anagram 01.01.99

Well, it's almost 6am, on jan., 2nd…but I'm making an anagram for yesterday…'cause why not? I was doodling around in PSP some more…coming up with new designs for anacam and ana2. And I drew jacqui's cats. She has lots of pix of her cats up at will's site…www.subterrane.com/voog. I can't remember where is the exact URL that I got all the jacqui pix from, tho. I know…I'm supposed 2 be drawing ana2 members, not ana2 member's pets…but alas these cats were too beautiful 4 me 2 pass up, and they inspired me 2 sit up all night drawing them. J and since I feel all inspired 2 make an anagram right now..i thought I better. 'cause I feel like typing and drawing…but no cool pix did I make today..so here's some more from the past. After the week with the headache, then new year's and all that..i'm just starting 2 recuperate now and get back 2 feeling creative.

My mom came over the other day and gave me my xmas presents. It was nice simple things like a white cotton sweater and a vanilla candle and some bubblebath. I love stuff like that J. She also gave me all her old wedding photos and wedding scrapbook from when she was married 2 my dad. I remember looking through those over and over again as a child. And seeing them again so many years later in the new light of being a heck of a lot older…I am stunned at how young they were when they got married( 20 and 25). And it looked like such a perfect 1965 wedding. I'll have 2 show these pix on cam then put them in an anagram 'cause the pix are too perfect. And my mom and dad can't really get mad about that since they don't even look like that anymore..no one could recognize them on the street from the pictures..if they r worried about that sort of thing. So when I was looking at the pictures today, I started 2 cry, because I wish life COULD be that picture perfect and happy.

They really did look genuinely happy, in that naïve way, and they looked so affectionate for each other…I never got 2 see that later. It wasn't like they were mean to each other..it was just sort of platonic/best friend kind of relationship it seemed 2 me as a child. But I do wish I could have my mom and dad together again, and they still lived in the house we lived in as a child and I could have a place that was stable and peaceful like that I could always turn to. I'm always envious that some people get to go home all the time and actually still get 2 sleep in their old childhood rooms and get 2 store stuff in their parent's basement/attic/garage.

Now it's exactly 6am, and now my schedule is once again off kilter from the rest of the world, including jason. I still haven't figured out what that animated paperclip is making those googly eyes at the lightbulb. What on earth? Should I click on it? Ah, I clicked on it and it "talks" 2 u in "cartoon bubbles"..asking u if there's anything you'd like 2 know. Yes! I'd like 2 know when it is I'm going 2 finally fall asleep….and…my mind goes blank. I'm trying 2 think of some sort of snappy funny questions u could all laugh at and relate 2 and we'd all feel that much more unalienated ( is that a word?). but I can't think of any right now. In fact, I thought maybe I was going 2 be on a cool typing roll where I'd really think deep thoughts here..but no…it's just a bunch of typing and blah-ditty blah. I think I'm just typing more out of a sense of anxiety that I haven't gone 2 bed yet..than I have anything remotely interesting to type. It's just typing. Taking up time. It's kind of meditation 4 me, 'cause I can only type with two fingers on one hand…so it slows down my brain 2 a pace where I can't think 5 million thoughts at one time…when I'm typing I'm only typing. I really want 2 learm how 2 type the right way someday so I can type as fast as I think. Then I could get some really good stream of consciousness writing going. I was thinking that if I'm going 2 write a book, and use a lot of my journals as the material…should I type out all my journals 1st so I can cross stuff out and edit it? Or am I just wanting 2 type them out so I can have an excuse 2 not write anything new? 'cause if I typed them out at the pace I go, it would be a full time job for many many weeks. But somehow I would lok fwd 2 it..'cause it's such a simple stupid task that takes no brain, but I would feel productive if I did it every day. Then I wouldn't have 2 wonder what I could do that day 2 feel that I was productive. I would have my work cut out for me for maybe 2 months..and it'd be a no brainer…but I might get that carpal tunnel thing..is that how u spell it? what IS up with this whole "productive" thing, anyway? I've always been "against" the idea that u have 2 b a physically productive person. As in…when the day is done, u have "something 2 show 4 it". We live in such a society that bases so much importance that we can literally SEE a product at the end of the day that we did to show everyone else and ourselves that the day was not "wasted". And it is really nice when u have something concrete 2 show as evidence that u r not a worthless person taking up space and not doing anything productive like thinking, sleeping, dreaming, and emanating peace. I wrote a lot about that in past analogs…about how I thin sleep is just as productive as being "awake". And what is "awake" anyway? I rarely EVER feel completely awake. And 2 tell u the honest truth, the only time I feel TRULY totally "awake" is when I do acid…which is once every few years lately. Sorry mom. How's that 4 starting off the new year with an anagram so blah as this? ( except 4 the pic of jacqui's cats..which I'm totally proud of J ). I wanted 2 do something really cool and introspective the the 1st day of 1999…a day I'm in shock that I'm alive 4…but heck with it. I just can't make myself do that just because of some calendar. And so…there u have it…."time is an illusion..maaaaaaan" * gives the peace sign in a futuristic way*…gonna go eat some bbq doritos now…'cause that's all there is 2 eat in here.

Sun's coming up.
ana