anagram 011102

[06 Jan 2002|07:48pm]
ok, i am going to install my new scanner so that i can properly scan these wall hangings so i can show better what they look like so that i can sell them!
i keep improving on how to make the books...so i keep redoing them...so that is what is taking me a bit longer on those. i want to make sure everyone gets the best quality book for their buck :)

[06 Jan 2002|08:00pm]
watching the x files
i wonder is scully ever gets sick of playing the same emotion lately? the one where she looks drained , confused, bitter, and on the edge of crying ALL THE TIME. she does it well, tho!

and don't forget that on anacam on wednesday:

sonia5 is doing them again :)
http://www.hairpolice.com

icky dreams [07 Jan 2002|02:22pm]
jason bought me some chicken enchiladas yesterday, so right now i am baking them :)
i wanted so much to get up before 2pm because the last few days i've been staying up until 8am...and last night i went to bed early...about 11pm...then i woke up in the middle of the night kinda sick and then i stayed up until 10am fiddling with the style of my LJ. so i ended up sleeping until 2pm again. blah.
had weird weird dreams last night and the "night" before. do you ever have dreams where you are having sex or doing something sexual with a family member and when you wake up you are like "eeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww" WHY did i dream THAT? god, that doesn't happen to me often, thank god. but it did the other day and it really grossed me out. i'm not going to say which family member because it's just so gross. yuck yuck yuck.
and then i was having dreams where i'm 1/2 awake , too but i can't get totally awake and i'm in that sleep paralysis thing and i can't remember where i live no matter how hard i try to get my bearings about me.
i want to stick a background image in my LJ again...but i can't remember where i place the code. i have to find a place online that allows me to buy a paper cutter. and a hole puncher thing.
i have lots of books to make today.

augh. godspeed to me! [07 Jan 2002|02:32pm]
god, i've bounced three cheques lately by having just a few dollars short in my account. so that's been 90 bucks in overdraft fees. now i see that i'm going to bounce my frickin rent by $39 bucks only. ARGH. so now that'll be another 30 bucks plus a $25 fine from my landlord. this really sucks.
since i said i will balance out the negative with the positive, the positive side is that i WILL be able to make these payments. it's just a %$%$%#@## pain in the ass.
no wait...it's monday...i'm gonna run to the bank and put this check in that i have that will cover it. god only hope that i make it in time and that this will suffice.
may time be on my side!!!

nope..wait....i won't be able to make it there by 3 ....which is in 20 minutes, which is when i would need the money to be IN the bank to count.
ok, i resign myself to my fate...and i shall persevere nonetheless.

another good note is i made enough $ by selling books to pay my electric bill which is due on wednesday or will be shut off. so thank you for buying my books! i can now continue to have electricity! :)

[07 Jan 2002|04:37pm]
ooooo, the torture garden book is AMAZING! VERY INSPIRING!!!!
and the transfigurations by alex grey book is GENIUS! i wish i could have posters by him all over my house! i totally "see" things the way he does...the way energy connects and moves around.
and "evidence" by luc sante...which is crime scene photos of dead people from 1917...is...hard to look at and hard not to look at...and really has much in common with the alex grey book, strangely. life..death...energy.
i'm interested in seeing the pictures of the dead people because of this great fear of leaving behind a really disgusting corpse. i have this fear of grossing someone out so badly that that image will stick in their mind forever and i'll give them nightmares. so...i guess i sought out this book as a way to face that fear...to face my own mortality. SOMEDAY someone will find me dead...in whatever condition i'm in...eek. (unless i'm burned by a fire or blown up or eaten by animals or slowly disintegrated in the wild.....i can only hope....)

i think last night i also had a brief dream that i had sex with a dragon..or eaten by a dragon...or actually maybe with a dragon the two are one and the same. for some reason i take that as a good omen, i don't know why.

i need to take a bath today. and stretch.

my mylar balloons from new years eve show no signs of deflating.

jason and i will have been officially boyfriend/girlfriend for 4 years on january 10th!

i have had 2 other boyfriends that lasted 4 years. i hope jason and i beat that record :)

i have a stomache ache and i'm nervous. knock it off you stupid brain!
i'm sure drinking diet coke doesn't help...but yet...it does....

sun's going down.

golly jeepers [07 Jan 2002|04:39pm]
what's up with livejournal going down every ten seconds?

making things [07 Jan 2002|05:47pm]
can't stop!

[08 Jan 2002|04:02pm]
does chillcam work with windows xp?

SONY VAIO!!!!!!!! [08 Jan 2002|05:23pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Sony VAIO PCG-SR33K Notebook!! only 2.98 pounds!!!!

i'm getting one!!!!!!!!!!!!! thanks to xmas presents from my dad and a friend and some money i saved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the mobile cam will be BACK!!!!!!!! oh yessssssssssssssssssssssssss :)))))

AND i get new hair tomorrow from sonia5 watch on my cam tomorrow starting at 8pm CST!

LIFE IS GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[08 Jan 2002|06:19pm]
[ mood | hyper ]

has anyone ever tried these new logitech cams as webcams:
the clicksmart 510, the clicksmart 310?

my friend geoffrey just told me about this magazine:
http://www.nestmagazine.com/
mmmmm :)

when my answering machine says, "you have one new message", it sounds like it's saying, " you have one nude message"

cams 3 and 4 [08 Jan 2002|09:07pm]
will soon be back on ana2.com :) w00t! :)

the allure of pedophelia and the worship of children [09 Jan 2002|01:31am]

something i am just starting to delve into on a much deeper level is pedophelia. like why is it so rampant in our society? why is "lolita' and "teen" , etc, the most entered in words into search engines? is this just in our society or is it the world? how does it differ from country to country? what does this mean? what is it about? why is it so accepted and celebrated in our society ( brittanny spears, kate moss, brook sheilds...models in general...)...yet on the other hand nothing could be more evil in the eyes of society. so many questions. so many blurred lines. so much silence. yet so loud. fear. power. innocence. jealousy of innocence? hate? love? control. what? children= "clean. pure. untouched. unknowing. shameless. nonjudging. safe"?
i'm confused about the whole thing. i even find myself being lured into it, but is it my wish to return to the state of being a child girl? i do still see myself in that way in many ways still. how is it for a man then? the mystery? the secret world of little girls?
surely i do understand that children are sexual beings. i was. but so much abuse. SO much abuse. it seems that abused children are one step above laboratory test animals in how much we care to stop the pain. i am so glad that i am one of the FEW children who were not sexually abused. but i certainly understood that i had a power there in that.
yet there is so much power in "cuteness", as the japanese know. and so many people hate "cute" ...does that factor in?
then there's anorexia. there's the taboo of pubic hair and menstration.
yet it can't be about blood since there is so much "sexiness" in seeing a woman bleed in every way EXCEPT the only natural nonviolent and painless way , which is menstration.
what is all this about? and then...there is the thing with the big breast obsession mixed in which really contradicts a lot. child-mother...what on earth? and what is the weird connection people have with gays and pedophelia?
i'm confused. what are your thoughts and feelings?

[09 Jan 2002|01:45pm]
ack, i have so much to do today. i'm running around like crazy. and then i get my hair done at 8pm cst on cam! cris is coming over 'cause he's lending me back this cam i gave him and i have some geiger taraot cards for him. i have to quick get dressed 'cause he'll be here any minute. we're going to go out and get coffee.
my stomache is gurgling. i need to eat. i couldn't get to sleep until 6am again last "night" my schedule is so whacked.
listening to pink floyd. gotta get to the p.o. did the batches, took out the garbage, started the dishwasher....go go go....

[09 Jan 2002|08:26pm]
kaela is here now looking at my books and playing with the wuzzlers. sonia5 is on her way over so the hair thing should start in about 1/2 an hour :)

[09 Jan 2002|09:24pm]
Hi this is kaela...come see sonia5 doing Ana's hair at anacam and chat with us at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/voog/chat. :)

[10 Jan 2002|04:45pm]
slept until 4pm! my chedule is whacked. woke up...ate two yummy grapefruit and now i'm watching oprah. the first night sleeping on new extensions is always the hardest. what a nice thing to wake up and have my hair look fabulous without having to do anything to it :)
i cannot wait til the season finale of survivor tonight!!! :)

today is jason's and my 4th anniversary but we are going to celebrate it more tomorrow :) we'll go out for sushi :)
at 6am i ran up to see jason 'cause he emailed me so i knew he was up and i showed him my new hair and i have him this 60 page book i made him that had printed in it every cam picture he was ever in! :) he loved it very much. it took me days to make!
now i'm going to sit in the couch and vedge or something. i feel like i could go right back to sleep. i need to get caight up on my sleeping since for the past weel i've only been getting 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night 'cause i was staying up until 6am everyday.
maybe i'll lay in bed with the dogs a bit instead. that sounds nicer.

i still have more glittery things to add to my hair. so it will be sparkly :)

sony screwed up my order on the vaio and don't even know that i ordered it! grrr. so going through that process again...

it'll be nice when it's daytime and you'll be able to see the colours in my hair...mostly white..then sprinkled with yellow, lavendar and pink :)

[10 Jan 2002|08:08pm]
god, i'm getting all emotional about survivor!
i think it's because i am yearning for some sort of "rite of passage" as they went through on this episode. where in the end they were symbolically "reborn". and that woman kicks ass and i'm so proud of her. she is inspirational.

finally i've gotten back into a "regular" scheduyle, i hope. i got to sleep at 11pm and got up in the morning finally instead of 2pm or 4pm. woke up with a bad headache , tho. i think it's from my hair. a couple more days and it should feel alright. it's always rough the first few days sleeping on it, but it's really not that bad.

i need to go food shopping today.
my sony vaio should be here on wednesday :)

today and everyday until i'm done i'm just going to be working furiously on the little books and getting them out to everyone. but before i start on that today i have to call in my prescriptions, pay my wireless bill and do the anacam batches and somewhere in there sort through thousands of campix and make a new anagram and get food. oh...and get to the bank! ok, i have a lot i have to do!

[11 Jan 2002|11:01am]
owie , my stomache is all gurgly :/ it's all your fault kaela for leaving all those twizzlers here!
and damn u msfledermaus for all those quizzes u find! i'll never get any work done!

According to the Which Sanrio Character Are You? quiz, I am:

in honour of msfledermaus [11 Jan 2002|11:24am]

Which Internal Organ are you? Find out at willaston's lounge!

ummmm, i was supposed to get stuff done today, right? well, my stomache is still gurgly and i still have a headache so i have an excuse. plus...there are quizzes to take

[11 Jan 2002|01:05pm]
i'm making sonia5 an avi from all the campix taken the night she did my hair. and putting together a page for her so that she can take all the pix and do with them what she wants, if anything.
gonna make an anagram from some of the pix and i'll put some in this LJ , too.

i wish my headache would go away. i think it's just my head getting used to the weight of long hair again.

the sun is shining nicely in my house and i'm listening to the velvet underground at this moment. i'm gonna listen to goldfrapp soon.

i feel like i could go straight back to bed....

ah, now it's syd barrett. i need to go visit http://www.sydbarrett.net , jason tells me :)

i had a dream about the annie sprinkle limited edition dildo...which i must say is a damn good thing :)

i think i'll start the atkin's diet again tomorrow...ir very soon

i gave kaela my butterfly mylar balloon and an upside down deiiter dog book

ooo, i just wanna lay back down on my bed...how aggravating! i have so much to do! i don't want to be tired!

[11 Jan 2002|02:51pm]
i succumbed and fell asleep. a surreal sort of afternoon nap.
towards the end i was having that sleep paralysis thing again a bit and i was trying to astral project but couldn't. i tried to see my astral hands and couldn't see them either. but i think i did see an energy grid. and i saw some sort of "demo" of how when you have an orgasm it travels up to your "third eye" and whirls into a tiny orb right there. then i would suppose you could choose what to do with that orb as it spun there...like "shoot" the energy our somehwere..."shoot" it back in...use it for "seeing"
it finally occurred to me a month ago that when you have an orgasm the energy doesn't HAVE to leave your body, you can purposely focus it back IN to yourself for whatever purpose. like healing yourself. all this time i've never been able to think that "selfishly" , the energy has alsways had to be about healing other and other things...never me.
that was a cool revelation to have.

i have so many little things like that to write about in here. like my "ripple effect" revelation i've been thinking about a lot. or you could call it an echo thing. same thing. i hope i write about it in here sometime.
i'm making a new anagram now.

----ok...time passed...new anagram up!

the process...8 hours summed up into 11 small pix! [11 Jan 2002|03:47pm]

http://www.hairpolice.com
questions? ask sonia5

more pix to come in COLOUR :)

time frames, healing, sushi, and pushme pullyous [11 Jan 2002|05:20pm]
jason is coming home from work soon and we're going out for sushi :) he hates sushi , actually, so he gets a teryaki something when he goes.
i got the sparkly plastic in my hair but i wanna get more. morrrrrrre maaaaaaaaaaan!

i have to take a bath now and get ready to go out for dinner. gotta get my hair up in a thing so it doesn't get wet. it CAN get wet, that doesn't wreck it..i'd just rather not go through the drying process.

i feel rather blah all of a sudden. i think i'm a bit overstimulated from everything. i feel like the holidays are just not over yet. and now my mom is asking me when we are going to get together and she is really adamant about it because she really wants to work on our relationship. which is nice. i mean it's GREAT. but i'm just so burnt out from our last ordeal that i just don't have an ounce of energy to work on it back. i don't really have any energy to work on any relationship right now. i need a break from working on them. it's tragic really. i try so hard to work on it, then when she finally comes around to work on it, i'm just drained. or maybe the truth is is that i really just don't believe her or trust her that she is REALLY working on it in the way it needs to be worked on.
for instance, she wants to get together with me...but to me it seems purely selfish. it's all about her wanting to feel better that i still love her and that everything is ok. and she just needs that "getting together" thing to make in concrete to her or something. and i can understand that.
but again, it's all about her. if she really wanted to work things out with me she'd see that i've been really hurt and i need some space from her right now.
i thought i was giving those vibes out to her and that she'd pick up on them. but she's not. when i think about getting together with her i see a picture of me out on a thing like a stretching rack...with my wrists and ankles buckled down to it. i am completely at her mercy. she could torture me or not torture me. and my role is to just "become clear" or "not there" or that "be a willow that bends in the wind" thing...or somethingl. it takes so much mental preparation to walk into the lion's den and fear no death or pain. or fear it...but do it anyway.
god. been there. done that. i can do it again. but i just need some freakin' time off from it right now.
i don't trust her. i don't really trust anyone right now. i've been so burned. i've been so confused. i feel her reaching out to me desperately...being irritated with me that i am not fitting into her time frame of things.
and, i know because she is older and has had both parents die...she is more aware of time not being there for you anymore.
but i can't just force this AGAIN. or cani? SHOULD i? obligation obligation obligation.
what's it all about? i don't even want to THINK about this. it's just DRAINING.
i wish she would just let me go and let me come to her when i'm ready. i've never had that luxury. i don't know what to say to her. i don't know what is the right thing to do.

on top of that i have a "friend" who is leaving whiny sulky messages on my machine about me not seeing this person and not getting back to this person.
i hadn't seen this person in over a decade but i saw this person the other day when i went somewhere to see my other friend who i love dearly. the two kind of come as a package deal so there was no getting around seeing this person i didn't want to see.
i HOPED that this person was NOT going to act in the same manner as this person did a decade ago...which is whiny sulky and putting me down and quite dominating. this person has good qualities, too. but the bad outweigh the good for me.
anyway....i thought maybe even though i had terrible doubts about this person...perhaps they had changed and matured. so the other day this person called me and asked me to go to a movie. then this person called again, then a third time the next day more irritated because i wasn't getting back.
well, first of all, if i'm not getting back, that is a good sign that i am 1) not home 2) not listening to the messages on my machine because of a multitude of reasons 3) sick in bed 4) just not wanting to call for a multitude of reasons 5) my machine is broken

if i were in this person's position i would not ASSUME that i am just not calling to be some sort of bitch...which is the tone this person was starting to take. i mean like CHILL OUT. i do not owe this person anything. i did not say i would be this person's best friend or see this person this many times per month or week or even really see this person much at all nor did i say i would ever call this person.
i am interested in this person's significant other and that is the person i am friends with. that is the person i told i would call and see and do stuff with.
augh.
i do not want this package deal thing. i have told my friend that i do not want to see my friends significant other and i told this person WHY and they are very very good reasons. and i THINK my friend understood. i mean, it's be GREAT if we could all get along, but that is just not the case. sorry.
so today, this person, my "friend" , not my friend, calls me and leaves this bitter message about how i blew this person off and that i'll probably not see this person for another decade. and i'm like, SO TRUE IF YOU ACT THAT WAY!
firstly, i'm not blowing anyone off if i never even returned the call or said i'd go to this movie. for all this person knows ( and this person says this person has no access to any computer so there is no way for this person to know what i'm up to ) i could be deathly ill or just plain gone. why get all pissy and angry if you don't know what's UP???

well what's up is that i am just OVERSTIMULATED and i do not owe ANYONE to HAVE to answer my phone if they call! i am not the kind of person who thinks that is an obligation. a phone call is an invitation to speak...not an obligation to speak.

so PERSON WHO HAS NO COMPUTER...i'm BUSY and overstimulated! i do not like the way you treat my friends! i think you are overly dominating and a bully! i think you sulk and whine too much if you do not get your way! i think you are so insecure that you must put others down! you are not happy for my achievements, quite the opposite, you are afraid that i have some sort of big head and you feel you have to "cut me down to size" when you see me. and you feel that you have to do the same to my friends who are happy for my achievements. this pisses me off. i don't want to be around a person like that! i think you treat my friends like crap! and a friend like that is not a friend of mine! i think your potential is great! i see in you great things. but your pain over something overtakes you and you lash out and you glom on and it scares me. i don't know what is going on with you but it's NOT my problem!
if you want to be friends with me you have to give me my SPACE! and ya, i know a decade long is a lot of space...but i'm not talking that kind.
just don't assume the worst of me. i don't call back and you assume that *I* am some sort of rotten bitchy person for it. i'm sure you are thinking that i'm not calling you because i'm a *STAR* and i don't associate with your "lowly" working class kind. well, that is not the case. the case is that you are no fun to be around because you put me down and are too argumentative for no good reason other than for some reason you are scared and need to argue. i wish i could reach out and fix your pain. but i can't. i'm sorry. i have to draw the line somewhere over what i am cabable of dealing with and what i'm not. you don't even know what is going on in my life right now. so how dare you judge me as to why i would not call you back. how dare you get all pissy at me.
if you don't have access to a computer then why did you want a free ana2 account? god. you don't lift me up when i'm down at all. you just bitch at me. i can't take it.
maybe someday we can be friends if we ever can get through all this weird shit that there is between us. i don't know. i really do want things to work out, weirdly. i know it sounds like i don't. i'm sure if you ever read this you'd never speak to me again. just don't get pissy at me. you just don't know what's happened to me in the last decade. nor i you. don't ASSUME. you are assuming and that makes me mad. and you always assume the worst. i can't take it. i won't take it.

funny how things change [11 Jan 2002|06:23pm]

http://www.sydbarrett.net