anagram 01.09.99

Ok, here it is 11pm on a Saturday night. Vh1's "where are they now?" in the background. No, I haven't cleaned yet today. Yes, tomorrow is the last day 4 me 2 clean and get everything in order before a & e gets here…and I'm going out 2 dinner with jason and his parent's tomorrow, too…and something else I cannot remember. I tried 2 show jason the movie "household saints" tonight…I made a pile of spagetti and he fell asleep ½ way through it. Oh well, I hope he'll see the other ½ later on. Household saints is one of my fave movies.

I just went into the bedroom for ½ an hour and spaced out…staring at the sprinkler in the ceiling and thinking of all the things I'd like 2 type about in here tonight..if i had the energy and if I didn't just hurt one of the fingers I type with by picking at my skin around the fingernail..a bad habit.

Things I want 2 type about but perhaps I will write about later.

1) do I feel weird not only being naked on cam but PICKING OUT some of the most "provocative" ones 2 post in here when I have a boyfriend and he is the one who put them on this page for me? Yes! Sometimes I do! sometimes I feel that might b a "bad" thing 2 do. but then I think…no…fuck that..i'm not going 2 "hide" myself..etc. I mean what am I going 2 do…pick out the UGLY pictures? well, actually ya… I want 2 start a "most ugly pix of ana page" 'cause there sure have been some BEYOND ugly ones! but ya, I admit..i used 2 b more flirtatious on the cam when I didn't have a boyfriend…I guess I had that kind of energy to "give" 2 the cam…but now I give it 2 jason. I used 2 get out the hitachi and gave "orgasm love-ins"( for lack of a better term) on IRC. but since I've been going out with jason I don't do that anymore. I just don't feel right about it.

2) I used 2 think I would grow old gracefully…but now I wonder. I think I'll put up quite the "fight". I think I'll go more the "cher" route. but that could change. I think I will really miss being "attractive" when I am finally old enough 2 b considered sexually gross. I mean, who wants to be thought of as GROSS? or when I am that old, will it really matter to me? I try to psyche myself up 4 the time when no one maybe would watch me because I am too old..and therefore not "attractive". (if my cam makes it that far into the future, that is…) perhaps most people DO watch me because I'm not "hard on the eyes". of course it would hurt my feelings to find out that my usefulness was based upon my beauty. I know that my cam will just keep getting more interesting and cool the older I get , tho. and the people who watch me will perhaps change "with " me. these are just things I think about …and why wouldn't I , since my looks are a big subject that people talk about when talking about my cam? and ya, 'cause I'm totally aware that membership requests double or triple on the days when I'm mostly nude. the two are so intrinsically entwined now, that I cannot be nude without thinking "oh, now the people are watching MORE now". my hits will totally go up for the hour I'm nude. but no, I never "get nude" just to get members…although it is definitely a temptation! I just want 2 do what I want 2 do WHEN and how I want 2 do it. ya, perhaps even thinking that is shallow. but I'm allowed 2 be shallow 2. I know that "looks" DO count for something in THIS society…from my experience. I have a lot more 2 say on this subject, and I'm afraid 2 quit typing about it now for fear of being misunderstood.

but that is all for now. now it's midnight and I have so much more 2 say..but it hurts 2 type and I'm thirsty!