretty fast, i think :) it's just weird to delve deep into those songs again that were so long ago and feel absolutely no pain while singing them...which is good...cause that means i've healed more...but also i wonder if then , if i played it live would it still sound true? i don't know exactly. this is all new to me. i'd never remember all the guitar chords either! i made up some pretty weird chords on my guitar. people always used to tell me i was such a god guitar player...but because it was so easy...i never believed them...but now if i had to relearn those parts and play them with accuracy...i see what they mean! i WAS a good guitar player :)

what a strange day

now jason
s home and so i can't sing because i can't sing in front of anyone except carolyn and renee when we are at practice or playing live or with bobby z in the studio.
i am just too shy to do it. i can sing VERY VERY loud and i wonder how much my neighbours can hear.

all that i was back then seems so cute and strange yet far more intimate because i am using my body directly to make sounds that go into the air. whne i sing i feel like light goes down my throat into the ground and then back up again, like lelu at the end of the 5th element movie. it is such a vulnerable place to be, it scares me. it amazes me how i let go like that even tho i was so afraid.

now, with my cam, i have let go in ANOTHER way that is equally vulnerable, i think, just different.

now if i can COMBINE those two things of utter vulnerability ( and the power and release and give and take that comes with it...very much like sex with your soul and the universe ) ...i think that will perhaps be a very wild experiment

i am cracking the shell i made over the large piece of me that was so hurt by the entire coorporate muisc biz process.

i am throughly disgusted and replused by the biz shit.
so there will be NONE of that.

i am excited at what will happen

Monday, January 15th, 2001

3:14p i am on a huge cleaning spree
listening 2 sinead o'connor's new cd
jason is packing frantically and i painted one of jason's toenail's blue so he will think of me when he sees that when he is away. he is going 2 leave in a few hours 2 NYC 4 werk...then he'll be back friday night

3:31p livejournal communities
hey..i see that u can now see what communities people have adderd u into. very cool!
could the people that added me to the: camgirls, dailynoise, everyone, feministas, ufowatchersclub things...could u send me an email with the directions of how to participate? i haven't been paying attention to how those work :)

Tuesday, January 16th, 2001

12:05a woa! i have so much energy today! i can't stop cleaning and rearranging!
is it a full moon or something???

things i posted
under the bed:

Posted by ANA on December 31, 2000 at 02:41:46:

i am working on getting new camcorders ( or fixing the ones i have ) and also getting a digital cam, so i bring u more pictures 24/7 from a variety of views :)
sorry my cam has been so boring lately, i have been SO busy with the new puppy and also and this holiday stuff! aaa!!!

Posted by ANA on January 06, 2001 at 20:20:49:

In Reply to: I'm alive again...well, the PC is... and I got my un-valentine :-) posted by Leanan on January 06, 2001 at 13:25:48:
yay :)
i got 18 unvalentines back so far cause there was no such address...
anyone who didn't get an unvalentine..email your snail mail to : ana@voog.com

sorry the streaming vid has been down the last few days...the computer i had it in is really wigging out!

Posted by ANA on January 10, 2001 at 22:06:44:

sorry, the cam got disconnected while i was sleeping and i didn't realize that for quite some time! ack!!!
thank u all 4 your concern!!!!!

Posted by ANA on January 13, 2001 at 17:12:11:

sorry i called u then u missed it then i didn't call u back because i have been an irresponsible spaz lately!
and cyberpup {{{{{{{{{CYBERPUP}}}}}}}}}
don't worry i know what YOU mean too and thank u for always being there during my most incommunicicative spastic weird times!!!

oh man, just so many people , i hope this reaches a few of them, to say thank u so much, and i haven't gotten enough hair for the hair project yet...but i will just save it all until i get enough :)
everyone who sent hair, i got it.!

and to all the people wondering about the polaroids..i put those on the back burner cause of my spaztic times lately. but i have not forgotten them! everything everyone gave me and all the polaroids i've taken so far and everything are in a big plastic box in the middle of my living room. i even got some different polariod cameras so i could try them. i'm still looking for the polaroid cam that takes the polo kind of peel apart film that u can do emulsions with.

so many people who write to me and i don't write back or send me stuff and i don't respond until the next year! augh! i am sorry! and i am working on that glitche in my brain that stops me from writing to specific individuals....and here i am saying it publically cause that's how i can do it, or that is how i want to do it? or i don't know...well, actually i do, but it's too much to type write now!

that's IT! IT"S TOO MUCH TO TYPE RIGHT NOW! LOL :)
and that's why i don't write at all because if i can't make each email very very special, i just don't write anything because i get overwhelmed on how to go about it that will make sure that u know that i am receiving your emails and things and i do not forget about any of u...but in the end the projects i make are my answer and reply and gift.

plus i wanna do more unvalentin'es too and make new tangible things that are only available to ana2 members as i realize that i am interested on working on more tabible things for a bit instead of making cool pix on the cam, which i'll get back to in it's right time.

ok, eating yes... :) i am so hungry. i want pizza. also the new elastica cd has a great cover of trio's " da da da" song :)

i WILL make the effort to reach everyone at some point and give my many thanks back ten fold. i know this looks lame and lazy 2 just say it all here...but it's a start and it's better than saying nothing maybe....is it?

Posted by ANA on January 14, 2001 at 01:23:53:

In Reply to: I adore Elastica posted by Nivi on January 14, 2001 at 00:54:14:
well, u definitely don't win brownie points in the friends dept doing it like me! but those that know where i'm coming from are not offended 'cause they know i'm a spaz and i love them (hopefully)
i definitely go about friendship in a very eccentric way which has hurt and pissed off quite a few people. i think i should just make a "friend's of ana faq page" which some would say should just contain the sentence "kiss my ass and i'll never get back to u every ten years"

but i'm not much of an individual emailer friend, i'm more of a "someday i might helicopter into your back window showering u with brand new tupperware and goldfish at the complete and utter inappropriate time-kind of friend :)

it doesn't make sense to most
so that's why there's under the bed for us freakaziods :)